I normally don't go into my personal matters online, but I really need some advice about my love life situation here, please be advised this is a mature serious matter and if you can't handle this please stop reading now.... It's long so you've been warned.

It all started when I met this man a year and a half ago on a bus, I wasn't attracted to him then but felt bad for pre judging him so we went out for a beer after a somewhat friendly but awkward conversation. It turned out we really enjoyed each other's company and we went back to my place and I told him I was gay and knew he wasn't but he came on to me anyway even though he said he wasn't and we made out. (I thought it is just the alcohol) A month later we actually end up going all the way for the first time. Of course he swore he didn't remember anything. Well to complicate things further he tells me he's bi-polar. I just got out of a really bad relationship so my defenses are up. Of course he says he's straight and one night he wanted me to hang out with him so I told him I really needed to go hang out with some like minded people and he basically wanted me not to go so he initiated me again just so I wouldn't and I thought that was weird and he immediately told me he got nothing out of it, which I thought was strange for someone who was stimulated. It happened one more time, then my friends at work told me to quit hanging out with him. The bi-polar issue was a lot but I was able to deal with it because he listened to me. I don't know why but he did. So for almost six months we had only incidental contact, he would call me to come see him but I always turned him away. Months later on a Halloween night he found me at a bar in town (not gay) where we were having a Halloween contest. There was a woman really interested in him who wanted to dance with him and possibly hook up with. Oddly enough, the guy who was with her turned out to be bisexual and wanted to hook up with me. It wasn't more than five minutes talking to this other guy that my "friend" came over and got me and wanted to go back to my house. From that time on we slowly began reconnecting and on Thanksgiving he wanted to go home with me to my parents house and I didn't know what to tell him. Once December arrived we began hanging out almost every single day.
Then he told me he and I would never have sex again and that he hoped we could continue to remains friends even though he and I would most likely not happen. I was kind of hurt by this as it was January because before when I asked him if it would happen again he said maybe; but because I like him so much I was ok with it. Well I have always been told no means yes and never means maybe....lol Well it proved to be true. It took a couple months and of course he likes the alcohol to be present to he can blaim it on that. But he did more sexual things that I didn't think he would do. He got uncomfortable with it later and he said he needed his space, and I was like fine. That lasted a day and half, he was calling me. So we have hooked up a total of seven times among that many on minor incidents and he swears he's not gay, but on occassion admits to be being maybe bisexual. He tells me he likes women and can't see himself with another man, but yet he spends all his time with me rather than going out to pursue women. I'm so confused, my other friends tell me not to push the issue that he is just in denial and I asked him why did it happen so many times and all he could say is he doesn't know. One time he told me alcohol brings out true feelings then after the fact he said alcohol lowers inhibitions and causes you to lose control...same thing! Ok just to strengthen my argument, when we go out together he gets over protective of me. Anyone could barely say something out of the way to me and he would warn them sternly. There were even a couple of instances when he physically put a couple people in their places. I was shocked that he cared that much. He even told me that he trusted me more than his ex girlfriend of four years whome he loved!! He said he had more toleration for me than anyone in his life!! He said he couldn't afford to be hurt again... Later when he was sober he invalidated that by saying that he just didn't trust women... One night I fell and hurt my ankle and had to hobble down town and instead he threw me over his shoulder and carried me a half block!

Bottom line is that I really love this guy and I need all the support I can get because support keeps me sain. I'm being patient for now but I need honest opinions...

Thank you for caring enought to read ~

He likes you he is just afraid to admit it. But would you really want to be with someone that is like that?

I think the question is just whether or not you are ready for a serious relationship. If you don't mind this cat-and-mouse game and understand that he can potentially break your heart, then it's entirely your choice to continue "dating". Honestly, there's nothing wrong with this. You like him, you're having a good time, so why not keep it up? Life is about doing what makes you happy.

But if you find yourself falling for him a bit too hard and really need more out of a relationship, then I believe that you are looking at the wrong person. Yes, he may be great. Yes, you two may seem like an amazing match. But is it really worth it if he can't be open and honest about how he feels? Do you really want to be with someone who requires alcohol in order to "be himself"?

Originally Posted by ziatenaj

He likes you he is just afraid to admit it. But would you really want to be with someone that is like that?

