Untitled Story

09:40 PM

Sorry its so long! This is chapter 1, I think. Please please please, CC! I need it desperately >.<
Oh, and if people would like, I can continue posting the other chapters here, but please let me know. This is also one of my first real attempts at writing a novel, so please don't kill me!

Chapter 1 - Edited

When the first wave slapped her face and stung her eyes, she knew that there was only a minuscule chance of ever surviving this. The water was cold and deadly, threatening to drag her down. Gulping what she thought would be her last breath, Aimi fought for her life. The salt water splashed and sprayed around her, but trying to breathe only made it worse. Lungfuls of air were turned into mouthfuls of salt water, slapping at the sides of her throat and burning her lungs. She felt the current, so strong, so frightening, dragging her from one tide to the next. The looming darkness below was vast, it stretched until god knew how deep, and Aimi did not want to feel the bottom. She attempted kicking with all her might, hoping to stay afloat, but it was no good as Aimi stubbed her toe against various rocks from below. Which meant it wasn't as deep as she'd thought. She still didn't want to meet the bottom.

Her blonde hair clung to her skin, threatening to obscure her vision as it fell into her eyes. She fought and fought until she found something to grab hold of, managed to stay afloat and breathe again. Her breathing was in short bursts, as though she'd go under again. And she did. Once there was hope of getting out of the water alive, a pair of hands curled around her neck, and she was forced beneath the water once more. The attack was a surprise, so again, she swallowed another gulp of salt water, feeling the stinging in her throat. Adrenaline pumped through her, but no matter how much she struggled, no matter how many kicks or punches she lunged at her attacker, she could not reach the surface.

Aimi's muscles soon gave out, and she was pushed into the depths of the ocean, darkness surrounding her completely. She could not hear anything. She could not see anything. Her body was going numb, devoid of any feeling. She could not even feel the extensive amount of chilled water surrounding her. She could not speak. She could control nothing of her own body. She was a rag doll, controlled by the ocean's will. Just another body thrown to waste, destroyed from the inside out. But there was still hope. It's when she felt a sudden tug. A pair of hands. She was being lifted, out of the water, by a pair of hands. She might live, she might breathe. She may overcome the swiveling evil darkness, the cold that bit at her skin. By the feel of it, her saviour was a male. She could feel the strength in his arms, the strength she had lost long ago. It wasn't long before her face reached the surface, and the wind was wiping at her face, causing her to shiver. Her eyes were still pressed shut, and she was drained with fatigue. Aimi could feel the weight pulling her down, dragging her under, lulling her to sleep. She dreamt of being chased, and not managing to outrun her attacker. She dreamt of being stuck, and watching her death toll tick silently before her. Aimi dreamt nightmares, nightmares of her life at the verge of ending.

∞∞∞

Her eyelids fluttered open, and with a stifling moan, she frowned. A load of questions came to mind as she stared at the ceiling, examining the wooden pillars. At first, she wondered why she was in a room she did not recognize. Then she started wondering what happened to have her been brought here in the first place. Everything she was thinking about, she had no answers to. Once she gave up trying to think, the girl sat up, only to be hit with waves of pain and Aimi clutched her sides. Sitting up only caused dizziness and pain, so she laid back down. She was so exhausted. She frantically searched her mind for any sort of memory in her past, anything that had happened before whatever brought her here, but all she could remember was the water, and the strength of the current, as well as the darkness below. She wondered how long she'd been unconscious.

She wasn't offered much time to lie there, because with a creak, she heard the wooden doors open. Turning her head cautiously, her eyes met a young man at the age of what could have been eighteen. With jet black hair in long strands, a thin white shirt, some faded blue khaki shorts that went down to his knee's and flip flops on, curious eyes met hers as he stopped to look at her.

"Isaac!" she heard someone call. Another male, older though. His voice was rougher, and he sounded.. tense? Panicked? She couldn't quite tell. The male in the room with her, who she assumed was the one called Isaac had turned his head toward the door he'd just come through.

"Yeah pa?" he answered, but he stayed where he was.

It didn't occur to her that she could have been kidnapped, or something. She presumed since she wasn't tied up, and she was wearing what looked like clean clothes, she was a guest, and not a victim. She wondered for a moment who changed her clothes, but she was interrupted by yet another male who entered the room. She was proved correct by his older features, but she could seen the resemblance. Father and son, like he'd responded. His stance was slightly bent, with a half shaven beard, light skin, black hair, and faded blue eyes. The resemblance was as clear as day.

