A disturbing discovery.
 

First off, lets get this out of the way - I am 20 years old. I am not some 17-year old about to be 18, waiting for the first taste of freedom and about to make a rash move due to my situation. I have had time to weigh my options, and am aware that my choice seems wild...but everyone involved is dedicated, we're well-prepared and going to handle it well; the only problem is what I am going to outline below.

See, for the past several months, I have been making plans to move out of state with some friends. I am in a highly unfavorable living situation at the moment - the main issue being with my mother, who seems to be convinced she is the only sick person in the house, acts like a spoiled princess, spends more money than the family makes, and generally acts like she is the only person allowed to be treated as human.

She wants to keep me in California, when there is really nothing here for me but school I can't afford and a dead-end job. I cannot see myself living with a random roommate chosen from a listing; I am chronically ill and do not trust a stranger to really understand and accommodate this in a living arrangement (hell, with California college students, I hardly trust them not to throw me out the window and throw a party if/when I pass out - no offense to any California college students, but you know I probably wouldn't luck out and find you on the list!). But I've discovered I don't have to worry about this - she doesn't want me living with a roommate...she wants to move out with me and live by mooching off me for the rest of her life.

At the moment, she receives $1000 per month in allowance from my father...and comes back and begs for more before the month is gone. She has minimal bills to pay (up to 4 rental cars a month [$30 each trip], no groceries [my dad does that shopping], no rent [we own the house], no utilities [again, my dad handles that], nothing but those cars, restaurant meals, and whatever frivolities she wants). At the moment I make about $1250 per month after taxes and minimal bills myself (I have a large cell phone bill and a few loans to pay off). She refuses to work - she thinks that sitting on her dead ass and calling it housework all day constitutes work. She refuses to learn to live within her means - if someone tries to talk to her about this, she throws a TEMPER TANTRUM to put most two-year-olds to shame and storms out. She wants to go on believing that we live under some magical money tree. At the end of the day the house is falling apart, she's done nothing but sit and complain, and thinks this warrants sending the family into debt when my father makes FOUR TIMES as much money as I do.

Furthermore, I have my own medical bills to handle. She apparently wants me to handle hers on top of this. We are...near constantly at war with an insurance company that simply does not like us and the fact that we're continually sending them bills. It's quite difficult for me to handle my own; she refuses to learn how to handle hers...she just wants someone else to do everything for her. She's like an overgrown child. I am not in a position to be HER mother.

I've been trying to discuss it with the friends I intend to make the move with; they have plans, but I'm stuck on this little issue with my mother thinking that because she "took care" of me (had I known my legal rights as a child, I'd have had her locked up for abuse by the time I was 10), I'm obligated to support her belief that money is unlimited.

My father wants to help me, but still wants me to stay within the state - but the more I learn of my mother's intentions, the less of an option that becomes. If I stay here, she can come looking for me. If I move halfway across the country, as planned, that throws a wrench into her stalker crap (and yes, my mother does stalk me if I try and go out of her sight). If I live with her, she will drain me of my money, send me into a sea of red ink without a life vest, and furthermore suffocate me with herbal drug fumes (which I have been specifically told by my doctors to avoid) and otherwise harm my health, making it more difficult for me to keep up earning money.

I know have to put my foot down, but it's quite hard for me to do so - not because I have no backbone, but because she suffers from selective hearing. =__=; Does anyone have any advice on how I can either...ninja my way out or let her down without her exploding and/or pretending I never said anything? Even if not, any words of support would be much appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you did...if you did, you also receive one cookie from me. <3

My best advice is -- let her explode. It sounds like what you're planning for your life will ruin her plans for her life, and she isn't going to accept that it's her own fault for assuming your role; no one does. No matter how you put it, she will be displeased by your abandonment, and if she shows her displeasure with tantrums or denial, then that's what she does. Either way, she can not, at your age, force her dependency into your responsibility. As an adult you have every right to go, do, and spend however you wish. Be strong, and hold your ground. You can always suggest looking at some nice retirement homes if she insists she cannot take care of herself.;)
If you're worried she'll run sabotage or physically try to keep you from going, pack what basic essentials you'll need before letting her know, so that you can make an emergency escape if need be. Or, don't tell her at all, and keep your things in order and prepared to be packed up and moved out in a small amount of time. But remember, all she can do legally is cry.
Good luck!

