Okay, here's the sitch. I am deeply, desperately, head over heels in love with my best friend Jessica. She, on the other hand, is just as much in love with her ex-boyfriend Tanner. They dated for eight months, and have been broken up for thirteen months, and she doesn't love him any less than she did when they were together. She is *also* in love with me, but not as strongly as she is with him. He doesn't give a rats ass about her, and just pretends to be her friend or casual acquaintance. She can't take the fake conversation any more and has decided to stop talking to him. However, even after giving up on him in a practical sense, she still feels she can't be my girlfriend because she can't give her heart entirely to me. I'm doing my best to just be her friend, but we both tend to have a hard time keeping our conscious controlling our subconscious so holding back has been... difficult. She's been fine with doing a lot more than just kiss, but she still feels that we can't officially be together. What do you think I should do? What do you think *she* should do?

Edit: I'm 22, she's almost 21, Tanner is 20

I think you should be patient and understanding with her. It probably is a bit difficult for you. There might be more reasons as the why she doesn't think she can be with you. It does sound a bit odd. You could tell her something cool like "I want to be your boyfriend, even if you can only give me 10% of your heart.." Or whatever. It might take time either way. IDk, she might still be hurt over her last relationship.

I actually already told her something like that, and it didn't really change anything. But thanks for taking an interest, and thanks for the advice, I am trying my best to be patient for her. It's just hard, you know?

That... sounds very difficult for you. I don't envy you in the slightest. Few things are worse than the agony of being so in love.

It sounds like Jessica is trying her best not to hurt you. I think this because she's still hesitant to commit to you, even after months of being away from Tanner (romantically, at least). As much as you're pining for her, how would you feel if you knew she still felt more feelings for her ex than you? The thought sounds devastating, to me.

I don't know what you should do. It sounds like you're torn between wanting nothing more than to be with her, but to not hurt so badly. If "more than kissing" is going on... Well, you must be pretty strong, Cal.

I am not sure what I would do. I would be torn between wanting to try and make it work, to think that maybe I could make Jessica happy, to help her get over Tanner.

But just remember... you cannot change how someone feels. You can only change how you feel, and you may end up breaking yourself into pieces if you're not careful. It's not an easy situation, and I wish there was an easy answer. :hug:

Weigh your options the best you can... see which option would hurt less in the long run and try to go with it..

Maybe she just needs time to understand why she's so attached to her ex. And then again, maybe she isn't the one for you. I know that sounds haarsh, but I know there are others who would tell you the same. Just try to be strong, and wait it out for now, until you figure out if she is truly the one you want.

Okay straight up, just show her you won't wait for her. I could tell you to give it some time, or try to talk to her about just taking the chance because what does she have to lose, but that would all be stuff you have probably already done. And let's be honest, were all human here, with the same basic emotions and feelings. Girls, just make things really effing complicated. Thats how we are. So just tell her straight up, "I'll give you some time and space to think about it, but I can't continue to be used if you aren't wanting to take our relationship to the next level." Start 'talking' to other people and she will realize that your awesome and she is going to lose you if she doesn't take the opportunity to give you a chance as her boyfriend. Fail safe guarenteed.

@Chi: Thanks, for the understanding and the compassion. Because of how my brain works, never being with her at all would hurt way worse than being with her for a while and then breaking up: at least then I'd have the memories and the knowledge that I did my best; right now all I have is uncertainty and confusion.

@Witchlingkitty: She does need that time, and I'm giving her that time. But I am already certain she's the only one I want. It's probably foolish and almost definitely naïve, but I would honestly rather die a virgin than marry someone else. Thanks, though.

@ahill787: Thank you for the idea, but right now that wouldn't help. She's already convinced that she's going to lose both me *and* Tanner, and is very depressed about it but she can't make herself do anything to change it until her feelings change. Dropping an ultimatum right now would just cement that, justify her fears and insecurities, and make her even more depressed. Right now I need to show her that I will always be there for her no matter what, the way Tanner said he would and didn't.

I understand how you feel. Love sometimes has to be naive, or you become jaded.....I hope everything works out for you, and you get the happy ending that you want.