I understand someone who is insecure for now needs time, maybe in time he will? I'm not pushing him right this second but hopefully time will either make us or break us.
We share a lot of personal stuff that we don't share with many other people, he and I are very close in that regard and communicate on that. For instance we share a lot of our child hoods good and bad memories together. We do connect quite well in and he admits we click really well. I have no one else that is interested in me nor do I have the energy to go out looking for anyone else. So I figured well, maybe I should wait it out a bit and see. It's true I do like him a lot, but he was raised by a marine and was in the marines himself. Raised with strict rules. He has told me that I'm the first man he has had this kind of relationship with.


@Knerd ~
It's also very hard to admit to being gay or even bi. I remember how hard it was for me. I don't expect a relationship right off the bat. I'm hoping for one.
Plus he's told me he's had too many people abandon him in his life. Right now I'm just waiting but in the mean time I have my own issues which I'm at odds with which thank God for all of you great people here to care enough to respond.

You're right, I give him power over me by falling for him to where I can potentially get my heart broke. Yes, the problem with myself, is maybe I'm not being totally in control of my own life. I'm having fun to a certain extent, but there is a price to pay.

Everything you say is correct, but I just find myself unable to get up and walk away. I'm moving to England next August. Who knows what may happen between now and then. I do know this much that I have feelings for him but I will not deviate from my career path for this guy no matter how much I love him.

Id say do what makes you happy :) Although to not fall to hard for this guy. I was into this guy who had a very very simliar routine, he flirt and acre and then leave me and then id hold on and hed come back and then we hooked up and he "needed his space" and then i fell hard and was leaft alone then he came back and it was exhausting really. Eventually i got so tired of the constant confusion and worry and stress that i told him to F off but in your case just be careful. Obviously he's stuck around you more for more a constant time (months) and that says alot right there. Now as for the bipolar, that can affect your relationship if he doesnt take his medication ro if you cant recognize a cycle occuring. Bipolar runs in my family and it can be scary if you dont know ehat to expect. So if you just talk to him and and take careful steps with eachother, i dont see anything wrong with your guys relationship :) And it sounds like your doing an amazing job and extremly patient with this guy :) so go for it tiger XD

Only you (not him) can say if things are serious for you. If things are serious for you but not him, that's where things either need to change or you need to stop dating (for lack of a better name to call what it is that you two do).

If he's throwing you for a loop and you like him... A-OK! ;)
If he's throwing you for a loop and you love him... NOT OKAY!

^I had a long thought out structure of paragraphs, but at the end of it... I think that's all I feel I need to say.^

Originally Posted by Azshare

Id say do what makes you happy :) Although to not fall to hard for this guy. I was into this guy who had a very very simliar routine, he flirt and acre and then leave me and then id hold on and hed come back and then we hooked up and he "needed his space" and then i fell hard and was leaft alone then he came back and it was exhausting really. Eventually i got so tired of the constant confusion and worry and stress that i told him to F off but in your case just be careful. Obviously he's stuck around you more for more a constant time (months) and that says alot right there. Now as for the bipolar, that can affect your relationship if he doesnt take his medication ro if you cant recognize a cycle occuring. Bipolar runs in my family and it can be scary if you dont know ehat to expect. So if you just talk to him and and take careful steps with eachother, i dont see anything wrong with your guys relationship :) And it sounds like your doing an amazing job and extremly patient with this guy :) so go for it tiger XD

Well, guys who have routines like that are cruel. I have been played like that in the past too once and I did the same thing you did and told him to f___ off. It is physically and mentally exhausting. As far as us "dating" we have been seeing each other since December seriously as in we see eachother every day. There's really more to it. I have this gay guy friend who is in his late forties. He and I are just friends and he has a lover who is bi-polar as well and is twenty years younger (which I really don't agree with, but hey if he's happy who cares) We have been going down there and hanging out and we talk and when I look at (I will call him Jack the guy I like) his eyes I can see that there is a love which he restrains. He jokes about us having sex a lot I notice when we are around other gay people he knows and feels comfortable. Sometimes I sit in his lap and he doesn't complain. I have a couple classes this semester in school and I have time and I am a very patient person.
The current situation is that he is on probabation and his probation officer is a bitch. She violated him and now he has to go to court April 30th. So he's been under a lot of pressure and I have been taking him to a temp work service at 4:30 in the morning.

@Mocha ~ Well it I am in love with him and I'm willing to wait for now until he gives me a reason not too. As long as we continue to see each other. I really think that some people need time. He will see that I have been there for him but if he ignores and doesn't give credit where it's deserved. When time comes I'm gone and he will be alone.

they are completly cruel! Its just a sex thing with most of them like that to :( and whats sad is that its like they actually study how to get that out of suseptable people :( im sorry to hear that youve been through that also :( thats never any fun..and its so exhausting, and it makes you feel ike such less a person than you really are.
But thats great i think that you have friends that you guys can go see where he feels comfortable, especially with you :) (i agrre on the whole 20 years younger thing, but like you said, if hes happy then so be it :) ) and i think that if you can see the glimmer of love in his eyes, then theres reason enough to wait it out :) I talk that one from experience also ^.^
What a bitch! how did she violate him??!! did he report her at all??? omg thats awful! i bet he's feeling alot of heat from that alone! and thats so wonderful of you that youve been there for him through it! I would think that he would recognize what a gem has fallen in his lap ;D

Originally Posted by Azshare

they are completly cruel! Its just a sex thing with most of them like that to :( and whats sad is that its like they actually study how to get that out of suseptable people :( im sorry to hear that youve been through that also :( thats never any fun..and its so exhausting, and it makes you feel ike such less a person than you really are.
But thats great i think that you have friends that you guys can go see where he feels comfortable, especially with you :) (i agrre on the whole 20 years younger thing, but like you said, if hes happy then so be it :) ) and i think that if you can see the glimmer of love in his eyes, then theres reason enough to wait it out :) I talk that one from experience also ^.^
What a bitch! how did she violate him??!! did he report her at all??? omg thats awful! i bet he's feeling alot of heat from that alone! and thats so wonderful of you that youve been there for him through it! I would think that he would recognize what a gem has fallen in his lap ;D

The older gay guy friend of mine is kind of pissed at my friend and I for not coming down to work on his engine this week. He had this weekend, but his little 23 year old lover was getting out of jail so they had to spend some "time alone" together and the probation bitch said if he even leaves town he will be arrested. It's just too risky during the week. He should have thought of that before he asked us to leave to give him alone time.
Yesterday I took him to work at a temp service and there are lots of rednecks. Some people there know I'm gay and my friend Jack is in the closet for sure "ex marine" people making comments to him about being gay really bothers him. He lied to one woman who actually knows about us, hopefully she won't go telling those people. After a long day and night we hung out last night for a couple hours just talking and playing games. I still feel the connection, he gave 5 dollars for gas. He's trying to make 600 before his court date to pay his fines. He had some weed in his system so that kind of caused him problems.
Well I promised I would stay by his side. I think he really likes that fact that he knows should all fail him that I won't. It would be different if he were a bum and didn't care but he does care about himself. One day at a time, I'm not pushing the relationship issue, because I don't feel now is the right time. He still needs time to accept himself. Hopefully things will continue to work I have to go to court may 5th over something stupid I did, nothing serious.

My personal opinion is that he does have feelings for you and he does like you a lot, but he's having a hard time admitting it to you, himself and others. I think that he's afraid to admit it because he's afraid of what everyone will say, but what you have to do is keep reassuring him that everything is okay and there is nothing to worry about. You can't help who you love and if he loves you than it's a good thing. I really think this guys cares more than ever about you, and I think he's screaming on the inside for someone to help him understand it or help him find away to release it and really show you that he cares for you.

I know that it's hard, but you're going to have to sit and talk with him and calmly tell him everything that is on your mind and let him tell you everything that is on his mind. This is where you are going to do the reassuring part. let him know that it's okay to have these feelings and it's okay to want you and it's okay to be with you. And if you absolutely have to, you can get others to tell him the same thing because I'm sure that having more positive reinforcement will work wonders for you as well.

I really do hope this helps you in some way, and keep in mind that if you need someone to talk to, you can always message me.

Originally Posted by lostnkunfusion

My personal opinion is that he does have feelings for you and he does like you a lot, but he's having a hard time admitting it to you, himself and others. I think that he's afraid to admit it because he's afraid of what everyone will say, but what you have to do is keep reassuring him that everything is okay and there is nothing to worry about. You can't help who you love and if he loves you than it's a good thing. I really think this guys cares more than ever about you, and I think he's screaming on the inside for someone to help him understand it or help him find away to release it and really show you that he cares for you.

I know that it's hard, but you're going to have to sit and talk with him and calmly tell him everything that is on your mind and let him tell you everything that is on his mind. This is where you are going to do the reassuring part. let him know that it's okay to have these feelings and it's okay to want you and it's okay to be with you. And if you absolutely have to, you can get others to tell him the same thing because I'm sure that having more positive reinforcement will work wonders for you as well.

I really do hope this helps you in some way, and keep in mind that if you need someone to talk to, you can always message me.

I think you're right, but he keeps saying he likes women way too much. I think he's definitely in denial, but I do believe he definitely falls into the bisexual category which complicates things a bit. He knows how I feel, plus he's bi polar. He was abused by his dad who was a marine and was in the marines himself. He has many issues he's dealing with. I think my best bet is to not push the issue and just continue to be there for him. Until he himself comes to terms with his own feelings he and I will never happen, but time will reveal. I hope he's strong enough to realize that. He calls me delusional and says that I'm naive because I think in England people are more accepting of alternative lifestyles and he doesn't think it's like that over there and that was something he told me tonight.

I understand you wanting to wait and let him do his thing the way he is going to do it. Who knows, that really might be the best thing for the situation. Have no fear, someday it will happen. You just have to keep your chin up.

Originally Posted by lostnkunfusion

I understand you wanting to wait and let him do his thing the way he is going to do it. Who knows, that really might be the best thing for the situation. Have no fear, someday it will happen. You just have to keep your chin up.

Thank you for the encouragement, because right now I need it. I just hope one day he truly opens his eyes and sees me for the person I am and can truly love me for it.

Yikes...

Sounds like you've got your hands full.

He doesn't know what he wants.

Has he ever even been with another guy before? Because if not, and you're the first.. I'd be very careful of that.. as he might just be using you to "experiment"

He knows you're gay. If he's going to continue to only want to be with you sexually if alcohol is present.. that's pretty shitty of him.. and if I were you, I'd be a bit insulted.

I'm sure you love him a lot.. but do you ever think he'd admit to it the same way you would? Would he ever be able to be in a serious and committed relationship with you? From what you've mentioned.. it already seems like he answered that question. I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment with this guy.

Bipolar is manic depression, therefore he should go through cycles of depression and then mania. Mania is perceived incorrectly by most of the population. Mania is madness. The person seems insane, hyper and overwhelming.
Do you have proof he is bipolar? Have you seen him take his medication? This just kind of confuses me and adds another issue to your situation. Are you prepared to be with someone with a chemical imbalance? A mental disorder? If he is truly manic depressive, he can hurt you. Are you prepared to accept it?

If you answer, "Yes I'm ready," to those questions, then stay with him and see where it goes and try to talk to him about his sexual orientation. That's all I can really say. D:

A lot of the advice given here is good, so make sure to read everyone's posts!

Originally Posted by Grae

Yikes...

Sounds like you've got your hands full.

He doesn't know what he wants.

Has he ever even been with another guy before? Because if not, and you're the first.. I'd be very careful of that.. as he might just be using you to "experiment"

He knows you're gay. If he's going to continue to only want to be with you sexually if alcohol is present.. that's pretty shitty of him.. and if I were you, I'd be a bit insulted.

I'm sure you love him a lot.. but do you ever think he'd admit to it the same way you would? Would he ever be able to be in a serious and committed relationship with you? From what you've mentioned.. it already seems like he answered that question. I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment with this guy.

He has from what I know of. Well, I don't think entirely he had much alcohol in him once, but as soon as he lost interest after being quite stimulated that is...(meaning he lost his mojo) he acted as if he didn't like it at all, but of course he didn't fool me. He admits he and I have a unique relationship. We are definitely more than just friends but we aren't in a relationship which puts us both in a weird place, but he just can't stop seeing me. Well, if he wanted to be in a committed relationship I'm sure he would. He knows I want to move to England, but he tells me I'm delusional if people over there would accept it more than over here. You may as well say we are 'dating' because we see eachother almost every day and usually for at least a few hours at a time- and the times we dont see each other which is seldom we at least talk over the phone. We have talked about it, but I can tell he still needs more time. I'm just being his friend for now and whatever happens happens. I'm just seeing by just letting things happen if something may evolve. I know if I push the envelope right now that I probably won't hear what I want. Time is integral here. It's just sometimes I really want more and other times I'm ok. Maybe something is wrong with me...lol
Maybe I am setting myself up for a huge disappointment, but if I don't try then I will regret that even more.

@fox girl ~ Yes, you are absolutely right. I know because I met him last January. He is definitely on Abilify which is an anti-psychotic drug I guess? I know he can hurt me, I'm moving to England next August with or without him. Some bloke over there may be better for me who knows. I'm getting to the point to where I may just decide to go being straight myself. LOL!!! I think for him it's difficult admitting that there is true love between us. He trusts me more than anyone so we'll see.