I will get straight to the point I don't deserve my fiance. I was an idiot and went out and did the very thing he has told me would end our relationship. I cheated. My fiance and I have been together for nearly three years and up until now we have both been loyal.

My ex boyfriend and I decided to hang out yesterday, because it's been awhile since I've been able to spend time with anyone other than my fiance and a couple of my girl friends.

It's probably childish how things started, we were playing truth or dare of all things and it would go from really childish things to losing pieces of clothing. A big factor being I don't really know how to say no to people, and he had already promised that he wouldn't try anything if I came over.

In short, he asked me if it'd be okay before we actually had sex and I've found in situations, I'm not comfortable with I tend to freeze up and I said it'd be okay. He also promised not to tell anyone. The whole time it was awkward and I honestly wasn't sure of if I should tell him I wanted to stop and leave, because I didn't know how he would react. The fact, this was also something I've wanted ti for awhile now didn't help matters.

The ironic part being afterward, we sat and talked, my ex actually giving me relationship advice. I hate myself for this and I don't want to keep it a secret from my fiance because I know it will just come to bite me in the ass. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation, either way I lose him and I completely deserve it but that fact also kills me inside. The question I'm asking is how the hell do I actually tell him now?

You're going to have to sit down with him and talk to him about it. The longer that you wait, the worse it's gonna get. And if he finds out on his own, all hell is going to break loose at that point. Yes, you are probably going to lose him for what you did. Just be straightforward about the whole thing.

Don't hurt your fiancee by keeping this a secret. He deserves to know, and by being dishonest you'll only prove to him more that the relationship might not be one worth continuing.

Fess up. It might end up okay, and it might not, but at least you'll know that you didn't add to your bad decision by making more. If you two have had a good relationship up to this point then there's a good chance you'll be able to get past this. If you haven't, well, then things needed to change anyways.

I agree with everyone else, you should tell him. Better to be honest, at the very least it will show that you wont hide anything from him. Besides trust is a major factor in any relationship, he needs to know how he can trust you. Its easier said than done but its what has to be done...

If you REALLY are in love with your fiance, and I mean IN love, not just loving him (they are different), then you shouldn't keep secrets from him.
It's quite possible that he may feel strongly enough to stay with you, but he probably won't trust you again and if you two do stay together your relationship with slowly plummit (I know this for fact)
In all honesty, since you took it to the extreme to have sex with your ex, you should probably just break up with your fiance, because it's never going to be the same now
I'm not trying to guilt you, I just know how these things go

I don't think there is any other option than telling him. My best bet is to tell him when you are both sitting down, in front of each other. You can either tell him the whole story, or tell him straight out that you cheated on him. I would go with telling him right away, without making excuses, let him get angry or sad. It will hurt, but maybe it will make it easiere for him, if you are straightforward. Don't explain yourself, unless he askes for it, as it may make him more emotional. You can of course show that you are sad, but the moment you tells him, it's much about his feelings. I really hope that he'll forgive you :( And I hope someone kicks your ex where it hurts the most, since he promised not to do anything..! Have you talked about anyone about not being able to say no? It can also ruin further relationships, if your ex keeps making you do it, so maybe some talking with your doctor could help you.

I'm so sorry that happened. :C
Are you sure you don't still have feelings for your ex? I mean, I know you were just playing, and then you felt awkward saying no, and then you froze up but... maybe you really did want to. I know it's not what you want to hear, but that's for you to consider.
In my experience, it is always best to tell your SO the truth. I know it won't be the easiest thing, but he deserves to know the truth, and you need to give him time to come to terms with him. It won't be fun, but you already know that. All you can really do now is hope he'll forgive you. :/
And don't ever think you're not worth it. Sure, you made a bad decision, but that does not make you a bad person.

Is there any way he'd find out if you didn't tell him? And do you promise to never do it again and be strong enough to say no next time?

If the answer is yes to both questions, then DON'T tell him. Just live with the guilt. It's your punishment for messing up and he doesn't deserve to be hurt as well because YOU made a mistake.

I've read that this is good advice and I believe it is true if there's no way he'll find out otherwise.

My boyfriend was doing something very bad behind my back. I don't want to say what it was, but it was similar (although different and more complicated) to what happened with you and your fiance.

It was one of the most horrendous experiences in my life. He said he'd stop doing the thing he was doing, but it didn't matter. I had an out of body experience. I felt like I was going to vomit and I just felt like the world didn't make sense anymore and was destroyed. I cried for a few months and got suicidal and all over something that *I* didn't do. It was something someone else did selfishly towards me.

It's been awhile since it happened. About a year and I'm still with him and I forgive him and he's promised me that he'll never do it again, but honestly, I don't trust him the same way that I did and never will. I never worried about him in this area and now I do on occasion. I have to keep it to myself because it destroys a relationship to keep bringing up the past all the time and worrying about it, but I was completely changed and harmed from hearing about what he did. It's not like I panic every second about it anymore, but it's just this tiny nagging doubt in the back of my mind, where I go,"What if he's doing that behind my back still? He hid it so well. I'll never know if he is for sure or not anymore and I don't want to watch everything he does all the time like a paranoid person."

I don't trust guys anymore at all either anymore. The guy I was with was the one guy in the world that I knew who would tell his friends that being promiscuous and cheating on girls and looking at porn was bad and that's a big reason why I dated him and then I found out he did this horrible thing to me and I felt like my life ended right at that moment.

Why would you want to hurt him that way? Why does it make logical sense to tell the other person and destroy them? I wish he had never told me! If he really stopped what he was doing, then I wish he just stopped and never let me know about it. I would be more sane if he had.

