I have been feeling really down lately. Down about everything. I talked to one of my good friends about it. In fact, I'd say she is one of my best friends. I have two best friends. L and R. L is the one I talked to about my feelings. I'll try and write down everything I talked to her about.
a. Friends
b. My Book
c. Myself
d. Guys
There is this one person, S, who I have known since she was born. She used to be one of my best friends, but she has changed alot, and now I don't even want to be near her ever. I don't want to be her friend. It makes me feel like a horrible person, because if she knew, it would hurt her feelings. And my mom and her mom are best friends. But this girl is just...Grr. She went out with a senior when she was a freshman, and was always making out with him. And she was so in love with him. And then he dumped her, and she was heartbroken, and it turns out he was just using her because he wanted to get in her pants. She was deliberately going against what her parents wanted, and she was lying to them and everything for a boy who didn't even love her. And when ever she doesn't get her way, she whines about it. And if I say anything that she doesn't agree with, she makes me feel all guilty. When I was in like, 3rd grade, or something, she got me in trouble because I wouldn't play with her at recess, because I was trying to split my time with all my friends. And I have never exactly wanted to hang out with her. Also, when I was in 3rd grade-ish, I distinctly remember lying on my mom's bed and crying because I felt like a horrible person just for not wanting to go to the other girl's house. And I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm not sure if it's better to tell her the truth or to just keep on trying to politely avoid her. R dumped her as a friend a long time ago, and I just couldn't because I didn't want to hurt her.
I can't seem to get started on my book. I have most of it planned out. I wanted to keep on planning, but finally, I told myself to stop f-ing around and just write the damn thing. I'm just procrastinating, and if I don't get writing, I'll never get it done. So I sit there, and I just look at the paper. I clsoe my eyes, imagining how I want to start. I see the scene through my character's eyes. I ask myself "What does he see?" "What does he smell?" "What does he hear?" So I concentrate on those things. I put my pencil to my paper. But I still can't write it! Even with knowing where and how I want to start, I don't know what to write. It's so frustrating.
I recognize that I am a seriously flawed person. I have been finding myself so annoying lately. I complain about alot of things. And then, I try to show off. I like attention. And then, after I show off, it turns out that I'm wrong, and I just sound stupid. It really makes me feel stupid. And I know I'm not stupid. I'm the salutetorian of my class (or, I have been since 4th grade, but there's still two more years). But, when I show off my intelligence (without meaning to), I always come off as stupid, because I'm wrong alot of the time. Like yesterday, we were asked when the next rehearsal was. I thought I'd get brownie points for knowing, so I say Monday, for the Heroes, Stanley, Viola, and Narrator. 7-9:30. But it's not. It's Thursday. The following Monday happens to be the one that I have to be to. But my director didn't catch that I was wrong. And now I feel even worse. Or, I'd try to say something funny, but no one would understand it. I have so many thigns going on in my head, that certain things are funny to me, and then I say them, and they aren't. They'd be so complicated in my head, so I wouldn't explain them right. Or, I'd have conversations in my head, and then I'd say something that's supposed to be funny, and because they didn't hear the rest of the conversation, it wouldn't be. And so, lately, I've been really down, thinking that everyone thought me a stupid, show-off, know-it-all that complains too much. And, I try not to say anything. I try to not give anyone reason to think me an idiot, but then I get caught up in a conversation, and just have to say something, and I don't even mean to.
So, in the past, I have not had the best of luck in relationships. Really, I haven't had any relationships. At least, not the type I wanted. I want a boyfriend. I want a guy to hold my hand, kiss my cheek, hold me in his arms. I have gotten over the past heartbreaks I've had...only to be broken again. There was this guy, H, who I really liked. But, then, I had to sit and listen to him talk about how much he liked another girl. H told the girl he liked her, and she rejected him, just as I, mistakenly, told him she would. I shouldn't have been so negative. I knew she'd reject him (or, at least hoped). I strongly thought she'd reject him, though because she's such a mean person to almost everyone. But, I had been cold and heartless. H told me not to worry. It doesn't matter. He'll get over her in two weeks. But, I still shouldn't have done that. And now, I'm probably even further down his list of people he likes. I don't even know why I like him. In 7th grade, he made me cry, even though I'm just an emotional jerk who cries over everything. I try not to show my emotion, but sometimes, I can't. And, I remember in middle school thinking him to be a cry baby, too. But now, I just like him and don't know why.
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Goddess of Passion and Rage, The Late Great Daughter of Mother Earth
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