Need Ideas to Ask Permission to Marry!
 

It's really hard to be short about this, but I'll try to make this easy to understand. All of my life, I have had issues at home, and all of my life there has been some form of abuse. Recently my dad and I got into a fight and he left me with a nasty bruise that lasted over a week, and I had the police photograph it. And despite having physical evidence of his cruelty, and despite the mass of charges against him in the past for what he has done, my dad always seems to be able to talk his way out of it. That doesn't leave me in a very safe situation, as the one talking against him. It has become important to me that I leave and make a new life of my own; it's important that I make a safe one and one that I can be productive and happy in. I turned 17 not too long ago and would consider emancipation except that it would take long enough that it wouldn't be worth it, and I would have to be dedicated to that idea, which I am not. I am not okay with going into a foster home. And what about my other family, you ask? My mom cannot support me.. she is in a homeless shelter right now and has been financially struggling for a very long time. Besides, her and I have grown apart and it is hard to stay out of fights with her. It hurts to live with either of my parents. Half of my grandparents have passed away and the other half have social issues that would not provide a safe environment.

My situation right now is that I am engaged to a man who I am deeply in love with. He has been my best friend for a few years now and we get along extremely well, connecting on many levels and we love to spend time around each other. Unfortunately, being a state away from each other, we missed each other, and there was an occasion where I went to see him, without my parent's permission. It was all paid and planned by me but he was blamed for a lot of it, and now my parents don't really trust either of us. We didn't have sex, we didn't do something really dangerous like bungee jumping. We just went on a date and enjoyed ourselves. There has been some drama about that because of different people's perspectives on it. But I just know that I need a new life and I want it to be with him. He is everything to me, and I mean the world to him as well. So we are going to make something more of it and get married. This isn't just a fling, either. This isn't some immature, flaky decision. We have had people doubt it and people support it, we have thought through all of our options, and we have decided, on the same page, with open and clear communication. What I've come to you about is that we need some way to convince my abusive dad that he has enough reason to sign a consent form for us to get married. I am 17 and that is all that is really required of him, save for taking a day to drive there and back. I can be packed, ready, with money, enough for food and to chip in on rent, done with school, the whole deal. I just need his approval.

We want to keep this brief as my dad is an impatient man, so no more than a page long. We want to be able to cover all of the important details that we can but my guy is saying that he will care for me where I have shortcomings to take care of myself, and that we will provide a life for ourselves separate from my dad. But how in the world can we even start?? (The purpose is to have him ask my hand in marriage to my dad....and for him to say yes)

Well, why do you have to get married right now? Would your Dad object if you told him you wanted to move out to another state right now?

Because my Mom was only 17 when she moved out of her house with her abusive mother and she didn't have a man to marry when she did so. Her mother just didn't care enough to chase after her or anything. She just let her go because she figured it was the right time.

Would your Dad just let you go?

Because in just a year, you'll be old enough to make your own decisions and not need him to sign any papers or anything and be able to do whatever you want without his permission and I'm sure you two would have lots of fun living together for a year (and if you're in love, then you'll still want to marry a year from now even if you have to wait.)

The only reason I suggest this as a possible option is if you are asking to do something that's less of a big deal than moving out and getting married (just moving out and not getting married) then maybe your Dad will take it better than if you ask for both things.

Other than that, I don't know how you should talk to him. I don't really know your Dad and the kinds of things he responds to well and the ways he needs to be talked to in order for me to help you.

I'm sorry you have to go through all that with your parents. I can relate in some ways, although my situation was slightly different. I've been on my own since I was 16 without being married or emancipated. (I'm 22 now) If you want to go live with your boyfriend, you should just go regardless of what your dad says. Obviously, you should try to reason with him first...but if he says no, you can't just stay there. If he's abusive towards you, you need to get away...period. I don't think you need to get married to get away, but it would keep you legally better off. (that way your dad can't change his mind and make you move back or say that you just ran away) As for how you can talk to him about it, I really can't say. Maybe just say that you've been thinking about moving out on your own for a while and see what he thinks about it.

