Menewsha Avatar Community - Sister Problems

Okay, before I can tell you my current problem, I have to start with other things that might be important to your decision making. So here goes:

When I was almost 5, I saw a timid girl who was happy in the store even when her brother was mean to her and even when she didn't get what she wanted. I decided I wanted to be like that. I didn't even know the word for it then, but I knew I wanted to be like it. So in the fall of 1996, I finally made my goal - I was timid. I thought.

I was definitely gullible, though.

When I was 6... actually, 7, because this had to have happened after my birthday... I'd already spent my $10 I'd received for my birthday. My step-brother got that much for his birthday, too. We're 2 months and 11 days apart and I'm older, though maybe not mentally so, and we always got our birthday cards early with the $10 bill in them. Well, my step-brother used his up and wanted mine. I didn't give it to him. Another bullying case, yeah yeah.

Sometime in the end of summer/beginning of fall,my step-brother started molesting me. I knew what he was doing. I let him. I knew... I just wanted to trust him.

When I was 7-9, I watched my first horror movies: Alien. They weren't as scary to me, though, as Killer Clowns from Outer Space, or whatever that movie was called, when I saw it at night when I was about to try some venison for the very first time, when I was 8. Why did I watched teh Alien movies? I wanted to hang out with dad.

Around the time I turned 9, I was tired of my step-dad's "emotional meanness". That is to say, he didn't know how to talk like a dad to his daughter, but knew how to talk rudely, like a jerk, when I was disobedient and such. Which was a lot, considering I didn't like him. And then it got worse - I was already bad at actually cleaning my room, but then I'd stalling at the dishes for quite a while, every time I had to wash them. Sometimes it even took me 3 days to get started on washing them. I was acting out of spite... corners didn't work, even when I was standing in the corner holding a heavy book above my head; spankings from Mom or him didn't work, with the hand, with a book, with a spanking paddle; grounding me didn't work, either. So he took a plastic tube out of a kids' science kit thing (it looks like a tube that you used to manually suck water out of a fishtank with when you're about to clean the fishtank) and spanked my leg with it (and yes I did get a scratch). That was the start.

When I was 9 - 11, I told a lot of lies, and even intentionally got my little Sister into trouble. I'd also scratched her twice, pulled her haira lot of time, and sometimes even punched her once.

One time, sometime between the ages of 13 and 15, I was alking out of a room and Sis was annoying me, and the next thing I know, I've smacked her across the cheek. No thought to it. I just did.

When I was 14, he spanked me with a thin, long, light piece of wood. It actually did sting a little. When I turned back around, I had tears in my eyes because it stung, and he told me not to look at him that way, the reason I was spanked and crying was my fault, so why should I cry when I knew I'd done something wrong? The reason for the spanking, by the way, was because I'd hid a dish in a cupboard under the sink in the mudroom and it had gotten moldy.
By that time, also, I'd hurt my sister alot, emotionally and physically. And I do mean a lot. It was several times every month, at least.

One time, when I was 15, my step-mom had told her son he was grounded. She was at work and Dad wasn't doing anything about my step-brother tryign to leave to hang with his friends, so of course I had to meddlewith the situation. I blocked the doorway. He comes up to me, all egotistical and smart, and it was if my thoughts were blurry... and I just.... pushed him. He slid across the kitchen floor!

By the time I was 15, I was stalling at dishes for a week before starting on them, and wasn't good about doing any other chore, either. If he was mad enough, he hit my back once or twice. There were at least two points in my life by then where he actually hit my back several times - once, I fell on the floor, and he told me to get up, and I was scared and didn't, so he spit at me and left the room. Mom went and calmed him down, or argued with him for my sake, or whatever, like she had before. Also, I think it was that year, he smacked me so hard that, caught offguard, I fell on the floor (and so did my glasses, but that was okay, it was a time when I was actually wearing them for once). He accused me of trying to make him pity me, ordered me to stand, and when I did he smacked me again. This time, I admit, I did fall on the floor on purpose, because I thought if I did he'd get mad and leave the room. He didn't. He told me to stand, and when I didn't, he picked me up by the arm, and smacked me again. This made me angry, but I didn't dare glare at him, either.
Also by this time I'd gotten him angry at me purposely a few times because I was scared he might hit Sis. Why not? I mean, he was already emotionally cruel to her.

