Menewsha Avatar Community - Your Thoughts on....Polyamory.

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- - Your Thoughts on....Polyamory. (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=136601)

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Originally Posted by Cherish (Post 1765282361)

I find it strange how many people readily accept that you can love more than one person in your lifetime (like if your partner dies, you will be encouraged to move on and find someone else, even if you still love your dead partner), yet they fail to accept that you can love more than one living person at once. You're still loving two people, the only difference is time.

Agreed. :yes:

Ever since I was little I could never understand the directed at the polyamorous. It seemed messed up. :/ I think if you are the type of person who can have strong feelings for multiple people and you meet someone comfortable with that it's great, and there shouldn't be an issue with you being able to be with them.

Sadly though I've only ever met one person who's open about it. People were not so nice to them about it. >:/ Kinda shows there's something wrong with the way things work in the world.

Telling you family could be hard, understandably. Like Cherish said, it depends on the family.

I'll admit it took me a little while to adjust to the thought of my friend being poly, but once I got used to it... it's rather nice, really.

And my husband is the same way, if I had a girlfriend, he'd be fine with it. Another guy, on the other hand, might be iffy.

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Originally Posted by Cherish (Post 1765282361)

Very good point, this.

I think the negativity toward polyamory, polygamy, open relationships and the like are based on ignorance. When the media tells us anything about polygamy, for example, it's usually shown as something really crazy and sexist. They show it like a harem. I can imagine how it would be difficult "coming out" to your friends and family as a poly, when it is quite likely this is all they know about it.
As with all matters of discrimination, people just need to be better educated. I wish schools would teach more about different sexualities and lifestyles.. hopefully in the future..

I don't see what it has to do with bisexuality, though.

I'm polyamorous myself. I keep it from a lot of people, because I realize how difficult it is for those who can only fathom loving one person at a time to understand that it is exactly the same love they feel, only with more people involved. I would not, however, keep it from lovers. That seems unfair and dishonest and apt to cause unfortunate situations in the future.

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Originally Posted by Cherish (Post 1765282361)

Oh, you hit the nail on the head! Isn't ignorance the bane of exsistence sometimes?

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Originally Posted by ljosberinn (Post 1765286018)

Very good point, this.

I think the negativity toward polyamory, polygamy, open relationships and the like are based on ignorance. When the media tells us anything about polygamy, for example, it's usually shown as something really crazy and sexist. They show it like a harem. I can imagine how it would be difficult "coming out" to your friends and family as a poly, when it is quite likely this is all they know about it.
As with all matters of discrimination, people just need to be better educated. I wish schools would teach more about different sexualities and lifestyles.. hopefully in the future..

I don't see what it has to do with bisexuality, though.

About the bisexuality, maybe because a lot (not all, no one shoot) of poly's are bisexual? Just hazarding a guess.

In Ohio, there are plans to begin teaching about homosexuality, but in an almost ridiculously politically correct style. A sort of simplified/watered down "it's ok she has to mommy's" or "it's ok he has two daddies" in our elementary schools. Most kids that young don't care. I think 5th or 6th would be a better time to really start. But eh, that's a whole other soap box to climb on.

Kiwi, maybe a lot of poly people are bi (the only poly people I know - not many, mind - are straight), but I felt like the OP was saying some people were poly because they are bisexual, and I don't see the reason in putting a connection there.

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Alot of polyamorous people are that way because of their lifestyle, or they are bisexual and are capable of loving both partners equally.

I think it is good to teach them about this at an early stage, rather than let them get dubious information first, which is then to be corrected at a later stage, when they have already gotten used to the wrong ideas. Y'know?
I wish people just didn't make such a big fuss about people's sexuality. I wish kids could grow up in an environment where heterosexuality isn't the "default" and where "coming out" wasn't such a big deal. Everyone is different and I sound like an optimistic fool, I know, but I wish people could just come to terms with that. :/

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Originally Posted by ljosberinn (Post 1765286290)

Kiwi, maybe a lot of poly people are bi (the only poly people I know - not many, mind - are straight), but I felt like the OP was saying some people were poly because they are bisexual, and I don't see the reason in putting a connection there.

