I had a long disturbing journey since the beginning of 2012 up until now.

I just want to say that I'm having trouble trusting men. Once you deal with the narcissistic predation, the lies and cheating, the manipulation and humiliation... you'll never want to try to love or trust again.

The pain was so bad that I can barely feel any sexual/romantic attraction toward men. Granted I'm bisexual (leaning toward women), but I still felt an attraction to men. Now I don't feel much of anything for them.

Its not as if I don't try to feel... there is a guy in my life who is a "fur brother" and "fox kin" to me. Before that he was a brother, father, teacher... and I feel a little bit for him, but the past reminds me that I have to be careful. It tells me not give up so much of my heart that end up where I was last time. I don't want to get tangled up with another guy just to get hurt again. So I keep my distance.

I know that is selfish, but I don't want to be in that hell filled with negative thoughts, heart pain and self-harm. It took me so long to crawl out of it... I don't want to fell back in again.

It's not shallow or conceited to want to turn your dark dank prison into a beautiful modern day palace...

I mean, what were you doing before she announced she didn't like her face? Or he wanted to stop losing hair?

Did you even notice that distant look on their faces sometimes? How dark and listless they've become?

Did you stop and notice how others treat them before you went to tell them off--or matter-of-factly tell them all those feelgood bullshit statements.

I asked my sister if she thought I was shallow.

She said yes.

I laughed on the inside--nervously. I am shallow--toward myself. I want to be pretty, but I've come to pretend to accept myself. I pretend to love myself so people won't tear me down about how I really feel and the difficulties I have.

She doesn't understand the depths of loneliness, disregard and other stuff I feel. Sometimes it gets so bad that I end up crying and locking myself away in my room.

It's like a princess in a tower, except I'm a monster locked away in a tower. For the good of everyone else.

It's impolite to have emotion, to have desires and needs, to talk about one's problems...

Please do me a favor... if someone's talking about getting plastic surgery, don't judge them. Don't sneer or tell them they won't be happy. Don't call them shallow.

This goes 20x if you were one of those oblivious to cries for help.

Yes it's true there's bigger fish to fry and this is all so selfish, but it's therapy in a way.

Let them just have that fantasy.

Let them dream.

It doesn't affect you anyway.

[COLOR="Gray"][CENTER]Well from now on, I am officially invisible to my parents for at least a few weeks or a month. When i tried to talk to them, they didn't listen/said anything. But I got used to it. Not the first time they pretend I am invisible anyway. I still remember the first time they did that is when I am like 8 ish. It's very frustrating and depressing to know that you parents don't want to talk to you so they pretend they didn't hear what you said and ingored you. When I told my parents that, they will just ground me for no reason. So from the past experience, I got used to being ingored and when that did happen, I usually stay quiet and ingor them too. After the fight they had, they still never recover from it. And I am the one that got stuck in the middle. I just wish that they could at least think about my feelings before they yell out something. I am still in the house and can hear everything that's going on. Why is it soo hard for my parents to at least think about me for second before they do anything. Is it too much for a girl to ask for their parents to show that they care for me more???[/CENTER][/COLOR]

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