I still dunno if we're doing a nursery theme or not. I want a rocking chair in the nursery, but I'm not sure finances will allow it. A crib seems more important, since we have rocking recliners in the living room. >>,

I want Friday to be here, like, now. ;___;

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I want this:

Koala Baby Robe and Booties Set - Frog - Koala Baby - Babies "R" Us

Crib = definitely more important. You know, you could probably find a rocking chair for fairly cheap at a garage sale.
And I'm excited about Friday as well. :D
AH! I love these!!!
http://slimages.macys.com/is/image/M...0.5,0&fmt=jpeg

Too cute!

And yep, that's a good idea to check out. :3

Sorry for disappearing. Had to close up for work and fax a stupid test. *hates faxing*

I fell into bed, sorry. ;_;

almost at ten thousand.. kinda!
/sweat

:drool: hello my precious!

Chiiiiiiiii! :3

Cute look, Windy!

Thank you! ^________^

It took me forever to find an outfit to match an Easter EI. x3

Well, you did an awesome job of not going with the usual colors. I like. :)

Hey all! :3

*runs in and tackles chi*
Hai~!!!
xD;
I'm feelin' good todayyy. Too bad this month will be a hell of a ton of work... dammit.
> ___ >;;

It sounds it. When will you get to take the SATs and get your parents to cut you some slack? ;_;

Chi! Chi! You there still?

Got home tonight. So happy to be home. I hate being away from the house for long periods. I miss my house and my kitty. </3

I'm sorta kinda here. :XD I dunno for how long though since I have work in the morning. <3

How'd the visit go?

May... first? I think.
> ___ <
I dun wannaaa.

And if I still don't work, but get somewhat same grades, I think they might stop hounding me.
xD''
ogod, look at the time!! *hustles off to sleep*

Sleep well, Hata. I'm gonna cross fingers that everything will go wonderfully when you test again!

It was OK...I haven't been feeling 100% lately though, and I'm slightly disappointed. This is the last time I'll see them before my birthday, and while they acknowledged I'll be 27 this year that's about the extent of it. Aaron says I expect people to 'wow me'. I told him in all actuality a cheap $1.50 cake mix would of made me feel special, you know? I remembered my brother's birthday, and although I mailed out his card late...I bought the card 3 months in advanced as it had him written all over it and sent him a gift card. (I had been busy with school and rl crap...they all live on a farm where life goes at an excruciatingly slow pace...)

It is upsetting when simple acknowledgments tend to go by the wayside. Some people don't care as much about their birthdays when they grow older, and some people do. I think it should be more about doing what makes the person happy/feel special. Taking one day out of the year to do a little something extra isn't a big deal. Baking a $1.50 cake, like you say, can mean a lot.

It's not the same as birthdays, but I've lately been feeling a little "..." over a lack of family support as far as my education has been concerned. Have your parents been supportive of you going back?

Not really. Not at all. They're like 'oh cool', but they've not said to me "I'm proud of you" or told me how much I've grown up or anything. They've never been real supportive of me, ever. I've tried to talk to my dad about it (since he's easier to approach) and he seems to think that both of them bent over backwards for me trying to get me to do stuff. I don't remember it ever going down like that. I was passionate about band, and while they did finance my Clarinet and I was active in band until mid 10th grade my parents were really negative about it. My mother said she felt like my fricken' taxi when she had to drive me to practices or competitions. Sometimes my dad was so busy he would send a taxi and bill it to his account...well more often than not. It would of made me feel better if HE actually drove me there than to pay someone else to do it, but I guess at least it got done. I finally felt enough of a burden to my parents that I dropped out of band and I even stopped taking the bus and walked the 2 miles home on a daily basis...even in shitty weather. I'd try to bum rides off of friends, especially junior/senior year, but it got to the point where even they were getting sick of doing it. (Hence the whole feeling like excess baggage...)

I worry that I'd give off the same vibes to my kids. I want to be one of those parents that are passionate about their kid's school grades, their extracurricular activities, and make them feel like a damn.

Speaking of which, I'm all bent out of shape because my parents think I'm too prude that they hide that they STILL to this day smoke pot...yet they'll sit and do it with my brother. I tried to explain to Aaron it was yet another thing they did that distanced themselves from me. It's called being dishonest. I told Aaron if he did it, I'd be pissed. It's the same with porn. I told Aaron from the start if he looks at it, I don't give a damn UNLESS he didn't own up to it. Nothing would infuriate me more than for him to lie and me to accidentally stumble across it. It's funny cause he STILL to this day hides his tracks. :P

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Oh and I haven't even touched basis on how my mom tried to force me to go to a community college to do an associates first before going on to anything else. She said her reasoning was because I'd use college as an excuse to party. I told Aaron I've been sadly disappointed as I've never gone to one college party...unless you count the "English Exchange" party with all the international students. There wasn't any alcohol or drugs though.

I wanted to major in Japanese, and I wanted to go to a college where I could of done it...my parents wouldn't let me go out of state...wouldn't help me with dorm expenses. I had friends who had parents paying to fly their kids across country to check out other colleges. My dad was making GOOD money, and my mom was working as a computer programmer. We were well off. There really wasn't anything stopping them if they CARED.