Thanks very much, I hope so too ^_^

N/A

All good things come to those who wait.
-Hannibal Lecter (My Idol)

Patience is a virtue. Eventually, she will accept it, but she may not get over it. You need to let her know that you are there as a friend and even more if she needs to be. If you really love her, you'll accept that she is in a state of mourning. I would say that eight months is a long time to be with someone, and thirteen months is even a longer one. It's possible that she'll never really get over Tanner, but you must be there for her whenever she needs you. Don't ever force her to go any further than what she wants, but take things slowly. Gradually, she will start to heal.

You know, this kind of reminds me of a roleplay that I am in. You are Alan, your girlfriend is Kate, and Tanner is Tom. Tom isn't an foolish ass, but he and Kate can't be together because... well, he's a werewolf. :sweat: And Alan is very much in love with Kate, but only wants to make her happy by being by her side.

Anyway, I'm getting off the point. I know that it will take a lot of time, but the worst thing is for her to lose you. She's already lost Tanner, and all she has is you. Give her more time to sort things out, but don't let yourself hurt because of her. You're just going to get both of you hurt if you leave her.

I hope my advice helped!

Well just be there for her. And be a great best friend. Because all you can do is just be there. Plus your with her being her friend or at least. And she cares for you. Enjoy the moments. Things work out. You should watch Peach Girl. It's girly, but it's really good. It's free on hulu.

So far it seems like you too are doing the right thing - you're not pushing her and she's probably still hurt and she just needs time

No offense, but I'd BITCHSLAPHER and be like "Hey who do you love more?" And if she says "Tanner..." I'd be like "HIT THE ROAD! "*kick to the curb*
Sorry maybe I'm kinda harsh///

Thoth, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you've never been in love... also not a huge stretch to assume you never will be if that's your attitude. If I wanted the kind of shallow "relationship" that people like you scrape by on, I wouldn't exactly care how she felt now would I? I think it's time for someone to grow up.

I think you're doing the right thing here. Sooner or later, she will realize what she really wants and what is best for her. If I put myself in her shoes, I would think she would get fed up with how tanner treats her and become angry about it instead of staying depressed. It may take awhile, but she will "come to her senses"

I know this sounds really harsh but leave her. I'm saying this for more than just reason!

I'm just turning 20 and I've been in a situation similar to hers and I also know when my partner (or a man) is messing with me. (I'm not saying she's doing it intentionally)

1. She's obviously not ready for a relationship. She's making this obvious, so take your cue.

2. Being in love with someone you can't have is a hard thing to get over but she HAS to get over it alone. If she doesn't manage this independently she'll suffer for it, trust me.

3. She's just going to hurt you whether she means to or not. She has someone else in her mind at every intimate moment you guys have, and she definitely doesn't love the two of you. It's impossible to love 2 people. (trust me) She loves him, not you. However she cares about you and doesn't want to lose you.

Give her some cool down time, detach yourself from this toxic situation.

I think that you should talk to her. It's really a tough situation, and I've been in a similar place so I know that it can seem like a trap or hole that you just can't dig out of, no matter how hard you try. I know that things look bleak for you, and I truly sympathize.

My suggestion is nothing more than to give her time. I don't know the girl, and I don't know her personality, but you said you and her "do a lot more than kiss." It might be better for both of you to stop fooling around so much. I think that it's entirely possible that as long as you continue that, she'll know securely that she has you, and she won't want to make a decision because, in a way, she already has you. Then again, this is just speculating and that may have been way off the mark. Like I said, I don't know her from Eve.

Like I said, though. Give her time.

be her best friend. someone she can depend on no matter what. it seems she really especially needs that right now. just be the person to catch her when she falls. someone to fall back on. just give it time.

Thank you, all of you, for your advice. I think you guys are right, i need to back off and give her some time to work this out alone. I won't completely cut myself off from her, still be there for her and be her best friend, but I think you're right, everything romantic needs to stop until she works out everything with Tanner. I'll keep this thread updated with how that goes... Wish me luck! ^_^

Well THAT didn't work; if anything things are even *more* fucked up and confusing than before, and I think I ended up seriously hurting both of our feelings. Yay life.