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Lore
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#1
Old 06-14-2010, 12:18 AM

My boyfriend is generally an amazing, thoughtful person and I love him dearly, but recently.. He's been so selfish and clueless!

It used to be that I didn't have to practically beg for attention. Now I have to wait for him to feel like doing something with me because every time I suggest something, whether it be fun or sexy, he's never in the mood. I've confronted him about never wanting to anything I want to do when I ALWAYS have to do what he wants to, and he tells me to tell him when I want to do something. So I do.. and he goes back to his old ways of saying he doesn't feel like it.

And lately, I've felt extremely overworked and unappreciated. I have a full-time job and I'm taking three two-hour-long summer classes at college this semester. Generally my shifts at work are 9 to 11 hours long. Generally 7 AM to 6 PM. It's extremely exhausting work and when I come home, the first thing I generally get is 'Hey, welcome home. What's for dinner, I'm starving!'

The real kicker? He's unemployed and is only taking a class with a lab. He's busy for four hours on two days of the week. That's all he does.

And sexually? We only do it when he wants to do it. I've been rejected for TF2 before and plenty of other things, so I've quit trying to initiate anything. And now he's just getting lazy. So lazy that it's annoying. I can't remember the last time I've really enjoyed myself or gotten off. T_T

I hate that I'm complaining about him so much, I really do love him and he's a great guy, but this is just so frustrating. I hate feeling like a piece of meat with no feelings, needs or emotions. Being belittled when I get upset is so frustrating!

Knerd
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#2
Old 06-14-2010, 12:55 AM

Unemployed, nothing to do, getting lazy, never in the mood - Have considered the idea that he may be becoming depressed?

Depression takes a hold of a person like that. You suddenly feel as though you just can't face the world anymore. No matter what you try to accomplish, you still feel useless and uninterested. Perhaps his job and living situation has just gotten the best of him.

I'd suggest just sitting down and talking to him about what he wants to do with his life. Perhaps it's time for him to take on more classes, pick up a hobby, or just get out of the house more often. If he can stimulate his body and mind in a way that make him feel productive and functional, then perhaps he can pull himself out of this romantic funk.

If it seems deeper than that, I'd suggest that he go talk to a professional. Even just one short consultation with a doctor might help out.

Lore
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#3
Old 06-14-2010, 01:12 AM

I've tried to encourage him. Sometimes I'm more gung-ho about it, sometimes I just try to be the quiet support depending on his mood. He'll start off encouraged and say he'll go job hunting, but an hour later, he'll just be sitting in front of his computer. I've learned quickly that I can't press him on the issue once he's done that, because he gets incredibly pissed at me or belittles me like I have no clue what I'm talking about.

:c And he knows we have a free clinic on campus. I even asked if he needed help or wanted to go talk to someone that wasn't me, he said he would because maybe he WAS depressed.

But that's the thing! He only acts depressed when he has to do something important or when it comes to me. Right now he's sitting on his ass, watching TV with a friend and laughing his ass off. I can guarantee you that if I tried to do anything with him after he gets done watching this, he'd be all ":/" at me.

I can't force him to go get counseling, I can't force him to get a job, I can't even force him to be nicer to me when I'm so tired and burnt out that I can't even walk without shaking from exhaustion. T_T We're both having problems, but I'm trying to fix mine at least.

The most irritating part is that I'm as frustrated with him as much as I love him. >_< We've stuck through two years so far and seen a lot together, it's just weird that'd he'd fumble this far in the game.

MedievalBeauty
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#4
Old 06-14-2010, 02:07 AM

Talk to him about how you feel. He sounds a little down like the previous person said. Ask if anything is bothering him and ask why he hasnt been in the mood. You could also say that you feel unappreciated if you think it's best to do that. It's best that he knows how you are feelings.

Gary Stargazer
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#5
Old 06-14-2010, 06:29 AM

He's bored with you. Most likely he is just putting up with you out of fear of ending the relationship or is just using you as a free ride until something better comes along.

Also at the beginning of your post you say he is amazing, also in the close of the post you say he is great.
Let me check a few things here ...

*No job
*No interest in you
*Lazy
*Not interested in sex except on his terms
*Generally angry and moody towards you
*Get's along fine with everyone but you.

Your boy toy isn't great nor is he amazing, he is a self centered petty little boy that wouldn't know how to treat a woman to save his eternal soul. How he managed to hook up with a hard working woman like you is beyond me but I tell you this now... You have a bum and a user on your hands. Put him out on the street where he belongs, with the trash. Find someone that can appreciate you and your hard work.

Yes yes I know you love him, however I would like to recant a statement my mother made the first time my heart was broken ...
"You can't help who you fall in love with Gary ... but you sure as fuck can help who you STAY in love with."

Last edited by Gary Stargazer; 06-14-2010 at 06:44 AM..

