So...my best friend is going to be gone for the weekend for a vacation. And I'm coming to realize just how much I depend on her as this starts...and honestly, I don't know how I'm going to deal with her absence.

See...sometimes I question if she and I are related somehow, just because she and I have so much in common, right down to physical traits, and there are plenty of unknowns in my family history to account for it. Ever since the day we started seriously talking she's been one of my best friends. We can and WILL talk to each other about anything and everything - from game obsessions to seemingly TMI physical crap to ranting about life in general when things get tough. Really she's the only one I can talk like this with. I also have my sister, who I can do this with to a degree...but the fact is, she and I are polar opposites in many aspects, so sometimes it...doesn't go as well. Not to mention she's a total worrywart and if I have anything to rant about with her...she starts to panic. :sweat:

The fact is, my situation is...a good bit screwed up right now. I'm generally happy, but sometimes...I do need a friend like her there to keep me from just completely flying off the handle.

My mom is battling cancer for the fourth time. It usually disgusts people to find out that I really don't care. I'm not going to rant on the whole details there...but basically, even my father can understand why I just don't care anymore. It's NOT that I'm a horrible cruel unfeeling person...but that she's a manipulative bitch, has been emotionally abusive since I was 11, thinks the world should revolve around her when she personally knows people who have it worse than her, gets mad at me when I TRY to be nice to her (I don't know why I ever still try), and so on and so forth.

I don't expect anyone to fully understand the issues we have, because really only my very closest friends do. I don't want any arguments on my mother, because believe me, the situation is complicated; please DON'T assume you understand, because unless you have known me WELL for quite some time, trust me, YOU DON'T understand even 1% of it.

Right now the tension in my family is reaching its peak...last time it got like this and I lost contact with the people who kept me stable through it, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. I REALLY don't want that to happen again.

It's even worse this time though, because last time I could just remove myself from the situation by going out somewhere. Over the past year, however, I have developed HORRIBLE sun sensitivity (I've ranted about this one a lot on here), therefore cannot go outside during the day.

I really DON'T have a hell of a lot to do at home. I have guitar practice, sure, and I can draw, but...if things go really crazy, neither really helps me to deal with it when the situation gets so stressful my only possible defense is to escape. She and I have this RP that we do; it's really primarily a long running joke, but it does help me to mentally remove myself from the stressful situation so I can at least be calm when we talk through it. I imagine I COULD try venturing into the roleplaying forums here just for the sake of calming down...but the problem is I am TERRIBLE about forum RPs; the ones that interest me seem to soon die from lack of interest; on the off-chance that one I like survives, I get writer's block soon or it moves so fast I get left behind...and I'm no good at coming up with workable plots of my own. D|

Other than that I have little to no way to actually deal with the stress at home. Thanks to having my friend around, I usually am extremely happy. especially given the situation...but I fear that things...might not go too great when she's not around.

What's bothering me even more though? I'm feeling jealous because she gets to go somewhere while I'm stuck with my situation. Let me just say right now that I HATE. FEELING. JEALOUS. It scares me, especially when it's not either party's fault. I've had EXTREMELY bad experiences born from others being jealous of me (not going into details); I HATE it more than ANYTHING when I start to feel that way toward someone else. Honestly I'd rather RELIVE the experiences I had that MADE me hate this feeling than feel this way toward my best friend.

This added tension AND the fact that I utterly DESPISE myself for it...doesn't make this situation any easier.

Above all, I'm worried about her coming back to...Minerva knows what. I can be...a total asshole when I let the stress get to me. And I hate it, because I can SEE what I'm doing and I HATE myself for it, but it's almost as if I'm not in control at all. I don't want to subject her to that when she gets back. .___.;
And to make it even better (note sarcasm)...when I get like that it stresses me out even more, so it basically becomes a sickening Ouroboros, constantly feeding off itself.

I'm well aware that it's quite sad how I've grown to depend on this one person...especially since I only know her online and likely won't be able to meet her for AT LEAST another two years. But the fact is, this IS the way things have gotten, and...well, I was hoping I'd have more time to prepare for it when this situation inevitably came up. :sweat:

Help? Please? @[email protected]

Try to find things to keep you busy. Keep your mind active. Be it cleaning, reading, homework or work thats needed to be done. It isn't healthy to rely on your friend so much, even if your life is hard at this moment. That's a lot of pressure on her.

See, that's half the problem...I don't really have much to keep me busy. I can't clean without my mother complaining at me about how I'm doing it wrong (even if I do it exactly the way she does...don't ask me why, because honestly I don't get it either), I don't have anything to read at the moment and there's very little available at the local library, I'm not in school so there's no homework...and I DO have a huge project I'm working on, but I need my dad's help with it. Maybe I can poke him into helping me out over the weekend, and I'm definitely gonna try it (it would also probably be a pleasant surprise for my friend to come back to see it finished, since it's from a shared fandom of ours), but...knowing my mom, she may "need" help while we're out working.
Fact is there's very little that we can do that she can't at this point, and nothing that would be urgent, but should ANY situation arise, she'll raise hell. >.>;

I DO plan to try to keep myself busy to the best of my ability...unfortunately I don't know how well that will work. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll find myself a new hobby or something...but like I said, there's really not a hell of a lot I can do.

I always feel bad for putting so much pressure on her, but really it's just a part of how we get along - we share pretty much everything, both good and bad.

Still, I'm really going to be TRYING to keep myself busy.Hopefully what i can come up with on my own will be enough.

