Ranting/Just need some time to think

There are times when I feel as though I’m at a crossroad. I have never had much of a life because I have always felt that I needed to help my parents and my grandparents. Even if that meant giving up on things that I wanted and putting off chasing after my dreams. Now that my grandparents are gone and it’s just my parents I still find it hard to pull away. Sure I still feel like I should help my parents, but I want to live my life. I want to feel like I’m doing something other than idly sitting around, doing what I have always done. Despite feeling this way and feeling as though I’m becoming trapped I don’t know where to start. It’s like I’m lost with no place to begin or direction to head in. Things need to change and I realize this because I’m starting to think of how much of my life I have wasted yet I have nothing to show for it. No place to call my own, no husband, no children and hardly any friends. It’s clear that I have managed to isolate myself further than what I had already been due to being an outcast and loner when I was younger. Where does one start to change their life, to build a life of their own that doesn’t revolve around the family they already have? I’m faced with these questions, but I have no answer to them. I find myself wanting to search for the answer to move ahead, but hesitant. Have I become so afraid of rejection, of disappointment, of letting others in that I can’t move forward? Right now I seem like the most pathetic person I know. Letting myself feel so alone, so trapped, only letting my emotions give way when no one else is around because I bottle things up inside. Letting myself get pushed and pulled in different directions with no compass to guide me. Really I guess all that is left is for me to ask myself where do I go from here? What do I want out of my life and how to find happiness when it seems so far away?