Find some time where she isn't home, get your friends to help you, pack all your stuff and run. I don't know about the laws California, but since you are an adult, you should be able to move out one day, without her knowing, right? I have an uncle, who expects his mom to drive him around all the time, and whenever he makes her drive, my grandmother calls my mom, to nag her about it. I think my mom should let them sail their own sea, and I believe the most healthy thing you can do for yourself, is to cut the contact with her, until she understands, that your not HER mom :)
Good luck with moving, hope your mom doesn't get you down anymore after that!

First off thanks for the cookie. Also California college students arent all bad :P.

Seriously though this is a very tough situation. You can go either of the two ways, confrontation or as you awesomely put it "ninja my out". I think you will benefit most from the confrontation because it resolves all the emotions that are there, or at least tries to. Your mom will start to listen to you if you have your stuff packed and are leaving as you are talking to her. If she still refuses to listen, then it is her loss. You have a life to live and you need to be doing so. The hard part I think will be once you leave how you handle things. You are really going to have to try and not care about what happens, otherwise you will just be sucked back in. Your mom will figure out how to live her life without abusing you, and she does not then unfortunately it should not be your problem. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide, and keep us updated.

I'd say just send her on a trip somewhere for a day or two (a vacation, a shopping spree, whatever); then get all of your friends to help you move all of your stuff out of the house. By the time she gets back, you'll be gone. Get a new phone number and give it to your dad so you can stay in contact, but make sure he understands not to give your mother your number.

This might be the "cold heartless bitch" way to do it, but I think your mother needs to understand that you are your own person and you have no legal obligation to do anything for her, and she has none towards you.

You sound kind of like a friend of mine. She also somewhat takes care of her mom (at least her finances so she doesn't out-spend herself.) And she also has a hard time standing her ground against whining, nagging, and her own shopping sprees. But seriously, you have to consider how confrontations have turned out in the past and consider if you think you can do that and still leave. If you really want to confront her before you leave, but aren't sure you can keep from being talked into staying within her grasp, have a friend (or two or more) with you to back you up and keep you strong. If you don't think you'll be able to handle the explosion/tantrum, by all means, get ready before hand and 'ninja' your way out. Like you've said, you're not her mother and you shouldn't have to pay her or work to keep her happy. I also agree with Keyori, see if you can change your number, at least if you think she will bother you by phone once you leave for your own life.

Good luck getting out of the house. Thanks for the cookie. I think already having plans is going to make it easier on you, or at least I hope it will.

Well, honestly it's not like you need anything from her to move out. If she is as bad as the picture you paint, just leave. If she comes and finds you and you really don't want her around, you could get a restraining order, but that's kind of extreme. I say leave, and leave her behind. You're not obligated to stress yourself out and deal with a mother who wants to ride on your hard earned paycheck to keep her spending habits up. None of this is your responsibility, and you're entitled to a life, which I think you should have.

Good luck with everything, and I hope it works out.

Honestly, I think people are kind of giving you the wrong advice in this thread.

You don't react to an irrational, emotional person in an irrational, emotional way. You react to them in a calm way. That way you seem rational and sane, which she appears insane.

Pick a date. Make that the date you're moving out, so it's not just this vague phrase you're throwing out, it's something concrete and final. Inform her of this date and have those friends with you to back you up on it. Don't yell back at her. Remain calm.

You're upheaving her life. I don't think what she's doing is right, but honestly, if anyone else was in the same situation, they'd probably be freaking out, too, because everything about their life is about to change.

You are an adult though and adults take care of themselves and live on their own, but she is your mother and I don't think the right thing to do is just to abandon her without a warning.

You just can't give into her emotional pleading. Stay true to what you want to do. Tell her you wish her the best and hope she wishes you the same, but if she doesn't prepare to live on her own by that date, then she'll be in trouble.

It's okay if you move out of state and stuff at that point, but I just think it's completely wrong to abandon her without a warning.

dang, that puts my living condition to shame! O_O my mother in law is bad, but not that bad. she asks everyone to do the simple things for her, using the excuse for me and my husband that she's taking care of our son. plus, she constantly says we owe her for letting us live with her. you don't tell family or people you care about that they owe you!

but anyway, for your problem, you definatly need to get out of there. if your mom doesn't like it, well, that's her problem! she'll have to deal with it. if she can't handle her own life without someone there, then she needs someone of better health looking after her (altho, from the way you describe her, she'd probably run them out in less than a day). at least you have a chance to leave. my husband and i can't leave yet cuz we don't have the money yet. my husband is looking for a job so we can get our own place. honestly, the way his mom is acting, even tho she says she wants to help us move out, i don't think she does. without us, no one will do anything for her then! since she works all day, housework wouldn't be much of an issue for her after we leave, but everyone who knows her thinks she's going to go insane without anyone to get her popcorn or her ice water or feed her dog (yeah, she doesn't feed her dog, we do).

getting off subject again :p yeah, if you definately have a chance to get out of there, take it!

