So being an semi-typical Aussie I'm far from against the occasional drink. I refuse to drink alone except for maybe three or four nights a year when I'll sit down, do some writing, cook a steak and drink a cold one (like tonight.) So you could say I'm more of a social drinker. No matter how drunk I get, I've always had enough self control to avoid sex while drunk, and in fact I've been told by every girlfriend I've had that I'm instantly a nicer guy and say some of the sweetest things I'd normally avoid saying. You could say I'm far from a typical drunk asshole, and even the girlfriends I've had who didn't drink never had a problem with it.

However, some of those same girlfriends have told me some rather disturbing stories of boyfriends and/or fathers who beat them when they were drunk, or even worse. I don't think I've even had the desire to throw a punch while I was drunk which makes the whole thought of a violent drunk seem foreign to me.

So now that you know where I'm coming from, what are your thoughts on your significant other drinking. If that person loves you, should you have the right to influence their drinking if it makes them an angry drunk? If that person is a happy and caring drunk, should you make them feel unwelcome to drink around you? Would you make them sleep on the couch regardless? How much pity would you give your significant other if they are sick the morning after? When do you feel the limits are for that person to be considered an alcoholic deserving of intervention? If you love that person should you have the right to act on behalf of that person with therapy or rehabilitation?

Discuss.

I think that you would have to approach it on a case-by-case basis. I can't speak out of experience because I've never really dated, but I've seen people drunk on several occasions and I understand what its like to see a person's personality pull a 360 on you like you would never expect it to.

I don't drink, and that's for a few reasons. The first being that I'm obviously not legal to drink yet since I'm only 18. Has that stopped me from drinking before? Of course not, but that's not why I choose not to drink. The second reason, is that I don't really like the taste of alcohol. Its really nasty, and I don't see why people feel the need to drink something that tastes like crap. And the third, is because I'm not a good person to be around when I'm intoxicated. I become very bitter towards my outlook on people, and on life.

From my personal experiences around others, I would have to say that I would never try and stop someone from drinking unless I thought that they would hurt themselves or someone else. An aggressive drunk should be stopped early on, because things can get out of hand far too easily in their cases. A passive drunk should be allowed only enough that they shouldn't be able to be taken advantage of. A horny drunk should never be allowed enough that they start sleeping with random strangers, etc.

The problem with people drinking and getting drunk, is people drink more now to get drunk than they ever have to be social or relax. Its kind of pathetic when you see someone vomiting all over the place because they consume too much alcohol, or when they're unable to take care of even their basic functions without help. I find it sad that people feel the need to get drunk just to escape their lives when in reality, there's nothing they need to escape from that should give them a reason to make themselves physically sick.

I personally never drink because I haven't found anything that I like to drink. There's really no point in me getting used to drinking something I don't like since I'm not interested in getting drunk.

My boyfriend drinks occasionally, but not very often because he has an extremely sensitive stomach and it causes problems(the last time he got drunk, the next morning he threw up blood for 5 hours and then had to go to the ER). He's the same kind of drunk as you though, he gets more sensitive and starts professing his love (which is fine by me). It makes me laugh when he gets too carried away with it.

If he drank more often, I'd have a problem with it mostly because of his stomach. It kills him enough as it is, so drinking constantly would just make it unbearable and eventually make him unbearable. If the drinking started affecting his ability to do normal things like go to class, I'd have a problem with that too.

It's hard to say when enough is enough though (for someone who's drunken behavior isn't hurting anyone). I tend to be a live and let live type of person, so I'd find it difficult to tell someone what to do. I have friends that drink and I never tell them they should stop and they never tell me I should start. I feel like if I did tell them to stop, that would give them the right to tell me to start.

Originally Posted by juniper_silver

My boyfriend drinks occasionally, but not very often because he has an extremely sensitive stomach and it causes problems(the last time he got drunk, the next morning he threw up blood for 5 hours and then had to go to the ER). He's the same kind of drunk as you though, he gets more sensitive and starts professing his love (which is fine by me). It makes me laugh when he gets too carried away with it.

