Yeah it is, tell me about it...I checked my email later, and nothing. I got several emails saying 'you got a top score' and another kudos call I don't even remember...I guess they got behind. It's showing I'm slowly getting the knack of things.

I'm up for the moment...probably not for much longer. (Crap, I got caught up in everything that I never did check Animal Crossing for the day...heh, ok no biggie.) Last night was 'meh'. With everything going on it's very difficult for me to 'let go'.

I sat and thought about the whole difficulty this 'ex factor' (bad pun, yes) is. With Pam here (and with a kid, period, whether you're dealing with an ex) you feel this extra pressure to not to fail -- making sure all their needs are met. Then you add an ex-husband/ex-wife in the picture you feel even more pressured as you're trying to keep one up on them and making sure that there isn't something they can try to use towards your disadvantage. For example, I've already had this talk with Pam and she agrees -- there's to be no talk of any physical ailments with her mom. She puts such a high priority on that type of shit that she would read into it and think that her daughter's life might be in danger and try to get CPS involved. I may be over thinking it, but one she has openly admitted she has a vendetta against Aaron (and me as I'm seen as a threat), and she honestly thinks she's doing 'what's best' for her children in her head. Now also factoring in my whole job insecurity, if I were to lose it...it's going to be hard to adjust and move on, but then I have this added fear that if say we did struggle to make ends meet and lost our place she's going to swoop in and try to get Pam back any way she knows how, regardless if it would do her more harm by yanking her from us.

This is all shit I'm going to bring up to the counselor, and I've talked with my neighbor and the counselor has children and she is really passionate about children and making sure they have what they need to be healthy/happy...I'm also going to see if I can get Pam in to talk with same counselor, too, as the neighbor has said that if the counselor feels it is necessary she will write a recommendation on what she feels is right for the mental well being of said kid. Pam has told us yes she misses her friends, but all in all she honestly prefers to be with us over her mother. She says the school she's slowly adjusting too since her friends are not there but in talking with her she's slowly trying to branch out and make friends and in time I think it won't bother her as much. Not only that, but she has gone from really struggling in school to having all As and Bs, thanks to a few different factors. Talking with Tristan, he's getting bullied at school even more and he's also failing two of his classes. We would like to allow the kids to still maintain contact with their mother, as long as she isn't detrimental to their health....

Our next concern will definitely be Tristan. She's switched from 2nds to 3rds to be there more for him but it ends up being at most an hour or two of time and her boyfriend (who hates children, doesn't get along with either of them) spends the majority of his time out of school with him. Tristan has been doing poorly educationally speaking for some time, but now he's left alone with that 'boyfriend' of hers and missing her sister...Meantime, his mother is filling his head with a load of bullshit that 'daddy doesn't love him as much as Pam' and other false realities.

I talked with Aaron's mom quite a bit today, in fact she rode up with me to pick up the kids (while Aaron took a nap), and she's just as concerned for Tristan's wellbeing and thinks (just like I do) that even though his mother loves him and that kid is 'her baby' she is detrimental to his development. Since he has that Poland's syndrome, from day one she has coddled him and been very overprotective of him and Aaron's mom is like she told Pam as just a little girl that 'she had to take care of him'. I'm afraid he's going to hit 18 and find himself struggling to find his own identity, and be a successful and happy individual. I know he's going to be a project and a half to get him back on track to succeeding in school...I think in the right hands, though, he could do it...

Anyways, with the prospect of losing both kids possible, that ex will most likely spiral into a deep depression. She really struggled when Pam left, she will struggle even harder with both kids. She's justified her existence through those children, and I think secretly that's all she really set out for in life and thought that by getting pregnant by someone she would have everything she wanted in life. The relationship between her and Aaron just never was meant to be, and I think she's tried to do what she thought was best for those kids but I think we have enough witnesses to attest that she really isn't and quite frankly had no business having children to begin with.