bad for my esteem...?
 

I've been putting off posting anything anywhere about this issue because I thought it was something I could deal with myself without anyone's words. I hate outside influences, especially when it ends up hurting a relationship let it be a friendship or more. In any case this is about my boyfriend. I do love him dearly. He's the nicest and most loyal guy I have ever met. He makes me happy and I love being around him. I've been with him for about 6 months and it's flown by like it's only been a week. My problem though.... is the fact that he is attracted to skinny white girls. I'm asian so I'm nothing that he really likes physically. I don't have pale skin, I don't have light colored eyes or big doe eyes. I don't have wavy or wild hair. I don't have small bones and no fat. I'm a skinny little asian girl. He loves me because I am attractive as a person, I'm smart, I'm nice, and I'm tolerant. And I know it's not his fault for liking and being attracted to the girls that he is... but it's just the past few months I've noticed a dramatic drop in my self esteem. And this is where we get to the long story and where I think people are gonna stop reading XD I just need to get it out there somewhere.

Two girls, let's call them P and S. P has known him for six years and all that time he's had a thing for her physically. She's 95lb and pale. He loves the way she looks. S has been friends with him for a few years now and again she's skinny and pale and a red head. S wants him but never admitted it before, I knew it was denial. He always went out with S for hours on end... it always made me cry because she was the only person he'd go out with without me or even thinking about inviting me. Only her. It was their special time together.... It always hurt me because of how much I knew he liked her though I trust him not to do anything that's why I let him. A few weeks ago in her time of need he went to cheer her up. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and he moved back to the east coast. They were gone for 5 hours. He admitted to me that she made a moves on him, tried to kiss him, grope him, be close to him. I know he indulged himself a little... and it hurts... He also admitted that he rejected her when she tried to grope him. Wanted just to be friends because of me. But he also admitted that he regrets one thing... that he'll never be with a girl who so skinny and white and beautiful to him....... I'm grateful to him that he rejected her... Now he wants to start being artistic and take pictures. He asked if I would model for him if he did I said of course. Only a few hours later (he's at work so he asked texting) he asked if it'd be alright if he took pictures of P too.... On his computer already he has maybe 3-5 pictures of me and over 60-70 of P that I know of..... He's a voyeur so he likes keep pictures...... It just hurts to know that I'm never the one that people think is pretty though I'm not unattractive. I'm very cute and small... but I'm not beautiful. I'm a silver medal. It's always been like that and I know that if I say ok to him taking pictures of P, that's all he'll want to do.... He'll have both of us dress up for a shoot, but she'll have double if not triple or more pictures taken of her. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. Many many many other people have done this to me in my life. It's not my fault I was born in my race and ethnicity, but it hurts because no one thinks I'm pretty or thinks of me first. I'm always second.

Update (warning some adult content) 3/11:
I now find myself crying sitting here typing this. He's off at work right now and accidentally left his phone... I looked at his pictures.... bad idea on my part..... I found 13 pictures of P, most of them I didn't know about and 4 of them in her bra and one of them without (I knew about the 3 bra ones and the one nude one).... So she's been sending him pictures and talking to him... now I have to explain another bit of P I left out before. I had pushed for a threesome with P a while ago. It got to naked making and fooling around. It happened on weekend but then P found B, a guy that my boyfriend has known for a long long time. S had also earlier cheated on her boyfriend with B. P was now choosing B over my boyfriend so he was hurt and let her go. Now that B is slowly neglecting P and pushing her away it seems like she's been trying harder and harder to keep in touch with my boyfriend. I know, because she had admitted to me, that she really likes my boyfriend but doesn't think it would work between them. I think again this is denial. She had told my boyfriend that she could never think of him more than a brother or father figure because of his relationship with her sister he had, but I think she was coaxed into that by B. Now she doesn't talk to me, she'll send both of us a text of 'how are you?' and then we will both reply and only he will get a conversation. She has stopped txting me all together. He plans on hanging out with B tomorrow and with B is P and I don't know if I'm invited because he doesn't like me being around B. The reason for that is because he likes P and S and they both picked B over him and he is afraid I will too. Now I'm sitting here crying because I've found these pictures... he has so many of them on his computer and now on his phone too. I've sent him pictures too, but he has only saved a very small handful of them... maybe 4....

update 3/14:
another update. I found 3 more pictures on his cell sent to him by P. all clothed sent to him on the 13th... this time my heart just throbbed in my chest.... I expected as much... l

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Don't feel bad because you're Asian (easier said than done I know). Tons of people would love to trade places with you. Personally, I'd love to have almond shaped eyes like some Asians do.

I agree with Aire, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. I'd also tell him that you don't want him taking pictures of P and that you don't want him hanging out with her without you there. You gave them the benefit of the doubt and they broke your trust. Yes, it's good that he admitted it, but what's to stop it from happening again?