Ah, I get you. ^_^ That's a very good point, actaully.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ljosberinn (Post 1765286290)

I think it is good to teach them about this at an early stage, rather than let them get dubious information first, which is then to be corrected at a later stage, when they have already gotten used to the wrong ideas. Y'know?
I wish people just didn't make such a big fuss about people's sexuality. I wish kids could grow up in an environment where heterosexuality isn't the "default" and where "coming out" wasn't such a big deal. Everyone is different and I sound like an optimistic fool, I know, but I wish people could just come to terms with that. :/

I agree, but the way most paretns I know reacted, I see bad things coming from this. I've already heard parents say they would be "setting their kids strait", after school and when they're that young, well, I really feel bad for the kids. At least the middle school kids will be more likely to rebel by their own choice instead of the parent's choice. But you make a good point, none-the-less. My kids will be tought to be very open-minded and accepting.

Man. I hate parents. :| No offense to anyone who is a parent or anything, just.. parents like that. They make me want to bitch slap humanity.
This is a very good blog post I'm reminded of, about banning books with homosexuality in them aimed at children.

At least people like you are, I feel, becoming more common than the kind who impose their close-minded views on their offspring, so I'm hoping things will gradually become better. It's just taking too long. :P

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Originally Posted by ljosberinn (Post 1765286499)

Man. I hate parents. :| No offense to anyone who is a parent or anything, just.. parents like that. They make me want to bitch slap humanity.
This is a very good blog post I'm reminded of, about banning books with homosexuality in them aimed at children.

At least people like you are, I feel, becoming more common than the kind who impose their close-minded views on their offspring, so I'm hoping things will gradually become better. It's just taking too long. :P

Thank you. My mother always raised me to be open-minded, and to ask questions, even though she herself is very Christian now-a-days. She still can't seem to wrap her head around polyamoury, though. O.o

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Originally Posted by KiwiRose (Post 1765286526)

I think most people just don't want to have to share unless they are the one that is being shared.. mayhaps.

I think it's just problematic for all involved. People get jealous easily, what if they would want to bring in more partners? Some people may feel like they're left out. For me, I think it's just a mess. But If some people want to do this, and are happy about it. It's their choice.

I wouldn't have more than one partner, I'd prefer to be with just one man, and that's it.

It all depends on the people

In my experience, most people cannot maintain good relationships with more than one person. I myself felt like it worked out fine for me personally, but it seemed like one person wanted more of me than anyone else. That person then made trouble all around because he/she wanted to be the center of my affection. It was exhausting, but enjoyable for a while.
Now that I am old and tired, it is much easier to love my hubby and enjoy spending time with my kids. I still miss having someone else around, but it isn't worth the hassle. I would really like to find a gf that would clean my house during the day. I wouldn't even ask her to work. LOL!
My opinion is that while you are young and there are no children involved, polyamory is exciting and offers opportunities that would not otherwise arise. I don't think this has to be a moral issue. People can happily date whomever they chose as long as they put forth the effort required to maintain interpersonal relations. I will say that promiscuity does not have to be a part of the lifestyle. Having intimate relations with many people at the same time without having functional relationships is not healthy for anyone emotionally or physically.

Polyamory is difficult for all involved. It involves a lot of hard work to maintain everyone's comfort level. Not that there's anything wrong with it. I consider myself polyamorous. I think parents should let their kids know that it's a natural tendency people have, and there wouldn't be so much confusion about.

Thank you for agreeing that straight people can be polyamorous as well. I've had some people give me incredulous looks and saying that poly relationships won't work if both males are straight and the girl is the only one being bisexual, nevermind the fact that both males are best friends.

Below are the "guidelines" a friend of mine and her partners came up with/refined for their relationships. And names or nicknames removed to protect her privacy.

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For the purposes of our polyamorous relationship, we define primary as a committed, long-term, serious romantic partner.
We define secondary as a new or more casual relationship partner who has not yet proven the trustworthiness, commitment, or willingness/ability to cope with all that is involved in polyamory and our poly network; alternatively, this is a partner who has not been in the relationship for 6+ months yet (and thus not stood the test of time yet).
We define tertiary as fuckbuddy or friends with benefits.
We define seniority as the relationship that has been around longer.

Primaries have veto over secondaries, tertiaries, and potential new relationships. Secondaries have veto over tertiaries for sexual health reasons only. Partners with seniority should (though do not have to, pending discussion and agreement) take moderate priority over relationships of less seniority.

If anyone in the poly relationship wants to have sexual/romantic relations with someone else, they need to tell the existing partners about this potential lover as early as possible, preferably as soon as interest develops.

Existing partners must then be informed of each step beyond the first, specifically: the first date; when the potential lover becomes an official partner (tertiary or secondary); first instance of sexual intercourse; and if/when the new lover is broken up with.