I have story similar to that, but my life got better. I think yours will too. I moved out and lived on my own. You can't worry about what's good for her. You have to think about you in a situation like that.

I say throw a tantrum back in her face. I doubt it will do much, but maybe it'll show her that her behavior is completely inappropriate for a woman her age. Other than that, I'd honestly say pack it up and leave as soon as you can without her knowledge. That's a terrible situation to be in, but if you have to sneak around behind your back, do so.

Yay, cookie! *nom nom nom*
<3 :D
Now, back on subject. At first I thought your mother sounded like a majorly spoiled 16year-old. But then I read about how she throws tempertantrums, and it's more like a majorly spoiled 5-year-old. And then the stalking makes it a CREEPY overly spoiled 5-year-old. Bad combination.
I think you should go through with your plans to travel with your friends. Just don't tell her where your going and ditch her, she really doesn't sound worth the trouble. I can't give you any details, but I think that general idea would work the best...

I hope by now you a out and away from her. She is the one making you sick. She is just sucking the life out you like a vampire. I hope you can find a new life that is good and will make you happy. I also hope that you still talk to your Father it sounds like he loves you a lot.

I might have missed it, but you didn't specify what you're sickness is. That's usually the sign of a made up story, but whatever the case may be, listen to the other posters, pack up your stuff, and run. That's what my mother had to do, my grandmother was just as life draining. Don't worry about your father, he just wants to know where you are because he cares. Once you're where you want to be, let him know.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! No seriously you are a young adult I am guessing and it is time for you to get away from your family and live your own life for a while and honestly they are not your problem to deal with yet. Give yourself at least ten years out of their household. No matter how much they complain and bitterly look down on you, you have to live your life before you can think of living theirs for them. And you are under no obligation to take care of them. Don't let them guilt trip you, you will also find that when you have made some distance from them if they try guilt tripping you on the phone you can just hang it up, and you don't have to tell them where you are going or where you are living if you don't want to. They need to learn that you need your space no matter how much it hurts. In parent world it is called empty nest syndrome and they need to go through it.

from your post, and from the others before me, a lot have presented very very good advise and suggestions which i strongly affirm.

reading your post, i have come to the conclusion that your mother might be suffering from a medical condition called Hypochondria-sis.

its hard dealing with a sick loved one, but dealing with your own sickness plus theirs is not really in your best interest.

hang in there, my dear, and stay strong!

i agree with everyone who says just go, what can she do? nothing. will she ever forgive you? no. and i think your dad should leave the woman let her go completely. no one needs that kind of baggage

Okay. This is a situation I have some kinda empathy with. ^___^

My mother is also like this, except she hasn't got a medical condition. But, my younger brother (eleven years of age) is disabled and suffers from severe Epilepsy. Now, being only thirteen at the moment, it doesn't seem like that much of a big deal, right ?

Oh, if only. -_-

My mother has been going on at me for the entirety of my existance how I'm going to have to get a really good job to pay for her and my brother to live. The rest of our family doesn't want to know and my Dad left when I was young. So, I kinda understand where you're coming from. :D

My advice is simple to follow what everyone else is saying. But, I think before you even think about moving, you need your Dad's support on this, wether it's moving within the state or outside. Your Dad probably wants you to stay in-state because he doesn't like the idea of his little girl going off into the world alone. It's probably scary for him. Either that or he's scared of your Mom. :3

So, yeah. Pick a date, stick to it. Let her know or don't let her know. It all depends on wether you can get your Dad behind you on this one. If you can, thats great ! If you can't . . . Well, THEN, and ONLY THEN should you probably consider the 'ninja' option. xD

Hope it all goes well. Don't give up on this :: it's your first steps into the world. (:

ok here my advise. move where you want to move. get a restraining order on her if necessary..this will force her to leave you alone..and if shes caught within the stated amount of distance, she can be put in jail. for the sake of you and your health..which is one of the most important things, you need to leave her in the past. if she has that philosophy that she raised you now you must wait on her hand and foot, thats not right. you are supposed to be there for her, yes. but you are by no means SUPPOSED to support her in every way possible. what shes doing is STILL abuse..whether or not you are still a child. its just plain wrong. its time to leave her behind. (so to speak)