And with the parenting thing it sucks...honestly. There are days where I wish that Aaron wasn't so close with them and so adamant to be there every step of the way. There's times where honestly I ask myself why I'm still sticking around. I care about him, though, and he's been rather patient with me and my depression and lack of energy to do much else than work. He's gotten kinda mean with me today, but he apologized. After one public incident he has tried to make sure he doesn't get to that point...

And he doesn't pressure me to have sex, which is important to me. I know I PMed you and told you the back story on that but honestly he never really pushed for it hard, just I knew that it was something bothering him and caved. I know it's important that he has that or he starts to feel distant, and I can feel it.

*sighs* I'm not really sure what I'm wanting out of life. Right now it just feels like we're skating by and for now it would be nice not to have to constantly worry about what is going to go wrong next...to have a little cushion in case the car breaks down that we aren't royally screwed...I can't really see any further beyond that.

Take the sessions as a time to process and figure out what it is you want. It'll come in time. It's difficult to think about everything else when it's literally financial instability causing so much stress and anxiety. Finances are unlikely to truly change until the kids are both 18 or you guys get different jobs soon. You're both extremely hard workers, and it's not your faults that few are given a livable wage. :/

Blegh... I need to get back to studying. Don't wanna.

You're right...And that's still another 7 years out at the earliest. I'm kind of hoping Pam lives with us and goes to college for the 3 or so years afterwards until T hits 18 and graduates from high school. One, because I know she could hack it and I think she is motivated to do so and I'm also hoping that the ex doesn't try to come after us for child support if Pam decides to move out before he is considered an adult. I think the law would still cover us and even so the ex wouldn't come after us if one kid was still living with us...That and I really cannot see T going to college...He's struggling just to get through normal school.

---------- Post added 10-05-2013 at 09:54 PM ----------

I'm hoping Aaron can work his way up in this company to something better paid. For me, I honestly feel like I've topped out what I can make. I know the fruit company is known for paying a little more, plus benefits...but as far as work at home jobs and me without a degree/experience it's going to be tough. :/

I haven't had my coffee yet. Anything I wrote in reply seemed snarky and it wasn't. :( I'll try something coherent later.

Basically, stop waiting for something to change and change it. Maybe your Tuesday session you can tell her what you'd like to do. Have you made a list? I don't know her style. Some therapists are collaborative, some are more directive. I try to ask people what they want and how I can help them get there.

e.g. Anxiety management, depression management, grief, raising self-esteem, yaddayadda.

If you can get out of your own way and stop telling yourself "no" or "I can't" before you try, I honestly feel you'll get such a boost. I've been there. I HATE when people say that to me--forgive me--but I think you know I have anyway which is why I can say it. Both with depression and anxiety, and with living paycheck to paycheck with finances. We did that for seven and a half years. We don't have to do that anymore. Yes, we're now piled with debt, but at the end of the day we can pay the debt off. Even half a year ago we'd have no way to pay it off.

If you haven't, what do you think about making a list of both short term and long term goals you'd like to work on with the therapist? It can be anything. Hopefully she'll ask you which you want to start on first out of the list.

I'm not quite certain what will be covered in the first session. I wasn't able to schedule it past 5:30, though, as I was told the first session usually takes an hour at least. My neighbor was nice enough and grabbed the paperwork, which was pretty standard as far as information from what I remember. (I filled out a couple of them. Once when my mom tried to take me to counseling when I was a teenager, which only lasted the one time. Another couple of times while trying to get help in England...let me tell you the waiting lists are extremely long for this type of stuff.) It was amazing how many of the checkboxes I could tick on the sheet. (Anxiety, depression, money issues, lethargy, appetite decrease, etc, etc. I'm hoping that it will help her realize I'm struggling so that I'm not turned away like I have been the past few times because I wasn't 'screwed up enough' and England put me on a waiting list that ironically I had an appointment after I flew back to the states (as well as a prospect house they were going to give me too...I was living in a women's shelter for about 6 weeks and they made me go through the motions for applying for a house through the council.).

