Ok, like a lot of people here, I came from Gaia!
I aspire to become a better writer, so I'd really appreciate it if anyone can comment on some "prompts" that I have written for several Gaian stores.

Sorry, they're all the writing examples I have at the moment. I'd really like to find out what my possible strengths and weaknesses as a writer are, so I know what to work on.

All criticizers are loved, just don't be TOO harsh please. ^^

And yes, I have no organization skills whatsoever ._.

I'll admit--This one is NOT one of the best writings I'd ever done. I don't like it much, but I'll just post it anyway.
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“Tristan? TRISTAN!” my guardian called out to me, but her words fell on empty ears, as I was no longer part of her world. Lost in my reverie, a wave of pain hit me as I peeked into the doorway of the playroom, where the other Ikaji laughed and played. More than ever, I wanted to join them…but I just couldn’t. It just wasn’t to be as long as my crippling shyness still afflicted me.

“Tristan, did you not hear me call you?” a slightly annoyed voice snapped from behind me. Reality hit me hard and I turned to see the face of my guardian, Angel. “You’re here again, Tristan?”

I nodded resolutely, but my eyes once again found the playing Ikaji children.

“Oh Tristan, it’s either you pluck up the courage to talk with them,” she gestured inside the playroom, “or you’ll stay here wistfully gazing at their smiling faces while feeling pity for yourself. It’s a relatively simple choice.”
Her words slapped against me like a cold breeze. I knew what she said was true, yet the truth still hurt. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I struggled against my will to cry.

Seeing how her words hurt me, Angel’s expression softened into one of kindness and compassion, “I’m sorry; that was a little harsh. Here, let me show you something…Raise your hand, Tristan.”

I wiped away the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes. Uncertainly, I raised my pale, quivering hand while looking at my guardian all the while.

“Now spread your fingers apart. There’s a good lad,” she said gently as I did so.

I tried to keep my attention focused on Angel, but I kept seeing the other Ikaji through the gaps between my fingers.

“Look at your fingers. They represent your strengths,” my guardian said, spreading her own fingers as well, “and your weaknesses? That would be the gaps in between, but…” She took my hands in hers, entwined our fingers, and held our connected hands up for me to see. “Look, there are no more gaps now. Our weaknesses have both disappeared to be replaced by our combined strength. So what do you say, Tristan? Shall we go meet your new Ikaji friends—together?”

I looked at our entwined hands, and slowly a soft smile spread over my face. Squaring my shoulders, I finally walked into the fabled playroom.

Another example--I like this one slightly better than the last one.
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The black cub stole away into the twilight and watched as the sun touched the water's edge, causing lazy ripples vibrating over its surface. He smiled at his reflection and calmly stepped into the gentle caress of the tranquil water. Immediately a serene feeling of peace stole over him, and he wondered why he had ever feared it…

It was a dark night, starless and the moon’s comforting light was covered with an ominous shadow. The cub looked around the forest, shuddering with an air of foreboding. Was it possible that I took a wrong turn home? he thought to himself, Where exactly am I?

Suddenly he heard the snap of a twig behind him. Whirling around, he found himself face to face with a snarling pack of dark side gizers. The snarled menacingly, enjoying the aura of his fear, and moved in closer.

“W-why are you following me?” the little pup stuttered.
A large gizer, probably the leader of the pack, growled, “Gizer you may be—like us, but when hunger calls, we aren’t picky about our morsels of food.”

“F-food?” the little pup squeaked, “but I’m not food!”

With that, the large gizer inclined his head, and instantly the rest of the pack leaped at the small, black and blue male.
Without even thinking, the little gizer dashed around the snapping teeth, and ran as fast as his little paws would carry him. He was tremendously glad that his shadowy hue allowed him to blend in with the dark alignment of the night.

Suddenly, he skidded to a halt, yipping with fear. Sikina, the waterfall, roared with all the might of its rushing waters. Water! Instinctively, the pup backed up from the turbulent rapids, until he heard from behind him, “There he is, all trapped and vulnerable! Now hunt my pack, and bring me the miserable little runt’s flesh!”

The young gizer looked at the relentless rivulets of water, which he had feared since the day the world was made known to him. Then he looked at the steadily advancing gizers, driven by their hunger. He trembled uncontrollably and made a sudden dash for Sikina. Hey, it was better than getting eaten wasn’t it? He leaped into the heart of the water—a leap of faith some might call it…

Jerking back from his reverie, the black pup mused to himself how lucky he had been. For though he had been bruised and battered all over after the encounter with the dark gizers, needless to say, he had survived. Batting the water playfully with his paw, he trudged back into the sanctuary of his home, and melted into the shadows.

