I was not feeling very well today. I felt stupid, ugly, and worthless.

Stupid because I'm supposed to be the smart one. But I always say stupid things. I'm trying not to, but it's hard. When I say stupid things, I am always corrected, and that makes me feel horribly dumb. Everyone thinks I'm an over achiever--I'm this amazingly smart person. They don't seem to think I can make a mistake, get something wrong. It's a big deal to them when I get just one problem on my work wrong. But I can make mistakes. It is human nature to be infallible. Im not perfect. I'm not any smarter than anyone else. I just do my work and make sure I do it well.

I feel worthless because, although *Chamorin* is my good friend, I keep thinking she is only inviting me to her Sweet 16 because she feels obliged to because I've talked to her about it. She has started the conversations about it, but I still have my doubts. And she said I don't have to get her a gift, like maybe if I get her a gift, she'll feel obliged to get me one when maybe she doesn't want to. But I don't care if she gets me one or not. I just dont' feel good.

And then Simatar was gone today and I need to explain things to her. We had been planning on going on a double date for months now, but yesterday, I posed an idea that I thought was a great idea at the time, and now i think it sucks. I told her I wanted to do the double date with *Chamorin* for my birthday and with Simatar a week or so later, because it would be me and *Chamorin's* first official date. We are both turning 16 within 5 days of each other, and I figured it would be a nice party, and I wouldn't have to invite people that I would otherwise feel obliged to invite. Besides, I already told my mom I wasn't going to have a party this year, and Simatar has never really been able to celebrate birthdays anyway, so I figured she wouldn't care if I pushed ours back a week so it wouldn't have to do with my birthday. And so then Simatar felt as if *Chamorin* was upstaging her and taking her place as my friend. When really, Simatar will always be my best friend...forever. And I want her to know that, because I dont want to cause her pain when she shouldn't have to go through the same pain I do. The pain of feeling unwated. I'm just so stressed right now. I feel as though none of my friends are really my friends. They just tolerate me out of pity, or becasue they are nice people who don't want to hurt my feelings.

Kay, so I had this dream once, and it helped me with a story idea. It was about how we were famliy friends with this Polynesian family. (That's the way they looked in the dream. It didn't say that in the dream, but I woke up and was like, that guy was Polynesian or Pacific Islander or something.) Anyway, there was this one guy in the dream who I was attracted to, but I didn't know him that much. And somewhere in the dream, his family told me to call him Silly, because he didn't like to give people his name and all that. and I tried to get him to tlak and all that and brought him food and everything. Well, then it switched to his thoughts and he was like "she is really trying hard to get me to talk." So he asked me to go on a walk wiht him and I was all excited and all but the walk never happened and I was all disappointed and then they left. And I found they left some of their crap, so I thought they'd come back, but they didn't. Then I got a note from "Silly" (whoI eventually changed his name to Sully, wow, never thought I'd have that one.) and it said to meet him at my bench at midnight and so I did and we finally went on the walk and I didnt say anything until we were away from the house and I was like "You jerk." and then he asked me to run away with him.

Anyway. After I had that dream, some new peolpe moved into my church and they had these three adopted kids who were from Gwam and for some reason, I feel a strange attraction to their older son.

And that is my story. I hope you like it. It is all true.

Death. That's all I see these days. If not death, then fighting, hatred, war, depression, tears. The world is overshadowed by a constant rain storm. The atmosphere a consistent dismal. Dark and dreary.

Why can't we stop this?

Death is the ultimate murderer.

A couple years ago, I fell deeply in like with this boy. And seriously, it was love at first sight...for me. I saw him at orientation and couldn't stop thinking about him. The school year was coming to an end, and another boy asked me out. I liked this boy, but not as much as the other. I, foolishly, said yes. We went out for 3 days and then I dumped him because I was too much in like with the other. School ended and I went right home and emailed the boy. I didn't know what to do, so as an "icebreaker" I sent him a list of facts about me, slipping in there one about I'd liked him since before school started. He responded with a list of his own, commenting on each of mine. He told me he liked me too. And he'd been wanting to ask me out. Also that he wished to see me again. I was excited, ecstatic. I was talking to friends, carelessly hinting that I had a 'secret.' Eventually, I told them my 'secret,' only to tell them I had lied a couple days later because I decided I didn't want them to know. But I still told my best friend. She asked him why he hadnt asked me out yet and he got mad. I sent him a message, quoting a song, "Check Yes or No." He said I was going to fast. It broke my heart. Each day, I think about this, and it breaks my heart again, because, as much as I want to hate him and blame him, I know he is right, and it was mostly my fault. Since then, I've become an angry person. Also, I have seen him once since then.