"She's not there Isaac. She doesn't legally exist. I've searched everywhere for her, but wherever she came from, its not here," he urgently exclaimed. Once the man, through the look on his son's face, realized that Aimi was awake, his head turned slowly to look at her. With shoulders high and tense, the father exploded.

"Now, you tell me who the hell you are, or we'll have problems! You hear me?" he snapped. When Aimi stared at the father in fright, Isaac stepped forward, and placed a hand on his father's shoulder. That's when she realized Aimi herself could not recollect even the slightest bit of information about her. She couldn't even remember who she was! How was that possible? Had she lost her memory?
Aimi searched her mind frantically once more, but all that came to her was the troubling ocean. She wanted to stamp her feet, scream and cry all at the same time, she felt scared. She didn't know where she was, who those people were, and who she was. By the looks of it, these people didn't even know her, after all, she was screamed at for not legally existing. How can she not exist, she felt pretty alive.

"Not now pa, she's just woken up," he uttered gently. The father just grunted and left the room muttering to himself. Aimi again tried to remember something, but her mind was blank.

"I'm sorry... my dad... he..." Isaac didn't continue his sentence, only shook his head with a sigh, and ending it there.

"You must be feeling very confused, and above all, tired. I..." he lowered his head, unsure on what to say. There was a small pause, and Aimi felt uncomfortable in the silence. By the looks of it, Isaac did too, since he again came up with something to say.

"I'm sorry I haven't introduced myself earlier, I'm Isaac... and... well..." he paused for a moment, before continuing, "Is there anything you want to ask, or are you hungry.. or.." the man again, let his sentence trail into silence. Aimi smiled nervously. What were they going to say when they found out she didn't even know who she was? She nervously lowered her gaze.

"Um..." she pondered on what she wanted first. She was starving, both for food and for knowledge. "I can admit, I am quite hungry. How long have I been sleeping?" she asked in return, leaning against the wall as she sat on her bed. Her heart was beating in strange rhythms, and she played nervously with her fingers. She didn't know what to do. Should she leave, run when she had the chance? She didn't know if trying to fend herself was smart, she didn't even know where she was, she could be in the middle of no where for all she knew. Before she could even think out plan A, Isaac walked closer and nodded.

"You must have been sleeping for what was it... a day or so?" Isaac paused to think, before shaking his head and leaving it at that.
"Alright then, follow me," he motioned for her to follow him and walked out the door. Aimi followed close behind, observing everything she could for any ideas as to what she would do. She entered the rooms he passed through to access the kitchen, and the first thought she had was 'boy, did they have a nice kitchen'. A back door lead to a beach, as though it were their private garden, and the counters were made of wood, as well as the cubboards. Light colours such as peach, and plum covered the kitchen, as well as the lovely wooden colour, and the sun shone through the windows.

"Wow..." she breathed, distracted by its beauty.
"You like it?" he grinned. She nodded slowly, still looking around in awe. While she was standing in the middle of the kitchen, he cracked an egg in a pan. Her finger trailed along the counter as she walked around, then turning to look at him. Before Aimi had a chance of eating though, heck, not even a chance of asking a single question in the span of the few minutes she had spent in the kitchen, a bunch of teenagers around Isaac's age burst through the back door.

"Isaac! Beach! Co-" the boy that was in the midst of talking to Isaac had stopped abruptly as he noticed Aimi.
"Who's this?" was his curious question, no longer interested in the beach. Isaac laughed.
"Alright guys.." after they all gathered into the kitchen with curious eyes, Isaac turned to Aimi, and motioning each person, he introduced his friends,"This is Reed, Keto, Jian, Sloane, and Reagan. And guys, this is.." after realizing that he did not know Aimi's name, he turned to her expectantly, hoping she'd just fill him in, but instead there was a huge gap of silence.

"Uhm.. well.. you see.. I... uh.." Aimi stuttered as she thought for an excuse, but nothing came to her. She was at a loss for words, and she didn't think that she could hide her memory loss any longer. She tried to make up a name on the spot, but with her heart in her throat, and her brain refusing to cooperate, she lost the chance. Aimi scratched her head and fiddled with her hands.
"Well.. I.. uh.. kind of.. forgot?" she mumbled.
"She's fudged up.." Sloane observed, only to have Reagan nod in agreement.