I'm pretty useless as far as coming up with new advice, but I just wanted to wish you good luck keeping busy. Maybe there are other friends that you could talk to/IM that you don't know as well, but are still nice people to talk to?

And I agree with Grenadier about this not being healthy (assuming you weren't exxagerating about not being able to function without her). I think, given your situation, it's extremely normal to feel this way, but it's still not healthy. Overdependency often comes from not having enough faith in your own abilities because your caretakers didn't/don't have enough faith in them. Of course, I could be reading into it way too much (and sorry if I am). But the truth is, these kinds of things happen. Putting so much pressure on a person (even if they're encouraging it) really isn't healthy.

And if you were looking for opinions on how you feel about your mom's cancer, I don't see anything wrong with you feeling that way. If you give manipulative people your pity, often they'll use it to walk all over you. Sometimes things that sound cruel, like not caring, are things you have to do to save yourself.

I kind of know how it is, when you're used to someone being around to talk to all the time it's hard to keep busy when they're not there. But it's not impossible. And it's just a weekend. That's only a few days. I'm guessing it's for Thanksgiving so it would be a little longer than a regular weekend but it still isn't that long. My boyfriend was away last weekend with his family. It's an online relationship (but we visit each other in real life when we can) so we always talk to each other online everyday. I was fortunate enough that he had internet in the hotel he was at, but for three days he was out all day with his family and he only got online at night when they were back at the hotel. And he was so tired from being busy all day he would go to sleep early, so I didn't have a lot of time to talk to him. So I had to find other things to do, and it wasn't that hard. I ended up playing my DS a lot, and talking to other friends online. My real life friends weren't really around during the weekend (I ended up seeing them Monday, after my boyfriend got back. Go figure). Anyway, do you have any video games you could play? Or any real life friends you could do something with? Maybe Christmas shopping to do? XD Does your online friend have a cell phone you could call to talk to her, or any internet access where she's going, even if it's only for an hour or two? I called my boyfriend a few times while he was away and we texted each other some too. If nothing else, there's always stuff online. You've got Menewsha at least. It really won't be as long as it seems, she'll be back before you know it. I think it's actually kind of healthy when things like this happen and you need to find other activities. It isn't really good to get too clingy to someone, I used to be kind of bad about that with my boyfriend and now as long as I get to talk to him for a little bit each day, I don't have to be talking to him the entire day and I can have fun doing other things as well. Plus I like to give the internet a rest and do things away from the computer sometimes because I spend way too much time on it as it is.

Well, the weekend was supposed to be over by yesterday...but so far she's not back. And...lameass that I am, I'm worried half to death, even though I know it's probably just:

- Weather trouble
- Internet trouble
- Thanksgiving plans taking more time than expected
- (most likely) Some combination of the above

Sadly, I suffer immensely from CWS - Chronic Worrywart Syndrome. That's something I've still gotta work on. :sweat:

But...so far I have been managing fairly well. I have resisted the urge to choke the living shit out of my mother, though I've taken more of my headache medicine than I've taken in a LONG time...but that's to be expected. I got bored out of my skull and started replaying Crisis Core on hard mode from the beginning, which has given me a decent challenge...stubborn as I am, that's kept me busy. XD; I've been drawing a bit more (and failing a lot, since most of my ideas that I want to draw are way beyond my skill level right now...but hey, it's good practice), and I've even come up with a couple of roleplay ideas that I'm considering starting up here. Hopefully since I've had more practice in one-on-one/very small group chat roleplays, I'll have an easier time making them live longer than two days...

I will admit I've done some stupid things. Most notably, I rewatched my favorite (and at the same time least favorite) movie. At night. With no one around.
When it was over, I found myself bawling, clinging to a poster on my wall, thinking about things I REALLY don't like to think about...and I haven't been sleeping too well since. :sweat: But...even from that, my sister and I came up with some awesome ideas that we're gonna have a lot of fun with, AND I discovered that I may not need an operation I thought I was gonna need.

I'm heading off to spend Thanksgiving with my sister in a couple of hours, so...that will hopefully also make for a nice distraction. :yes:

I'm amazed at how different things have STAYED since this summer. Actually, though I realized that those events had changed my outlook on a lot of things, I almost feel like what happened then is still going on. So far, it looks like I got so worried about what happened last time that I forgot that I'd changed a bit. :sweat:

Hehe, when routine is broken, little details come to surface ^_^
Phantom! I. Know. You. Well not really but Menewsha is such a small place I tend to see the same usernames over and over again xD I'm happy you survived the weekend [even though you had some help *coughmedicinecough*], and hope your friend comes back soon :) I bet she's well, and want to see you in the same mood :P

PS: Good luck with life worrywart! xD

. . . I wish my father would die.

All of the time and I'm way too emotionally dependant on my mother, I fall apart when she leaves, so maybe I understand to some degree. She's been away for a week now, and I'm stuck here with him.
My father is verbally abusive and manipulative, and he can get away with it, because to the rest of the world, my father is some sucessful man who has to deal with his unstable wife. But I won't get into that here, because I make too many things about me already.

Is there anyone else you can hang out with while your friend is gone? If not, I understand, until recently I hadn't found some friends who were right for me, and I didn't have many ople before that. Not being around is best, really, because then your mother can't abuse you, but it's hard to do.

Edit- I didn't check dates x3 Good job getting through it. I've got one day left myself.