A bit of a side note for your boyfriend. I had a endoscopy performed (after insurance, the procedure set me back about $2,000) which found an inflamed esophagus. It turns out that some of the males in my family have a weak stomach valve that allows acid back up into the esophagus which when you consume too much liquid - which can lead to throwing up blood and what-not as the esophagus WILL bleed when it hits acid. My dad back in Australia takes some generic proton pump inhibitor and I personally take Prilosec about once every three days. If I take a shot of malt vinegar every morning I can reduce the Prilosec to once every two weeks pretty easily. I do believe there are exercises you can do to strengthen the valve, but for the meantime your boyfriend might want to consult with a doc about the problem. Up until about six months ago I'd feel live vomiting off less than two drinks - but now I'm fine with both drinking and spicy foods.

Personally, (and this is coming from a deeply Southern American girl, where beer drinking on weekends is just what people always do) it's a case by case, depending on the person.

Wether they are a mean drunk does have an effect on it. No need to fuel that negative aspect of yourself, right? But if you're the harmless, happy drunk, I see nothing wrong as long as you don't overindulge.

Hangovers aren't fun, from what I understand. But if I had to endure you're harassment and mean drunkeness half the night, and then listen to you whine and whimper because of your hangover the next day, you'll not get much pity from me.

If your drinking affects your daily life negatively, or is overtly excessive, it needs to be stopped, or at the very least, well-managed. Drinking occasionally for the taste or for relaxation is one thing. Funneling every weekend is just dangerous.

I believe that to some degree, it is both the drinker and the partner's decision to go to therapy. If the drinker is unwilling, then the partner will be fighting an uphill battle. If willing, then the partner can provide proper support and encouragement to help them along.

The occasional drink or the occasional intoxicated state is all right. Everything in moderation. :)

I've always thought that drinking in moderation is important, since it is cancerous...
I think its ok to tell an angry drunk to drink less... *shrugs*
I think there is a cure for alcoholism... Will power and if that doesn't work there's always hypnotism. Hehehehe. A lot of people aren't into sex when drunk... Thats just how the liquor affects people... Too many people do stupid stuff when drunk but its like the favored drug of the college students. Lol. I think weed is better, but tequila and vodka and kahula liquor can be good... So I dunno.

Originally Posted by Insomniac

A bit of a side note for your boyfriend. I had a endoscopy performed (after insurance, the procedure set me back about $2,000) which found an inflamed esophagus. It turns out that some of the males in my family have a weak stomach valve that allows acid back up into the esophagus which when you consume too much liquid - which can lead to throwing up blood and what-not as the esophagus WILL bleed when it hits acid. My dad back in Australia takes some generic proton pump inhibitor and I personally take Prilosec about once every three days. If I take a shot of malt vinegar every morning I can reduce the Prilosec to once every two weeks pretty easily. I do believe there are exercises you can do to strengthen the valve, but for the meantime your boyfriend might want to consult with a doc about the problem. Up until about six months ago I'd feel live vomiting off less than two drinks - but now I'm fine with both drinking and spicy foods.

Thanks Insomniac. He has been to a few different doctors, but none of them could figure out what was wrong with him. He's only had cheap tests done though (such as blood tests) because he's already struggling to pay for college, rent, the ER visit, etc. I'll tell him that he should keep an endoscopy in mind for when he has enough money. Is what you're talking about called Acid Reflux? I think the first doctor guessed that he has Acid Reflux and gave him Prevacid without doing an endoscopy to be sure. Prevacid didn't help, but I'll tell him to ask if Prilosec works differently next time he goes to the doctor. It's nice to hear from someone who's learned how to control severe stomach problems. Sometimes I worry that my boyfriend's just going to have to deal with this for the rest of his life.

I don't know what it's like to have someone in your family who is angry drunk, however my mother and aunt grew up in a household where their father was an alcoholic who would beat them and their mother when he drank.

I think, therefore, you have a right to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and secure. Unfortunately voicing your opinions and offering support to your significant other is one thing, but I don't know how feasible it is to suggest that you can flip a switch and automatically have an influence on someone else's drinking. I know that my grandmother took my mother and my aunt several times from that situation, but always went back to my grandfather because she loved him and because he was unbelievably sweet when he was sober. Ultimately, though, it has to be a decision that the person makes for themselves.

