I am the luckiest girl in the world as far friends and family goes.
But I have a fast approaching conflict that I'm not sure of how to handle.
My boyfriend Chris and I are planning to move into an apartment together with two other friends. We are aiming to move out in January 2010. But if I could move out sooner, I would. Chris's parents have already offered to let me move in with the family now until Chris and I can afford the apartment.

My problem lies with my parents.
I am 20 and have a 1:00 am curfew. I have been wanting to move out of my parent's house for years! Though there is legally nothing at all holding me back, I find it difficult to bring up the subject with my mom.

My mom and my step-dad are very controlling and protective. And I was raised in a family where your first priority is to please your parents and not yourself. The thought of defying my mom and disappointing her terrifies me. Seeing Mom cry tears my heart out. The las thing I want to do is have a confrontation with her.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this matter so that minimal harm is done to my relationship with my parents as well as my relationship with Chris?

Well, you could always drop a couple of hints to her, and talk to her about moving out without telling her that you are planning to. Tell her that you feel like you're ready to try living on your own, and see what she says, but don't tell her that you're already planning for it. You have a job, you're going to school, and you're twenty years old, she's got to understand that you're an adult now, no matter how much she thinks of you as her baby.

Well.. to be fair, they've gotta know this day is going to come eventually. Do your parents not approve of you living with your boyfriend, or just not want you to leave?
You could gently broach the topic, by bringing up that you've been thinking about moving out/looking into some apartments without actually informing her that you've made plans. No parent ever accepts their child moving out well, do they?

That's a rather tough situation, but I believe you will have to come to terms in telling your parents how you feel and make them realize you are 20 years old and capable of taking care of yourself. You doing have to go about it rudely, or bring it fast and hard. You just do what you think your parents could handle best, even if it seems like nothing would be handled well at all.
Have faith in yourself, think it through.
Your parents just wants you safe and happy, I assume, and now you just need to help carry it out.

:)

As those above me have said, you could always tell them you're thinking of moving. You could also bring up that it would be a good experience for you because it'll teach you how to manage yourself and how to properly pay bills as well as give you a feel for what the real world is like. You can't live with your parents forever. If you get along with your folks and don't plan of living too far away, tell them you'll visit. If you're going to be in or around the same town/county you could always drop by on weekends or something to say hi and see how they are.

You're going to have to put your foot down. Even if you were brought up to make your parents happy, you have to think of yourself sometimes. It isn't healthy to be held back on everything because of your folks. You need to live your own life. Parent's can have great advice, but being against you moving out at 20, if you can properly sustain yourself, is just outrageous.

I'm actually in nearly a perfectly similar situation.

My mom is abusive and controlling, so I've been trying to get out of here for ages.

Just recently, my boyfriend and his best friend have offered to room up with me so we can all move out and get a really nice apartment in the process. All in January 2010 as well.

I haven't mentioned it to my mom yet, but I have been getting things ready and I've been trying really hard to save up some money.

I think the best you can do is mention to them that you're ready to grow up, especially if you're taking college classes or you're starting soon. Just don't give them any room for argument and tell them that you'll be sharing the apartment with some friends, so they're counting on you too.

If they complain, they'll just have to get over it. You have no legal reason to be kept where you are, hun.

:heart: If you want anyone to talk to, especially since I know how things are, feel free to comment or mail me! I'll be glad to help or just let you talk about your progress with moving out. C:

I think they know that the best way to prove you love someone is to support them in their adventures. If your parents trust you, then why shouldn't they let you move out?

On another note, as much we love other people, we need to agree to disagree. If your mother and you were different political parties, would you change to please her? I hope not. The greatest respect a child can pay to their parents is to become an independent, well-rounded person. It sounds like you're on the right track.

Originally Posted by whompus

I think they know that the best way to prove you love someone is to support them in their adventures. If your parents trust you, then why shouldn't they let you move out?

On another note, as much we love other people, we need to agree to disagree. If your mother and you were different political parties, would you change to please her? I hope not. The greatest respect a child can pay to their parents is to become an independent, well-rounded person. It sounds like you're on the right track.

It sounds so perfectly logical! I love it!
The only problem is, my parents don't trust me to be able to take care of myself.

I'm ready and prepared to take care of myself btw.