Anyways, I'm just getting up and around...trying to get my carnation instant breakfast down and then a cup of coffee. I had a weird dream last night that I somehow knew someone in the band for Smashing Pumpkins, and they were playing at the local high school. Well they got me snuck in and right behind the band on the top of the bleachers, but I wasn't happy with the view plus for some reason I couldn't hear them as well as their backs were turned to me....So I tried to sneak down to the 'mosh pit' area but there was women wandering around asking to check for ticket stubs and she escorted me out of the gym. I sat by the doors and listened to them go through their most popular songs and as the night wore on people were leaving and I was able to sneak back in. Ironically, another ticket lady approached me for my ticket while in there but she then kind of insinuated/asked me if i had lost my ticket. I nodded and she pulled out a pile of tickets and tore me off one and walked away. By then the band was pretty much playing really obscure/unheard of crap and the crowd was very, very small. I had woke up as they started to play a weird buzzing/humming song (like with a digareedo or something...) and found it was actually the fan in the window had been pushed up to the frame and making the noise. I got up and fixed it then went to bed.

I almost thought though for a moment it was my subconscious trying to get through to me about being happy with my lot.

The dream after that all I remember is it was really hot and humid and I was looking for dry wick socks. Got to the register and found I picked up a pair too small so I had to go back. Er I couldn't really make a whole lot of that. There was a little more to it but I can't honestly really remember.

I want to be able to do dream analysis. I love dreams and think they're very significant.

Most US therapy sessions have a 60-90 minute intake session first, where she'll collect general information about you. Family history, vocational stuff, physical ailments... stuff like that. If there's time she'll probably go into diagnosis stuff or (hopefully) ask you what you want out of therapy in terms of goals. I've had some clients know what they want to work on, and others have a moment of "...I hadn't thought about that o.o" when it's time to set up the treatment plan. That's where the short term and long term goals are typically discussed.

Depends on the therapist and their style though. I'm hopeful all goes well Tuesday. (:

I gotta get ready and get going today. We have a family member who breeds guinea pigs, and today's the day. I doubt that these will live as long as mine did, but man I loved that animal. XDD

Edit: Ironically, Chi, I have been on the other end of the fence and watched someone who is very much struggling with depression and anxiety do the same things I have and I have tried to be positive and talk rationally with them and not seem to get anywhere. I know it can feel frustrating as it feels like there is just a disconnect...a lack of higher reasoning/understanding and they're just kind of stuck in that perspective. I am able to pull myself out of my own shoes and view it from other angles...that being said I still feel like the issues I face are quite difficult and it really is a struggle for me to change course in this ship I'm sailing. I don't think I'm strong enough to pull myself out of my phobia of driving. Every time I feel like I might have the strength, something else gets in the way. For instance just not having the money to even get my permit for the longest time. Now that money issues are slowly turning around it's the time of year. Soon it will be snowing and I definitely don't want to be driving/testing in bad weather. :/

---------- Post added 10-06-2013 at 09:52 AM ----------

Ohhh how exciting!! I bet Terra is just beside herself happy as he big wish is coming true today. :3 Hope you're going to let her pick out the guinea pig (within reason -- don't let her pick a sick one cause she's sad for it and wants to nurse it back to health...duh.) and help think up a name for it. I'm curious what she'd pick. She seems to have quite the personality. :3

If you keep telling yourself "no", you're going to be forever stuck in "no", too. "No" comes with depression and hopelessness. "No" is less scary than "yes", because when everything is said and done, at least "no" is predictable and comfortable. :(

One of the reasons I feel you will get out of this is because you do have the insight needed. You know your behavior as you're doing it, and that's a solid chunk of the battle--seriously.

Hmm... I haven't told Terra yet. XDDD /bad mom

I'm going to have a game and see if she puts two and two together. We're going to get the cage, shavings, food and all that before we meet my cousin. He has two females already to go, that are quite young and have been handled by the family. So I'm hoping! I'll take a pic and show you tonight.

