I'm having a bit of a tough time recently. I'm tired all the time recently, which could be because of any of a number of factors.

I'm prone to anxiety attacks, which are much scarier than they sound. I don't know how they are for other people, but for me I black out for about half a second, topple over onto my face (boobs are heavy), then I can't draw a proper breath for the life of me, and I'm crying (I hate crying in public). All the while I get caught up in a literal malstrome of emotion, everything from grief to fear to anger.

That nearly happened today, and I barely kept it from happening. I actually blacked out, and caught myself just before I tipped over. (I was in the bathroom. On the potty. Ew.)

Of course, none of this could have happened without a cause or seven. Anxiety attacks only happen when the person in question is under a huge load of stress, and I really, truely am. Even without school, I'd be a little more stressed than is comfortable.

My sister-in-law lost her job. She and my brother can't afford to pay rent and still feed themselves and my nephew. They're going to have to move back in with my mother and I unless my sister finds a job ASAP. Mom's gone into "must clean everything in sight" mode, because that's how she deals with stress. It just makes me feel worse, but she's forcing me into it too.

I prefer to walk. I'm good at walking. Er... when I'm not recovering from a nasty flu anyway.

My math class sucks. I'm good at math, and the homework takes me four hours. I'm very certain the white hairs I've found recently are because of it. Also school related, my piano teacher, who's kind of been my friend (you know, as much as teachers ever get) the last two semesters, seems upset with me for some reason. Admittedly, I couldn't get the book till late in the semester, but that was a combination of me running our of money, and the book store not having it until the month was nearly over anyway. I just don't get it.

I keep getting sharp stabbing pains in my stomach type area. I'm worried, because I can see the outline of my stomach through my skin, and I don't know what that means. I'm also nautious a lot.

I sure hope I'm not pregnant. I shouldn't be, I'm on birth control, but... there's a small voice in me that worries. And... if I was, my parents would be so sad... I don't think dad would ever talk to me again (wait, that's bad...?). My mom would be supportive, and help us through it, but I don't know how I could ever look at her again. They've taught me all my life not to, well, you know... before marraige, a belief I personally find archaic.

I'm getting married. If you don't know why this is making me stressed, I'm not going to ruin your innocence.

I have to go to the dentist next week. I haven't been to one in three years and I know it's bad. I've done the best I can, but three years really makes a difference, and the bad tooth always gets food stuck in it. It's a wisdom tooth, and it didn't grow in quiet right.

And of course, my sinuses are going nuts because the gardeners out here will scalp lawns, no matter how many times scientists tell them it makes no difference if they plant seeds with or without scalping, except that with it people feel like crap. But I'm almost used to it.

Oh, I forgot. And I can't get a job. I hate this economy.

I think that's about it. I'm so tired. I've never slept well, and now I get to wake up at five. I call waking up at six 'sleeping in'! And I get to walk to the bus stop in the dark, which is rather unnerving.

I'm just glad I have my fiance to hold my hand and hug me when I need it, and a warm, fuzzy cat who loves to be held, and who cuddles with me when I need a nap. Otherwise I think I'd have snapped by now.

Some one do me a favor and tell me I'm being a whiney brat and to get over myself.

Actually, stress and hair turning white is an urban myth.

I understand that anxiety attacks are very painful. My cousin has been getting them his entire life, and they're always very powerful and very frightening. I also have a tendency to freak out and get very nervous over situations that are, in retrospect, not a big deal.

However, you need to take a deep breath and realize that your problems will not lead to the end of the world. They ARE problems, but they are only a bunch of small problems... they can easily be dealt with.

I think your primary concern is your stomach and your wedding coming up. The stomach... I have no idea what might be wrong, but I reccommend getting that checked out. If you're low on cash, perhaps you can search for a free clinic to get an exam at. But it's likely that all your stress is just making you hyper-aware of yourself, and it seems liek there's something wrong with you when there isn't. When I was very stressed, I'd get intense stomach pains and nausea; I couldn't even EAT, the pain was so bad. But once I relaxed, the problem went away. SO I'm guessing your symptoms are likely a result of high stress.

And of course, you're wedding is important because... it's your WEDDING. Even though it's a lot of work and very stressful, just keep in mind that it all leads to a wonderful outcome.

Basically? Just take a few deep breaths, and try to keep a positive attitude. Don't let those little things stack up and bother you, because a lot of those problems are temporary. You just got to keep pushing until you make it over the hill, and things will eventually even out and get a lot easier.

I know that it's very hard to do, but try not to let it get to you.

that's. so rough. your wedding ... wow. that would push me over the edge and I hardly get panic attacks.

any way you can get your meds adjusted?

how much do you weigh anyway?

Sorry I haven't gotten to respond. My brother and sister are moving in on the 19th (yup, it's official), and we've been making space for them. Man, am I ever sore... I'm trying to keep a positive attitude though. I'm tired, and I hurt like crazy, but at least I won't be the only one in the path of my mother's wrecking ball temper. Maybe my sibs will get a taste of what I've had to put up with for the past three years. Not that I want them to, but, well, it'd be nice, because one of them would tell mom she's a *ahem*. I won't, because she'll just bite my head off. She won't with them.

(This is a very long story, and would take forever to explain.)

I'm not on medication for my anxiety attacks. I should probably talk to my doctor about it, but I'm not going to. I take enough pills as it is, and I don't want to kill my liver.

And I weigh somewhere around 140 pounds, but don't hold me to that.

Sorry for the double post, but no one else has said anything, and I have news. I went to the dentist today, and I officially have five cavites, which was better than I feared. The one I knew wasn't good probably needs a crown, but I can deal with that, and I need to get rid of at least one wisdom tooth that's really badly impacted into my bad tooth. (maybe that's why it hurts so bad.)

Whew, for a minute there I thought I might be pregnant, because mom's dinner smelled positively noxsious, but she thought so too, so I should still be fine.

I don't know what was up with my piano teacher, but it appears to have passed, he's fine now. I feel bad about being a grump last week, but I haven't slept well recently, probably because I was worried about the dentist. It's a weight off my shoulders to have that done with. Now my only big worry is waiting for my sibs to get here. Woo.

Nothing new other than that. Math still sucks, my allergies are driving me up the wall, no one is hiring, and I still getting-married-god-help-me.

I love my fiance, and I love my cats.