I was not feeling very well today. I felt stupid, ugly, and worthless.
Stupid because I'm supposed to be the smart one. But I always say stupid things. I'm trying not to, but it's hard. When I say stupid things, I am always corrected, and that makes me feel horribly dumb. Everyone thinks I'm an over achiever--I'm this amazingly smart person. They don't seem to think I can make a mistake, get something wrong. It's a big deal to them when I get just one problem on my work wrong. But I can make mistakes. It is human nature to be infallible. Im not perfect. I'm not any smarter than anyone else. I just do my work and make sure I do it well.
I feel worthless because, although *Chamorin* is my good friend, I keep thinking she is only inviting me to her Sweet 16 because she feels obliged to because I've talked to her about it. She has started the conversations about it, but I still have my doubts. And she said I don't have to get her a gift, like maybe if I get her a gift, she'll feel obliged to get me one when maybe she doesn't want to. But I don't care if she gets me one or not. I just dont' feel good.
And then Simatar was gone today and I need to explain things to her. We had been planning on going on a double date for months now, but yesterday, I posed an idea that I thought was a great idea at the time, and now i think it sucks. I told her I wanted to do the double date with *Chamorin* for my birthday and with Simatar a week or so later, because it would be me and *Chamorin's* first official date. We are both turning 16 within 5 days of each other, and I figured it would be a nice party, and I wouldn't have to invite people that I would otherwise feel obliged to invite. Besides, I already told my mom I wasn't going to have a party this year, and Simatar has never really been able to celebrate birthdays anyway, so I figured she wouldn't care if I pushed ours back a week so it wouldn't have to do with my birthday. And so then Simatar felt as if *Chamorin* was upstaging her and taking her place as my friend. When really, Simatar will always be my best friend...forever. And I want her to know that, because I dont want to cause her pain when she shouldn't have to go through the same pain I do. The pain of feeling unwated. I'm just so stressed right now. I feel as though none of my friends are really my friends. They just tolerate me out of pity, or becasue they are nice people who don't want to hurt my feelings.
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