I mean, I understand wanting people to be honest in relationships. Now I require it of him, that if he ever does it again, he HAS to tell me, so I have a right to leave him if I want to and don't have to constantly be looking over his shoulder at what he does, but that's different because he already hurt me. >_< Don't break that trust he has with you unless you have to. Even if it turns out good for you and he stays with you, it will be horrible for him.

I just want you to consider this perspective before you make a decision, even if you decide to tell him in the end.

I'd fess up and clear my conscious. If you bottle up then it will will come back to haunt you. Perhaps you need to re-examine your relationship with your fiancée. Although you feel terrible about it you need to ask why you did it in the first place. Do you really want to settle down just yet? Do want to settle down with him? How old are you, if your still quite young perhaps you want to go off and experience the world a little more before committing yourself to one person. People change and hearts can't stay the same forever. Hope you figure it out.

Well in the end of the night he did find out. I honestly cannot keep secrets from him and he had managed to guess as much after my ex continued to IM me whenever we opened my computer. He was pissed understandably and we did almost end things but for some reason he chose to stay with me and actually came looking for me after he took a walk and found I wasn't there because I couldn't deal with just sitting on my driveway waiting for him to come back. He told me was tempted to leave and go to his work, and sleep with a girl there whom has been interested in him and he wanted to kick my ex's ass, and he's told me he doesn't fight because the only time he did, he broke the other guy's arm.

He claim's he's forgiven me completely, I have my doubts there but I'm not going to push my luck. The engagement is off for now and he's asked that I cut myself off from my ex. I didn't particularly want to do it because I will admit to still have feelings for him and he was my "first," in a sense. (We kind of did everything except having sex when together,) and I've had an attachment since then. It kind of killed me a little to hear it but my ex told me that he was done fucking things up and would just stop talking to me in order to make my life easier. I have a feeling we'll be taking a "break," pretty soon because this kind of proves I'm not really ready to settle down just yet and may need time to actually sort things out.

At least it's out in the open now. Let the dust settle and see what happens :)

I'm glad you told him, but you do realize that the trust you and your boyfriend once had, can never be the same again. Not for a long time anyway, but props on telling him the truth.
And judging by the fact that you still have feelings for your ex tells me that maybe you're not ready to commit to your boyfriend. In my opinion, it may be best to go on a break to clear up your mind towards where your feelings lie. Because let's face it, even if you guys are still together, your boyfriend will realize that your heart also belongs to another man, and that will hurt him in the long run.
Plus going on a break will allow things to calm down. Your boyfriend is pissed, I'm sure of it, but time alone will help calm the both of you.

As for your ex-boyfriend, no offense, but he sounds manipulative. He took advantage of you even though he promised you he wouldn't do anything. I'd suggest you steer clear from him for awhile.
And the fact that you have an inability to say no sounds alarming. Have you seen a counselor about this? Someone could easily have taken advantage of you, like your ex just did.

I hope everything works out for the both of you. I'm sorry you 2 had to call off the engagement.

It's good that you've told him, Allure, and I think now what you need to do is keep being humble and let him know how truly sorry you are.
If you let him know you're genuinely remorseful, and you feel so sorry that you'll never do it again, he'll be more likely to be able to move on and learn to trust you again.
Everyone makes mistakes.

And I can see why he wants you to cut off contact with your ex. The fact that you cheated with him might be hurting your fiance more than it would have been if you'd just picked up some one night stand.
This is someone that you have a history with, and you clearly still have some feelings for, and the fact is that the day you had sex with him, you put his wants over the wants of your fiance. It's no wonder he's jealous.

So I think it's time to choose who is more important to you. If you want to salvage your relationship with your fiance, it might be time to sever contact with your ex.

I agree with the above two posts. Your fiance (ex-fiance? boyfriend? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to call him at this point) will not be able to trust you again unless you show him and prove to him that you only love him and that you have no feelings or desires for anyone else and if you still have feelings for your ex, then it's impossible to give him that. It's best that you take a break for now probably if you're still confused.

If you think your going to lose him either way why dont you tell him before someone else does? that way he wont be as hurt.

It sounds like you got pressured. I am a firm believer that consent should always be enthusiastic, and someone saying "okay" and feeling uncomfortable isn't good enough. I think that is a reason you should feel less guilty about this, because it's not like you were indulging in some wild desire for someone outside your relationship...you were just falling into an old habit of not sticking up for yourself. I think if you explain to your fiance that he's the one you love, and that you just didn't know how to say no properly at the time, he might understand.

That said, you did engage in a truth-or-dare stripping game with an ex while you're engaged to someone. That's probably not appropriate. You do have something to apologize for.

I think you should tell him...to do otherwise would be dishonest, and you shouldn't found your marriage on a false faithfulness and dishonesty.

Come clean, my dear. Its your best option.

Sure, your fiance will react in ways that will be ugly, but its obviously better that marrying him and having to deal with this baggage in your marriage.

And if he really loves you, he will forgive you. Why? Because thats real love. and it makes make-up sex all the worth while! :wink:

Originally Posted by BlizzardPixie

If you think your going to lose him either way why dont you tell him before someone else does? that way he wont be as hurt.

Originally Posted by chong69

Come clean, my dear. Its your best option.

Sure, your fiance will react in ways that will be ugly, but its obviously better that marrying him and having to deal with this baggage in your marriage.

And if he really loves you, he will forgive you. Why? Because thats real love. and it makes make-up sex all the worth while! :wink:

You guys need to read all the posts in a thread before replying to it. XD She already did tell him.