More examples...? If you've actually read this far, thank you for bearing with me. You must be bored or you might actually like my writing. -coughcough-
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Home…the sanctuary she had been searching for ever since the day she had first opened her bright, eager eyes upon the world of Telurea, and found no one there to greet her.

The little female Diluen awoke with a start and hopefully, she glanced down at her paws. She groaned. The same slender stalks of grass encircled them. The same grass that paved the soil of the lush trees that made up something called a forest. The same grass she had known all her life!

Sinking to her haunches, she fought the urge to cry. Belonging to a place was her greatest desire, but belong she did not. And certainly, the forest held no attractions for her. Yiruma, she muttered, get a hold of yourself! Sighing, she laid her head back down onto the grass.

With her eyes clenched shut, she burst out into the light. As her little eyes opened once more to the world, an involuntary gasp of awe escaped her. A moving ribbon of water was etched into the group, while above her hung a glaring, yellow ball of light that had previously been covered by the dark canopies of the forest trees. And amazingly, there was a vast expanse of blue from which the orb was suspended. Blue…the very color that she herself bore, and never did she know that it was shared by such magnificent entities! Her thoughts turned back to the curious water which seemed to gurgle and laugh with a will of its own. Such magnificent entities indeed! Yiruma thought.

Tentatively, she stepped into the aqueous display and laughed in delight as the water parted around her and simply continued with its journey down the winding stream.

I’m home…

Closing her eyes once more, she found that her heart felt as if it was glowing with warmth—something that had never occurred before. Could this be the feeling they called…happiness?

Jerking from her dream, Yiruma saw once again the field of grass that never seemed to cease tormenting her. But despair she did not.

I know what I’m looking for, and I know I will find it, she told herself. And ever so confidently, she turned and walked toward the light.

This is probably my best one out of all these examples...And also the longest.
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Tall trees, scraping the foundations of the vast, starless sky, loomed ominously over their softly swaying shadows imprinted upon the earth. A luminous orb of glowing light, suspended in the night’s expanse of darkness, threw its silvery light upon the ground in irregular pools—obscured by the shade cast by…

The forest…Something in there sang to his blood, ensnared his mind—and tonight, he resolved to figure out what it was. Masked by the dark abyss of nighttime, he drifted between the trees, white hair billowing behind him…blissfully unaware of the calamity he’d left behind.

“Lukaaaaaaa?!” a shrill screech broke through silence. The speaker, Angel, Luka’s guardian, was wildly throwing aside the cloth adorning her table, as if hoping to find her Raevan concealed beneath it.

“What’d I do?! Was it something I said?”

Missing the light snore traditionally uttered from Luka’s sleeping figure, Angel had went to investigate only to find her Frei had just—vanished. “W-where could he be?!” she moaned, and as she looked up, her gaze landed on the forest.

The Frei in question was, at the moment, traversing the forest trying to find whatever had captured his soul, caused his longing. The tugging in his heart grew more and more pronounced, and to his disappointment, his journey was proving to be fruitless. Of course, as a satyr, Luka knew he was naturally drawn to nature—but this strange longing seemed to delve much deeper…

And that was when he stumbled into the clearing. Moonlight was filtered in through gaps in the forest canopy—landing on a being that made Luka gape in awe. A slender, willowy female was seated on top of a mossy rock. Under the moon’s glare her pale ivory skin was nearly white bringing out her full lips which were redder than holly berries. A laurel of fresh maple leaves rested atop her shimmering, autumn-colored tresses, which she was combing with what appeared to be a pinecone. Clad in loose robes of the earth’s richest browns that somehow managed to show off her flawless figure—she was perfect.


Luka greedily drank in every detail. Even though he had never seen one of her kind, he instinctively knew what she was—a wood nymph, whose kind his satyr forefathers had been chasing after ever since the time of their creation. She was the one who had enslaved his mind.

Suddenly shy in the presence of such perfection, Luka slowly floated forward with all the quietness his entity could muster—but as furiously intoxicated with the nymph’s breathtaking beauty as he was, he accidentally floated face first into a tree, causing a soft thump that resounded throughout the clearing.