Nissa
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#6
Old 06-14-2010, 12:09 PM

As someone who has been in a very severe depression before, I have to say that Knerd is probably right on this one. He's definitely sounding like he's on the same down slope I was before I just stopped getting out of bed. But unfortunately, that does not help you at all. A diagnosis is a far cry from a problem solved. You need to have one more serious conversation with him. Let him know exactly how you are feeling and let him know that he is destroying your relationship with nothing but his own inactivity. Let him know if he's interested in continuing the relationship that things need to change right now. And that if things don't change, he will come home one day to find his things packed, or come home one day to an empty apartment, or come home one day (if you really are stuck together in the same house for some reason) to a breakup and a roommate instead of a girlfriend. He needs to realize his inactions have consequences.

Lore
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#7
Old 06-14-2010, 04:22 PM

While I was frustrated and quiet last night ( not lashing out or bitching ), he called me out on being mean.. I told him to sit down and we had a really long talk. I did a lot of crying and he did a lot of awkward fumbling around. He knows he's been wrong, but he's having a hard time outright apologizing for it. Partially, I think, because he doesn't even know what's making him act that way. We managed to get to some even ground, but it nearly ended up in a "temporary break".

@_@ It was scary, but I think it helped. We both know what each others' problems are a little more clearly now. So, hopefully, we can do something about them together.

Knerd
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#8
Old 06-14-2010, 08:50 PM

Good! I'm glad that you two opened up a bit. :hug:

The thing about depression is that there is no one way to "act" depressed. If he's losing interest in the things around him, or acting in a way that isn't quite like himself, then it's still an option.

Personally, if I were in your situation, I'd make an appointment at the clinic for the both of you (whether it's a couples appointment or two separate ones is up to you guys. I'd probably make two separate ones so that you don't pressure each other while talking to the doctor). If you go to the clinic together, then he has moral support for getting help. It'll give him the chance to talk with a professional and it'll also give you a chance to talk to someone about possible ways of supporting him during this tough time.

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#9
Old 06-15-2010, 04:47 AM

So it looks like you already talked to him somewhat. To be honest if I was in your situation, I'd probably most likely break up with him. I know there is a chance he may be depressed, but let's ignore that possibility for a moment. You work your butt off, while he's just mozing around. He doesn't seem to be having sex with you whenever you want it. And he gets moody and whatnot...to be honest, you don't deserve to put up with a guy like him. I know you're in love, but sometimes love blinds us and we don't see the truth, ya know? Maybe you can talk to someone you know and trust about this situation and get an outsider's view.
Alright, now I've seen in this thread suggestions that he may be depressed. Okay, that could be a possibility. You could mention to him your concerns about him being depressed and talk to him about going to a doctor, that's like the only way to solve that kin of problem.

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#10
Old 06-15-2010, 06:46 AM

@Lore
As another guy, I can say that he no longer respects you as he should. A temporary break probably would have actually been good for you, as much as it would have hurt. After a break like that, you can see things that you were blind to before, and decide whether or not you want to continue. It sounds like you are a fantastic woman who deserves more.

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#11
Old 06-15-2010, 08:03 AM

So you've spoken to him, he seems a little uncomfortable with discussing how he feels. Do you know why? He seems to act like he doesnt care anyway. Did he say how he feels about you or not really? Find out where you stand as for the depression thing, doesnt seem likely now.

Lore
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#12
Old 06-15-2010, 05:24 PM

@Knerd: Thanks for the support so far. :hug: I think I'm going to talk to him about the counseling. I'll support him if he wants to go, and offer to go as well ( but separately like you suggested ). I don't want him to feel pressured, and I also don't want him to think it's couple therapy. If we did this, it'd be to help him feel better.

@Star and Zazabar: Love is, indeed, blinding. But it's also something that makes you want the best for the person you love, even if you have to put up with some nasty things yourself. :c I appreciate the compliments and saying I deserve better, but doesn't he deserve better too? Having someone you love walk out on you because you're having a hard time is just.. cruel. I'm very frustrated and upset, but most situations call for a second chance and a little understanding. I'd like to believe in a world where a little bit of effort and compassion does a lot of good instead of this 'Don't like it? Don't keep it.' world we live in right now.

@Medieval: He said that he still loves me and wants to take care of me and all of that stuff, but he said he didn't know how. He said he wasn't sure what to do anymore and that he was just extremely frustrated. I can completely understand that too. When I was between jobs, I felt the same and I was probably as frustrating as he was ( but maybe not SO bad ), but he helped me through that. @_@ I just hope that I can do the same for him. But he's always been very hard to talk to about his feelings. He was separated from his parents ( mother was unfit and father ran out ) and used to live with his adoptive grandparents. His grandfather is veeeeeeeeeery old fashioned and sexist. ( He told my boyfriend to keep me pregnant and barefoot so I couldn't leave the house! ) And while I don't think my boyfriend took a lot of that to heart, he was never given the chance to talk about how he felt and was most likely told it wasn't appropriate to talk about that kind of stuff anyway. :c

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#13
Old 06-15-2010, 10:44 PM

@Lore
I'm not saying that you should give up on him persay. But if he loves you as he should, then he should recognize that he has a problem (IE, depression or whatever it is), and do something to fix it. If he was working on his problems, I would agree with you 100% that you should stick through it and do all in your power that is fair to make it work. But based on what you have said, it sounds like he isn't doing that.

 


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