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Winter Wind
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Old 04-27-2010, 07:00 AM

I don't know what to do.
When he found his mother lifeless in the hot tub, the first thing he did was call me. He didn't even call 911 first, he called me.
I rushed over as fast as I possibly could, then spent about 3 hours with him.
I don't know what to do though, how can I make him feel better? I've been blessed with zero death experience, I don't know if I say something insensitive or I'm not saying the right things or something.
I'm back home now, but I feel like I should still be with him. Even if I have AP exams and whatever coming up, I feel that he's so much more important. I can only offer him the love of a highschooler, but I feel like that's what I should be doing, instead of studying/crying.

I think I've also lost the right to be his girlfriend. Just yesterday, I called him and asked him if he could help me with my AP exams and IB exams. We ended up studying and hanging out for about 3 hours. His mother divorced his father because he was cheating on her, but now I feel like I stole my boyfriend away from her. His sister is 23, so she's pretty independent. What if I didn't ask him to help me? If I wasn't so dependent on him, maybe she could've had dinner with him yesterday, and she wouldn't think about suicide. Sure, she was really stressed out from money and house problems, then joining the workforce after 20 years and the likes, but she wouldn't have killed herself, right? What if I was the deciding factor? What if my decision to keep my boyfriend to myself caused her to commit suicide?!

He's been so kind to me. We've been dating for about a year and a half, and he's always always been there for me. If I ever needed help, he was just a phone call away. He'd help me with all my exams (thanks to him I had straight A's for the first time), but I feel like I've just been taking advantage of him. I mean, I'm not dumb, why can't I figure out my problems myself? I don't need him to help me with every little thing, but he's been so kind and he's never refused me, I've become so incredibly spoiled.

I don't know how I can face him. I want to help him get better with my entire heart, but I don't know if I have the right to be.

Last edited by Winter Wind; 04-27-2010 at 07:03 AM..


dieyousucker
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Old 04-27-2010, 12:20 PM

i think you dont have to say something for him to feel that you care. just stay by his side, in silence, you'll understand each other. or so i believe.


Silenia
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Old 04-27-2010, 12:48 PM

I doubt that you were the reason, Winter Wind.
Suicide isn't something you 'suddenly decide on', or so I have experienced. I have little doubt she has thought about it before. Even if your boyfriend could have kept her from it at that specific moment, possibly, she would likely have done so another time. In the end, it was her decision, not one you forced her to take.

As for what you can do for him... let him know you're there, but do not push him. Make sure he knows you're there if he wants to talk or scream or cry or pray, but don't keep urging him to talk about it or let out his emotion. Everyone reacts to the death of a loved person in a different way.
If he does not want contact for a moment, or shuts you out, that may be his way of dealing with it. Just make sure you are there for him... but let him make his own decisions in how he wants to deal with it.

The fact that you are afraid you might be taking advantage of him, that want to be there for him, that you think about if you have the right to do so proves to me that you are not taking advantage of him. You care about him a lot.


lostnkunfusion
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Old 04-29-2010, 10:07 AM

I'm telling you this from personal experience.
Don't pressure him to talk about it. Wait until he is ready. When he is ready don't blow him off, sit and listen to every word he has to say. Pressuring him at this point will only make him feel worse, blowing him off and ignoring him will make him feel like no one really cares. So if you care about this guy, please please please just stick by his side and tell him that he doesn't have to talk about it until he's ready and when he's ready you're all ears.

About 4 years ago when my mother passed away, I went through a lot of the same stuff he's going to go through right now. But keep in mind that it is normal for him to go through the grief steps (denial, anger, sorrow, and acceptance) and he'll go through them at his own pace. And one of the best things for him is to have someone as loving as you to be right there by his side helping him all the way.

And also, none of this is your fault. None of this is his fault. Sometimes people that commit suicide have a lot of inner trouble and they have a hard time reaching out to find people to help them.

I'm very sorry to hear about the lose of his mother, my heart goes out to the guy, may God be with him and his family.

Last edited by lostnkunfusion; 04-29-2010 at 10:10 AM..