06-26-2010, 05:45 AM

Your story is good. usually first time writers suck but you are really talented. you story is really interesting and i would be cool to be able to read the other chapters

09:41 PM

Thanks KimKimk. I'll shall start posting more here then ^^ Glad that you liked it. Any ideas on improvement?

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Chapter Two - Different Chapter two (not very different) is on page 3, and so is Chapter 3!

"Isaac, you choose the strangest girls to bring home," Reed remarked with a frown. Isaac hardly looked at Reed as he stared at the blond girl unbelievingly, but it wasn't only him that was confused. Everyone couldn't really understand what was going on. Even Sloane and Reagan, who are usually very open minded to this sort of thing, were wondering what was wrong with the girl, but since Isaac had never explained what happened to Aimi, they couldn't see the connection. Isaac, on the other hand, was really hoping she was joking. Things would be so much more complicated if she lost her memory. But was she just joking? Aimi looked serious, everyone could see that.

"What do you mean you forgot your name?" he exclaimed, unable to fully grasp what was going on. Things were spinning out of control, Isaac was getting nervous. He didn't like not knowing anything about her, just like Aimi thought she could have been kidnapped, he thought about what she could have been. Perhaps a normal high school girl? Or if you were a pessimist like Isaac was, maybe she was a serial killer.
"I think she means that she's lost her memory.." a girl who she recalled to be Jian suggested. She was Asian as far as Aimi could tell, but she wasn't sure from what part of Asia. The girl had puffy cheeks, and a circular face. She had the straightest black hair out of all them, including Aimi herself, with eyes that were really a dark brown, but looked black with long lashes.

"Say what? How'd she do that?" Sloane exclaimed with wide brown eyes. Things were really stretching out of her usual every day life, she'd never known someone could lose their memory just like that. Reagan was on the same page, unable to comprehend how and why Jian had come to the conclusion that she lost her memory, but why else would Aimi not know her name? Was she a very good actor, a good enough actor to fool everyone here? Reagan didn't think it was very possible, and her first impression was that Aimi was not the one to joke around too much, but she could be wrong.
"You can say that again. Last time I checked, memory loss was caused by an injury to the head, or brain trauma. But what do you know? Maybe someone has found a way to conjure a memory loss out of nowhere. Maybe she knew something she shouldn't have," Reagan suggested with a shrug.

"Where did you say you found her Isaac?" Reed asked, turning to Isaac. This is the time, Isaac thought, where I tell them I found her unconscious in the water, swaying from one side to the other with the waves. Somehow Isaac didn't feel comfortable giving them the news, but he knew they would have to know at some point. Just imagine how Aimi would feel, and how more complicated it would get when he told them the story. It was Isaac and his father who knew, and somehow, he thought it'd be best if Isaac told them. His father never liked Aimi, ever since he saw her first, which was when Isaac was carrying her unconscious body through the kitchen, had his father disliked her. But he'll leave that tale for later, it wasn't too important.

"Well, this isn't going to be easy, but I found you in the ocean. You were drowning," he paused. Isaac just wanted to end it at that, and say that was it, but it wasn't. Truth is, the worst part hadn't even arrived until now.
"That isn't it though," Isaac sighed as he gazed at her eyes, so blue but green at the same time, he didn't want to say it, he really didn't want to, but he didn't have much choice.
"Someone tried to drown you, someone tried to kill you," he finished, eyeing her slowly, feeling so guilty for having to tell her. He couldn't imagine how hard it was for her to take this in, but she needed to know. Something he kept repeating to himself so as to not feeling too horrible. It wasn't his fault. Aimi stared at him, paling. She lowered her gaze, gulping loudly. She didn't know what to make of what he said, she was really really hoping he wasn't speaking the truth, where he'd just say 'kidding!' and it'd just be a very bad joke. But Isaac looked just as overwhelmed as she was, she didn't quite understand why, but she didn't make much of it.

"You're fucking joking, right?" Aimi repeated the words that had been spinning in her mind, obviously unable to comprehend everything so quickly. She felt so overwhelmed, why would someone want to kill her? What was so important about her that needed to be hidden, or did she know something she wasn't supposed to, like Reagan suggested? Why was she drowned?

"I don't think he is," Jian responded for him, and Isaac nodded at her. Aimi sighed. Why was she drowned? Why had she deserved that? Who was she really? And who was her attacker?