As far as making people feel unwelcome to drink around you, it would depend on the situation. If you just don't like drinking for drinking's sake or you don't like it because you are more connected to a situation like my mother and my aunt I think that you have a right to your opinion. However, I don't think that means that you can then try and force that opinion on someone else. Just because some people are not good when they drink doesn't mean that everyone is like that, and each person is their own self and has the right to make their own decisions.

Sleeping on the couch and taking care of my SO would once again depend on the situation. If we'd talked about it and I'd voiced my concerns for valid reasons (i.e. I have to wake up early tomorrow and get things done, take it easy tonight) then oh yeah I'd make them sleep on the couch and give them no pity the next day.

The last part of your question was about alcoholism... And I really think that once drinking interferes with other aspects of life is when it is alcoholism. I have a friend who says he's an alcoholic and I believe him. He drinks in excess, he drinks a lot, and often he will opt out of other plans in order to go to a party. He lost his first job because he kept calling in sick due to hangovers from parties, and once it hits that, yes, I'd classify that as alcoholism.

He luckily has taken control of his drinking a bit more by getting some help. I think that the only way to help with therapy or rehab is if there's a flicker of want to change in the person themselves. Shoving someone in rehab if they don't think they have a problem is much less likely to work than if they recognize that they do but just can't see a way to control it.

So that's my take on it, I guess. I think there's more I'd say, but I wanted to cover all the points from the original post... ><

I don't mind my boyfriend drinking as long as he doesn't show signs of dependency I'm fine. If he did, I do have the right to talk to him about getting help.
His father was a violent drunk. he would also drink and drive with them in the car(my boyfriend and his brother). he never hit them except for once. After that, they asked him not to drink anymore because he was violent. He hasn't had a drop since.

My boyfriend and I are "of an age" and aren't really into losing self-control. If I do drink, it's maybe 1/2 bottle of beer and usually just for a special occasion. Having kids and being concerned about the type of example I set also helps guide how I behave.

in my house i'm the drinker and my boy is happy to sit on one or two beers over the course of the night (if any at all) while i can happily make my way through a bottle of wine or more than a couple beers. he knew this about me when we got together, and i knew that he didn't match my habbits in this area... but neither of us mind particularly. we have decided, and have it work, that if either of us feels uncomfortable about the amounts being consumed (on my part, of course) then we say so.

heh. it makes me sound like an alcoholic. i barely drink at all these days, but it is a situation we've dealt with. honesty and the ability to say something goes a long way.

I would try to make a violent drunk drink less, if he won't do that, I'd leave him. Luckily, I've got a boyfriend who becomes very sweet and emotional when he drinks =3 Just don't give him too much mead - if he drinks too much of that, he falls asleep and there is NO way of waking him up. No fun at festivals or concerts.
However, when the Boyfriend and I were just together, he did have a drinking problem. If he couldn't go out and drink two nights per weekend, he would become irritable to very pissed (never violent though, he doesn't even kill spiders). But he worked on it a lot and now he rarely passes his limit anymore. ^^

I wouldn't make him sleep on the couch when he's drunk... because most of the time, I happily drink along. :XD Would I sympathize with him if he had a hangover? I'd laugh at him for not respecting his own limits, but I'd bring him a glass of milk and give him a hug to make him feel less miserable after that.

Originally Posted by Insomniac

...what are your thoughts on your significant other drinking. If that person loves you, should you have the right to influence their drinking if it makes them an angry drunk? If that person is a happy and caring drunk, should you make them feel unwelcome to drink around you? Would you make them sleep on the couch regardless? How much pity would you give your significant other if they are sick the morning after? When do you feel the limits are for that person to be considered an alcoholic deserving of intervention? If you love that person should you have the right to act on behalf of that person with therapy or rehabilitation?