And if he can still only think about how he wants to be with a skinny white girl after you talk to him, maybe he's not the one for you. Even if that is the case though, it's his problem, not yours.

As having been a skinny white pale girl (not at the moment, tough, lol, well, not the skinny), I would love to look or be asian sometimes, so don't think you're not pretty because he likes that type better. It happens. A lot of my boyfriends have liked girls who looked different than me (skinnier, taller, less alternative, more alternative, blonde hair, brown hair, black hair, etc.) Guys are just stupid like that, really and they don't always realized that it even effects us. (Even stupider).

I agree with everyone else here, talk to him. Personally? I wouldn't stay with him, but even though I say that, I probably would. I don't know him, and the fact that he was honest about it speaks honest, but whether he intends to cheat on you or do anything with her or not, it's not only affecting you, but it's probably giving her the wrong idea! She might try something again!

So, you definitely need to talk to him, and if he isn't willing to compromise, end it. I can't tell you how many times I've regretted being the only one to compromise. Don't let him take advantage of how trusting you are! It's not fair to you.

We've talked about it before a little, but it's not like it's his fault... and he's had issues with his crazy ex he had for 5 years over pictures and girls a lot and he loves me for not being like that....

Maybe wanting to take pictures of other women isn't his fault, but he made out with another woman. He cheated. I'm sure that it's true that he loves that you aren't the suspicious type, but let's face it, even the unsuspicious type would be suspicious by now. I don't think that he deserves to be given the same benefit of the doubt now that he was given before. It's not the same as being "crazy" to be jealous at this point or to not want him to hang out with certain girls. He's proved that he can't handle it.

(Sorry if I'm out of line. This is just the type of advice I would give to a friend in your situation.)

It's important in a strong relationship for there to be no resentment, and that is what your feelings may turn into if you two do not work this out. I don't think I could be with a man, personally, if they did not find me physically attractive. Tell him how much this hurts, do not be silent about this. Voice your emotions.

@ Juniper Silver: No I can understand where you are coming from and I would say the same thing really to a friend. But he said that he has learned his 'lesson' about being with certain girls alone (the 'lesson' though was taught by me walking outside for 2 hours at 10pm in freezing weather when he went out last with S and that whole situation happened. I had a feeling it would happen knowing little about S I saw it coming. I felt suffocated in my house so I went for a walk.)

@ PennieLain: He says I am attractive... but to me it's like the difference between a diamond and hematite. Hematite is very pretty, but it's weak, breaks easily, and very very cheap. Diamonds are strong, clear, sparkling, last for years, and are very very expensive. But I am attractive he says... it just hurts knowing the difference and he can't change that.

I really need help now because of that update... I can't stop crying...

Can you see the date when she sent him the pictures? If it's recent, I 100% agree with Kah Hilzin-Ec. I'm inclined to agree with her even if they weren't sent recently. This relationship doesn't sound like it's good for you emotionally. I know that it's really hard to end things with someone you love, but you should at least consider the pros and cons. I think you'd be unhappy without him for a while, but then you'd have the chance to move on.

I'd say talk to him, but you already have right? You've told him how all this makes you feel and he's not taking you seriously enough to stop screwing around with other girls. It makes me really angry that he's treating you that way because you seem like a sensitive and nice person. Again, my advice is to end it and find someone who treats you with more respect and doesn't spend huge amounts of time lusting after other women.

Yes he lusts.... I've talked to him about it, but I don't think he knows just how bad it is. And whenever we do talk about it he gets offended because he tries to tell me all the time how 'hot' I am. You have to understand that that word along with 'cute' aren't words really that I consider serious. Words like 'Gorgeous' and 'beautiful' have more impact to me. And he has described at least P as gorgeous before I knew her and before he thought he'd be back in contact with her. He's not trying to treat me this way on purpose I know that. Oh and last pictures were from Feb 13 I think.

Well, the bigger part of why this relationship isn't good for you in my eyes is the first part of my statement. Respect. He's cheated. The words that he uses to describe you vs. other women seem little compared to that (to me).

You could try talking to him more seriously about this stuff (make sure you include the cheating too, if that bothers you). He might not be doing it on purpose, but he is doing it. He has no right to be offended if you tell him not to hang out with those two women alone. In my mind, he forfeited the right to do that when he cheated. I'm having a hard time keeping my strong personal opinions out of this if you can't tell. But seriously, I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and love him, but if I knew that he'd made out with someone else and then found naked pictures of other women that he knew in real life on his cell phone, it'd be over.

It's alright, I understand standing being a strong opinion. He technically didn't cheat and I can't bring that up because as much as it does hurt I did something worse. When we were just 'friends with benefits' I liked this guy down in Portland. He knew that. So when down there that guy and I fooled around a bit and I regretted it afterwords and haven't talked to him since for my guy, but I still did something worse.... And I don't want him to know that I looked through his phone....

