Every year, for the past 3 years, my friend has had a summer fling. And every year she has gotten hurt somehow. She used to be my best friend, but I don't know anymore. This year she managed to get someone who is moving very fast, faster than she's comfortable with, but she isn't admitting anything and claims it's okay because it was a moment thing. I know something bad is going to happen but she makes it hard to help. She's spending all her time talking with this guy and she hardly talks to me anymore. At this point I didn't even bother to try talking to her since every time I asked what she was doing she'd reply with talking to my boyfriend. I just feel like I'm interrupting something so I don't even want to try. She refuses to listen to anything I say and it's making me mad.

The worst part was when she first started going out with him. She'd only known him for one or two weeks and had only talked to him for three days. After that he asked her out and she said yes right away. This just irritates me because she said yes without even thinking. She went into a relationship without even asking me for any thoughts on it, regardless of anything that I might have thought. That's the part that bothers me, before we used to be so tight we'd share everything. And now none of us share anything, mostly me because I hardly see her as a friend anymore, and most definitely not a best friend.

I just feel hurt that she doesn't seem to care what I think of her boyfriend. And it's true that I don't like who she's going out with. He just seems to be moving way to fast and I don't feel comfortable with it. Since that person is also much older than her and acting like their relationship is like sacred sand and must be treaded on carefully. I mean he's already made "future" plans with her, and in inviting her to events that are ages away. He acts like their relationship is going to last a really long time and that he's so serious about her but they're been going out for hardly a week! He seems suspicious to me and I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing by ending it with my friend. I think that if she wanted to keep me as a friend she would have tried harder and valued my opinion. And you have to earn my friendship, I'm not just friends with anyone. I'm the type of person that looks at friendships with an equal eye. I would want a person to place me where I place them. If I look at them very highly and value their opinion greatly I would want the same from them. But if they treat me like she has, I don't think I would want to be her friend for much longer.

Oh dear.

The ol' friend isn't listening to me problem. Well, Luna, I would say that love is one of those things that blinds the smitten, and disables them from being able to look at what they are doing objectively.

I would tell you to give your friend some time. Sometimes these relationships work themselves out. Sometimes they don't. Either way, it will be your friend that has to decide, and it will be your friend that has to take the blows when and if things go sour. At that time, if it happens, the best of friends (This would be you, hopefully) will be there to provide the understanding they'll need then.

And try to listen to her if that happens. The only thing worse than coming off a crappy relationship is your best friend telling you 'HA! I TOLD YOU SO!'.

:)

Edit: Oh yeah, as for you, well... hopefully you have someone else you can hang out with in the meantime? Sounds like you're a bit lonely without your friend, or maybe it's my impression?

I agree with Tellah on this one, There isn't much you can do. This has happened to me before with a friend. There is nothing you can do but, don't let it get to you, I mean she probably won't learn if she hasn't seen the pattern yet already herself.

Just hang out with some other people, and try and make the most of your summer. You only have so long until you've grown up and don't have anymore free summers.

Okay, thank you both very much for your wise words. I'll just hang out with other people for now and hopefully she'll come around.

It sounds like you care about your friend very much, otherwise you wouldn't be hurting as much as it seems you are.

I wish I could say that people listen, but they don't. Even when friends get "gut feelings" and they "know" that something isn't okay, sometimes the other person just needs to be burned and learn.

It's a hard thing to sit around and watch. I wonder if your friend is even conscious of how much she's isolating you from her? *ponders*

Right now it seems like every time I talk to her she's avoiding the topic. She refuses to let me meet her boyfriend saying that we'll rub the wrong way. She keeps trying to talk to me but she always avoids that one topic. Even if she avoids it, it doesn't make it go away. She just doesn't want to confront it so I'm at a loss. I guess I will just have to watch, thanks for the great insight.

There really isn't anything you can do for her, unfortunately. Clearly she's just not hearing your opinion on her boyfriend... you'll just have to let her learn for herself. You can't force her to not date him, clearly.

You can tell her how her treatment of you is making you feel, though. You can explain to her that completely disregarding your opinion is hurtful to you... chances are, she doesn't really mean to hurt you, she's just blinded by that irritating infatuation phase.

Thank you for the advice. I don't think that she knows what's going on. She's just busy with her boyfriend and such. He's told her that he loves her at least 3 times but she doesn't think it's a big deal. He's taking this relationship very seriously but she doesn't see it quite like that. She hasn't told him that she loves him because she thinks it's a big deal for her personally, just not for her boyfriend to say it to her.

Just to give you a different perspective, I was on the opposite end of this situation once. I had just started dating someone and my close friend kept telling me that she didn't like him, that I shouldn't be dating him, etc. She never blatantly said "you have to break up with him or I'm not your friend anymore", but it really felt like that's what she was implying. I'm not trying to say that's what you're doing at all, I just want to let you know how hurtful it can be when it feels like someone (even someone you love and respect) is bossing you around. Try to be careful about how you word things so that it doesn't seem like you're saying "it's him or me". Of course, she should be considerate of you too and not ask you to hang out with someone you don't like.