I have moved on to other guys. But I have also had my heart broken by other guys. This time, I cannot blame them at all. Because they didnt know. I have not told any of them. Here is another blog I have written:

How many times must a heart break before it ones dies of the pain?

2

Your heart is an extremely strong organ. Day after day it stands aainst enormous amounts of pain that repeatedly pull redhot tears from your eyes. Soon, you can cry no more and it just burns dry. Your heart never fully recovers from the pain, but just as the pain dulls enough to allow you to function normally around the general population, the next b*****d comes along and rips what's left of your heart to pieces.

Now the second time might not even know how he hurts you. He might be completley oblivious to everythin; how you feel about him; how each look, each word tears chunks out of your already aching heart. It probably isn't even his fault, you don't really have any reason to be mad at him. But when you go to a dance, and he dances with every girl in your group but you, you begin to think maybe. . .just maybe. . .you're not pretty, skinny, or dumb enough. You don't smile or laugh just right. You shouldn't have worn flip flops because your feet are ugly; a sweater because it makes you look fatter. Then you finally get to dance with him because a girl you barely know (yet she's still so friendly, it seems like you've known her forever) talked to some guy into dancing with you. You've already danced with this guy, so he gets the unbeknownst heartbreaker to dance with you. This happens to be the second time you've ever danced with him. Both times, someone else asks him to dance with you, but you are secretly holding him to a not-so-promised promise. He had asked you to dance before, but you never got around to it, so he doesn't know that you still think he owes you a dance from teh sixth grade.

You dance and talk. He wonders why you don't like dancing. This, however, is not true. Oh, you love dancing. how you love to dance slow dances, to feel that close, personal, connectedness of it. To talk to him. But you want the guy to want to ask you to dance, not to do it out of pity or becasue someone told him to. You tell him so. But this is not all you want to tell him. You want to scream "Am I not pretty enough or skinny enough for you to want to dance with me?!?!?!? Do I scare you? Do you think of me as those weird ugly girls that latch on to you, even when you clearly don't want them around? Am I not getting some signal here?" You want to tell him how much you hurt, thinking he'll understand, afterall, he understood the necessity for someone to want to ask someone to dance. But you can't, and he wont. The song ends. You part ways, hiding your pain behind a forced smile (one which you already know looks like a grimace anyway.) Your heart aches all through the evening for someone you can't have, until the dance finally ends. You sit, staring out teh window at the black blanket of night, a fitting description for how you feel inside, stifled by the pain. Then, you find yourself at home, in your room. At last, you can let go of the dam in you and let the burning waterfalls flow freely down your face, soft sobs erupting from your chapped lips. You cry yourself to sleep, wondering if anyone crys themselves to sleep over you.

You may not die of the pain, but it hurts so bad, you wish you had died, rather than face the torment of the torrential downpour in heart. As such, you wont die of the pain, but twice is enough to know you never want to experience that again.

"Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to been so hard?"

[End Blog]

Is it so hard to ask a girl to dance? He asked all the other girls in our group to dance, and he sat out several dances. Why not me?

Then another guy: He flirts with all the annoying girls. I may be annoying, I guess, but why them? They have boyfriends. He doesn't ask me to dance either. I danced with his little brother. His lil bro seemed nice enough, but i dont want his lil bro, I want him.

I guess I'm going to just give up on all those guys. There is one more guy...

The skater. Long hair, baggy pants, nice smile. He seems to like me well enough. I bet he'd ask me to dance. I really hope nothing happens to make him break my heart, too. And Sim, if you read this, this is the guy I want to take to the moveis for my 16th birhtday. Find a date, please.