She wanted to name a cat "Miko", so I'm curious too. :)

Okay, going now!!

Nice avi :D
We have similar tastes ;)

Awww!! I can't wait to hear the reaction she has and if she's able to put the two together. You will have to post some pictures on Facebook and let us know what happens. Thinking of how happy she will be must definitely be exciting for you. I know how much fun it is to do surprises for our kids and how just the reaction on their face makes it all worth it. I just wish I had opportunities to do some of the stuff you're getting to do with her now.

I just got off for my lunch break. I got off a real positive call with my supervisor. I really truly appreciate her being my manager as she knows what I'm going through and is willing to help me get through this as long as I adjust my attitude to be more positive and 'can do'. It's tough -- like I said the job IS demanding and requires you to be really skilled in customer support and just basic psychological practices to elevate their mood. The crazy thing is you have to really be able to put these practices into place automatically without thought to be successful as the other part you're having to frantically reach out for help/get answers for some really convoluted issues. Trust me...I've heard some interesting ones in the past two months of doing this job. It never ceases to amaze me...

That and the fruit company...doesn't give me dedicated hours of work, and I'm quite attached knowing I am only scheduled 9-5....even if it is also working on Sunday. I can deal with that.

Ahhh I'm looking forward to Tuesday too. It will be something that I'm really going to benefit from, I think. A lot of times I just need some positive encouragement and to help me stop my path of negative thinking. It is very difficult, but it isn't impossible.

Thanks Roxxxy! :D

Izumi, I need to get photos tomorrow night. Terra was almost too excited... we had to have her back off a bit as they were frazzled from the car ride home. xD They're only seven weeks and completely adorable. I spent a good half hour or more cuddling them after Terra went to bed to get them more settled. I think it helped some.

Glad to hear you had a positive supervision call. That's awesome. :)

Awww you got both of them? I can't wait to see pictures!!

Yeah today was fairly positive. Last call lasted nearly two hours and I was an hour past my EOS on top of having to cook dinner straight after work as Aaron was still sleeping. Pam and I double teamed though and it came out really good. We made stirfry with rice noodles and fried up some potstickers. It was devine.

Just got out of the shower and I'm trying to get settled in for the evening. Been trying to help another fellow Menewshan try to work through their depression/anxiety. I really hope what I'm saying is helping...but like I said I truly understand the struggle from both sides. Suffering from it, loosing someone really near and dear to my heart to suicide, then trying to help others overcome it. It's a really debilitating 'disease' but...you know what? You really are your own worst enemy, or your greatest hope. It's just coming to that self realization...and I guess that's what you said is the hardest part of getting better.

Ah well I still have Tuesday to look forward to. I know there's a lot more I need to work on, and just like a recovering alcoholic I'm still apt to relapse into negative thinking. It almost comes...naturally.

Hi Chi!

It's been a long time, but I've recently come back to Mene and started posting again, so I thought I would say hello! How is everything going? Your little girl was only a baby when I was last here, how is parenthood?

<3

Hi Springy!! Long time to no see! How are things going?

Parenthood is a challenge--an awesome challenge. We're all finally graduated too, which helps tons!

Congrats on graduating! My memory fails me; what were you studying?

I have had a rough few years since I disappeared from Mene. I graduated last Summer with a BSc in Psychology and then went on to do an MSc in Psychological Research Methods this year, but had major hiccups. I had depression for a good 3 years of uni which came to a head earlier this year. I'l' spare the details but it resulted in hospitalisation.

But I'm off medication which was a personal goal and I'm doing well now. I realised I missed all the conversations with so many lovely people on here and after years of feeling isolated I just needed that contact again, you know?

I am currently job hunting for some psychology related position with the future hope of becoming a counsellor or therapist for children and adolescents. Maybe later down the line I'll include adults but adults intimidate me, despite the fact that I'm 23 now. >.<

Anywho, I've waffled! That's been my life since about 2010. :p

Well, I can hopefully help you with some of the technical questions; I just got my Masters in counseling. I have one exam this Friday which will let me be a Certified Rehabilitation Counselor. I have another exam coming up which will let me do what I want to do--Clinical Professional Counseling.

