Okay, first of all, I want to get this across: I AM NOT EMO AND I DO NOT CUT FOR ATTENTION.

I've been a cutter since seventh grade, on and off. I've done carving, I've done slashes, I've used just about anything I can get my hands on from craft knives to broken disposable razors to exacto-blades to safety pins and regular razors. I've never cut to kill, and I don't think there are many places on my body that are unmarred. But this is all very much besides the point.

The point here is, lately I've been extremely stressed. I'm not looking good on passing some classes because I'm gone all the time because I'm sick. I'm getting told off on a daily basis by my grandmother, who shall from here-on-in be known as Grambo, I feel like I'm a burden to everyone because I'm always so down on myself, I hit on girls who never want my attention, I love girls who are either straight, bisexual with a male preference, or asexual. The ONE lesbian I dated left me twice for other girls.

I'm a Paranoid Schizophrenic. I talk to things that aren't there, but I'm good at hiding it. I've realized that things aren't how I see them, after years of being told I was stupid and wrong for it. I wouldn't say I hide the whole disease, but learning more about it in my Psychology class helps. But I've learned that PS leads to a very addictive personality; I'm addicted to roleplaying and affection. It's one reason why I'm always needing to be in a relationship. Nobody gives me enough affection. I've never gotten enough; and once I taste it, I want more and more and that scares people away. I can't help it; my mother held no affection for me, and my father got himself killed with some whore when I was born.

I honestly don't know what to do other than suicide or homicide. I'm so tempted to either

A. Kill myself with several different techniques at once (pills, slit wrists/hip and drowning)

or

B. Kill the world except for the people I like and never have to go to school again to put up with assholes who don't understand me and think I'm just something to be beaten.

I mean, I've got enough problems, but if you couldn't already tell, I'm also a lesbian. That only doubles my chances for a beating, and I'm pretty damn sick of it.

Anyway, I'm very lost on ways to cope, and I haven't been able to do anything "productive" all day. I'd really like some help and maybe some snuggles...*sigh* I'm so lonely...

It sounds like you really need a big hug and for someone to tell you that things will be alright. If you hang in long enough things will get better as long as you work to try to make things better. I don't cut but there have been times where I want to take a knife or scissors and hack away at my arms. I've been as close as pressing a blade to my skin but some thing always stops me. I guess it's that I know that the people around me will be disappointed or even worse, hurt if I do that. You have to remember that even though people may not show it you do have people who care about you and will be very upset to know that you are in so much pain right now.

Being overly stressed can make you sick. You need to take a breather and take things one day at a time, which you probably are, but try not to look too far into the future. It's good to do from time to time, but if you're always expecting the worst outcome, especially when things don't look good now, you're just going to stress out even more. When you're sick from school get the assignments from the teachers, e-mail them and try to get things done little by little. If you're having problems in a class because you're absent all the time and it's not a matter of getting work done, try to schedule some after school time with the teacher to help get you caught up or ask for an extra credit assignment. Worse comes to worse, you fail the class. Failing a class doesn't make you a horrible person. The worst thing that can happen is that you'll have to spend extra time re-taking the class in summer school or next year. If your grandmother doesn't like it, well tough, it's not like you're quiting.

Family members like your grandmother can cause you a lot of stress. Try to remind her that you are doing your best and that you need her support, positive support. She's probably been telling you off because she's concerned about you and wants things to go well in life, so she may think that negative reinforcement may help. Believe it or not but she may be doing that because she loves you and cares for you.

As for the affection. I've been there, I crave affection. I'm also very down on myself so this is hard for me and I know it'll be hard for you, but give yourself affection, try to love yourself. Try to say three good things about yourself every day. Once you get a positive outlook, you may smile more and who knows who is going to fall for that smile. Try to hang out with your friends, even if you're not physically lovey dovey with them, just hanging around them provides attention and may help with the need for affection.

As for your two A and B decisions. B may not turn out the way you would hope for. The people you like may become frightened of you, you may be stopped before you kill the world. I'm sure you know the consequences. As for choice A, suicide is something that cannot be reversed. I know I'm stating the obvious, but you won't be able to change your mind. It's best to try to battle through this low period. You may feel better a week from now or a month or so. Suicide also has a huge impact on those around you. Please keep that in mind. It may shatter the heart of someone you care about.

Aww, thank you so much for that...<3 I feel a bit better, now. I'm glad someone took the time to actually try to help me, instead of put me down like I was pretty sure they would. <3 You're much appreciated, darling. *snuggle*

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I hope things get better for you soon. If you ever need to talk, I'm a private message away.

Aww, you're so sweet! Thank you! 8D You've made my night.

Just PMed you. Stay safe.
People will always care about you!

While I might not be able to relate to all of that. I can relate to some of it.
I've a slight bi-polar issue. Well.... only I say it's that. It's not diagnosed. But my sister has a massive case of it so I might just be sympatheticly bi-polar.

I've conflicting needs for isolation and affection. Which has affected my relationships with people and driven them away. My best relationships...and I use best in the terms of length, are those online. I guess it's just less pressure that way. And it helps temper how I interact with people, lessening my chances of offending them.

I have also cut, though I started a bit later then you did. I was in my junior year in high school. My mind just fractured from multiple pressures and cutting was one of the results. And I grew addicted. It's a complusion for me. Now every time I'm feelign down or angery at myself, like I'm a failure or if I've procrastenated on something the desire to cut just wells up. However, I've been able to subdue it for the past two years. Though... like any compulsion, I don't believe it'll go away for I'll be able to maintain not cutting forever.

Also... the majority of my family is conservitive, very republican. So the fact that I'm bi and outraged that my state just appeal the law for same sex marriage doesn't get mentioned. They're just another reason why I feel alienated in my own skin.

So... I've rambled a bit. I sympathise with you, deeply. But life marches on and drags as along for the bumpy and uncomfortable ride and we can really only hope that it gets better. If you ever need someone to talk to I've got two willing ears...or eyes to read with.

Thank you, dear. <3 I know the feeling. I also know what you're going through, too, on some scale. I'm scared as Hell to tell my uncle that I'm a lesbian; he's a very...um...biased man, and though I love him, I fear he'll shun me, so I keep it hidden.

But checking out girls together in the Wal-Mart parking lot probably doesn't help. XD

Anyway, I'll be here for you, too, if you ever need someone to listen/read. <3