Suddenly alerted she wasn’t alone in her lunar-lighted haven, the wood-nymph froze, then slowly turned to face Luka. Catching sight of him, scrunching his face in agony from his confrontation with the tree, her eyes widened.

The sight of her striking emerald eyes laced with flecked gold made Luka’s heartbeat race.

“Satyr…” she whispered in a breathless voice.

Her eyes filled with alarm, catching sight of the unmistakable admiration reflected in Luka’s eyes. In a motion so fast Luka would’ve missed, had he blinked, the nymph threw down her comb and darted out of the clearing.

“N-no, wait!” cried Luka distressed by the knowledge that just knowing he was a satyr made the nymph turn on her heels and run. He bolted after her with such rapidness even Luka himself didn’t know he was capable of. Looking over her shoulder and seeing Luka so close behind, she fervently muttered something under her breath and clasped her hands in a praying position.

Suddenly recalling all the stories Angel had read to him about satyrs and nymphs, Luka was filled with a terrible foreboding of what was to come. He'd known his ancestors always chased after nymphs.

No wonder the nymph had run as soon as she laid her eyes on me…

Finally remembering what would happen after the nymph uttered their prayers to their gods, Luka was filled with dread. He increased his speed even more, as if doing that would help him prevent the inevitable.

A flash of light swirled around the nymph, momentarily blinding Luka. When he could see again, Luka found he was hurtling at full speed towards—a newly made maple tree. Unable to slow his momentum, for the second time that night…Luka crashed into a tree—the tree that had been the wood nymph a few seconds ago.

“Damn it,” he swore, “I thought those stories Angel told me were myths!” Then he was filled with revulsion that the nymph had only turned into a tree because he’d impulsively chased after her, as his ancestors had done before. And to escape him, she called upon the gods to make her a tree—just as her ancestors had done.

Suddenly, the Raevan noticed it was now so dark he could barely see anything, except for the dark void cloaking the forest. Lost in thought, and rashly acting on whim as usual, Luka had failed to plan ahead. How am I going to get back?!

A hovering light caught Luka’s attention. Grateful for a source of light, Luka instantly rushed toward it without thinking, never considering what exactly the mysterious light could be. For the third time, Luka crashed into something corporeal that yelped loudly on impact.

“Luka?” a voice said disbelievingly. “Luka, it’s you!” The flashlight belonged to Angel, whose worried face made the Frei feel even more ashamed. Then, the worry in her face was replaced with anger, “What do you think you’re doing, sneaking out of the house at nighttime!? Why—oh,” Angel said, comprehension dawning on her face, “Does this have to do with why you were always staring at the forest through the window?

Luka could only nod and ask in reply, “H-how are we going to get back?”

“Unlike you, Luka, I’m well prepared!” Angel declared holding up a nearly unraveled ball of yarn. “Ready to leave yet?”

“One moment,” Luka floated back to the clearing, where the nymph’s pinecone comb lay, abandoned by its previous owner. Pocketing the comb, he looked back to the maple tree whispering, “I’m sorry—I really meant no harm.”

As Luka headed back to Angel, a solitary leaf dropped from the tree, swirled around Luka, and landed at his feet. The wind rustled through the maple’s branches, and Luka could have sworn the tree was waving to him—goodbye...

Reserve Some Posts for Future Writing?
Ok, here's another one...It might not make sense, because it's based off another shop in Gaia.
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The moon glowed from its heavenly alcove, spraying pools of silvery moonlight into the kitchen, where a young woman sat, her eyes flickering open and shut with every passing second. Angel sighed, eyeing the clock above her kitchen mantle that was slowly ticking away in a hypnotic metronome, lulling her mind back to the thoughts of sleep.

Almost midnight…

When are they going to bring the little girl that I am to be the new guardian of? Angel wondered, stifling a yawn.

She was a little surprised when the people from Eden had insisted upon delivering Madeline during the night—quite the opposite of most toddlers she knew, who clung to daytime for it meant having fun, playing, and happiness. For them, nighttime brought ghosts, nightmares, and even worse—sleep. Angel smiled to herself at the simplicity of a young toddler’s philosophy: Why sleep when you can play? And speaking of toddlers, wherever could Madeline be? Eyelids growing heavy, Angel wearily slumped into her chair, still fighting sleep’s empowering embrace. Finally giving in the struggle, Angel closed her eyes and allowed sleep to claim her.


Ding-dong…Dingdongdingdong—the sound of impatient ringing from the doorbell knocked Angel out of her little “catnap.”