Trust me, just talk to them, you'll be surprised what they can handle. My mom is just like that, very protective and still thinks I'm 12 years old... So when I told her about it, I was so surprised as how well she took it. I was like O_O

Just sit down, the three of you, and talk about it like adults. Tell them you want to be honest with them, and this is what's going on. TRUST ME, they'll appreciate it that you're being mature about it. Kokopelli, you can say you're considering moving out, and just wanted to know what their thoughts are on it. Listen to their advice, you don't have to follow it, but just listen, and they'll listen to you.

Like I said, if you sit down and talk openly, calmly, and honestly about it, you'll be fine. Plus, you can't always please your parents, that's part of growing up, you have to learn to live your life and for you and not anyone else ;]

Good luck! Don't party too hard! =P

Um...no offense...but can I drop kick your parents? Please?

I would feel really down if I was still living with my parents and had a damned curfew....that's just kinda fucked up man. My parents stoped hte curfew shit when I hit 18. They knew I was a good kid and wouldn't get into trouble. *shrugs* besides I'd practically been on my own for quite some time, making food for a family of five cause my mom didn't feel like it, and doing my own laundery, most of the time, since I was...maybe 8...I was also doing other peoples laudery. it sucked.

Ah...koko. I know your pain. I was the same way. My mother is a controlling freak and even though now that I am not living at home. She STILL tries to control me. Upon reading your post, it brought back so many memories, it wasn't even funny. The only difference is, is that my mother isn't the best person in the world...eheh. However. I do always try to avoid her fighting with me. (Even though it doesn't always work).

What I did learn however was this. You are going to be making decisions and choices on your own from now on, and a lot of people in the world aren't going to be to happy with the choices you make. But family will always be there. The way that I brought up the conversation with my mother was this.

"Mom, we need to talk. Please..Just listen to what I have to say first before saying anything please? Look..I am 21. I need to spread my wings and fly away. This doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore, and don't think I don't need you around anymore. But. I love my (insert boyfriends name here) and I want to move in with him and a few of my friends. I know this might be seen as a mistake in your eyes, but I need to learn to fly on my own. So please mom, just be there and catch me like you always have when I have made a mistake. I love you to death, but I don't want this to tear our relationship apart."

That is the talk I had with my mother, and well she doesn't like it, but she said that what I said reminded her a lot of her when she was my age and that she loved me and was going to be there for me through everything and help me whenever she could possible.

Try something like that with your mother, it should work. You can't always avoid fights and arguments though; and of course your mother is going to cry. You're her baby. She raised you, birthed you, and loves you and is use to always being there for you through everything.

Just make it be known to her that even though you are moving out, that doesn't mean that she doesn't get to see, talk to you, or being around you less. Make sure she knows that you will visit and call.

That worked for me! And I've been living on my own now for 6 months! I wish you luck, on the apartment and on the talk with the rents. I know it will be hard, but as long as you have faith that you can do it. You will be fine :)

After the acumulation of everyone's advice, from Menes and friends, this is the game plan that I have come up with.

I plan to treat my mother to dinner and sit down with her.
(My step-dad is not important to me because he is jerk who punted my cat off the back porch when I was 10.)
I am going to tell her, "Mom please don't say anything until I am done. I am going to move out in January. I'm not asking you if I can. I'm telling that I am going to. I have saved up a lot of money and am prepared to take on the bills that you hand over to me. I have discussed rent, lease, and roommate situations with Chris and Hannah and James. We are prepared. I love you and this does not mean I'm leaving you. This means I am going out on my own and that I will still depend on you for love and moral support. I hope that if this venture goes wrong that you will be there for me, but you don't have to. That's your decision."
And then I would let the discussion start.
Does anyone have any suggestions or does this sound like a good plan?

I would like to thank everyone who has helped me this far. Especially those who had a very similar situation to mine, Lore and Ari'iala, and the firm one, TanaCahan.
Thank you everyone. :heart::heart::heart:

Sounds like a good plan Koko! Just go for it, and let us know how it goes!

Promise you would visit often and actually do visit often. There is nothing holding you back except your parents' feelings but they should know from the start that you would be leaving the house sooner or later. There is no easy way to do this except talk to your parents about it directly.

No one likes to get the disapproval from their parents. They are the ones who raised you and you should respect them. HOWEVER, you are an adult.


You have a great game plan.


I wish you luck =3

Yay! Thanx! :3

So I know what Imma do. But I don't know when to do it. If I'm going to move out in January, then when should I tell her?