I don't even get an "Oh, cool!" I mentioned going for my Master's and Mom seemed judgmental. Like I was surpassing her. Growing up I was just expected to get good grades. Even now I get pissy when the 98% I got in French III wasn't enough.

I do love that my grandmother pointed out my mother did not, in fact, have a 4.0 in college as she claims, but I don't know what's truth or not. I just know I feel like I'm doing great things, and my adviser and supporting faculty have been far more active in my academic life than my own family. They've given me so much encouragement over the years that I couldn't even begin to write all my appreciations. Seriously.

I just wish that it would come from family.

Like you say, I do worry I'm going to end up recreating my mother's mistakes with my child. I hope to hell I don't. I want to be the supportive parent who goes out of their way to be at every game and support them through whatever interests them, even if I have no passion for it myself. If the kid wants to spend all day studying insect innards, I'm fine with that so long as it inspires them!

Blah. I've gone and depressed myself.

*waves off our families* :XD

Yah me too. :XP I've just broke down and had a wobbler in front of Aaron. He says he blames it's three days before my period and I always act a bit strange during that time. I told him even more the reason to come home. I don't really like being around people when I'm PMSing as I tend to not think very rationally. Especially about emotions.

Aaron said "Jeez you typed a lot" and I just summarized it by saying we covered it on the way home in the car. How I feel there's this huge gap between us. You know now that I think of it I didn't really get a cool out of them just they saw I brought my books and I did my math homework late last night. My mom didn't really say a whole lot. Just when I said this must be the 4th time taking algebra and how I should be the one teaching the class she laughed. My dad asked me how I was doing in class, I told him. I think he said 'good', but that was the closest to caring. Aaron was like "Do you want them to hold your hand at 27?" and I'm like no but it would mean the world to me to hear them say they were proud of me. I feel like the black sheep of the family and to hear that from them would feel good.

I've tried to disconnect myself from all these deep routed emotions, but nights like tonight I'll sometimes regurgitate and wallow in self pity while I reminisce about the past. I'm not TOTALLY over it, but at the same time the times I sit and think about it have become much less. I'm no longer trying to blame any one person for my unhappiness, but understand it's a chain of events and things that pile up and have made me feel weighed down. I've been trying to tackle the big things and move my way down. I've come out and told my dad how I felt, but as Aaron says he isn't good at emotions and he will defend everything he's done.

I will have to back up and say that I'm really only feeling unsupported with regard to my education. I didn't have to deal with family acting as though they had to "make time" for me. At least, not that I remember. (And if I don't remember, then I can't be bothered by it, now can I?) It's only the academic thing that burns me, because it's one of the focal points of my life right now.

Ack, I gotta cut this short. I need to get to bed. I have work tomorrow morning. :hug:

It sounds like you've done a lot of cognitive rearranging, too. I like that you said you know it's a chain of events. But I also know that doesn't necessarily make it pain-free. Understanding and accepting is one thing, but no one can just turn off emotions.

Except me. I R STONEWALL ROBOT.

Okay, bed. Really. See you tomorrow I hope! <3

Ok night Chi! Hope you sleep well!

Yah I think if anything Psychology has really helped me understand myself, my life, and my parents a bit more. It didn't come from the counselor or psychiatrist either. I tried really hard to be seen professionally while I was in the UK and to be honest the times I did see someone really didn't make me any better. Of course I wasn't able to understand where the hell the psychotherapist was coming from when she tried to connect all my pain back to my pyloric stenosis as an infant. I couldn't buy it. Of course she found my attachment to material possessions back to my childhood. I think maybe some psychotherapy could be helpful, but I think CBT would of done me a world of good too. (Unfortunately their 'waiting list' was way backed up...)

Anyways, I'm hoping one day I can try to influence others to work out their pain too. It's a hard, life-long process trying to deal with depression and just what makes you you. I know some people don't get to that conclusion, or they find other ways to deal with the pain...

I think it takes a lot of objectivity to look at and analyze your own behavior, and most people find it easier to use the "pin the blame" cop-out instead. One of my great-aunts, for example, uses her degree as a crutch. She never used to, but something happened later on in life and she just... changed. I don't know if she has a PhD or not, but she's definitely a licensed therapist. Or was? I don't know if she retired. I think she did.

But she broke my grandmother's heart at one point by writing out all the reasons why the family was screwed up, blaming their parents, etc. It was a mess. I kept the e-mail, actually. My grandmother pretty much begged me to explain it to her. It wasn't difficult to, either. My aunt was very angry and wanting to find reasons behind her own troubles. It just sucks she had to hurt her sisters in the process.

Anyway, I'm trying to get to the point that people sometimes blame because it's easier. When I started some classes that talked about genetic predispositions, and then the nature versus nurture, on top of all the "typically children from Situation A develop Personality B" stuff, I decided I'd rather not pin blame.

I figure that while I may have been given a few unpleasant hands growing up, I am not alone in that. Everyone has had shit happen to them. Why should I bother blaming who I am on my upbringing? Will it make me happier? Will it make it better? No.

And besides, doesn't that sort of give a person an excuse to stop working on themselves? "Oh, woe as me, I cannot change anything because I did not cause this..."

Blah blah blah.