"That's not what you should be focusing on. If you saw that she was drowned, you must have seen the attacker," Reed guessed, and Keto nodded, he'd been thinking the same. Aimi thought that would work, since Isaac and his father must have used her appearance to track her ID, which meant that having the appearance of her attacker could arrange some information on him. Aimi's heart sank when Isaac shook his head though, clearly things were not trying to be easy for her.

"No, as soon as he noticed me, he vanished. Or at least, sensed I was there. He didn't even look up to know I was there, I couldn't see his face. I don't know, we're dealing with some sort of demon I think. Not quite sure, but he just vanished into thin air. Maybe a human possessed by a demon?" Isaac guessed, but somehow, it didn't sound right for what he thought he'd seen.

"It sounds a lot more powerful than that," Jian thought, clearly focusing as she stared at a certain small detail of her bracelet.

"Would it possibly be a..." the sentence that was started trailed off as Sloane looked at Reagan.

"Don't even mention them coach," Reagan paled as she knew what Sloane was thinking of. The others all looked at them sadly, all understand what was being said in the silence. That is, beside Aimi.

"A what?" Aimi impatiently asked, looking around. But no one answered for a moment, clearly not wanting to have to talk about it in front of Sloane or Reagan. Jian sighed, as though saying 'alright, I'll tell her then'.

"A mage. There are certain mages that are very powerful, and both Reagan and Sloane's parents were killed by one," Jian answered. Sloane and Reagan stared at the floor as the memories came back. Aimi's apologies were said through silence, she didn't know what it was like to have parents, she forgot, and the only example was Isaac's father, who she did not want to see very soon.

"Ok. So we cannot figure out who the attacker is, have you run a search on her ID?" Reed asked, turning to Isaac. Isaac nodded, and Reed was suddenly hopeful, but the glee left his face when Isaac actually answered.

"Yeah, she doesn't legally exist on earth, which means we'll have to check the other planets' databases," Isaac answered with a sigh.

"But that takes ages! At least a week for all eight planets. Isn't there another way?" Jian whimpered.

"You don't have to come. OK so how about Isaac, Jian, Sloane, Reagan and uhm.. you know, this would be so much easier if she had a name. You're Nemo, ok? So Isaac, Jian, Sloane, Reagan and Nemo will go to check out the crime scene. Keto and I will search the databases," Reed decided with a nod. Keto nodded, he wasn't one to complain.

"Nemo?" Sloane frowned, unable to understand why he chose that name. She didn't look like a Nemo to her, with the curly and frizzy long blonde hair, with the freckles and blue-ish green eyes, she looked more like a Chloe, or Zoey.

"I believe it means No one, or Nobody," Reagan explained, and everyone finally understood, besides Aimi.

"Wait, you think I'm no one?" she exclaimed, clearly trying to look insulted. "How dare you!"

Reed didn't have much time to answer, since Sloane and Reagan got bored of the argument and moved on, but he didn't want to answer anyway.

"Awesome Ray! We get to see the crime scene! I just realized," Sloane exclaimed with glee. Reagan nodded with a ecstatic smile.

"Yeah coach! And we'll be private investigators," Reagan continued with a giggle.

"Oh but we can be so much more! I am Sherlock Holmes, the private investigator. And you are..." Sloane trailed off, waiting for Reagan to finish her sentence like always.

"John Watson, the private investigator," Reagan finished, and they both fell into laughter, oblivious to the silence between everyone else.

"Aren't you two... a little female for private investigators?" Keto asked, clearly talking about the two legends they were claiming to be.

"Never too much to be Holmes and Watson, because their ready for action!" Sloane exclaimed with a wink, and Reagan winked. Keto smiled and blew a kiss their way, and they both faked a swoon.

"Ok, enough romance. We need to get going, the quicker the better," Reed got to the point. "Let's go, Keto!"

End of Chapter Two.

06-26-2010, 04:06 PM

Well, I've only read so far through what you wrote for chapter one, but I wanted to leave you a quick comment. I find your story really interesting so far! The first two paragraphs were my favorites, I love the way you described the situation in them. They're pretty well written, so keep up the good work! Two things I want to note: when a new person starts to speak, have another space between the two lines just like you do when you start new paragraphs. This is just a minor formatting thing for now, but when posting something online it reads much better to have the piece spaced out. Also, if a new person starts to speak, make a new paragraph. Two people having lines in one paragraph gets confusing. The second thing is that you might want to do a brief re-read and check some of your sentences. In a few places, you got a little comma happy and left a few run-ons. I do it a lot too, so I always go back to my sections after having a few days away and go through them carefully to double check the grammar and make sure I didn't go crazy with run-on sentences. Again, just something you'll want to check.