I do not drink, and I will never drink. I do not wish for my significant other to be a drinker. However, if I end up falling in love with someon who happens to drink, if he loves me back and in no way harms me when he is drunk, then I see no reason why he shouldn't drink. (Except for the fact that drinking does all sorts of bad things to you, and endangers the drinker's and everyone around him/her life.) But it is not our place to say whether someone is allowed to do something or not. A significant other is supposed to be caring and supportive. You can suggest that they stop drinking, ask them to stop drinking, tell them that it would be better if they stop drinking. But if you in any way try to force them to do something, then you aren't being a very good significant other, and may eventually push them away from you. Or, you could push them to drinking even more.

You do have the right to ask that they not drink around you. Just like it is your right to not have to be around smokers. But, that all depends, because if they are drinking, and you come into the room, you shouldn't be so rude as to demand that they leave. It is common curtesy that they leave, but it is also common curtesy that you allow them to stay.

I would not make him sleep on the couch. Unless there is more reason than just the drinking. Like, maybe if he were puking, or being an ass.

I would not have much sympathy. They knew what would happen if they got drunk. But, I would not go out of my way to make it even more miserable for them. Sure, I'd let him sleep it off, but if wouldn't tolerate him milking it, and I wouldn't wait on him hand and foot.

I'm not sure I'm the best one to discuss how much would be okay before you're considered an alcoholic. I've never drank (drunk? drunken?) before, and I don't plan on it. And I would prefer my boyfriend/husband to not be a drinker, because I am Mormon, and I prefer to marry a Mormon boy. So, I wouldn't know whether one drink a day is good, or one drink a week, or 5 a day, or whatever.

As much as it is their right to drink, and no one has the right to force them to not drink, there comes a point when an intervention is needed. If they are endangering people's lives, then you should have the right to get them help.

@ Tut - it is admirable that you've made a choice to avoid booze - stick with your convictions :)

Huge difference, IMO, between social/occasional drinking and having an addiction. From what I've seen, it's pretty easy to become addicted to booze if you're not careful.

At what point does one become a knock-down drunk versus an emotional drunk? At what point should concerned friends/family step in and say something? I'm not dealing with a situation like this now, but have in the past. Curious about what others would say, if anything.

Personally, I drink on social occasions. Sometimes I get drunk, sometimes I don't. But I don't feel the constant need to escape life by getting drunk. Sometimes my boyfriend and I get drunk and we'll play board games. Same goes for when some friends come over to my apartment.

I think the getting angry while drunk issue arises when you have a person who has pent up rage and nowhere to put it all. Someone who bottles up their anger and keeps it under the surface. I usually vent a little when I'm mad, and it's usually in forum posts...

But, I digress.

I've had situations where both my boyfriend and I are not feeling so well the next morning (Rotgut), and I have sympathy for that, because it's not the terrible feeling of a hangover (I never drink that much), but it's having a perpetually sour stomach all day long.

As for people who really shouldn't be drinking, I don't have sympathy for those who haven't found other means of escape, like reading novels, or watching films, even painting a picture. It's a choice they made to put alcohol into their body.

On a side note, I'm more of a beer person because most hard liquors and high-alcohol beers have too strong of an alcohol taste, and I prefer the taste and body offered by the different combinations of grains and hops instead of getting terribly drunk. Favorite beer has to be Guinness and Bodington's Pub Ale.

I do not drink, so this has always been a touchy subject among friends and boyfriends.

I would never tell a person that they weren't allowed to drink alcohol - Your body is your own and I do not have the authority to stop you, nor would I want to. If you want to go out on the town with the boys and get drunk, go for it. I simply ask that you don't drink in excess when I'm around. One or two beers is enough to have fun without going overboard. If you get sick, I'll do my best to help you feel better, but you're not getting much real sympathy.

I have zero tolerance for anyone who asks violently while drunk. Alcohol is not an excuse for any kind of threatening behavior. I wouldn't tolerate a boyfriend beating me or yelling at me under "normal" circumstances, so what difference does beer make? I wouldn't ask him to stop drinking, I'd tell him that we're through. I would make sure he got help so that he wouldn't hurt anyone else, however.

