I have this friend. We've been friends for 13 years. But I don't get to see her very often because her boyfriend doesn't like me.

The guy is a complete douche.

Candi is about a size 7, maybe 9 and he tells her she's fat. He has her on a diet.
He monitors her calorie intake and tells her what she can and can't eat.
She's not allowed to have rice or noodles.

She has to wear her hair a certain way and wear certain clothes.

Right now, I'm 5 weeks pregnant. And I'm highly susceptible to miscarriages for the first trimester. So I really can't be home alone for long periods of time. Just in case something happens.
So Candi was coming to stay the week with me. I live about an hour away from her. Well, she was supposed to go home tomorrow. But her boyfriend, who just hates me, came and got her yesterday.

He claims I'm a whore because the baby's father and I are not married, as of yet.
And that I'm going to corrupt her. I've known the girl for 13 years, if I haven't corrupted her by now, I doubt it's going to happen. Besides, it's not like I'm a bad person. And every time they fight, I'm the first person she comes to. But do I tell her to leave him? No. Why? Because it's not my place to tell her what to do. She's a big girl and can make her own decisions. I just wish she would come to her senses and get rid of him.

The guy tells her how useless she is all the time.
Just the other day, she was on the phone with him. I could hear the whole conversation. He kept telling her that she was a lying tramp and that I probably had guys over and that we were drinking. Hello? I'm PREGNANT! I don't drink you douche monger! And then I said something to her, and he was like "Who's that?" and she said it was me and he totally said "Sounds like a woman." ...no shit dude...I am one...He's an idiot.

Oh yeah, did I mention that he's 26 and she's 19 and he still lives with his parents and has a curfew? Or that he won't let her drive? She's not allowed to get her license. Because then she'll be able to go places without him.

And she doesn't even really like him! She is in love with another guy, but is too afraid to tell him how she feels. He's in the military and she thinks that will hinder any chances she may have with him.

She claims that the only reason she's still with the douche is because he has her on his cell phone plan and he told her that if they ever broke up, she would have to pay the $250 dollar early termination fee, and she has no job, so no way to pay that.
I personally think that is a stupid reason to stay with someone who treats you like that, but it's her logic.

Am I wrong for not liking this guy?

That guy is awful! Although I know how it is to be in a relationship and be blind to all the negative things. Maybe gently point them out, don't get on your girls case, but make sure she see' all the bad things.
Encourage her to go for the military guy. Off-handedly point out how cute he is, or how nice, or something like that. Just enough so that she thinks about her current situation.

The thing is, she actually tells me how horrible he is, so she has to see it. I know for a fact that the guy she wants likes her. He's just never been in a relationship so he's a little...set back by asking her.

But I can't get her to tell him how she feels either.

It's like a deadlock.

oh man I hate it when that happens. And you're just waiting for one of them to make a move.
hmm... Ususally if they can see the negative they leave... The threat about the cell phone is well a douche bag move. Any idea why he wants your friend so much?

Ok then I would totally have a session where you explain to her that she has to get out of that relationship. Don't nudge, push her to be with the other guy. If you know his feelings I'm assuming your friends with him, so go ahead and push him to if you want.

It's pretty clear why he wants her so much... It's because he's a control freak, and she's allowing herself to be manipulated and controlled. If the only thing keeping them together is the cell phone bill, surely she can borrow that money from SOMEONE? It's obviously a very unhealthy relationship, and your friend needs to get out NOW, not later, before it's too late and he potentially starts to get physical with her... I know that type of man very well, and they're no good to be with.

You should really talk to her, and at least express your concerns without telling her what to do. Make her aware that you're worried about her, and you really hope she does the right thing. The problem is, you can only say so much, and leave it up to her to make the right choice... But if she knows she has the support of her friends and loved ones, it'll be a much easier decision.

I really hope your friend does the right thing... It'd be awful if she continued to let herself be a victim.

It sounds like my ex husband. Eventually most of us come out of our haze and see the one we 'love' for what they really are. Just keep an eye out. By the time my eyes were opened my husband had already become physically abusive. I really thought he would kill me.

Nissa, that's awful ._. I'm so glad to hear that you opened your eyes and got out before he DID kill you.

honestly that guy should just die!!! god! why did she even stayed that long with him?
you should at least make your friend realize that if she kept him too long with her
it would be so hard to get rid of him... mehn!

Can she borrow the termination fee from her parents? I can't see why that's an unreasonable request. If not, I'd suggest she find some quick cash from mowing lawns, cleaning houses, baby sitting, or anything else. Or, borrow from friends and get a job to pay them back. There's no reason she should cheat herself a chance at happiness over $250. And, I'd say it's a great deal. $250 to break up with a manipulative/mentally abusive boyfriend? It beats the thousands of dollars that would be paid further down the road if she stuck with him long enough to get married, be physically abused, have children, go through a divorce, need a therapist, etc. If she knows how bad he is, I'm sure you could make her see the worth in paying $250.

I really hope everything turns out well for both of you.

Screw that, he sounds like a total control freak and it sounds like your friend doesn't know what to do or she just doesn't care. Emotional abuse can be twice as hard to get over as to physical abuse. If the guy doesn't like you, his loss not yours.Maybe you should tell your friend that you two need to take a break because of her abusive boyfriend. I know this may sound harsh and I'm sure you do not want to do such a thing, but if it's putting your baby in jeopardy and your own welling being you need to think twice about "friends and drama" right now.