Hayzel
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Old 04-29-2010, 06:21 PM

Oh geeze. I'm sorry to hear what happened.

It's not your fault though. People move on with their lives, your boyfriend couldn't live with his mom and keep her company forever. What she did was incredibly selfish and hurt a lot of people, but right now the worst thing would probably be for you to leave your boyfriend. He just lost his mother, he might not be able to stand losing his girlfriend too.

My husband's parents got divorced a few years back when we were still dating. I felt similarly, that here I was stealing her son from her after she had just lost her husband to an old from of my husband's. I felt like it was my fault completely. If I hadn't been interested in Travis, he would've probably dated this other girl, which means she wouldn't have been free to screw his dad and ruin his family. I think it was her way of getting back at Travis for turning her down. That said, I know deep down the divorce was the fault of this other girl and my husbands father, but I still felt responsible in some way. It got to the point where I was so depressed about it my husband sat me down and forced me to tell him what was wrong. Maybe you just need to talk about it with your boyfriend.


Kole_Locke
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Old 05-03-2010, 05:33 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by dieyousucker View Post
i think you dont have to say something for him to feel that you care. just stay by his side, in silence, you'll understand each other. or so i believe.

I think that is definitely sound advice. Sometimes saying nothing can mean saying everything that needs to be said and just being there means more than anything. Death is never an easy thing to deal with.


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Old 05-03-2010, 08:11 PM

Going by your first post, you're a being good friend. It probably helped a lot that you went right over when it happened.

Last edited by Claudia; 05-04-2010 at 02:14 AM..


Yumeko
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Old 05-03-2010, 10:26 PM

I lost my father when I was 11. The best thing that anyone did for me was just being by my side. I didn't need people to say the right thing or treat my special. I just wanted to know that there were people close to me that I could turn to if I did need something.

Don't beat yourself up over it. There are always millions of "what ifs" with death, especially suicide. There is no way to know that it was your fault. There's no way to know that it was your boyfriend's fault. In all honesty, I don't think it's anyone's fault but his mom's. Regardless of her reasons, it was her choice. I don't mean to sound rude or insensitive by saying that. The simple fact is that something came up in her life that she didn't feel strong enough to handle, so she decided to end it. Don't blame yourself for that.


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Old 05-04-2010, 01:04 AM

Okay. First of all, it is NOT your fault, or your boyfriend's fault, that his mom killed herself. It was her choice, so don't blame yourself. You also have not "lost the right" to be his girlfriend. Please stop beating yourself up.

Be there for your boyfriend, but don't forget to take care of yourself, too.


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Old 05-06-2010, 12:22 AM

I'm so sorry to hear about all that. :(

First of all, it is definitely not your fault that she decided to commit suicide. I don't know her reasons, but it is never just one thing that makes you say "okay, yeah, time to die." I'm certain she was depressed and thinking about it before it happened and, like Silenia said, even if your boyfriend HAD been there at that moment it probably wouldn't have prevented the situation from eventually occurring.

I'm not very good at condoling people after a death happens, and being lucky enough to never experience a death of someone close to my myself, I can't tell you exactly the right course of action. But your boyfriend definitely seems to want you there, given that he called you before he even called the police. I think you're being hard on yourself; if you were a bad girlfriend or taking advantage of him, why would he be with you at all? Be there for him when he needs you, and that's really all you can do.


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Old 05-06-2010, 04:51 PM

Last Friday, a close friend of mine ended her own life. She bought a gun, went to the park, and shot herself.

I've been going through a lot of different - sometimes contradictory - waves of emotion. Every day has been a different kind of struggle. Crying, numbness, crying, numbness, RAGE, crying, and more numbness.

One way I'm personally coping is doing a lot of research on suicide and suicide survivors. The general consensus is that suicide survivors have to work through a lot of different feelings and thoughts (including feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, and so on), some of which may seem irrational to others. Point being that we have to work through these feelings, not avoid them.

My only advice is to avoid the cliches ("time heals all wounds," is the one everyone keeps telling me, and it hurts more than it helps), acknowledge and accept your own feelings, and understand that your boyfriend has a LOT to work through, some of which will be extremely painful for him, and thus difficult for those around him. Don't withdraw from him unless he gives you a clear indication that he needs some extra room.