So glad to see you back! I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough patch. :(

My first job I had with my bachelors in psych was case management for adults with physical and intellectual disabilities. All of my clients were a blast to work with! xD Maybe you can get a job working with kiddos?

Forgive me, as my memory is shoddy... but you had been in the US for some time, right? I feel it was you who said you roadtripped past Maine at some point. Did you go back to the UK? Where are you now? :)

Good luck with the exams. ^^ I know you've been working hard for a long time.

I would love to work with kids! I love children. For now, though, I'm having to find some bog standard retail job to get some income because I'm receiving job seeker's benefits, but my eyes are on bigger and better things.

It was indeed me who passed through Maine. I was on my way to Canada with a friend, but it's only been for vacation purposes. I've been back and forth most Summer's and Christmases. :p I'm back at home home now. No more uni flats, which I miss ridiculously. I need my independence back.

I remember you too, Spring!! Glad to see you back!! :3

I'm kind of doing the same thing...customer support. Not quite sure what I'm doing past the present day. I'm kinda been working at a day to day kind of existence, until I get some of my stuff sorted out. Hopefully when I can start looking week to week I can gear up to getting a month to month plan, and expand.

I'm just surprised you've finished up your education and still struggling to find work? :/ In an area that sounds like it should be in high demand. Or maybe I'm reading it wrong? (I've been kinda popping in and out through trying to work, and maybe misinterpreted your post there, sorry...^_^;;)

Thanks, Izumi. ^.^ I remember you also. I just don't remember who I used to talk to. ^^;

I was in a day-to-day mindset for a long time. Depression did that for me. I've caught snippets of what you've been talking about with Chi and can see that that maybe the same case for you? If it is, I'm always willing to talk if you need someone who's been in the same position.

The annoying thing is that I'm highly able to do typical retail work. I've got so much experience in some of the most well known shops in the UK, but I'm still struggling. And then with the more psychology related jobs a lot of the things I want to do require a lot of experience or more qualifications. But to get the experience I need the degrees so it's a catch-22 situation and it sucks.

Yeah, I've been dealing with my own personal demons over the past few months. Between Aaron between jobs, no health insurance, being really financially strapped, and now my stepdaughter moved in with us over the summer...oh wait did I mention I've been having job security issues and am currently on an "improvement plan" that could lead to me being let go permanently? Yep...I think I've hit everything.

The crazy thing is nothing has really changed that much, other than my perspective. After having a near meltdown within the past month I'm still heading on course like I was previous. I have an appointment tomorrow to start counseling...and I'm just trying to get day by day, thankful when the weekend hits.

I hear you about feeling overwhelmed about going back to school. I don't actually have any sort of college degrees and really don't have the faintest what I would like to do as customer support really wasn't my lifelong aspiration...really. It's a paycheck, though, and it's helping us get by.

I'm here to talk to too if you need it. I'm trying to be more positive, but it's a transition, you know?

Peer support helps. Use it when you can. Online peer support counts!

I think online support has been one of the best things to come from the internet. It's getting people together that would of never met, may of never been able to come out of their shell and talk...

Heck I met my hubby through the internet. :3

Speaking of which, I just gave him a hug before he left for work. I really wanted to tell him to call in as he sounded pretty worn down, tired, and like his tooth is bothering him again. I'm thinking I may try to call the low income clinic on my lunch and find out when their walk in days for dental are. I know they open up first thing in the morning around 6am, it's first come first serve....He may be able to take advantage of that. I'm starting to worry that he's not going to make it another couple of months to have it covered under insurance. I'm thinking he's got a nerve in there bothering him and they may need to do a root canal...or an extraction. I know a friend of mine's husband had a couple teeth extracted at $50 a tooth at that clinic, so I know it's affordable. I just don't know if I can really push Aaron to actually go through with it. He's got a phobia of the dentist and I know even with insurance you have to shop around before you can find one who offers gas. Then I think with his stubbornness he will try to hold out until he can't stand it again. I don't know if Cole's like that, Chi...I'm glad he's so determined, but on the other end when I know it's been bothering him for days and seeing him in pain it really makes me wish he'd push harder to get it taken care of.