So now that you know where I'm coming from, what are your thoughts on your significant other drinking. If that person loves you, should you have the right to influence their drinking if it makes them an angry drunk? If that person is a happy and caring drunk, should you make them feel unwelcome to drink around you? Would you make them sleep on the couch regardless? How much pity would you give your significant other if they are sick the morning after? When do you feel the limits are for that person to be considered an alcoholic deserving of intervention? If you love that person should you have the right to act on behalf of that person with therapy or rehabilitation?

Well I'm married to a man who is, by most definitions, an alcoholic. He drinks in secret, gets defensive about it, hides the evidence in various cupboards around his home-office, and varies between denying it or saying its his right to drink. It impacts me most if I think about the bad fights we had early in our relationship or the times when he put his own life very very much in danger. But if I'm around, and if I make peace -- easier said than done -- with the knowledge that no one can MAKE someone stop drinking, then its easier to cope.

The one thing that truly worries me, though, is that if we ever start a family, I wouldn't want children to grow up knowing about his secret drinking, that there are times when daddy is odd and shouldn't be engaged with, that there is a tension around mum and dad whenever the subject comes about. I've thought about discussing it with him, but the two subjects are just so much night and day that I almost risk polluting the latter with teh former. And he would very likely read me as trying to manipulate him into quitting. So here we have an impasse.

i don't really drink, at the moment.
i have not found any reason to get drunk.
although i would, for the sake of experimentation would get drunk to see what kind i am.
though i do not drink, i do taste different alcoholic beverages.
nothing more then a shot, if that...
i don't particularly like the taste or scent of alcohol, so i avoid it.
(one time i was going to try a sip of whiskey, i opened the bottle, and was so revolted by the smell i started to gag, and then almost through up....never even smell that stuff people.unless you cant smell...[i have a very sensitive nose so that might be a reason why i don't like alcohol in general...])
although i don't mind alcopop, hardly any alcohol in it, and is generally of a fruity flavour...
FYI-alcopop="bitchbeer"=Smirnoff, mike's hard lemonade, etc.
(just to let people know...)
^-^'

Originally Posted by Insomniac

If that person loves you, should you have the right to influence their drinking if it makes them an angry drunk?

IF a person is aware of the fact that his drinking has such negative effects, and he is not capable of drinking in moderation, then yes, I do believe the loved one should be able to express concern and has every right to do so. I say this because not only does the drunken rage affect the drinker, but everyone else around him as well.

If that person is a happy and caring drunk, should you make them feel unwelcome to drink around you?

Personally, I have no problem with a person who drinks to relax or wind down ~ moderate consumption. I feel the same way about marijuana. It only becomes an issue for me when its a dependency ~ excessive consumption. But there are recovering alcoholics who would definitely have an issue if someone was drinking around them. I believe those people do have a valid reason to ask someone not to drink around them.

Would you make them sleep on the couch regardless?

If a person I loved became an alcoholic, abusive toward me or my children, and refused to get help, he would not even be allowed in my house, much less sleeping on my couch. I have been through waaaaaay too much in my life to put up with any bullshit like that. Otherwise, I have no problem at all with the occasional drinking situation so there would be NO reason for anyone to sleep on the couch unless that is where we ended up passing out.

How much pity would you give your significant other if they are sick the morning after?

Anyone who is constantly drinking alcohol and out of control would be nowhere near me. However, if my MODERATE drinking partner was ill, I would most definitely nurture and care for him regardless of how he became sick. A nice relaxing bath/shower together would be choice but if he was too nauseous, then I would give him a sweet little bubble bath massage. Its always better to be close to the bathroom anyway in those situations.

When do you feel the limits are for that person to be considered an alcoholic deserving of intervention?

As I stated earlier, it only becomes a serious problem when it becomes alcohol abuse rather than moderate consumption. If a person drinks alcohol daily and freaks out when they dont have it, continues to drink despite health problems caused by drinking, or put themselves and others in danger, then I would say that person definitely needs help.

If you love that person should you have the right to act on behalf of that person with therapy or rehabilitation?

Im not quite sure I understand this question but I do believe the loved one who is suffering does have the right to contact a counselor for advise on how to cope with the issue and how to get the alcoholic the help that they desperately need.