Though she was still weary, Angel forced an energetic smile on her face as she approached the door. Throwing it open, she sculpted her face to allow what she hoped appeared to be a casual and playful grin.

“Ah, hello, you must be Madel—“

She stopped in mid-sentence as her eyes fell upon the little girl standing outside her doorway. Long, dark tresses of hair accented her unusually pale face, devoid of any emotion. Dull red eyes stared at Angel and she got the vague feeling of drowning into an abyssal chasm. Were red eyes normal in a child? And on her back—just looking at it gave Angel an involuntary shudder. From it protruded four long, spindly legs, segments that belonged to…a spider. Angel absolutely loathed those creepy-crawlies. And if the spider legs weren’t enough, out of the left corner of Madeline’s trickled a small rivulet of blood. Admittedly, the agency had warned her about the girl’s eccentric love of spiders—but dressing up as a spider? That went a little too far, even by Angel’s loose standards, and it wasn’t anywhere near Halloween yet.

“—line?” Angel’s voice rose at least an octave higher as she uttered the last part syllable the toddler’s, her voice synonymous to a squeak.

Madeline fixed her blank ruby-colored eyes on Angel and nodded apathetically, spider limbs twitching.

Angel felt a swell of revulsion as she watched the creepy legs on Madeline’s back move, and fought down the urge to slam the door shut. How does she make those legs move? Angel wondered to herself, surely they CAN’T be real…

Giving Madeline a forced smile that looked halfway between a grimace and a smirk, she said in a high pitched voice, still eyeing Madeline’s arachnid limbs, “Ah, yes! I’ve been expecting you! D-do come in, come in, d-dear and uh…t-take a seat!”

Madeline slowly shuffled in and sat heavily on one of the kitchen’s chairs.

Angel followed, taking a chair, but not too close to Madeline’s odd spider costume. If Angel didn’t know any better, she’d have sworn they looked real—but whoever heard of a child with spider appendages growing out of her back?

Madeline observed that her new guardian was eyeing her with intense scrutiny, shivering whenever her gaze landed on her extra legs. She felt lost and insecure, and to her shame, Madeline’s eyes welled up with salty dewdrops, threatening to drop at any moment. This new person didn’t like her anymore than the old one did.

At a loss for words, Angel shifted her gaze once more to Madeline’s face, and to her shock a solitary tear was making its way down Madeline’s face. Angel’s face immediately blanched—she hadn’t even met the toddler for five minutes, and already she had made the young’un cry.

Dipping her head in shame, Angel whispered, “N-no, please, Madeline. Don’t cry! E-everything’s fine n-now, a-a-a-and—Oh! Just tell me, what’s wrong, please!?” Angel wrung her hands nervously.

Madeline wiped the teardrop off her face, only to find that more took its place. “Spydas! You don’t like spydas! You d-don’t like m-me!” she sniffled, her spider appendages waving around frantically.

Angel frowned, lip wobbling, Spydas? Oh…spiders! She thinks that I don’t like her because I don’t like spiders! “No, Madeline, you m-must be m-mistaken! I do l-like you! Very m-much!”

“SPYDAS!” her young charge cried out. “You hate the spydas! You ha-hate me!”

Obviously, Madeline wouldn’t believe that in actuality, Angel didn’t hate her, until she proved that she did not hate spiders—which was quite hard to prove, seeing as Angel did in fact not like spiders. At a loss of what to do, Angel tried to pat Madeline on the back in what she hoped seemed like a comforting manner, but Madeline’s trembling spider costume kept getting in the way, and Angel really didn’t want to touch any spider legs—be they real or faux.

Her gaze suddenly falling on a poster with a spider on it, that Angel had designed herself, she frantically grabbed at it and dashed next to Madeline, who’s tears kept on falling and falling, staining the front of her black dress.

“Look, Madeline! A spider poster! I m-made it myself! I love spiders, I really do!” Angel tried to firmly tell the little girl, praying wildly that the little toddler could read yet, for next to the picture of the enormous spider, read the words: “Eradicate Spiders—Pests of the Home” in elegant script.

Fortunately Madeline had never learned script, and she turned to look at the poster in a considering way, her eyes still moist and shiny from all the raining that they had just carried out.

Jabbing her finger at the huge poster, she asked, “You like spyda?”

Angel, relieved to see that the worst part of the storm was over, shook her head enthusiastically, “Yes, I love them!”