I understand the need to speak up when you really don't like the person, but sometimes gut reactions can be wrong. In the same way that someone might just be too infatuated to see the truth, someone else might feel like whoever dates their best friend could never be good enough. I'm still with the same guy that my friend warned me about, we've been together for almost 5 years. Things are going really well and he's honestly been there for me a lot more than the friend who was so worried about it in the first place.

Are things going any better so you are getting to spend some time with your friend? Maybe you could make specific plans with her so that you will be able to know for sure that you'll be able to hang out. Whenever someone gets busier with anything (school, work, sports, other friends), it is harder to just call them up anytime and hang out right away. Making plans is a pain in comparison, but it's better than not having any time together.

Thank you very much for the input. I don't really think that I want to hang out with her anymore because it's just getting tiring putting up with this every year. The first year this happened her boyfriend and I outright didn't click. He started swearing at me like there was no tomorrow and insulted me a whole lot. He was just an awful person and they broke up after about 2 months. The second one was last summer and that was a huge problem. That time I actually knew the person and things didn't end well. Last summer I actually told her she was going to have to choose between having me as her friend of him as her boyfriend because that was really bad. That guy was practically my mortal enemy and there was no way I was standing hanging out with the two of them as the third wheel. After a few weeks though, they broke up and neither of them will admit to have ever being in a relationship with each other. I think it's ridiculous because she won't admit to ever going out with the guy because she knows that I was right but won't own up to it. With her current guy I feel like I"m being replaced by him and that he's a threat. So I would rather be out of her life than trying to share it with that guy. When she values his opinion more than mine it just makes me not want to be in that situation. Last summer with the other guy she was about to choose her boyfriend over me. And that really made me mad because I've been her best friend since kindergarten and she'd known the guy for only half a year. And now the same thing is repeating over again except this time she's only known the guy for a few weeks.

That does sound extremely frustrating, especially since it's happened more than once. I'm guessing she's probably embarrassed to admit that she ever dated guy #2. I'm sure she knows that you were right, but who really wants to admit it when they've had terrible judgment?

Is there something actually wrong with the third guy though, or are you against him only because you feel like you're being replaced? Have you tried talking to your friend about it as calmly as possible? Maybe you should try to make a list of ways that you feel replaced and bring up the most important ones with her so that she can make an effort. For example "I feel like I don't get to hang out with you as much"...then she could make a bigger effort to make plans with you. Writing a note might help you get across what you really want to say more than talking. It gives you time to really think about what you want to say and gives her time to digest it.

If you've been friends since kindergarten, try not to worry so much. He isn't truly taking over in every way. She probably doesn't even value his opinion more than yours. I know that sometimes when my friends aren't getting along, I tend to side more with the friend that I'm not talking to at the time. I feel defensive when my friends don't like each other. If person A said "I don't know why you put up with this thing that person B does", I'll try to explain what person B is thinking and why it's understandable that they're doing what they're doing. If person B said something about person A later, I'd defend them too. So to the person I'm talking to, it might seem like I'm siding more with the other person, but that's not necessarily the reality of it. I hope this is making sense, I feel like I'm rambling a bit xD.

Also, when my friend was trying to force me to choose between her and my boyfriend, it made me resentful of her and it made me appreciate that my boyfriend wanted me to spend more time with her and work things out. I don't think I'm the only person who would resent having to choose. And I'm not even 100% sure that these things apply to your situation, they're just possibilities to consider.

Of course, the advice isn't really important if you truly don't want to be friends with her anymore. Edit: I thought about it a bit and I'm almost positive that I'm projecting what happened to me onto what's happening to you. Take my advice with a grain of salt, because your circumstances might be completely different than mine were.

Thanks a bunch for the insight, this is helping me a great deal. The thing is this reminds a bit of the one and only fight we've ever had before these flings started. So this was a really big fight where we actually ended up hating each other. After that ended because I wrote her an apology letter saying how much I missed having her in my life etc. Right after this big make-up she told me that she gotten her first boyfriend. At first I was really excited for her and was very happy and wanted to know everything and meet him. But when I met him he of course didn't take a liking to me and totally bashed me. My friend didn't do one thing to defend or even try to stop the fight. All she did was leave the chatroom, seeing as how it was a long distance relationship I'd never be able to meet him face to face. This time around she won't even let me meet her boyfriend, if I met him things might have been different. And this time I feel like I don't miss her quite as much as I did before. It's like I don't need her this time around. Maybe it's time to just be done with her and her relationships. It doesn't seem like she really misses me at all seeing as how she's much too preoccupied with her boyfriend.