I need help wrapping my mind around this.

You see...my last day of college was September 8th, and my graduation was on October 17th. Ever since my stepfather got drunk on my graduation night, made a scene and disrespected everyone left in the household -- I have been feeling depressed and angry.

I've cut my hair since then because I thought it'd make me feel better, it did for alittle while.

Here's my situation though. I am 22 years old, and currently engaged to the love of my life. He is 19 years old but is turning 20 in less than a month. We've known each other alittle more than 4 years and have been engaged for 2 years. We agreed on a long engagement because we both promised each other no marriage until we atleast have a stable career and a house together.

My situation is with my mother. She knows that I'm engaged, yet she allows my brother to drive cross-country with his now ex-girlfriend for 2 weeks to Oregon with no parental supervision (he was 18, she was 17). She allows him to drive cross country with his best friend Trevor (trevor was 18 and brother was 17) alone, this is considered illegal in my state. She allowed my brother, his girlfriends, and his friends to sleep over several times, sometimes at our house othertimes in different states or at the gf's house.

However, before I met my fiance, I was allowed one sleepover on Halloween night with several of my friends and the mother. After I met my fiance and decided to sleep over, she threatened to kick me out. The second time, I told her and ignored her saying "No", she said if I did it again, she'd call the police on my fiance and threaten his eviction from his apartment (he was living with room-mates). When I moved out, I lived temporarily with my fiance and his room-mate for two months, it was the funnest months ever and I was happy.

But, my mother became paranoid. If I didn't call her every day she'd scream at me on the phone. One time, I was having so much fun and was catering friends from Texas, she drove to the apartment complex from her shopping trip -- 30 miles away, JUST to see if I'm okay and eating, then proceeded to yell at me in the parking lot!

Since then I haven't slept over until about two years later when he now has his OWN apartment (no room-mates).

The first time I slept over this year at his new apartment, mother dearest was angry with me and told me to tell her. Last night I told her that I was planning on spending 3 nights with my fiance and coming home on Sunday morning as a Halloween party bash type of thing....she was livid!! She yelled at me for telling her this, and today she guilted me into telling her that I'm coming home tonight, so now I'm forced to.

I have a very strong feeling that tomorrow morning will be riddled with arguments because I decided to sleep over at my fiance's. I personally see no big deal anymore since I'm finished with college, fiance lives by himself and paid some of the bills. I really don't get how my brother can disappear for 2 weeks on a church outing or visiting his friend's family 5 states over like nothing, but I can't spend more than 2 days with my fiance. Ugh.....it's times like these where I wish I can hurry up and land a good job, move out, change my name, and never speak to my mom and my stepfather again.

Why my stepfather as well? Simple, he got on one of his drunken escapades and ruined my graduation night. Not only that, but he insulted me, my fiance, my brother's ex-gf, my brother, and his gf. Stepdad threatened to assault fiance and he was screaming at brother's gf for no reason. That's why.

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Here's another situation. My father who came to visit me from Florida with his new wife (9th wife mind you), is dying. When I was little, he played the role of good dad and bad dad. Good Dad was loving, nurtering, practiced tough love, gave advice, said inspirational stories, and made me and my brother laugh. Bad Dad was all forms of abusive except physically and sexually. He toyed with my mother's emotions, toyed with my brother and I's sense of self-worth, we grew up thinking we were worthless and if we don't behave Daddy will sell us to the black market (he was dead serious about it too).

Well Dad, having since learned of his heart failing and will be wheelchair bound next year because of back surgery, has turned to Good Dad. I haven't seen Good Dad in over 10 years, it's hard to stay mad at him when my once strong, tough, and cold father is suddenly helpless, emotional, and has horrible memory of the past (he mixes up times and dates and doesn't remember some events). When he started crying Thursday night because he was going to Florida, Friday morning -- I almost broke down and cried. Not because I won't see him for maybe another year -- it's because I wasn't sure if the next time I'll see him would be at his funeral. I'm pessimistic but the doctors in Florida and Alabama refuses to give my father the heart transplant he desperately needs.

I know Dad means well, but he asked me and my fiance if we would like to move to Panama City, FL from Glendale, AZ. Dad offered to pay for a place of our own for a few months and offered us jobs that could develop into a stable career, he offered to teach us everything he knows from life experience from buying a home to raising a family. As he said, "I'll hold your hand and help you run so you can fly, but I won't help you fly" and I considered that really sweet of him and a thoughtful gift considering after what he did.

My dillemma is that he gave us 2 weeks to come up with the decision. To be honest, if fiance already finished school -- I'd pack and move down there, to be away from my mother and to be close to the beach. But I'd miss some family members here and the only family members I'd have over there are my dad, my new stepmom, my godmother, my half-sister and my half-mother. So I really don't know....I'd miss my grandmother and cousins, fiance says no, I say no, but a part of me wants to say "yes".