The Enchanted Tiara- Well ya... my fiance and I are going to get married sooner or later, whether my dad says yes or no.. Just what my dad's answer is says how soon is possible, and my dad's saying no would only delay our plans. As for just moving out.. well.. we want to both finish school first... me, I am almost done with high school, and he is almost done with his AA, but still being busy with that stuff would just be having something in the way of being able to support each other... in terms of looking for jobs over there. A few months ago our new case worker came over and told my dad that if I left to go see my boyfriend again before I'm 18 that he should call the cops, take me back here, and get my boyfriend in jail. =.= I think part of it is that when I went to go visit him last time I was 16 and he was 20.. now I'm 17 and he's 20 soo idk.. It's still illegal to run away in this state and my mom has issues about it that she wants me living with her if I can and will ruin all of my plans or else be really sad to the point I'm almost put on a guilt trip if I'm not soo argh idk.

PhantomLolita- ya I could try I guess but my dad doesn't take anything I say seriously. .-. He mocks me all of the time and doesn't like to explain himself, then gets mad when I end up being confused, saying I'm so stupid and everything but I'm not a mind-reader so it's hard to talk to him.

That's a real problem. The cops won't do anything about him hurting you? Maybe you should go to a higher authority. If you have evidence, you should send it to someone who can help you. Maybe having that evidence can speed up the emancipation process. If none of that works, you really only have two choices. 1. Stay and continue to be treated badly until you're 18; 2. Leave without his permission and hope that he doesn't pursue you

Either way, I wish you the best of luck.

PhantomLolita- Nah, the caseworker who said that my dad should call the cops if I go back to visit him.. they were the same one who had just talked to me 10 mins before and I showed them a bruise from my dad after 10 days.. It didn't show up barely at all but I could still see if fine after a week, because he broke a blood vessel and all on my arm T-T But... ya.. that's true.. thank you for helping. I'll think it over I guess..

I also really don't know how to talk to your dad about it but I do think you should at least find a way out of that house. Telling you you're stupid all the time isn't good for you either. Have you tried telling a school counselor, telling them forcefully you are being abused and no one will help you? If you can't think of a good way to get him to sign the consent now, find someone who will really help you get out of that house now.

And that caseworker sounds like a complete ass. The caseworkers should be on your side trying to help you, not your dad. Is the age of consent in your state 16? If you're 17 already there should be no legal reason your boyfriend could be jailed (but don't quote me, I'm not in law school or anything.)

World Of Elegance- umm maybe someone else idk but I'm homeschooled so there's no school counselor for me. I'm almost finished with high school and I just turned 17 so .. well.. ya idk. There's really not many places for me to go except that as soon as my fiance finishes his move I'm hoping I can come with him then... and move out. I gotta figure out how to ask my dad about that though unless I end up waiting until I'm 18. The age of consent in this state is 18 although in a state I have an opportunity to live in, it's 16. Soo I'd be old enough there. To get married with consent, I'm old enough here.. You have to be 17. It's all mixed up but what can I say? That's the system nowadays.

The only thing I'm concerned about is that you might be interested in this guy just because he symbolizes (to you) a safe haven and a new life. I'm not against the concept of getting engaged young, God no. But make sure you reevaluate your feelings and what YOU want out of life before you make any huge decisions.

Clockwork- Oh it's fine (= lol.. we've been besties for a few years now and we get along extremely well, have plenty of similar interests, know each other better than any one else, and there was a year when I liked him but felt bad about it because this other girl (both important to us) liked him too... buut... it's all resolved now, and we both know that we couldn't live without each other and that without each other it'd be hard to be happy sooo ya.. this is where we're going with this.. : o

That's good to hear. ^^

You bet it is haha.. I don't know what I'd do without him omg. @[email protected] actually... yes ... I think I know.. but that's not a very pleasant topic. >_< its a huge reason why i need out though.. it's not safe here

Thanks for the advice but i don't have any place to go yet and not enough money yet. Imma job search more after I graduate high school hopefully next month but besides that I have a buffer of 2k but I would need to be allowed to leave before i can have it and that's up to my dad until December, when I turn 18. I'm extremely sick of social services though... idk how it is in other places but over here it sucks.

Hmm...a thought...does he like having you around so he can berate someone, or would he be glad to 'get rid of you'?

Idk.. I can try to figure that out more.. but how can I really even tell?