My current mood in story format

[RIGHT][U]My current Mood[/U]~

>.> Upon further investigation it would appear I still can't get that items name right, oh well . . . -flips threw morning paper- I don't know why I bother looking at this I never read it just look at the pictures. If a picture looks interesting I may skim it over but after the first 5 sentences I'm usally done with it. Makes me feel dumb since most articals are written on a 5th grade reading level. I learned that in journalism. The most annoying writing class you'll ever meet. So many rules and procedures to follow when writing an article. Following military rules was never my strong point, when coloring I tryed so hard to stay in between the lines, but with out failure I failed in doing so. My hand Just couldn't stay steady and keep with in those thick lines that created the picture it's self. It's quite sad now that I think about it ._. failure follows me around. It's a bad habbit for me amoung many.

Right now as I right this I know I sound so stupid and that I'm being judged right now. I may be paranoid but I don't know anymore. I want to know yet I don't want to. I don't even really know who I am or what I want anymore. Last night I got so stressed over someone else's problem that it became my problem. I layed down to sleep but couldn't. I was so depressed that I was to drained to even move my body. I wanted death to come to me last night, but I had another dissapointment as it did not come at all. It makes me wonder about what my uncle said, he said those who want to die don't die and those who are care-free and live happy usally die. It makes me say life is so unfair, but we already knew that. Sometimes I want to die but I can't be happy enough for it to happen.

I can make the statement that if I die I will be happy but I know sane or not sane that, that is infact a lie i'd be telling myself, simply put a form of my Bravado. . .I've grown fond of that word, not really sure why, mabey because its a word that vastly describes my being but i'm not sure ._. I think it is. I have these dreams of were my life is perfect and i'm happy with a career f my dreams. But I know that right now with how I am I don't think im going to be succsessful at college, or a career, or anything. Is it possible for me, a 17 year old to have already hit rock bottom?

It frustrates me cause I've become so diffrent from how i was in 5th grade. Back then I was much happier but once I started 6th grade I just. . .changed. I became more and more unlike myself to were how I am now is "myself" I've picked up and droped and started bad habbits again again. I've been cutting alot more but i'm not really sure why I do it. I don't get a high from it I just do it when I'm real upset or angry at others or myself. I've also re-indulged myself in the habbit of taking excessive amounts of pain pills. Instead of the recommended 1 or 2 pill dosage I ingest 5-6 pills. Again only when Im angry or upset.

Im not really sure what I'm going to do with myself ._. I don't really feel I have anyone to talk to about this, not anyone who wouldn't judge me anyway. While judging people is normal I still care to much what people say about me even if I dont like them. Im a very messed up person ._. My first year of highschool was awful I never got along with anyone, I always got teased, and a bunch of other stuf that still bother me. Even now years from then I still have dreams about what happened there and it bugs me ._. I was really messed up and I still am. I even tricked myself into beliveing the lie that I was put on this earth for other peoples pleasure be it hurtful to me or not. I was so stupid the people that made my life hell, if they were miserable u'd think I'd be happy but no I felt sad for them. And then when they did something that botherd me, sure I was sad but I somehow made this stupid smile cause I was happy they were happy even at my own expense ._.

I really need help, but psychologists aren't the answer I've had them before and they only make things worse. . .I'm currently taking psychology in hope that I can learn more about myslef, but so far I've just started the same process again like I always do ._. school starts out fine but them I screw up some how and get behind, And with what I have done so far in the class hasn't helped me at all yet ._. . . .[/RIGHT]