After doing a brief scan of chapter two, did one of your characters just say "Word"? That read so awkwardly. You might want to try a different phrase, unless this character is supposed to be a little weird.

All in all, nice job. Good luck, and I'll stop back again if you decide to post some more!

04:22 PM

Hahaha! Your last comment made me laugh. Well I'm not sure if weird was the way I wanted to go, but I guess a little. Sloane and Reagan are supposed to be these two girls that are so alike they could be twins, and they've got this very strange relationship. The fact that I put word was meant to kind of symbolize that and their uniqueness.. I'll see what others think of it. xD

EDIT: I remember reading something that you wrote summarizing some ideas that you came up with a team I think that's what you said, hope you know what I mean. I still remember it. Was wondering if I could read more XD

04:41 PM

Uniqueness might not be an issue since you gave them both masculine names. (I didn't even think they were girls until you said anything, and then I read back and noticed the pronoun "her.") The phrase just conjures up an image in my mind of a certain type of person: specifically a black or hispanic teenaged boy playing basketball in inner city New York. Can you tell I watch a lot of Law & Order? *giggle* I just wanted to note that if your characters are girls and/or white or asian, such a phrase doesn't really fit that image.

That sounds a bit predjudiced and wrong, doesn't it? I'm just having a hard time getting my words to say what I'm thinking, it's still to early for me. But I'd say the same thing if it was an american teenaged girl spouting off "kawaii desu ne!" every five minutes. *giggle* Just be careful what colloquial terms and phrases you use, is what I guess I should have said in the first place. Time to wake up and shut up before I confuse you any more! ;)

EDIT: Yes, that was me. I'm actually in the middle of taking a break while editing the first chapter... I'm such a procrastinator! *sigh* The first draft was what I posted before, and I've been working on redoing it to make it better, meaning I ended up rewriting half of it. I should be editing that thread and bumping it up sometime this weekend, so thank you for your interest! Any critiques/criticism is helpful.

04:45 PM

Wow, I must say. You did confuse me a little. I guess I wanted Reagan and Sloane to come off a little tomboy-ish, but those names are becoming girl names now anyway, I found both in the girl section soo.. ^^
Jian is the one who is Asian, and Keto is south African. As for the two girls, I'm not quite sure >.<
But I guess I'll take word out of there, it was a little silly, I'm high on sugar. Also, I need a suggestion. In the second chapter, Reagan uses coach as a nickname, which is something I stole from a book *cough* I couldn't come up with a unique nickname that they could call eachother, so I decided to put that down and replace it later. Have you got any suggestions?

EDIT: Great! I'll keep an eye on you then (; Or then pm me when you've edited it.
I'm going to be your first friend too >.<

06-26-2010, 04:55 PM

Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's early. And I have a bad habit of typing the way I think, so I jumble up a lot and confuse people. *blush* Sorry!

As for the nickname, "Coach" is not one that I've heard before, so I guess I haven't read the book you're thinking of. I did like it though, it fit well and made me think that Reagan looked up to Sloane as an older sister/mentor figure. If you want to change it, what kind of vibe were you going for? Do you want a similar nickname to "coach" or something more along the lines of "twin?" Hmmm... I'll think about it and see if I can come up with something.

I do like masculine sounding names for girls, though. I've got an RP character called Parker. I think these two are sounding like fun characters.

06-26-2010, 04:59 PM

Hahah no worries! I just want to know as well, what was sounding racist? Was it the fact that I said word, or the fact that I called her Asian? *gets worried*
And as for the nickname, I did quite like the name coach, and I guess Reagan is supposed to look up to Sloane, but the nicknames in the book were Coach and Chief. And yeah, either a kind of synonym for coach and chief, or something that represents the twin like way about them both. Or an inside joke, I just need to come up with it first :O

I need to go, but I'll read your story and reply to your story afterward. Maybe/Hopefully in an hour ^^

06-26-2010, 05:23 PM

Oh! For the racist thing, I meant me saying something about black or hispanic kids sounded wrong the way I worded it. Don't worry, your story sounds perfectly fine! And thanks, I'd better get back to not procrastinating so I'll catch up with you later. ;)

06-26-2010, 05:38 PM

Okay finally finished!
And to butt in on your conversation, I've actually heard Coach used before in real life, so I wouldn't worry about getting it from any certain book or anything.

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