I miss Mene.

[FONT="Century Gothic"][SIZE="2"][COLOR="hotpink"]Yesterday was Valentine's Day, the absolute worse day in the world. I can't believe people actually [I]like[/I] that holiday. It's not as bad as St. Patrick's Day, but it's running a close second.

Anyways, I hate VDay for one reason, and that's all the gooby icky nasty ways people want to act on that day. The single people all mope around, and the people in relationships all feel the need to showboat it around like a trophy. Now, I don't blame them because if I had a boyfriend or girlfriend, I'd be right up there with 'em, but why do they have to be so, so... [U]annoying[/U]? What's with all the frickin' touchy touchy feely feely? Can't they do that when they get home, or at least in the bathroom or something? I don't wanna see all that! Especially not when it's someone all... let's just say, [I]not so attractive[/I]. I'm not extremely shallow, only moderately shallow, but it still grosses me out. Ewww. I wish people would take my advice and get a fucking room. But since I know that they probably will not do that, I'll continue to cover my ears, shut my eyes, and move quickly across to the next hallway/street. I know alot of people are gonna disagree with me, but oh well. I'ma quote Eminem in this next sentence and say I just don't give a fuck ya'll can kiss my ass. As long as you do it in a bathroom or some other closed area, because I'm not a hypocrite. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[COLOR="Purple"] [FONT="Comic Sans MS"]So I first joined this site...almost two years ago? Yeah, that's about right. I stopped visiting the site for a while, and when I try to come back, I can't log on to my old account! :cry:
So I figure, I'd just make a new one- it's not like I was very active with my old one, anyways. So here I am, back in Menewsha! <3[/FONT]
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[COLOR=#cc8715][I]KN'S PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 89607.19[/I]

I know I've not been writing. I thought I'd write now, since it's the 31st, at the end of January. I don't have much to write about atm, as I am very tired. I have not slept yet, and it will be daylight soon. My DA is slow in progress. I am still working on those two dragons from time to time, but they are almost complete. My DC is coming together, I have finally achieved over 50 dragons for the bronze medal. To get silver, I have decided to attempt to collect every species of the more common dragons, preferably a male and female of each. My RL has been somewhat more active and busy. I try to get out a little more.

The other night I had a revelation, so to speak, about my depression. i have never written about my clinical depression here, but that is irrelevant. I doubt anyone reads my blogs. But for me, my depression is an endless pool of sadness. I know only a part of where this emotional pain comes from. Often, I drown in this overwhelming sadness without the slightest idea of why I feel this way. Other times I do know exactly why, and it's easier to deal with. And as for my revelation, I found another source of this sadness, a source I hadn't recognized. Perhaps I subconsciously refused to admit such a thing, but it is something I never thought would ever apply to me. [I]I am afraid of dying alone.[/I] I am afraid that I will be alone until I grow old and bat-shit crazy, the crazy cat-lady. I'm sure this is a common fear, but if you knew me personally, this is not something I would have feared in the past. Now that I realize this fear, I know the source. I had a lonely childhood. I have been in 40+ foster homes and placements over my lifetime. I aged out when I turned 18. My average stay in one home was 3 months. I can count the good homes on one hand. Out of forty. Suffice it to say, I adapted. I would make friends, but rarely close ones. And I never was allowed to keep in touch with anyone when I moved. Eventually, I stopped making friends. I became withdrawn and extremely anti-social. I grew to love the solitude. I was more than the average delinquent. I also had major psychological problems. I never went to a real high school because I was locked up for majority of those 4 years. In those four years, the solitude became an emptiness that echoed too loudly when I cried. I almost lost myself then. I was so ready to disappear into my dreams, that they became daydreams. I almost didn't snap out of it. I became institutionalized. But I had to. When I got released, I got my GED instead of a High School diploma.. Granted, I got my GED the same time I would have graduated with my year. Anyway, off topic. My childhood was crap. I am partially sociopathic, but I can experience emotions like happiness and sadness, as well as anger. But it is almost always in a detached way. I know there are many situations where logically I know I should feel a certain emotion, but I don't. So I look around at how the people around me are acting, and I mimic their behavior. It is a natural habit I have, it helps me blend in. In a way I cling to my depression, hold it close to my heart so that it may find me. That way I know if I can feel that, then I can feel. If there is sadness, happiness exists on the other side of that coin. I'm only wondering if it is safe to feel too happy, because I know it would be ripped away from me on a whim, leaving me in my turmoil with new wounds to lick.
I am still institutionalized in a way. It's been two years, but I still cannot function like the rest of the world.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. Goodnight (morning) for me.

[RIGHT]~KN [I]OUT[/I] =/\=[/RIGHT][/COLOR]

Busy days.

I won't be able to stay often here for now.