At any point in the course of the romantic process, existing partners may request to meet and interview the potential partner. Preferably, existing partners should meet and interview the potential lover before sexual relations have occurred and/or before the relationship has evolved beyond tertiary status.

The potential lover must be informed of and state agreement to the existing situation and pre-existing partners. Preferably, the potential lover should read this document; it's the responsibility of the potential lover to convince the existing partners that xe intends to respect the pre-existing relationships and will not try to get xir lover to be monogamous with xir. If the existing partners are not convinced, it's their right to veto the potential lover.

New lovers must be disease-free, or at the very least must inform all involved partners of any possible disease, at which point existing partners may choose to either veto the potential lover or allow the potential lover (with restrictions).

Anyone in the polyamorous relationship has the right to request physical, official records of a potential partner's sexual health, should they have any suspicion that the potential lover may not be completely forthcoming about sexual health. Potential lovers must be medically checked before engaging in intercourse (though the degree of this examination is negotiable: the least stringent form is donating blood to get a free blood test; the most stringent is a full, complete sexual examination by a certified professional, with records provided to all within the poly relationship afterwards).

If a primary partner wishes to move a secondary to primary status, there must be an "S.O. meeting" (meeting of all existing primaries involved) discussing this change of status. The potential primary may be brought in for another interview at this point. If any existing primary has issue with such a change, they can veto the change (with explanation), and the potential primary will remain a secondary for purposes of veto (xe is a secondary in the sense of "not yet in a committed relationship"; the commitment/trustworthiness/etc must also be agreed upon by the existing primaries).

Primary partners do not have veto over other primary partners; they should have had plenty of chances for veto before the other primary reached primary status. If a primary has or develops a problem with another primary, they can meet the other primary in person with the partner(s) that they have in common, and discuss their issues. Other people involved in the relationship web may be asked for advice or mediation.

All of an individual's immediate primary SO's (within three degrees of the potential lover) must be able to at least get along with the individual's potential lover. The potential lover must be able to at least be able to have a cordial relationship with everyone within three degrees of xir (meaning xir lover and xir lover's serious relationships).

The terms of this agreement are subject to revision, pending agreement of all primaries.

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Originally Posted by Leenalia (Post 1765277970)

Nah, bisexuals are not greedy at all, well some of them are.

I've studied polyamory over the years and I've found that it's usually people that have a "golden heart" go through with it. These people cannot comprehend why they should only love one person, they are much more comfortable with loving more than one.

I consider polyamory to be the same as having kids. Your first daughter is your only world and you love her deeply, but then you give birth to your son. Your first daughter will get jealous of the attention and love you give the son, but would slowly get over it and accept the fact, that you love your daughter and son equally and nothing will change.

If a polyamorous relationship is successful, that would be how all partners involve will feel. Although there are terms like "primary" and "secondary", I really don't like that label. Primary just basically means your first relationship or partner, basically your spouse is "primary", and any subsequent partners after your spouse is considered "secondary".

I don't like it because that's like saying, "oh hey I know we should treat each other equally, but when it comes to my husband/wife, I will side by him/her and love him/her alittle more" ...my opinion dictates that if you follow polyamory that you shouldn't have that kind of attitude in regards to the relationship, but some people could make it work. Go figure.

I understand your position and I believe that if this was a perfect world, polyamorous relationships would work for everyone. but to be honest with you, to tell people that you love them equally is a lie. Please don't take this as an attack, I truly am not trying to. I just believe that it is impossible to love everyone equally. while it might be something we STRIVE for, I dont think it's possible. So in that case, I think to be in a TRUE polyamorous relationship(where all partners are truly loved the same amount) you would have to be either a. inhuman or b. perfect(which is still not human because humans are inherently flawed which means option a is really the only option). please dont hate me?

I belive people are more than capable of loving multipule people. However I also belive that with out a culture that support this, the jelousy that people feel makes it very hard to maintain one. I have seen a lot of broken hearts, by people trying to have multiple relations ships with everyone aware of what going on. In the end it did not matter, people got jelous of the other people in the reation ship.

Saddly it seems to me, the more people love each other the more they get hurt.

Personally don't think it's possible to love more than one person at a time. And relationships should not be about sex so, I guess I don't really agree with polyamory.

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Originally Posted by Sarah Phoenix (Post 1765541886)

Personally don't think it's possible to love more than one person at a time. And relationships should not be about sex so, I guess I don't really agree with polyamory.

i believe you can love more than one person at a time. i just dont think you can do it equally