Sending the wrong signals... (your failures to communicate)
 

So here's a little fact about me: I have a certain degree of social anxiety. I don't know if it qualifies as a mental disorder, but it definitely is beyond what is normal and fine. I'm getting better at managing it, but I still don't interact with people... well, normally.

This has the effect that I don't really respond properly to events all the time. I have some pre-programmed automatic responses to people that come out when I'm not sure what to say/do. It's usually pretty helpful and aids interactions in running smoothly. These reactions are, generally, smile and laugh.

Only, sometimes smiling and laughing aren't the correct responses. So if I didn't hear someone properly or I need an extra millisecond to process what they said, I smile and laugh. Unfortunately, I also get this as a knee-jerk reaction when someone is making me uncomfortable.

So what happens?

A customer is talking to me at work. He compliments something I did a little too enthusiastically. I smile and laugh. He engages in conversation with me that has nothing to do with my work, starts asking about my plans for college, a career, etc. This is unusual, so I smile and laugh. It occurs to me that this guy (roughly my age) may be chatting me up - this makes me uncomfortable so I smile and laugh even more. I realize that I'm smiling and laughing way too much so it seems like I'm interested, so guess what I do? Yeah, smile and laugh more. By the end of the conversation, my entire body is hot, I've laughed ridiculously loud at things that aren't funny, and my cheeks hurt. And while the guy was perfectly nice (and not invasive, just conversational), I'm glad he's gone. Because that was a seriously stressful negative feedback loop I got caught in.

Bluh

So please, tell me that you react inappropriately or send the wrong message. Tell me your stories. Tell me about how you accidentally laughed when someone told you their grandpa died. Tell me about how you sent someone the wrong signals because you have no clue how to interact like a normal perosn. Let me know I'm not alone. [:P]

My problem is I wait to long to send *any* signal while I try to think of something to say to something I don't have anything to say to, then give up, then smile and give a tiny laugh. Which is either creepy or only goes to show that I didn't have anything to say to it. Bluh indeed.

One wrong signal I have sent is -- when a friend needs help and asks me if I am available, I will say yes even when I actually have a ton of work of my own to do. Because I want to help them. So I sometimes push aside things on my own plate to help other people.

Another wrong signal I have sent is -- when I am feeling stressed out, I sometimes alleviate it by doing fun things or just stepping back from my work for a bit so I can clear my head. But this, of course, sends the signal that I am either available to even more fun things with friends, or that I don't have as much work as I actually do.

I have this problem where I work with customers (at a movie theatre), and I will just agree without listening when they say something that doesn't affect their order.
So basically I'm very glad that managers are hardly ever listening when I say "I know right!" to people complaining about the price of concession snacks. It's not that I agree with them particularly (those snacks pay my wages after all), I just don't care enough to get into a discussion with them.

Haha! I'm definitely guilty of saying nonsensical things to customers. [sweat] Lots of times I assume someone thanked me, so I'll say "no problem!" Once in a while, though... they don't thank me.

"Have a good day!" "No problem!"

"Bye now" "No problem!"

"Okay I'll look there" "No problem!"

[headdesk]

I also do this exact thing, except "No worries!". It gets especially bad at the end of a control close (cleaning the last cinemas of the night) shift.
"That was a great movie!"
"No worries!"
[headdesk]

Ugh, yeah, I have trouble communicating with people I care about sometimes. [headdesk] Some people I can talk to easily, but others... Conversation just doesn't feel natural on my end. I love them to death and want to talk to them, but I forget how to words?

Smile and laugh. Oh gods I do that. As you say, sometimes it's very functional and useful, but other times not so much. I can't recall any particular examples right now, but I know I've goofed with that one.

I once got into a weird (but ultimately harmless) scenario with a homeless man from a combination me sending the wrong signals and him not at all being able to read signals. I was living in a city at the time and usually didn't interact with anyone on the street, because catcalling and such. But I was in a weird mood that day, so when this guy talk to me, I responded, and then he asked if I would buy him a cup of coffee. In all honesty, I was so relieved that he wasn't being a total creep that I said "sure" without thinking about it.

I figured, homeless people have it rough and deserve some kindness, so it wouldn't kill me to get him some coffee and listen to him talk. But the longer I let him talk at me, the more he thought we were going to be friends and the weirder he got on me. By the time we got the counter and I was paying for the coffee, he was calling me princess and asking if we could have "tea for two." [sweat] [gonk] At that point, I realized I was going to have to stop being polite (the way we girls are supposed to be) and tell him directly that no, we are not going to have a date now, and no, we are not going to be friends, and go away, I want to be alone now, goodbye.

Fortunately, this all happened during daylight in a crowded coffee shop on a main street or I would have been majorly freaked out. Two girls my age in the cafe noticed what was going on and checked in with me to make sure I was okay, for which I was super grateful. So, as it was, it was just a super weird, awkward situation. Very educational too; let me tell you, I am not doing that again. [headdesk]

Yikes! I'm glad you got out of that situation safely. I'd like to think he was just clueless on social interaction (hey, like we are! but in a different way), and meant you no harm and genuinely had no idea he was acting inappropriately. That doesn't make it okay, but it's less scary than the alternative! I've also experienced people who were homeless and didn't quite follow normal social cues. I imagine this has something to do with the fact that a lot of mentally ill people end up homeless due to the system failing them. It's absolutely tragic! And it can definitely make it harder for an individual to help them for the exact reason you illustrated - if they don't interact totally normally, people can end up feeling unsafe around them due to not knowing if they're a threat or not. No fault of their own, of course, but a person has to look out for their own safety. [:(]

Yeah, I don't think he intended me any harm. And I felt bad for him, because he seemed like he was on the mental health spectrum. Plus, being homeless must be super dehumanizing. :(

On the bright side, he did leave me alone when I asked him to, and he also got a free cup of coffee, so there's that. ^^;

Oh gosh, I'm feeling everything on this thread.

I feel like basic social norms/Communication with Humans 101 was supposed to be learned at some point during one's teenage years, but I was way too busy reading fan fiction and playing MMOs to be bothered with socializing with actual people. I'm obviously suffering for it now - both my jobs are pretty customer service based, meaning I generally make people uncomfortable by not knowing how to respond to simple conversation beyond the primary service exchange. Luckily, since I'm a college student, I don't think people expect very much of you in life just yet, but I graduate in a couple of years, so...I'm screwed?

The few 'friends' I've made after developing social anxiety pass off by behavior as 'quirky' and 'adorkable', which I feel is putting it way too nicely. Every conversation initiated in a public setting is just really stressful. When I have to speak on the spot I stumble over my words and make horrible puns and take an awkwardly long time to respond.

I've found that smiling and avoiding frequent eye contact when a person is trying to initiate conversation you is a great way to communicate 'I'd love to talk to you but you really wouldn't enjoy talking to me so do us both a favor and stop trying'. Is there a more polite way to articulate that thought? I have no clue.

What really sucks is the fact that people assume you're flirting with them when all you can do is smile and laugh when they speak to you? I've had a few creepy customers that take a polite attitude as an invitation to get weird and make me even more uncomfortable. Just because I'm not saying anything doesn't mean I'm not cursing at you in my head, sir. Please move along.

(I apologize if my reply seems scattered/jumpy. It's 0436. Also, though textual communication is far easier, especially in a somewhat anonymous setting like an online forum, it's still communication, and I'm still myself. And that was way too many commas).

Only happens between my family members and me. I'm mostly distracted with.... everything, when I'm at home, so I end up not listening when they're talking to me.

Mom: So, excited about your party?
Me: Yeah, Mamma, I'll do it in a while.

Dad: How far did you finish revising that lesson?
Me: I'm not sure, ask Ads (my brother)

Ads: Did you listen to that game music I asked you to listen to?
Me: I think Dad said he'd be free in a few minutes.

[facepalm]