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I wanted to make a blog entry about how my exam today went, and this salesdude I pass on my way back from school everyday, who's just odd, but then I came home to some unsettling news and it ruined my perfectly perfect day...
(Don't you ever wish you had just [I]one[/I] day that was all good? It sometimes looks like I'll have that, but that's mostly on the days that end up really shitty later on, like today...)

Anyway...

When I came home from school, two hours earlier than normal due to my exam and was happy 'cause I didn't mess up, and thought nothing could ruin my day, mum tells me that my grandfather has cancer. In his stomach, and everything else in that area. He's lucky if he makes it to his 80th birthday in late August.

I cried a bit.

We're going to see him tomorrow. He's home and everything, up and about as well, but he's dying. My uncle is taking him to the hospital so they can check how spread it is, and see if there's anything they can do, but for now we just have to wait and spend time with him and such...

I was planning to go to the cinema tomorrow as well, but had to cancel... I just don't see how I could be out having fun...

I hate sad things...[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]

ehh, i dont like blogging much! lol but yea, im new! haha :roll:

Well it’s me again. It’s been about two and a half weeks since my first blog….and nothing has happened. However, I have been thinking a bit about different things lately…. So here is Chai’s little rant about her current life wants and goals and such….

As of now I am twenty-two years old, unemployed, college dropout, and unattached. Things suck, but unfortunately I still have very little motivation to change things.

I think my college life is pretty much over. I graduated high school in May 2004, now it’s May 2008…so that’s four years of my “college years”. I should have graduated by now, but instead I’m only lucky enough to have a handful of credits and a sophomore standing. It wasn’t all my fault…in fact probably about 90% of it was due to my social anxiety which led to being stressed all the time which in the end led to me being very sick and unable to attend class…. I guess it’s kind of a pity it took four years for me to actually be diagnosed and prescribed medication to help me get through “normal life”. Ah, but like I said, it’s over and done with…. Unfortunately I stand at a point in my life where I have no college or professional education, which could better my job class. Which moves me onto my current unemployment….

Right now I’m looking at getting paid just over minimum wage for a job. Even though I have prior work experience the kind of jobs offered to me just don’t pay well. After several years of working and being screwed over by the large, retail corporations I’m a little hesitant to dive back in. Honestly I’m a little burned and a bit afraid of how I might handle being back in that kind of environment. I’ve always been placed in the customer service category, and while I have a mild and sweet personality, I just don’t like interacting with people. And after a forty hour plus work week of such service I’m incredibly stressed, exhausted, and not wanting to go back to work. And sadly it doesn’t have to do with the kind of department I’m in or the people I work with…. For example the last place I worked was in the electronics department of Walmart. Now I love electronics and know quite a bit about them… so I really enjoyed being around that kind of merchandise. But when I had ten people hounding me to help them and my managers pressing me to make sells…. It was just a little over my head. For a normal person I’m sure it’s fine, but for someone who has a chronic case of social anxiety it’s surprising that I didn’t have a heart attack by the end of the first week. So basically what it all comes down to is that I want an office job away from screaming customers and the chang of the cash register. Sadly I have been looking all month for an office job and have not found one that I meet the requirements for. It’s depressing and frustrating.

Another thing on my mind is finding somewhere other than my parent’s house to live. Of course this kind of goes hand and hand with the low paying job as to what I can afford. I’ve also gotten really fed up with renting from people. I’m ready to be in a place when I can pretty much do what ever I want and not worry about what my landlord will say. Which brings up the idea of saving up to make payments on a house. Now this idea sounds perfect to me….small house to decorate and paint as I please, small yard to plant in, and a place that belongs to me. But if I do buy a house, that means staying in one place for about three years. That would make me 25, almost 26 before I would move out… well what the heck am I going to be doing when I’m 25/26? It really is a big decision. And also a scary one. I mean if I did buy a house, planned to stay here for three or four years, then is this where I’m going to settle down? Am I finally making an “adult” decision that will serve as the base of my future? Can I make a future here?

The future is a very, very, very scary thing to me. Most of my friends have a path they’re living down…. But me, I’m just kind of winging it because I don’t have a clue what I want to do. I know I’d like to have some sort of office job and also have a small home studio I can sell my art work from…. And to find someone to settle down with…have a kid or two… And travel. But all of those thing seem to get further and further away as I continue to live my life. I don’t have a degree, don’t have a stable and well paying job, I don’t have a way of meeting new people and finding someone to share my life with, and I don’t have enough money to even support a family, much less travel.

I guess all in all I just want to find someone to be with…and hopefully that will motivate me to get back on the right course. Now if I can only find someone who would be interested in someone like me… someone broken, and needs fixing before she can live a happy and fulfilled life.

[url]http://shinibana.blogspot.com/[/url]

just wanted to "advertise" a little bit.. ^^
mwhahah.

yep, it's in finnish, but you can see finnish pictures, right? :sarcasm:

This all was posted on my Myspace.

[quote] An Update
So tomorrow is Friday, officially four more days.
Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Practice Graduation and Graduation.
I am tired and oddly melachonly, partly I guess because of Graduation.
As my status says I am very contemplative right now. I am thinking about
a few things...that will be shared in a preferred list blog. I might just put
a bunch of people on that but right now only one person is actually on
that list.

I know I am going to miss everyone that is leaving and the sad thing
is that something a friend said is true, chances are a few of us will not
remain in touch. When Kao does read my entry, I hope you know I meant
all of it and I would have written more but I couldn't think about anything.
I do love you as a friend would love a friend. You are a great friend and
acquiantance.

Now I really do plan on trying my hardest to remain friends with all
the people I met this year but if it doesn't work out, at least I know
and they should know they have affected the outcome of the person
I become. I love who I am becoming...for the most part...and I will
probably love who I become even more!

I would post this on graduation but that wouldn't be too smart because
the things I am contemplating won't or shouldn't wait till then. Therefore
this blog would be way off! Hum. Well, I loved the Youtube Material
movie we made; it was super fun. The problem with signing yearbooks
though is that I don't have the "gift of one liners" nor the gift of writing
anything in a time that is assigned to me.

I love you all, gawh, I bet this sounds like I am going to die or something. xDD
Well, I don't plan on dying any time soon, though sometimes I probably
feel that embarrassed! Gawh, the room goes silent when I say stupid things...
Especially in Calculus for some odd reason. Well, I honestly can't think of
anything else for the open blog; onto my preferred list blog.

[/quote]

[quote]The Contemplation


So okay, my contemplations.

When I was friends with Jacky W. and even Kayla G., especially when
they were a lot nearer to my own physical body, I seemed to be a lot
more "gutsy". Well, I wish they both were here for me at the moment...
they would really help me figure out what I should do and then pretty much
I would do it without chickening out too badly.

Well, what is Envy to do; I am really stuck, here is the thing I still like him!
I meant to get over him months ago and it didn't happen and wth do
I do! A part of me screams "Tell him that you like him!" and the other part
screams "Don't, it will screw with any chance of a friendship!" well, which
part should I listen to. If I were to listen to the "Tell" one; how would I tell
the guy?

Yeah I do have his email but I feel like that is the Chicken shit thing to do
and I could lose respect from him because of it. Or I could tell him in person
but I swear I am way to scared about that... Whatever. Obviously, I will
have one or two people on my preferred list.[/quote]