I think I was 15 when my and Sis's Uncle and then-Aunt to a waterpark; I was on the tubes that look like plastic, coloured, cheerios or froot loops or something, and trying to adjust my position when I fell through the hole in the middle! I had my thoughts, but it was as if my eyes were closed and I was under a blanket at night, it was so black, then when I got my vision back, I was verrrrrrrrrrry uber-slowly turning in circles, I'd say summersaulting but I was curled in an almost-ball and just turning like that, for a couple of turns before my Aunt was there bringing me up to the surface. I gasped for breath - but I didn't need it. When I thought back on what I was thinking about in the water, it was if my thoughts were faint, and I was thinking something or other about breathing underwater and mermaids, or whatever.

One time I was stalling at the dishes and Sis walked into the kitchen and we got into an arguement... then I pushed her before I even thought about pushing her and she flew into the pantry (double sliding door, shelves lining it, the door was open)!

I think it was when I was 15 that I watched The Ring. And on a different night I watched the end of a horror movie I don't know the name of on the Sci-Fi channel, and afterwards, on the same night, I watched Mimic II. Then I realized I enjoyed scary movies.

When I was 16, in the beginning of summer, I found out (after much suspicion) that he was divorcing Mom. By the time I turned 17, Mom and Sis and I were moving in to our own apartment.

Now my Sister, 13, treats me and Mom like crap and talks about her dad like he's just some super-awesome dude who's really cool and has a good heart.
She tells Mom what to do a lot, like... for example, she's actually said these things to Mom before:
"You shouldn't be arguing with me. So shut up."
"So stop arguing with me."
"Be quiet."
"Just... go. Do something else, but go and leave me alone. Go use the computer!"
"Go. Sit down. NOW."
She tells me that stuff too, but also kicks me and hits me and slaps me and pinches me. I can't take it. I know I should after what I've done to her, but I literally CANNOT take it - I end up snapping and returning the favor to her in kind, sometimes continuing afterwards, too. Alon with emotionally cruel words. Which, apparently, I'm always emotionally cruel to Mom and Sis, because I'm miserable - or so Mom says, even when she's been mean, too, like after I save "Be safe, love ya, have fun" when she's going to work and if we had an arguement before that she'll say something like "Yeah, you love me." sarcastically.

One time I was walking Sis to where she waits for the bus and she was annoying me, I can't remember why, I think she was whacking me, or something, and we were having an arguement and I forced myself to be quiet and not respond.... then all of a sudden I turned, grabbed her arms and restrained her that way on the driveway, her backpack between her back and the driveway, in winter. I didn't even think. I wasn't even thinking. It just.... happened. When I told Mom, I suggested that maybe I'm losing control of myself to something mental.

But Sis still treats me and Mom like crap. And if I even slap Sis, not even hard enough to make a mark, in retaliation, Mom says if I keep it up, she'll call the cops, because I'm still just abusing my Sister. Never mind that Sis does have the ability to hurt me and that we're both learning Tae Kwon Do once a week at a public building, like the library is public and the YMCA is public, and that Sis and I have the same belt. Gah.

The good thing is that my retaliating happens sooooo much less now, but... what can I do? I can't retaliate, I'm 19... and I definitely can't just take the abuse from my sister, even though it's apparently not abuse because:
1) I'm just getting back what I gave her.
2) I'm 19 and she's 13 so it's not abuse because I'm older and stronger.
Both are reasons Mom came up with.
Plus, I live in New York State... or, as I like to call it, the Empire State of Madness.

So, what can I do!? :cry: