so this is a rant.
but im not sure what to do with all this pent up anxiety anymore.
I moved out last october and moved to another town away from my family. After i did that i got disowned. Ill be 20 this year and im looking to be married soon hopefully but i dont really have any family anymore which hurts but im getting by..
except lately ive been having nightmare after nightmare about my family and just a bunch of crazy shit happening to me or them. for awhile i blew it off because dreams are dreams ya know, end of story. Well no..you see before i moved out my younger sister overdosed and was put in a mental facility, where she still resides, and i havnt been able to see or talk to her or anything. She was diagnosed bipolar and somehow my mother blamed that on me..as with everything else that went on. So my family wants nothing to do me..i moved in my fiance and we were doing great! I finally got my liscense, and i also finally got registered for classes at our college here. I should be happy right? i got out of a bad environment and am moving forward so i should be happy? It would make sense..well money is always gone every month. we barely make enough for rent yet alone food and gas for the jeep. I have to sell MY jeep so that we can have the extra money to buy a a lil car because he doesnt want to get rid of his jeep. Well alright makes sense, i cant afford the insurance on it anyway.
I dont know, theres just all these lil things that he'll say or do that make me really wonder if he really wants me there. I mean we've been together about 4 years now and most of the time its great, but like i said, i dont know why im not happy?? I do the good lil wife-ee things like dishes and laundry and dinner, but i almost never leave the house except for work and friends--well ive always been shy so friends were never able to get close to me..i just dont know what to do with myself, and ive tried telling him whats going on in my head but i always get the response that "we've already talked about this, your fine" well obviously im not..
anyone else in a stay home situation?? what kind of things do you guys do to relax yourself? Im at the point where my normal routines for relaxing arent working anymore and are just making me more unhappy..any thoughts maybe?????

Hmm, have you requested food stamps? (money issue wise D: ) Since they are a big help, I'm not sure about it since i still have to get mine...which is too lazy =3='''

Well i kinda understand you problem with your fiance just pushing it to the side.

What I do is go out for a drive, smoke some cigs, listen to music, watch some movies on skype with my friend, rant(either in allowed threads or blogs), draw and play video games whenever the mood kicks in.
Bet probably those won't help you since it's best for you not to smoke and you don't have a car for yourself. >3<

Hmm would you like to tell someone about your problem? What I would like to help with is either listen to what you have to say, or you can tell me about your dreams. O_= (sorry I like listening to peoples about their dreams, if it will help them) >:

Or do you have a feeling that you want to accomplish something bigger? O_=

thank you :)
naw we havnt applied for food stamps yet, im filing my unemployment and trying to get that pain rolling lol see we work at the same place and after season our boss was an idiot and kept every seasonal, so me and him have been getting like 4 hours of work a week---thats like 30 dollars a week..so im trying to get the unemployment rolling cause thats an extra 100 a week but the process is insane! Are you on unemploymeny also????
Yea it kinda just gets pushed aside..but i had a pretty bad meltdown earlier and he listened, he put down the controller and listened more than normal---so it felt good to get it out there ya know??
yea i normally go like out back or in the front and smoke but sometimes smooking alone is awful! haha but yea i normally used to do all of those things you suggested, but heres were i cant figure it out--like all the ambition is like..gone somehow?? yea the car thing really makes me feel just..stuck.. >.> literally >.<
yea i mean its so nice to have someone unbiased and with an open year to just kinda let it all out. thank you :)
god the dreams are getting more and more violent. My mother was verbally and she used to be very physically abusive, so of course i left as soon as i saved up enough to leave, but damn these dreams are like--haunting. My sister is in a rehab facility so whenever she comes into the dreams (very rarely for some reason) shes like....beautiful. my mom is always trying to kill me somehow whether with a go cart or what o.o but idk..theyre really odd.
and oh yes!my god i wanna go school now and and actually be able to go places like on my own account instead of having to be driven everywhere cause its his car, and i want to get a better job that actually makes me feel good about working and just, hav our own little apartment instead of having a inconsiderate dick cowboy of a roomate lol

I know money's tight right now, but it sounds to me like you could use a therapist or something. I'm not trying to say you're crazy or anything, don't get me wrong; I know exactly how you feel, and was in the same situation (well, being stuck at home while living with a significant other, anyways) a couple years ago before I broke it off.
But what you're saying here, it sounds like you could be dealing with something other than normal boredom or sadness. It honestly sounds like depression to me, and if that's the case, you're going to want to get help; letting it fester doesn't help anyone, least of all you. As for how to fund actually GETTING to a doctor of some sort, try asking your local health department if there are any free clinics around your area. I know my town has at least discounted clinics, that charge based on income, so you may find something similar that will benefit you.
I really do wish you luck, with whatever you decide to do.