This parasite relationship is going to hurt her. Badly; especially if you don't cut it off while it's still (sorta)young. If the boyfriend is blackmailing her then tell her that she doesn't need to pay since he was the one who signed the contract on the stupid cellphone plan.

that guy is just evil and paying $250 for the bill for early termination is like black-mailing already...I just hope your friend will have the courage to face that guy to stop controlling her...as what the others have shared and told..of their advices..

she could try borrowing the money if that is the only situation stopping her from leaving the guy, then she could get a part-time job? to earn the money and pay it back slowly to whom she borrowed the money from friends or parents(?)

just try to convince her to split with the guy..in the end it is still her decision to make....to end it and go for the other guy or to stay and be controlled with this guy :(

wow i hope she does dump him soon.

But it reminds me of my little sister's relationship with her "true love," they fight constantly, even for a second their in my car. They fight, over stupid little stuff. Such as changing pants inside a gas station.

Hmm maybe if she breaks up with him, can she just send in a harassing report to the police? I mean she doesn't have to pay since the plan isn't in her name?

And probably telling her, lightly, to break up with him could help? >:

Absolutely not! If some guy treated my friend like that, it would be raining hell. Im sorry she has to put up with that, and im sorry you have to put up with him treating both of you like that. I had a friend like that before. Emotional abuse is one of the hardest ones, and about that 250 dollar termination fee, she dosent have to pay that, and theres nothing he can do legaly or anything about it because it was his choice to put her on the plan. All she has to do is dump him, and theres technicaly nothing he can do to harm her or anything, hes just trying to scare her. Ive been there with my friend before, i think she just needs a good friends push, and she can do it, but you will realy have to be there for her. again I'm sorry he put you through this. And final statement, CONGRATS ON THE BABY :)

I agree with all the posts above mine, but just want to say something . . . . .

Your friend is very frightened. I'm not sure of what. Being alone. Or she's just an insecure person and needs validation, but trust me, she's not staying with him because she'll owe him money if she does, she's staying with him because she's scared and can't find the strength to leave him. You need to help her find that strength and push her to do it. Usually I'd say you can't push anyone to do anything, but in this situation, I know she wants out and just needs a friend to push her to get out.

I was in a similar situation one time. This guy was already emotionally abusing me and I agreed to be in a relationship with him (it winded up only lasting a day, so I don't usually count it), even though I didn't want to be because I was scared and as soon as I told one of my friends, she said,"You're dating THAT guy?! Well, if you expect me to hold any respect for you after this moment, then you're sadly mistaken. I have zero respect for you right now." It hurt so bad for my friend to say that, but it snapped me into doing the right thing. It would have dragged on a lot longer if she hadn't done that though.

Unfortunately, I am in a similar situation as you. My best friend for seven years now has been making horrible decisions since we graduated (well, I graduated, she moved to Utah with her bf - also a douche) and about two years ago she rejoined the army. I didn't tell her not to because I knew she was unhappy working where she was. But she hated it. Got engaged once and that ended, then not four months later she was getting married to a different guy. I did try to caution her against it because I myself had just recently been divorced (that's another long story) and knew she was making to rash of a decision. They came down this last summer/fall and I have to tell you that this guy is almost the exact way, just add a huge ego on top.

And really, there's nothing you can do for them but continue to tell them they can do better, that you are there for them whenever they need you. My friend, as of this moment, is stationed in Korea and may be discharged from the army. Her "husband" told her he would divorce her if she came back home instead of living with a friend because he couldn't trust her. Ugh. I told her that it might be a good thing if he leaves her and that she has family here that loves her and would help her.

I don't know your exact situation or hers for that matter but I think the best way to dispel that fear of paying the $250 early termination fee is to let her know you could or would find a way to her help her with that. She doesn't need some douche-packer asshole to continue to run her life when she can and does deserve better. That's really the best thing you can do for her.

And if she is scared for other reasons, you need to get her to file a report and get the law involved because trust me that shit doesn't change. I speak from my own experience there.

I've been in that postition before. I had a best friend, who I met in 5th grade, she started dating this guy, and once we were on the phone together, he slammed her against the wall. I'd tried voicing how I thought that she should leave before she gets really hurt. She never listend to me, now they are planning to get married, I doubt she'll ever snap back into reality.

My advice, tell your friend that you think she should leave him, tell her why, and even offer to call the police fer her. Don't get you or your baby hurt, but offer to be there for your friend.

Oh, and about him saying your a whore? I guess that makes me one too, because I'm not married to my son's father yet. lol. we plan to get married in June. Just don't have a date yet.

Thank you all for the advice.

She has not spoken to me since she left last week. Not that I should be surprised.
She'll call me again as soon as something else goes wrong.

She knows I'm here for her, and how I feel about the douche. And she also knows, that I can be a very violent person, in a very subtle way, so he's going to have hell to pay if I ever find out he's laid a hand on her.

She's a good girl. And she deserves so much better. I'm not sure why I can't make her see that.

And I also found out that he only dates younger girls.
He was dating one of her other friends from school before they together and she's a year younger than my friend.
He prefers them around 18.

I think that's more than just messed up...and mainly because he can't get a girl his own age -.-'

Originally Posted by Amaya Dimir

And I also found out that he only dates younger girls.
He was dating one of her other friends from school before they together and she's a year younger than my friend.
He prefers them around 18.

I think that's more than just messed up...and mainly because he can't get a girl his own age -.-'

That can sometimes be a sign of a pedophile. It's very scary when our friends get into trouble, and wont listen.