Almost hesitantly, she brought herself to hug Madeline in spite of the alien limbs that still were present on her back. It would be pushing it to try to get the odd costume off Madeline so soon, but Angel resolved to give the Eden Project a call later to determine how exactly to get it off Madeline.

Madeline slowly proceeded with her next question, “You l-like m-me? I’m not…c-c-creepy?”

Angel was horrified to find that Madeline was asking if she found her creepy, “Of course you’re not creepy!” A little odd…but definitely not creepy, she thought to herself. “Where did you get such an awful idea?!”

“M-Mother thought I was! She l-left because I w-was!” Madeline wailed in distress, tears springing to her eyes yet again.

Angel would have dearly loved to ask for more specifics about why Madeline’s mother had left—what kind of mother would abandon her daughter just because she thought that she was creepy? But she hardly knew the girl yet; the time for those questions was not now, but later. It was obvious that what Madeline needed now was love, and not inquisitive inquiries. Angel got the sense that Madeline was a child who was not used to opening up to anybody, and the fact that she had told Angel that her mother had abandoned her because was creepy, was good enough for now.

“Nonsense, my sweet,” Angel crooned, “you aren’t half as creepy as I am. Now it’s very late, dear, and you ought to be getting some sleep, you poor thing. You can have my bed for tonight; would you like that?”

Angel gently carried her to her bedroom, and deposited her on the bed. “Good night, Madeline. Sweet dreams,” but she found that her charge was already sleeping.

Tiptoeing out of the room, Angel sighed happily—she had handled that quite well, hadn’t she? Perhaps she could even genuinely learn to love spiders! But still…she did want to get that spyda—err…SPIDER costume off Madeline for the time being.

Sighing in a content fashion, Angel dialed Eden Project, completely overlooking that fact that it was past one in the morning.

If you had been walking near Angel’s house some ten minutes later, you too might have heard the shrill scream that jerked all her neighbors out of their peaceful snoring: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT A COSTUME?!”

Another Reserve Just in Case?

Maybe I'll just keep reserving until I hit page two.

Still Reserving! I wonder if anyone will actually visit this thread...

Hopefully, I'll get some feedback about my writing. :oops:

I doubt I'll need this many posts, but oh well!

Anything to procrastinate, eh?

Almost there?
And then all I have to do is wait for posters...

This might take a while...

I'm sorry if I'm annoying you with my endless banter.

And we're there! Ok, I'll just wait for posters I suppose.

I'm moving this to main forum. ^^
I know the rules aren't there yet, but the writing discussion is more discussing about your writing in general (and providing small examples).

Actual stories/drabbles in which you're seeking feedback and comments should be posted in the main forum. ^^

• 
  I'll crit your first example. :3
  
  
  "It just wasn’t to be(;) as long as my crippling shyness still afflicted me."
  • Add semi colon. :3
  
  "Reality hit me hard and I turned to see the face of my guardian, Angel."
  • This is good, but if want to keep 'reality hit me hard' you may want to have more dreamy images or hopes in the first paragraph. c:
  
  “Oh Tristan, it’s either you pluck up the courage to talk with them,”
  • I like what the gardian angel says here, but the first part of this sentence reads wrong. "Oh Tristan. Either you pluck up the courage to talk with them" sould sound better, without the 'it's'.
  •"Her words slapped against me like a cold breeze." She sounded so nice, though? Why are her words cold? It sounded like she was merely helping the misguided. :3;
  
  • "Seeing how her words (had) hurt me"
  Changed tenses, maybe instead of hurt, say "left me unsettled" or something to that effect.
  
  • “Look at your fingers. They represent your strengths,”
  This is so cute, I really like what happens here. <3
  
  •" Squaring my shoulders, I finally walked into the fabled playroom."
  It seems like a sentence is missing at the end. Like, "I finally walked into the fabled playroom to do what I've never done before/to face my fears/to be brave/ etc etc" Something 'final' sounding. :3
  
  All in all, it's very good! Cute and sweet, too. x3 <3 There are just a few weird wordings here and there, but it's very nice all the same. n__n
  

@Seito: Ahh, ok! Thanks for moving it then ^^

@Owl: Thanks for giving me my first critique. It's very much appreciated!

no problem. ^^;;; I really have to set up those rules threads soon.

• 
  No problem. n__n When I have more time I'll crit some of your other stories. :3
  

Thanks Owl, but please don't feel obliged to critique--you definitely don't have to!

And thanks again, Seito ^.^