04-29-2008, 04:12 AM
So a lot of stuff has happened to me during this year and now it's all coming to an end. Frankly, I don't know how to recover from it at all or why I even care anymore. I'm just striving to get by emotionally anymore it seems.
So my story starts in last November. Me and my boyfriend at that time hadn't talked in a while due to various reasons and frankly I was getting really lonely and starting to doubt our relationship. I wasn't sure if things were right or anything. It was a big mess that I kept to myself. Throughout all that I met another guy, Max. That's when everything went horridly wrong. You see, he and I hit it off right at the start. He was someone I could talk to and trust. It scared me how comfortable I felt with him and after about a month I realized I had feelings for not only Richie (my current boyfriend at the time) but Max too. I became so torn between the two, especially because Max felt the same towards me and let me know he'd be there if I were to ever end things with Richie. Well, on 12/26/2007 I had a long talk with Richie about this and he said it would be fine if we took a break. I felt horrible but part of me convinced myself to take the opportunity while it was still available. I told Max and he was ecstatic, thus he and I became an item.
Things moved too fast and we fell for each other hard. It's still a mystery to me how it happened. After a month I realized my love for Richie was fading and that scared me more than anything. I wasn't sure who I truly loved and who I wanted, for my heart felt split in two. It took me another long month of drama and confusion for me to make a final choice between the two. My friends were sick of me because of it and finally I just exploded, picking Max. I was mostly hoping to make everyone happy... though I hurt Richie horribly and my friends just suddenly shunned me. Basically all I had was Max now, because I chose him.
Another month went on by and things seemed pretty good with Max and I. I was pretty sure things were going to last for a long time, and that made me happy. Of course, the stress of not really having anyone besides Max got to me quite often.. So occasionally I'd break down and he'd try his hardest to make me feel better. Usually he succeeded. Then came Spring Break and I felt really lonely because he went to a friend's for a few days and I was stuck by myself. I managed, until the last two days of his visit. I don't know why but I had gotten really depressed. I know it pissed Max off, and I felt horrible. When he came back I looked for every way possible to make up for my stupid attitude.. But no matter what I did, Max basically avoided me.
On 3/28/2008 he broke up with me. I haven't been the same since.
My friends came back to me but that's about the only good that has come from it. I know it's supposed to be friends first but for some reason losing him has hurt more than anything I've ever felt. I attempted to fix things with Richie, but he said no. I can't really blame him... but he wanted to stay friends and that's just something I can't do. I have too many memories of being his girlfriend and having great times with him to keep a friendship. It would hurt too much. I'm still not sure if it's the right decision, but I'm trying to cut off all contact with him now...
Max claimed he still wanted to be friends too but he rarely talks to me... and when he does he's just too cold. He treats me like a mere acquaintance. All I want is the trust we used to have. We don't have to be together... but I would like some sort of caring from him, you know? He claimed to love me like a "little sister" but that's bullshit... No one treats someone they care about like this. At least, they shouldn't.
I've confronted Max several times about it and nothing's really changed. I sent him an email about it yesterday that's about as blunt as can be, but now I fear that was the wrong choice. I think I'm appearing desperate for his love again because I am trying to cling onto whatever affection he can bare to offer... But he gives nothing.
So... I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix myself from this emotional roller coaster I've been through this past year and all I do know is that I still love someone who may never ever feel the same again.
It hurts a lot.
If anyone has advice to help me through this, it would be extremely appreciated. I just need something. I need a way to stop hurting and to feel good about myself. Frankly, I hate myself right now because of all this, lol. So yeah... that's my story and I just really need some help.