Where to draw the line.

[LEFT][COLOR=DeepSkyBlue][SIZE=2]The obvious path in life is not always the easiest path to take; though the path less taken holds rewards greater than the other, familiarity brings a comfort in the life of the selfish. Its ironic isn't it? How easy it is to follow a particular route in search of your own happiness because it has worked so well for others. But life isn't meant to be easy; it is the decisions of a single entity that make all the differences in the course of living that bring us the challenges that help us grow, and it is because of these decisions that we grow selfish. The advantages of the decisions of another is that they can be used by anyone. But what does all this mean?

Over the past week or so, I have been reading an almost autobiographical memoir of a man who's whole world had been a constant struggle with trust and love; this world slowly disappeared as his life was healed in his new partner, the first person he had allowed himself to trust in a very long time. And then, as if to put things into perspective, showed how cruel life can be when they had to split up to achieve their own happiness. That's what life is all about. Trying to find that happiness no matter what the cost may be, or how selfish you have to be to pay those costs when they present themselves. In the case of this particular story, the happiness of the couple was shattered as they went their separate ways to pursue their own careers. The man who's life the story focuses around gave up the love of his life to give them a chance at succeeding in what they wanted to do even at the cost of his own heartache broke me down. Could I be so selfish as to let someone go so that they could be happy? Could I let myself go?

I have always known that I am a selfish person by nature, not really acknowledging the fact that I've taken a road in my life that stretches the boundaries of that fork in the road that determines what is right and what is wrong. I refuse to fully accept things myself, and as far as my close friendships go, I cannot allow myself to get close to others like I want to out of fear of judgment from the people I love. I can never accept who I am because I'm not comfortable with what I may or may not be and I fear too much for the happiness of those in whom I form relationships with to bring that crashing down just because I allow myself to accept something about myself. I've been so lost and so confused for so long, and I still don't know what to do. My life is a constant struggle to determine where I draw the lines of truth, and where to twist fact with fiction to appease the world.

Admitting to the truth would be suicide, and that kills me.

Everyday I face a challenge. Everyday I fight to hide. Everyday I seek refuge in creating a persona to hide behind. And everyday, I wonder if it's the right thing to have done with my life. I've had up this front for so long that I don't know who I am anymore, and I've grown selfish, or rather, more selfish than that of a regular person because I hide to make the lives of the people around me better.

What's wrong with me.

I don't think anyone really ever knows the amount of hurt that I put myself through to avoid living.

Is it selfish to want to finally be happy, or is to be happy abandoning everything and starting over for me? I just don't know. Every story comes to a point where the line must be drawn. In my story, there is no line; I will always be as selfish as I am now. The happiness of the people in my life means more to me than my own. I couldn't hurt them to change that.
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