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1. In regards to my mother still treating me like a child and still instilling curfews on me, what should I do about that? I get yelled at for every little thing, I haven't broken any laws -- I'm the goody two-shoes daughter, whilst my brother who had gotten into legal trouble, and escaped jail time in the past (he's now a goody two-shoes finally) is allowed to do things I cannot. I'm actually starting to think that my mother favors my brother more and it hurts.

2. In regards to my father's offer, should I take it or not? If I do take it I'd leave everything behind and my fiance will have to face the risk of not going back to his school of choice because credits won't transfer (meaning he might start college all over). If I don't take it, my father would be heart broken, but will understand...at the same time, neither of us will know if my father will still be alive next year. Just walking 10 feet makes him feel woozy! If Dad passes away next year, I'd probably kick myself for not being there...arrgghhh!!

On the mother thing, I have a similar issue. My brother (though he's my twin so we're exactly the same age, 21) lives with his girlfriend, they aren't married and have no intentions of ever being married. I mentioned it to her once and she honestly looked terrified. I still live with my parents but I'm engaged. When my fiance stays here I have to sleep on the sofa because my dad says we can't sleep in the same room "under his roof". My mum told me she doesn't want me to live with my fiance until we're married, for some bizarre reason that doesn't even make sense. My brother is allowed to go to the caravan alone with his girlfriend, if I want to go with my fiance I have to go with my parents.

Their excuse is because it's different for boys. My brother can't get pregnant. :roll: His girlfriend can and he'd be just as responsible for it as her. That's their excuse though, I can get pregnant. For some reason my mum thinks being married makes them less likely to do one if you get preggers. No idea why, I mean he wouldn't run off if I did get pregnant anyway, we've already talked about it and we both want kids with each other so he wouldn't be going anywhere.

As far as the thing with your dad is concerned, I think you really need to talk about it in length with your fiance. Since it affects him greatly it needs to be something you both agree completely on.

Jeanie's right about the whole Dad thing. Since it would affect him too, it needs to be a joint decision. Maybe you can spend a few weeks or months down in Florida with your dad, or go there one weekend a month or something, but you need to spend time with him creating some more happy memories.

It's been almost one year - or is it two? - since my grandpa died (I never knew my other grandpa, since he died before I was born) and I don't know when exactly it was, but it struck me a long time after he had died that I should have visited them (him and grandma) more and learned more from him before he was gone. But you never know when people are going to be gone. You have the knowledge that your dad might not be around in the near future, so try to mend your relationship before it's too late.

About "Bad Dad" and your mom, you should talk to a therapist, clergy person, or counselor. "Bad Dad" will probably continue to have a negative effect on you if you don't, and your mom seems to have double standards, and appears to be verbally abusing you. You need someone who can help you sort through it all, and even talk to your parents for you if necessary.

No matter what, you need to include your fiancee in your decisions about your parents, even if it's nothing more than "Here's what I'm doing (or plan on doing)". He intends on marrying you, so he has a right to know, and many marriages fail because lines of communication aren't open.

Hope this helps!

Fiance and I already decided not to move to Florida, we've been discussing it and have thought about it. Thing is, dad wants us to stay there forever well we can't do that. We're planning to live in Arizona for awhile and when fiance's done with his college -- to move to whatever state that has jobs. Bonus, if this state has jobs then we wouldn't have to move.

As for my mother, yeah she's abusive somewhat and her double standards is draining me. She's literally making me want to change my name, cut off ties with everyone and just run away -- I feel like I have no freedom if I'm around her. Thankfully, she didn't yell at me yesterday for sleeping over for two nights, but she did complain to my cousins about me sleeping over because in "her time, no one ever slept over at anyone's house unless they were married".

Engagement is close to being married, the wedding's in about 2-3 years anyways, what difference does it make if I sleep over at my fiance's 2-3 years earlier that I'm "supposed to"?

I had a problem with my mom as well, and I moved away from her and cut my ties from her for awhile until she couldn't stand it anymore and then came to 'appologize' for what she did to me, that is for another day. I now barley ever talk to her, the way I like it. I know she is your mom and all, but you need to get away from her as soon as possible and who cares how she feels, it is your life and she can't be running it anymore. She might be afraid to lose another child to their own freedom, or she might just be a blank, I don't know for sure yet. But you really need to talk to her, and if talking doesn't work, just yell it out at her about the way she is treating you and how you feel and everything and anything else you would like to add to that. You need to do this for yourself and for your fiancee. Before it could hurt your relationship if it already hasn't. It did that to mine for awhile, cause my mom wouldn't give me a break and treat me nicely and always was horrible to me no matter what. My husband and I got in alot of arguments cause of her. Not like we were mad at each other, but because she pulled her crap yet again and we couldn't stand it and didn't deserve it and no matter what we did, it only made things worse for me.
You need to talk to her soon and make sure it is just the both of you without anyone else around, like your step father. And I would try to keep a relationship with him to a very minium at the least. No one should ever do that to anyone.
Good luck with talking to your mom. She needs to realize that you have your own life and she needs to stay out of it or else she could lose you.