Hey guys xD This is my first short story I have the guts to post.
Its most likely to either the Epilogue, Ending, or Prologue of the story i'm writing. Most likely the Epilogue.


The story is called Town Of Twilight if you haven't guessed by now <3

So please tell me what you think :D

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I waited for seventeen days in the room with no windows. At least I think it was seventeen. The unknown view of the sky left me unable to know the time of day it was. I had been chained to the ground and strapped into a strait jacket, even something I could not break. The sound of birds calling and the leaves rustling whistled through my head, but not my ears.

I spent my time praying, not necessarily to god, but just hoping that he would come for me-no that anyone would come. The loneliness was beginning to become unbearable, and the monotony of every day brought it on quicker.

Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. Maybe the time I spent locked up was only for a few seconds, or a few minutes. However it seemed to me as though it had been years. With all my senses cut off, I had nothing to rely on.

By the sixteenth day, I understood that no one was coming for me. My eternity was to remain locked in this bare room until my sanity took a dive in the wrong direction.

The seventeenth day I had become cold and unreadable. The expression on my face had not changed from the melancholy look I sustained throughout the day. I looked up to the ceiling in the way a lab rat looks to its master. I could feel the corners of my mouth dropping, the bags under my eyes getting larger, the weight of my holding my body up from drooping.
However the eighteenth day was like a bullet that hit without warning.

First a large crash, then fragments and dust flying past my head. Before I knew it I was soaring through the air in the arms of a strongly built frame and surrounded by silvery hair.

“You came back…� I whispered, even too softly for even myself to hear.
“No one would ever leave behind their crown jewel.� He snarled to me.

Before I knew it the smoky dust faded and lush green trees surrounded us. Still confined by my strait jacket, I didn’t move from his arms. I felt my eyes suddenly drop as my mind faded into an unknown unconsciousness, where the season never changed from fall, and the time never changed from twilight.

To be honest, I really like it, it has a nice feel to it.

It's a bit short though, maybe you could add a bit more of what she was feeling while being imprisoned (for thats what i think she is)

Though looking back, the way it;s so vague is a good thing for the roughness of the fragment, but as mentioned above, theres something missing and I think it is what should be added about her in the cell-thingie.

But overall good texture and your writing skills really pretty good ^^

There's good flow to the story, though it could easily be expanded upon. You might want to write some detail about how the room looks, feels, smells. And what about the lighting? Is it dark? Shadowy? Or bright? Even unpleasantly so? Is it damp in the cell? Does it smell of mildew? Things move along at a pretty good pace, but overall the story lacks sensory detail. If that was done intentionally, you should tell us why. Is your character blind? (S)he certainly isn't deaf, if she can hear the man speaking to her at the end.

You should also be realistic with how many days she's been there. 17 days is a very long time to go without food. Actually, it may be impossible. If I remember correctly, the human body can go for 40 days without water, but far fewer with no food. Is she being spoon-fed by a jailer? She can't possibly be eating prison food or catching rats for herself if she's chained and bound in a straight jacket. I think changing it to 7 would repair any research issues, and you can still say it feels like months to her, with no problem.

You should take care with word usage. Saying the girl's eyes were "dropping" doesn't make any sense. Where did they go? o.O You also describe the main character's face as "unreadable," but immediately afterward say her expression was "melancholy." Melancholy is a very intense emotion of sadness. There's nothing "unreadable" about it.

I thought your idea was pretty unique and engrossing; I definitely wanted to know what was happening to your main character, and if you write more, I would be interested to read it. But resorting to a cliché such as "silvery hair" totally kills off the originality. I would steer clear of stereotypically beautiful hair, such as black or silver, even if you're writing a fantasy story.

And one final grammatical note: "He said" is not a sentence. When you write dialogue, the person speaking and the way they speak should be together in a single sentence, not split into two. For example, you should say:

"I can't go out because I'm grounded," Eric said.

NOT

"I can't go out because I'm grounded." Eric said.

And finally, though I really like the name of your story, I don't see how "twilight" applies. The main character talked about not knowing what time of day it was, and about birds chirping. Birds chirp the most in the morning, basically, and without telling us how the lighting was in the room, there's no way we'd even consider thinking it was twilight.

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I definitely think you've got potential. Just try to be as realistic as you are creative, and things will come together nicely for you.