Well I'm not exactly in the same situation though I have watched my mom struggle. Have you thought of family concealing? I'm kinda in the same situation with my dad though. I have a feeling him and my step mom are going to hate me because I told my mom to turn my dad into child support division for not paying the right amount of child support. I am sorry to here about your little sister and I hope you get to talk to her soon. I know how it feels to be blamed for something that you didn't do or you couldn't control. May God bless your life.

Our landlandy, she lives upstairs, she was always batting at me if i was depressed. Now ive been through massice depression boughts before and they were very constant. It runs in my family, i dont think its skipped a generation yet. And id love to be able to go talk with someone but i have no idea how that would affect me and him. It would prolly take him by surprize and idk..its kinda like theres a line there that i dont cross. :/ When we talk about the stressful things or when im trying to vent to him, ,his problems and worries are always bigger than mine and im told to suck it up basically. Now dont get me wrong, hes a wonderful guy. This is only a small fraction of what goes on between us but oh idk. I know that as of right now i have to get all of my medical stuff done at planned parenthood, but ima have to ask if they know of another clinic where i can go to just talk. Im not taking what you said offensivly no, i understand. Ive been trying to tell myself that im alright and im just being a baby about it all but :/
as for family counseling, well we've been up n down inside out with that. Primarily theyre focused on my sister and her recovery, which i completly understand. Id do the same if i was in their shoes. Maybe its just an american thing where we want things to happen NOW ya know? I want to fix everything right now and just have it all be alright. Thank you guys :)

hmm oh and what else i do is, whenever i smoke i talk to someone, either they can smoke or not doesn't really matter. I don't know just makes it feel like a bond or something o3o

it is like a bond huh! Me and him were talking about that the other day. How a smoker and another smoker can get a conversation going out of the blue with just that common factor of smoking. And how people who dont smoke seem to not talk around other people they dont as well. Its kinda fascinating in a sense .

Yea and it's kinda weird too, since most of my friends aren't smokers....and I'm always the one who seems to keep up the conversation. Kinda annoying too O_=

Really? o.0 Most of my friends nowadays happened to turned out to be smokers. Theres always more to talk about for some reason. And yea, i totally can relate to that one. It was really annoying when everyone would just sit there and not even listen to what you were saying. It was as if they were lawn knomes or something >.>

Yea, and this one old friend, not anymore, hates smokers. He won't talk to you at all just because you smoke. (sorry off topic)

So has you gotten food stamps yet? Or anything that would help your money situation? o3o!

Hmm and have you nagged your bf about him talking to you like he shrugs is off again? heh sorry, always willing to hear someones problems, even if their not resolved yet. heh

omg i had friends like that too! they would nag and nag and finally just find some off justification to not talk to you anymore >.> thats why i prefer friends that do smoke compared to those who dont now. Its friendlier that way :)

OH! so okay i was trying to get my unemployment going and it was problem after problem after problem >.> well lets see---last saturday i think i had an interview at a deli down the road and i got hired! so my first day was this past monday, and im making 9 an hour and ive got 32 hours this week, so if i can keep that schedule up i wont need the unemployment anymore and ill be hopefully making like 900 a month. Then earlier this week he got offered another job at T-mobile getting hte same as me plus commision. So hopefully he grabs at that REAL soon because if he got that then we'd be doing mroe that okay. Now i dont get paid until like two weeks so im working two jobs right now but thats alright, itll get us out of this place and into our own. And as for the communication thing, i did have a talk with him, plus alot of meltdowns :/ but hes gotten better, especially since ive started that new job, idk just the thought of being able to have more than 30$ a week kinda relieved alot of stress on us. But ive just been working my ass off really hard and hes been especially supportive and sweet to me lately. And thats helped alot :)
thank you so much though! i really enjoy taling to you :)

o3o no problem lol Now i need a new job lmfao Hehe and with the friends that smoke, it's hard since I seriously don't look like a smoker...which is sad but funny. Just that people around here, think it's bad... eh oh well that's life.

But i'm happy to help ^3^ even if it's something little. So happy for you I am! o3o! Just don't work too hard. ^-^