A family pet passed away today. My mom made the decision to buy a new pet and switch it with the old. The reason is so my four and five year old siblings will not have to find out that Soda died. I know that it is difficult for a small child to wrap their mind around the concept of death.

I want to know what other people's thoughts are.

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?
Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?
If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?
Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?
Do you have any personal experiences?
What would you do in this situation and why?

*Remember to quote the spoons. :)

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?

I believe you should be honest with your child, regardless of their age. I mean, you can shield them from certain things depending on the age, but it's not right to hide everything.

Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?

Once a child begins going to school, they should be alright to know about death. That way the child is interacting with other kids their age, and hearing stories. Lots of kids will come home from school asking questions about everything under the sun, so it's good to sit down with them and explain the basics. Don't go into too much detail, though. Leave it to their imagination..? I'm just throwing things out here ^^;;

If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?

I think it is a bit. When I was young my mother did not shield me from things like when we were in financial difficulty and we couldn't afford things. It helped me understand the realities of being an adult. Too much exposure can be detrimental to a child's psyche, but some doesn't hurt if you do it correctly.

Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?

Honestly, I don't think it's fair to anyone to use Cat 2 as a replacement for Cat 1 (for example). The pet's passing should be mourned, and the child should remember (if he/she can remember) the pet. It's also not fair to the new pet, for the new pet is expected to live up to the behavior of the old one. Which isn't really possible since pets are just like people, many different personalities. d:

Do you have any personal experiences?

I personally do not have any experiences. >.<;

What would you do in this situation and why?

If I were in this situation, I would tell my child if they were between the ages of 5 and whatever. I would tell them that the pet has gone to a better place, and (depending on how the pet died) they do not feel pain any longer. I would never let my child believe that a new pet is the old one! D:
Good topic. :3

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?

Depends. If they're a child it's good to make them feel good ^^

Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?

You don't have to tell them they'll learn eventually

If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust

Yes, but it's for their own good

Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?

As long as you share the same love you did with the old one

Do you have any personal experiences?

No, but I learned from the best

What would you do in this situation and why?

You could trick them with a new one that's fine imo
Whatever to keep the kids happy

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?
Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?

There's actually no reason to shield a child - the brains of children are in fact better fit to stomach a case of death than that of teens and grownups. Of course they will have problems to understand the concept at first, and when they finally do they will be crying their eyes out. But with enough love and care they will swiftly recover.

And the sooner they learn about death, the better they will manage to accept it. It's a crucial part of life, something everybody will have to understand at one point - and the sooner you reach that point, the easier it will be on you.

If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?

Rather than what I feel, isn't it more important what the child feels when it eventually finds out? And it will find out, for one day it will realize that it's absolutely impossible for their beloved guinea pig to have survived for 15 years...

Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?

I would say it's neither fair nor unfair. As long as the pet gets treated well, I'd say it doesn't care why it receives all that love from it's owner. ;)

Do you have any personal experiences?

My mother never shielded me from death (and it's the reason I can better accept it now), but from so many other things - and if I could turn back time I would ask her to not do it. The worst time of my life was when I learned about how very cruel and unfair the world really is, because I was simply not prepared for it.

Don't let children live in pink fairy bubbles, because once those pop the children inside will have to survive a high fall...

What would you do in this situation and why?

I would sit down with the children, explain to them that their friend won't be around anymore, and then I would start answering their questions (and there will be lots of them, it is a very hard concept to explain, but just let the questions lead you).

This wouldn't be easy, and it might take a lot of patience, but I really think it's all worth it.

I really was never shielded from death because most of my family are older and have various forms of cancer. And now funerals and visitations are like second nature to me. And I'm grateful that my parents showed me at an early age that death is as much a part of life as birth is and that it isn't something you should fear.

In fact a friend of mine just died from cancer she had been battleing for the last ten years. And I was glad that she finally decided to let go and be at rest, I found that I couldn't shed one tear because although I will greatly miss her I know that she isn't struggling anymore and that she is in a better place.

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?

I think so, because then they wouldn't find out someday that you lied to them.

Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?

Hm...I think death is kind of unavoidable and that you can't really shield someone from it. Although it would be sad to be young and have someone die. :(

If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?

Yes.

Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?

Not really. It's almost like they're a clone that isn't really loved for being them, but for being the other pet. (Or maybe I'm just thinking of Double Identity...) And I guess they wouldn't really know...I still think it's kinda sad though.

Do you have any personal experiences?

Not that I can think of

What would you do in this situation and why?

I'd tried to explain what happened carefully, in a way that wouldn't traumatize them. Like...saying that the pet wasn't with us anymore and that I would explain it fully when they were older.