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Old 05-06-2010, 08:33 PM

Just be there for him when he needs you. The only thing that's really going to help is time.

And one thing I've learned from my father's suicide;
It's never anyone else's fault. It was their decision, and you should never blame yourself for it, it will just lead you down a bad path. And, definitely don't make his situation worse by getting down in the dumps thinking its your fault.

Last edited by Amelia; 05-06-2010 at 08:36 PM..


Azu-nyan
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Old 05-07-2010, 02:17 PM

This is always a hard thing to go through. My friend killed himself about 2 years ago now and it is a terrible thing to have to go through. It is heartbreaking to feel that you couldn't be there for that person when they might have needed you. The sad thing is sometimes there is nothing that you can actually do to help.

NEVER think it was or is your fault. Guilt is a horrible emotion. I have felt guilty for the past two years, thinking about the things that I could have done to prevent my friend from feeling that he couldn't do anything else, that suicide was his last hope. It's hard to silence those feelings but in this case, you are definitely not at fault!

Just be there for your boyfriend. You have been together for a fair time, so just show him that you love him and that you care. He will talk to you when he is ready, and just be there for him when he is.

I hope you are doing okay yourself, because this is a pretty big thing to be a part of *hugs* I hope this advice and hugs help!

And I hope doomfishy is okay too *lots of hugs*


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Old 05-07-2010, 08:01 PM

this is a terribly touchy subject. It's hard to know what a person is really thinking if they don't show it on the outside. I don't think it was your fault, any mother would be happy to know her son was with someone who loves him. Right now, don't worry about whose at fault, just be there. Give him all the love and support because in the end, that's all we can do. I'm very sorry for your loss...


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Old 05-08-2010, 01:34 PM

All pain takes time to deal with. Just be there for him and be patient. Time will heal his wounds.

And I agree with others. Suicide doesn't come from one isolated person or event. It has a long build-up of hopelessness to it.


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Old 05-08-2010, 05:01 PM

Oh, honey. This is, in NO way, your fault. Suicide isn't something that's spontaneous. She had probably planned it out, and had her mind set by then. Even if she had had dinner with her son, I doubt that would have changed her mind.

You can't blame yourself. If you blame yourself, you'll just make yourself miserable hon. Your boyfriend needs you right now, and you couldn't be there for him if you yourself are so unstable. (Of course some amount is expected. Your boyfriend's mother just committed suicide. But you understand what I mean.)


Winter Wind
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Old 05-25-2010, 05:19 AM

Reading through all these responses (a couple of weeks late, I was too busy to check back), thanks so much for the support and advice guys.

I really appreciate it. :]

So far, my boyfriend's dealing with it pretty well. He's still doing all his work, still laughs, goes to counseling appointments, I think he's doing the best he can.
I'm trying my best to help him with the easy stuff, like making his favorite sandwich and hanging out with him during our lunch breaks.

I'm not sure if I've completely accepted that she's gone though...though I suppose that'll take time.
I keep on seeing pictures of her in the kitchen waving at me. ;-;


jehneefur
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Old 05-25-2010, 09:41 AM

Hey. Don't blame yourself for other's actions. Everyone has choices- it's really childish and a lie to say "He made me do it!!!!"

Just be there and support him. I personally believe everything happens for a reason. You might not see the light in this situation right now.. but down the road you'll see how much you've learned about life by the reality of false security. Life is truly a vapor- we're living here together- we're in this together.

Much Love.


AldreaOrcinae
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:08 AM

Don't blame yourself. If his mom was really that depressed, one night's dinner with her son probably wouldn't have made a difference. It seems insensitive to say, but it's true. It was just a case of bad timing- you asking your boyfriend to help you study the night before something terrible and out of your control happened. It doesn't mean you don't deserve to be his girlfriend.