I don't know... like I said we've talked about it before, quite a few times, but never really finished because we'd wander off or I cowered out. I think I'm just going to pretend it never happened for now... and see what happens. I don't think I'll be able to let him have pictures of me anymore though... because I know he won't keep them anyways and he'll still collect pictures of the other girls.... I know I'm not pretty enough for him to do something like that..... he takes all of their myspace pictures even.... of course I'm not pretty.........

You really need to tell him everything that you've told us. Even if he doesn't want to hear it, then end it - explain to him that you feel that his disrespect towards you and your relationship is not what you want. Tell him that he has abused your trust when you allowed him to hang out with other girls without you present. He's cheated, he's taken pictures of another girl that he's lusting for, & even moved those said pictures to his cell phone. If he wants to make this relationship work, then you should tell him that he is not allowed to hang out with other girls UNLESS YOU ARE PRESENT. Do NOT be a doormat anymore and DO NOT feel sorry for him just because he had problems with his ex. He's gotten way out of line. Personally, you don't need men like that in your life. A relationship shouldn't hurt you this way - he shouldn't be lusting for other girls AND TELLING YOU that he prefers any other physical type but yours.

You also need to tell these girls, especially P, that you do not feel comfortable with them hanging out with your boyfriend anymore. Tell P you know what she has done & that it is a major disrespect to your friendship. No girl, especially a friend, should chase down a boy they know isn't available.

And you're not a silver medal - you're just as good as gold. I also think Asian girls are one the prettiest girls out there - I mean, I envy my Asian friends all the time!
Just remember that there are different types of physical beauty & you're just as beautiful as S and P - if not better. Your boyfriend doesn't deserve you. Period.

another update. I found 3 more pictures. all clothed sent to him on the 13th... this time my heart just throbbed in my chest....

If you feel you are too scared to let him know about how you feel, then you should opt for a break in the relationship. Tell him you need time to think about things & advise him not to contact you until you feel you can see him. This may however, allow him to go see P and other girls if you choose to do this. But opting for a break in the relationship allows you to think things through on your own without any intervention from him. I think this would be the best option, if anything; a break still means "you're together" but are taking "time apart from one another".
This may also give you the confidence to tell him how you feel. Time is a helpful aid in this predicament - use it.
And please don't ignore this. Ignoring it will just allow him to continue to do what he was doing with P. It will also worsen your esteem - this isn't a healthy relationship & he needs to know that.
Remember, you shouldn't be second best to your boyfriend when it comes to girls. There shouldn't even be other girls in this picture!

It's obvious that you've been hurt, and the relationship isn't going well. You're not happy anymore, so I think you should give the relationship a break. Tell your bf that you need sometime alone to think about things, because it sounds like you do. If your boyfriend isn't being loyal to you (he's cheating, don't lie to yourself, hun), you obviously either need to leave him, or give him some time to think about what he's and what you've done. More over, what you haven't done. I think you should have asserted yourself sooner then this over the other girl- tell her that you don't appreciate her attentions on him while you're dating him and making it clear that you don't like cheating by dropping strong hints. It's okay to be jealous and assertive sometimes, just don't do it all the time. Your passive behaviour only made it easier to cheat, to be completely honest.

I think you should take a break and think about it for a while. Be completely honest to yourself- Is he what's best for you? Will the benifits outway the negatives? Is the pain worth it? Is the risk woth it? How much am I willing to risk if we continue dating? Am I willing to accept that he's a cheater, and he'll probably cheat on me again? Will the relationship even go anywhere, considering how little trust I can put in him?

He gets brownie points for being somewhat honest with you, but otherwise, I really think you should leave him. Or atleast stop to think about it for a while. If you're boyfriend can't wait for you over the break, or bother to think over your relationship, then it's pretty much obvious he's not the guy for you.If he can't even wait for you while you figure things out between you two.... then he doesn't deserve you.

I hope my advice can help, even a little bit. =]

I wouldn't really say that the problem really... "resolved" but it's not really there anymore. You see I was right about S. She wanted him on her own time. When her boyfriend her and her broke up and moved away she looked to him for comfort.... They were out for 5 hours that night, it was a terrible night for me... I had seen him a total of an hour or two after he had gotten back from work before he ran to her side until well into the night. He told me that night that they had a big argument. When I ask about it he told me that she had tried things to get close all night. Touch him, hug him a lot, very affectionate, then she tried to kiss him and even bit him and left a mark, then she um touch his "junk" when he was driving her home. He was hurt that she didn't want to come and stay with us, but I know why. She wanted him all to herself... off the point. He told her they were better off friends I guess and then they got into a big argument about something. What I'm not sure. P on the other hand ended up with B and I guess they both ended up having a big problem with us... Other drama that I don't need to add. just know that this issue isn't really resolved, but the persons that were causing me this distress have been... "removed" or at least temporarily...