Oh and then before Pam goes to bed she's showing dad a text from someone saying that one of her friend's back home is suicidal. I think I told you her friend lost his mom? It's the same kid, and she's in tears as she's worried she is going to lose her friend. I tried to console her that her being there isn't going to be the deciding factor in the way he feels...and encouraged her to try to call his grandma's tomorrow afternoon to talk with him. Other than that, and empathizing with her I'm sort of at a loss what to do.

---------- Post added 10-07-2013 at 10:22 PM ----------

On top of that I'm also concerned Aaron is really stretching himself on Friday. He's got to drive his mom into town to go to the social security office right after working an 8 hour shift, and then come home maybe long enough to get a couple hours nap and then drive Pam up to meet her mom for the weekend. I encouraged him to stand up and tell both person he needs them to work around his schedule. Once again he's afraid to ask the ex for anything, and his mom already said she'd 'find another way' if he didn't help her.

I told him tonight I wanted to call both of them and tell them what he's doing and either his mom needs to go later on in the afternoon, once he's gotten some rest or to call his ex and push out him dropping off Pam so he can get his sleep in there. If they're not willing to be flexible, I honestly told him I would be more firm and not afraid to say he can't do it. :/

If he's suicidal, call crisis. Seriously. Call the grandmother, let her know what the text said (tell Pam too). If the grandmother doesn't think it's serious, then call crisis. It could save a life. He's likely in the raw throes of grief and everything feels insurmountable right now. It may not always be that way... :/

I'm exhausted and a bunch of crap is going on. I need to sleep. I had a lot of blood drawn today and got near vomiting/passing out combo. I never really came back around, so I need rest. Granted, all I did when I got home from work was "do do do". xD /shot

Hope you feel better, Chi! Get some rest.

I did tell Aaron about what you recommended, and Pam. She texted the friend who told her this but she said last time it took 2 weeks for him to get back. I then said call his grandma's house, and she's like I don't have his number but mom does. I told her you may want to call your mom to get the number. She's like I don't want to call her. I told Pam that the worst thing to do is say nothing, at the same time I don't really know the kid and I don't know if it's my place to speak up. I'm tempted to call the High School he goes to to inform them (and they probably already know about the mother's death) and say hey my kid heard through a close friend of him who said he's suicidal and I'm concerned. If they would take me seriously, I would do it. Otherwise, I think going to the grandma and saying something...even though it is something so near and dear to my heart I don't know if she would take me seriously. *sighs*

Perhaps I could call the ex and say hey look this is what Pam said and have her get involved...I'm tempted to do so but I don't want Pam to get all pissed off for sticking my head into it and making things worse.

I say all this because my brother did the same thing when we were still in school together. I told dad, who had a 'talk' with him and thought everything was OK with him...and yeah you know how the story ends. *sighs* That being said, ever since I did that Joe never really did want to open up and talk to me about anything like that again.'

Anyways, I'll keep the convo on what happened tonight at the meeting for another time. Wasn't anything groundbreaking, but I'm sure you would of expected that.

If she can get a hold of her friend to actually talk to him, that would probably be best. Kind of like, "I'm really worried about you and if you're suicidal, maybe you should tell someone." Likely he'd resist, but she could have an opportunity to say that she feels she needs to tell his grandmother or simply tell crisis.

A local twenty year old committed suicide a couple weeks ago. His ex-fiancee had been apparently "begging" his parents to help, but they didn't feel he had a problem. He had been my deceased nephew's best friend and I guess had been saying for a long time how he was just tired and wanted to go be with my nephew.

Sometimes life is just heart wrenching and, frankly, unfair.