I think it's best to be honest.
They need to learn about death.

Originally Posted by Snowflower

A family pet passed away today. My mom made the decision to buy a new pet and switch it with the old. The reason is so my four and five year old siblings will not have to find out that Soda died. I know that it is difficult for a small child to wrap their mind around the concept of death.

I want to know what other people's thoughts are.

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?
Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?
If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?
Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?
Do you have any personal experiences?
What would you do in this situation and why?

*Remember to quote the spoons. :)

I don't think a child should be shielded from death at any age, for any reason. It's sad, tragic, and emotionally devastating, but it IS a part of life, and can happen to anyone or anything at any time. I think if we could only try to accept it as such, it would make it easier to cope with.
Instead of it being a betrayal, I see it more as a flat out, unnecessary lie.
I doubt it makes any difference to the pet.
Not much was hidden from me as a child. I saw far more than was necessary, to say the least. I don't really hide things from my kids. There are things that I simply don't think are any of their business. Some things are private to me as an adult, and some things are private to me as a mother.
I would tell my child the pet died, in the best way that I could, and answer their questions, if they have any, the best way possible and in an age-appropriate way.

I believe that it would be better to be honest with the child, no matter how old he may be. If I chose to hide the death from my child, I would most certainly be betraying their trust. Doesn't it seem disgusting? If this child's grandmother died and it was possible to replace the grandmother, would you do so? No. Its an insult to the memory of the deceased and it takes advantage of the child's lack of knowledge. I don't think that its fair to the new pet, although depending on the species, it might not even be able to register that its family is expecting it to be someone else. Its disgusting. I'm not saying that children should have to experience death and loss and be taken to R-rated movies. I'm saying that if such a situation comes up, they have a right to know what death.

You may not like my answer snow. But I figured I should give it. Since you are a good friend. ^^; Please dont hate me.

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?

Yes. The more lies you produce the less the child will be likely to ever believe you.

Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?

No. Death of a pet especially is a way for them to learn to cope with it. Coping with death is a big step. Shielding them from it only makes it harder on them when something comes up later in life and they have no mental defense for the type of thing. They become numb and do not know what to do, how to react, or how to act.

If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?

Yes. I will never lie to my children [when I have children] I hated being lied to growing up and I will never put mine through the same feeling of distrust.

Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?

Fuck no.

Do you have any personal experiences?

Yes, but honestly. Going into them is already something I do not like doing. All I will say is shielding doesnt protect anything. Just makes it hard when you lose good friends or family. Makes you numb and incomprehensible to anything happening.

What would you do in this situation and why?

Tell them what happened. Let them know what excatly happened, to an extent of trying to protect them from gory details But still tell them what happened. Doing otherwise just, makes things worse. Seriously much more worse later in life.

No, I don't hate anyone for their opinions. :) Personally, I didn't think that was the best choice. Plus, when the four year old came home, she knew the pet was different and kept asking about the other. My grandmother was the one who gently explained what happened. I can understand my mom wanting to protect them, but I wouldn't have tried to get a replacement pet in that situation. I just wanted to see how other people would have handled the situation.

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?

This depends on the situation. Whether it be a child or even an adult, sometimes being honest is not the best way to go about it. A child is at a stage in their lives where they should be carefree, joyous, hyper-active and dreamy. They shouldn't have to worry about the turmoils and challenges of the real world, just yet.

They should be having fun, not having to deal with a death.

Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?

I am no expert. And to tell you the truth, I really do not know at what age children are ready to deal with death as it is. It is probably easier if you are religious, but if your child is not religious perhaps it will be a lot harder.
I remember how frightened I was late a night as a child thinking about death and how when you die, that is it. There is nothing more. I even cried a couple of times. Crying from the hopelessness and inevitability of death.
It was a horrible feeling that young children should never have to experience. They should be enjoying their lives, not thinking about death. And trust me if you haven't thought about death late at night in bed - it is a horrid experience. The feeling you get is unbelievable, like you are falling even though you are lying in your bed.

If you would choose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?

Sometimes I wonder about this. I have come to realise that people take what their parents say as gospel until they are told something different. I have had many things that my parents told me become my beliefs that are later shattered in my life. Even now I probably hold beliefs that are untrue but I have not been given any other viewpoint on the matter.

I don't like to lie. I will tell you that much. As such it will be hard for me not to tell my future child the truth. Unfortunately like I mentioned before, the truth might be far more damaging than lying to your child.

Perhaps lying to your child when they aren't ready yet, then telling them the truth when they are 'ready' is the best solution. Tell them the truth when they are mature enough or strong enough to accept/deal with the truth.

Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?

I think it is wrong to switch pets. It would have been better if your mother told your siblings that their cat had gone to a better place, but that you have a new cat. Your mother doesn't have to explain to them that your first cat died; find an excuse/fantasy reason for the passing.

I feel it is an insult to the first cat and an insult to the memories of that cat. Just imagine the same thing but replace the cat with a human. It is horrid.

Do you have any personal experiences?

I have had a variety of pets. I had a cat who my father said he set free and let roam free when I was a child because my mother was giving birth to my sister. Whether she actually was set free or whether she died I still don't know.

That 'setting free' (if it was that) did not affect me that much because I felt like my cat would be happier living amongst other cats instead of kept cramped up in a small unit.

When my bird died though my father told me it died and that was the first time I started thinking about death. Did my father telling me the truth have an adverse affect on me? Perhaps.

What would you do in this situation and why?

In your scenario I would have told the siblings that our cat had reached that stage in their life where they take an exciting journey to meet with other cats. Then I would tell them that the new cat is coming to live with us.

Though in all seriousness I really wouldn't know what to do. I hate lying, but at the same time I don't want to tell them the truth.

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?
Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?

Honesty is always necessary when raising a child, even when it comes with having your child face the knowledge that death exists. If you raise a child and lie to them to make their life easier they will be extremely vulnerable later on in life to negative influences. Instead of having them slowly trickle in as they find out about them from you one at a time they would be thrown into a world with all the bad in life smacking them in the face. Children should not be shielded from the idea of death at any age, they need to know the truth so they can be a bit more considering as they live their lives.

If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?

Hiding the truth from a child when you think it is for the better is not a betrayal of trust, they trust you to protect them in the way that you see is best. If in your own opinion you feel that hiding something from a child would be best then you are doing your job in protecting them to the best of your ability, there is no betrayal in that. In the terms of hiding the death of a pet from a child, it really depends on you in considering it a betrayal or not. You save your child from pain but at the same time you delude them from the fact that pets are not invincible and could end up warping their sense of time when it comes to a pets life and death.

Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?

It can go either way for the new pet, on one hand they have expectations to live up to that an older and possibly more mature pet set, but also the pets gets all the love and affection from the children that it had before, sometimes a new pet replacing an old one that a child knew died is given the cold shoulder cause of an unhappy child that misses the other. It all depends on your opinion on the word fair...

Do you have any personal experiences?
What would you do in this situation and why?

In my life my parents have always told me when a pet died, and I think it better prepared me for when a family member died. I knew the concept and I understood that I would never see them again better which helped me to deal with the grief of the loss, which is still with me and will always be with me but not acutely as it was when the death first happened. I would tell the kids that the pet had died and explain the concept of death as best as possible. I would also get another pet an make sure to have the kids pick the pet, let them fall in love again without the pet being forced on them.

..what's "quote the spoons mean?" O_o

I believe that unless it is life-threatening, don't lie about death-it's like life, it happens, and even young children should know the truth. ..I did. When I was six or seven, I noticed my puppy wouldn't play, and dad kept saying she ate chicken and something was wrong with here. Yes, I was young, but I understood..not where my dog went, but that something was wrong. Even at a young age, children notice difference. As for personal experiences- My lil sis had a little, grey, drawf bunny from a fair and when it died no one told her..and I wasn't allowed. I was about ten or so then, and had already experienced death many times in my life..so it was nothing for me. I do feel that it is betraying trust, to hide death. ..it just happens, it's part of life, and we can't stop it, so why try to hide it? ..it would be awful to think back of a loved one, and never know..why they suddenly where not there, and never came back..it would be a strange feeling.

Larele, do you see this list of questions that Snowflower posted?

Is it better to be honest with your child and why?
Is there an age when children should or should not be shielded from death?
If you would chose to hide the truth from your child, do you feel that is betraying their trust?
Is it fair to the new pet who is a replacement?
Do you have any personal experiences?
What would you do in this situation and why?

These are called "spoon-fed" questions.
If you want to re-post them and answer them one by one, like some of the other users have, then you have to put them inside quote tags. That way you don't unfairly earn gold from something that another person has written. :yes:

Originally Posted by Knerd

Larele, do you see this list of questions that Snowflower posted?



These are called "spoon-fed" questions.
If you want to re-post them and answer them one by one, like some of the other users have, then you have to put them inside quote tags. That way you don't unfairly earn gold from something that another person has written. :yes:

Oh..okay, thank you then. Is it..required..if I don't just copy/paste what they wrote? =o