As for what to do, yes, you DO have a right to be there for him. How do I know this? Because you say he called you before calling 911. He gave you that right. And the thing about this situation is you don't have to say anything, except "I am here when you want to talk." After that, all you must do is listen. There is no way you can know in advance how he will deal with this. He probably doesn't even know how he'll deal with this. Just let him know, "Hey, I am here whenever you need me, in whatever capacity". That statement will teach him that you are not judging him, or his situation. You are not expecting him to go through a grieving process at any given rate or order. You are simply stating that you will be there for him whenever the process starts and whatever road it takes.

Personally, I wish I would have had someone as willing as you to support me when my great grandfather passed away. He was the closest thing to a real parent I had ever experienced, and when he died, all I got were people wondering if I was going to be singing at his funeral, and idiotc questions like "do you miss him?". At the funeral, the priest from our local church turned his eulogy into a tirade against the members of the family who who were no longer attending/donating to his church and mentioned me specifically, when my great-grandfather never attended his church in the first place. After that, the only thing my grandmother (his daughter, whom I lived with at the time) said to console me was "At least his funeral had a good turnout" and proceeded to beat me when my reply was "It was a funeral, not a rock concert." All I wanted was someone to quietly sit beside me and say "If you need me, I'm here, and if you don't, I'm still here." I never got that, and because of that the subject of his death is still very sensitive to me when I should have been over it by now.

So just let your boyfriend know that while you may not have any life experience or sage advice to contribute to his situation, you are there to support him and make him feel loved. That is really the best you can do, and the most he can expect of you. I wish you the best of luck.


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Old 05-31-2010, 06:51 AM

Aghhh death. It's the most difficult thing for any side to deal with, be it you or him. In my personal experience, it's important that you stay with him for the time being, to compensate for his empty feeling and to express your care. You don't need to say anything, sometimes it's better for you not to: simply because the atmosphere doesn't pressure for it.


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Old 06-06-2010, 05:10 PM

I've never personally had one incident make me want to kill myself, and as someone who used to think about it for years, it just builds up until you can't handle it anymore and just want out.

I've had one incident stop my suicide attempt, but never cause it. (long story)

As for your boyfriend, it seems he will likely need you in his life more, as a comfort, because if him and hi mom were close, he's likely hurting/missing her.


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Old 06-06-2010, 06:16 PM

You can't beat yourself up or blame yourself. You were not the reason a woman has decided to end her life. You're too small a part for that. What's happened happened, right now you can focus on being a good girlfriend and, moreover, friend to your boyfriend. And I'm sure he'll be glad to have you there. It's really tough what you both are going through--yes, both. It's hard for you to keep going in life despite the overwhelming sadness of the situation, but you just have to keep studying and going on with life. That's why it's called life.


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Old 06-16-2010, 01:57 PM

First of all do not blame yourself for his mother's death. Those 3 hours wouldn't have made a difference, for all you know she was waiting to do it and didn't want anyone around the house when she actually kills herself.
Right now the only thing you can do for your boyfriend is show your support, be there when you can. I'm sure he'll understand that you can't be with him all the time due to your exams/whatever it is coming up.
Just keep in mind that you have been with your boyfriend for over a year and if you were the deciding factor in it, she probably would have killed herself sooner then that. You never know what was going on in her head to do it.
I'm sorry for your's and your boyfriend's loss.


monstahh`
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Old 06-16-2010, 09:03 PM

Anne, it's not your fault.
Don't blame yourself.

I don't want to sound callous, but, his mother is the selfish one, not you. She left her teenager son in the world because she was too much of a wuss to tough it out and work through her problems. She took the easy way out. I don't know the circumstances though, so I can't say fersure about that (I do believe that you should have the right to kill yourself if you so choose, but I also believe that it should only be a last-possible-option, and that you should seek help and other options first).

Anyway, all you can/should do, is be there for him, he's probably going through a terrible time right now.

But also be careful with yourself. You're just a high schooler. If it becomes too much for you to handle you have to worry about yourself first, and then him. Which sucks, but, are you really of any help to him if you're an emotional mess too? Two crying depressed upset hurting teenagers tend to just feed off each other. :sweat:

Also, make sure he seeks some therapy or grief counseling. It really helped me when I lost my parents.


 

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