So here's the deal. I have this ex-boyfriend who dumped me over the summer, saying it was a mistake to go out with me and that he never liked me, before he even actually said we should break up. Well, there were a lot of things wrong with how he broke up with me. But i'm completely over him, and i tried so hard to forgive him for hurting me, but no matter what I do, I still hate him. I don't understand why. (and he was my first boyfriend, if that makes any difference).

And the problem is, my current boyfriend is good friends with my ex-boyfriend. So my ex-boyfriend hangs out with my friends and me a lot, and I wish he didn't. Whenever my friends have parties, he gets drunk and flirts with girls. and this is weird because he used to never drink at all when he was going out with me. I don't know why it makes me so upset to see girls interested in him and to see him get drunk so often. I don't know why I care. Because i'm definitely not jealous. One of my friends says that it might always upset me to see that girls are interested in him. But i know it doesn't upset him in the least to see me with my boyfriend, so why should i care if he flirts with people?

I'm so stressed out about this for some reason. And I'm just gettign over the worst cold i've ever had, that i'm sure my stress made worse.
I don't want to just not hang out with my friends just because they like hanging out with my former boyfriend and I don't. My boyfriend suggests I talk to a psychologist about my hatred of my stupid former boyfriend, among other things. I'm starting to think he's right, that I should.

Does anyone else have an idea of what I should do to decrease the stress this is causing me, or have an idea why i care at all what he does and who he flirts with? Because I'm completely at a loss.

(and i'm 20 if anyone's going to ask. and so is my boyfriend. and my ex-boyfriend is 17, if any of that matters in your responses.)

It seems to me that the answer is very straightforward. You're not over him. Not completely, anyways. :)

I would just not hang out with him for a while to see if that helps. Maybe you just need some time alone and away from him. I know it helped me when I was mad over a friend of mine hanging out with this guy. It still makes me mad to see her hang out with him, but at least now it's not as bad since I told her I didn't want to hang out with the both of them together for a while.

Well it seems like maybe you think you are over him but you are not really. Perhaps you need to take some time with just your boyfriend. Find a great friend to vent with, maybe a hot bath, if your a reading person a book. If not find a good movie, some popcorn or junk food and sit down alone for a while. Play a new game or something. Just really spend a few hours alone where you can think yet still enjoy yourself. If your a person hwo can try meditating or doing deep breathing tricks. They do help a little if you get past the fact that sometimes they just seem stupid.

Whether you're completely over with him or not, I can see why you'd have those feelings.

Telling you that you were a mistake, that he never liked you... that can only be described as cruel, and I can see how it could have emotionally wounded you. If you have ever dealt with insecurities with yourself or self-consciousness, his words could have long-lasting ramifications.

Anyone who has treated you in such a fashion doesn't deserve healthy relationships, and I can completely understand how painful it would be to share mutual friends with him.

You may still have feelings for him. He was your first boyfriend; there may be certain aspects of yourself that you shared with him like you've never shared with anyone else. It's natural for it to be especially hard when your first relationship ends. If there is any part of you that lifts a bit whenever you see him, that hopes you'll cross his path... I recommend you try to keep your distance. If he's hurt you that badly before, he'll do it again. When the right person comes along, he won't ever call you a mistake.

@Zewlie
I'm not trying to pick a fight with you, so please don't take this in that fashion, but if you think it was unnecessarily cruel for him to tell her that it was a mistake to date her and that he never liked her, then what should he have told her. Do you honestly believe he should've lied to her to spare her feelings if that was how he honestly felt?

Moreover, he's just a kid. I'm sure in many ways they both were, but certainly capricious youth has to count for something in a decision like that, no?

Originally Posted by Brinne Tanneson

@Zewlie
I'm not trying to pick a fight with you, so please don't take this in that fashion, but if you think it was unnecessarily cruel for him to tell her that it was a mistake to date her and that he never liked her, then what should he have told her. Do you honestly believe he should've lied to her to spare her feelings if that was how he honestly felt?

