My thoughts today - 4:00am

[COLOR=#cc8715][I]KN'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 89607.19[/I]

I know I've not been writing. I thought I'd write now, since it's the 31st, at the end of January. I don't have much to write about atm, as I am very tired. I have not slept yet, and it will be daylight soon. My DA is slow in progress. I am still working on those two dragons from time to time, but they are almost complete. My DC is coming together, I have finally achieved over 50 dragons for the bronze medal. To get silver, I have decided to attempt to collect every species of the more common dragons, preferably a male and female of each. My RL has been somewhat more active and busy. I try to get out a little more.

The other night I had a revelation, so to speak, about my depression. i have never written about my clinical depression here, but that is irrelevant. I doubt anyone reads my blogs. But for me, my depression is an endless pool of sadness. I know only a part of where this emotional pain comes from. Often, I drown in this overwhelming sadness without the slightest idea of why I feel this way. Other times I do know exactly why, and it's easier to deal with. And as for my revelation, I found another source of this sadness, a source I hadn't recognized. Perhaps I subconsciously refused to admit such a thing, but it is something I never thought would ever apply to me. [I]I am afraid of dying alone.[/I] I am afraid that I will be alone until I grow old and bat-shit crazy, the crazy cat-lady. I'm sure this is a common fear, but if you knew me personally, this is not something I would have feared in the past. Now that I realize this fear, I know the source. I had a lonely childhood. I have been in 40+ foster homes and placements over my lifetime. I aged out when I turned 18. My average stay in one home was 3 months. I can count the good homes on one hand. Out of forty. Suffice it to say, I adapted. I would make friends, but rarely close ones. And I never was allowed to keep in touch with anyone when I moved. Eventually, I stopped making friends. I became withdrawn and extremely anti-social. I grew to love the solitude. I was more than the average delinquent. I also had major psychological problems. I never went to a real high school because I was locked up for majority of those 4 years. In those four years, the solitude became an emptiness that echoed too loudly when I cried. I almost lost myself then. I was so ready to disappear into my dreams, that they became daydreams. I almost didn't snap out of it. I became institutionalized. But I had to. When I got released, I got my GED instead of a High School diploma.. Granted, I got my GED the same time I would have graduated with my year. Anyway, off topic. My childhood was crap. I am partially sociopathic, but I can experience emotions like happiness and sadness, as well as anger. But it is almost always in a detached way. I know there are many situations where logically I know I should feel a certain emotion, but I don't. So I look around at how the people around me are acting, and I mimic their behavior. It is a natural habit I have, it helps me blend in. In a way I cling to my depression, hold it close to my heart so that it may find me. That way I know if I can feel that, then I can feel. If there is sadness, happiness exists on the other side of that coin. I'm only wondering if it is safe to feel too happy, because I know it would be ripped away from me on a whim, leaving me in my turmoil with new wounds to lick.
I am still institutionalized in a way. It's been two years, but I still cannot function like the rest of the world.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. Goodnight (morning) for me.

[RIGHT]~KN [I]OUT[/I] =/\=[/RIGHT][/COLOR]