Moreover, he's just a kid. I'm sure in many ways they both were, but certainly capricious youth has to count for something in a decision like that, no?

he shoudl have said "let;'s break up" and left it at that. That's what I would have preferred.

and thanks Zewlie, your post made a lot of sense. (well, thanks everyone for your responses for that matter) I know my boyfriend I'm going out with now will never hurt me because he's made it perfectly clear that he loves me for real, and i know my former boyfriend is just a scumbag who would no questions about it hurt me again (and i already knew right when he broke up with me that i'd never take him back even if he begged), and i try my best to keep my distance from him.

@aura, thanks for your suggestions. reading books does help me a lot.

Originally Posted by Mystic

I would just not hang out with him for a while to see if that helps. Maybe you just need some time alone and away from him. I know it helped me when I was mad over a friend of mine hanging out with this guy. It still makes me mad to see her hang out with him, but at least now it's not as bad since I told her I didn't want to hang out with the both of them together for a while.

yeah, i thought of not going to any parties he will be at. I'm sure that would help. Since parties that my friends have seem to be when his behavior annoys me the most.

I find it impossible to believe that, had he simply said "Let's break up plzkthx" you would've simply left it at that. I've never known a human who would. Even the most simple person ever would ask "why" and, given the circumstance (in retrospect), you'd be asking him to lie to you since you've stated that you don't want the truth.

@Brinne
Break-ups are stressful and often very hard on the person being broken up with, especially if they don't see it coming and it's their first relationship. If he never liked her, he shouldn't have lead her on by dating her. If he made a mistake and dated her anyway, he should have explained it in a way less hurtful but no less truthful. He could have said, "I just don't think we're right for each other." Nobody wants to be called a mistake, not in any context.

Originally Posted by Brinne Tanneson

I find it impossible to believe that, had he simply said "Let's break up plzkthx" you would've simply left it at that. I've never known a human who would. Even the most simple person ever would ask "why" and, given the circumstance (in retrospect), you'd be asking him to lie to you since you've stated that you don't want the truth.

and i find it hard to understand why anyone would want to know why they were being broken up with. so i found it cruel that he basically said why he was breaking up with me before he even said he was breaking up with me.

You don't sound over him, and possibly very hurt about what he did. You could try sorting it out with your ex, so that atleast if you see each other at parties, you can be civil with him instead of hatred. Seeing a psychologist can help, but in this situation it's best to confront the person involved.

Originally Posted by MedievalBeauty

You don't sound over him, and possibly very hurt about what he did. You could try sorting it out with your ex, so that atleast if you see each other at parties, you can be civil with him instead of hatred. Seeing a psychologist can help, but in this situation it's best to confront the person involved.

I actually already talked to him about it a while ago, but now he's such a jerk that I hate him anyway and it just makes my problems come back. If I were to talk to him, what would I say? "you're a jerk and I hate the way you act and I don't know who you are in social situations and it bothers me that girls are interested in you"? None of that is stuff he can do anything about. None of it is his fault.

somehow, though, last time I was with my friends and he was there, I did manage to control myself, so that's an improvement.

That's very good. You could say something like "I know we broke up but you are coming across as mean, if you don't wish to know me or be my friend, that's okay but would it be possible for us to be civil around each other so social situations don't become awkward.

o_0 I had a bit of the same problem. The best you can do is just talk with your current boyfriend about it, explain to him how it make you feel. And let him know that, maybe, it'd be best if you kept your distance from your ex for a while.

Originally Posted by Turtle Sensei

o_0 I had a bit of the same problem. The best you can do is just talk with your current boyfriend about it, explain to him how it make you feel. And let him know that, maybe, it'd be best if you kept your distance from your ex for a while.

When I said that, my boyfriend kept saying that by doing that i would be making him and all of our friends choose between my ex boyfriend and me, which i've been trying to avoid doing the whole time. And when I explained that no, i wasn't doing that at all, all he needed to do was to not invite me over when my ex will be there. But then he said I was making him decide by doing that, and even though I kept arguing that that wasn't what i was trying to do at all, he said "fine, i pick you. I won't hang out with him anymore." and I got really mad and said he shouldn't do that, that i've been trying to explain that he didn't need to pick one of us, and finally i said "fine, i'll find a way to deal with him."

The other day, actually, I wound up hanging out with my boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend at the same time and I managed to control myself and to not get angry, and he wasn't a jerk to me, but later, I was still upset at him and at myself.