OK. First things first. I have heard many people talk about parental love, both maternal and paternal. The stories can be very touching, and often inspirational, but this is not my life.

I move out in four days, after living my whole life surrounded by these people. In about 5 and a half months, I get married. They all want to be invited. I am leaning towards no, despite that my mom is a photographer. There is so much hurt and so much drama, and I'm not sure I can trust them to keep that in the past for that day. I just want it to be happy, and momentous, and around the people I love.

And yet I don't want to disown them. I don't want to hold a grudge, and I know I don't have to. So it is in my plans not to. But there is something I am confused on dealing with, which is, how do I act around them? I should just be myself, correct? Just be successful and kind? That seems the most logical thing to me, but besides that, I want to know what people think of how much I should interact with them and how or when to.

On this topic, I'd like to point out I mean mostly my immediate family, however this could be taken as my family in this country if it's brought up. They are all in the same giant messes.

They all say that they want me to talk to them a lot, invite them to my place, write, call, do "life" stuff with them. And it makes sense for a family right? I want to have that family life with them. But I'm not sure it will ever be good enough where I will feel comfortable with that type of relationship with them, even considering how unfortunate that would be.

My brother is so sweet sometimes. He cuddles next to me, he compliments my artwork, we go on bike rides together, talk about our lives, just laugh and live. I can be friendly with him most of the time. And yes, him being the younger brother, you might say, "Oh, you guys fight sometimes, right?" It's more than just fighting. He swings around fake swords, makes traps out of paper and wood, fake throwing stars, hacks my computer and puts virus on it, and there is still that lingering memory of when he ran around our Seaside apartment chasing me with a butcher knife. He stabbed a hate note through my door. And I felt panicked, like I couldn't get away.

He is starting to remind me of my dad, with the fight we had today. He said that I was a lazy, selfish pig who was stealing from the family by eating (the family) food, and I offered to make him some cookies in return, some kind of present to him to pay him back for whatever inconvenience he had with me, and he kept on repeating I am lazy, selfish, and that I'm not looking for a job (which is false by the way), and that I am not moving out (does he see my room? I am so moving out.) This reminds me of my dad because for the past 17 - 18 years I have been getting emotional abuse from my dad. I could go on about this for ages. He has molested me, bruised me, bloodied me, torn my hair out, thrown me, shaken me, grounded me over the most ridiculous things, tried to cut all contact from the outside world, ect ect ect. And he goes to church every week pretending he's the perfect dad. He has compared himself to Jesus. =_=" What pride that man has. This same man has inspired my sister to run away countless times. And who did he blame that on? My brother and I. Our mom. Oh, he also said our mom was poisoning our food when she cooked dinner for us. I think that's when my being pickier about eating came along. But now me just looking in the fridge makes me nauseous, probably because he fails to shop correctly and actually take care of us. The food goes moldy, actually. Very often. I have to check it for old colors or smells every time I open a container. It's hard to tell if that is the cheese from a while back or it is the new one, because he buys everything in bulk. Thus, checking. But yes. This man right here is one of the biggest reasons I am happy to be moving.

I am the type of person who hates to leave on a sour note. If something goes wrong, I want to know that I have a safe place to to go instead of a scary one. That's normal, isn't it? I don't think that ever stuck with my sister. I think she more so just wanted her own life and wanted control over what happened with her, but it's not as if most of the things that happened were good things to happen anyways. Prostitution, drugs, you name it. With my sister, it's not so much that I'm scared of her killing me as it is that I'm scared of her being killed. She has already been stabbed. But the first time she went to juvi was actually because she locked me in the bathroom and tried to strangle me with a belt. x.x And I called the police and she hated me for a few years for that. Or maybe she already hated me. I'm not sure. In other situations, she can be a very insightful, caring sister. She shares her clothes with me, and we talk about how interesting the world is, how intriguing the human mind is. The mood comes and goes though.

My mom? Well. I suppose this is the last person I want to cover. I am okay with her right now. She actually has my wedding dress in her closet. (I don't trust it at my father's house, where there are two violent men and 5 curious cats who like to claw and pee.) She gave me a few nice presents the last few times I went to visit her. I might be able to get along with her better. The thing that sticks in my head right now is that I was living here with my dad about 9 - 10 months ago. I decided I had enough. I wanted a new life. And I got paperwork worked out so that I had the choice of which parent I would live with. I gave my mom a shot. She was in a homeless shelter. It was my understanding that she told me she was getting an apartment to live in and it would be ready within 2 weeks, that being said a few weeks before I was planning on living with her. She insists to this day that she never said anything of the sort. If she hadn't said that, I would have asked a lot more questions as it really changes things going back into a homeless shelter. But anyways! We ended up going into a shelter. I thought it would be a few days to a week. A month passed, nothing. Two months, nothing. Three. By this time I started losing it. I was in a shelter, in a new school which I disliked considerably compared to my much more diverse, much more stimulating, accepting, creative school I had been in before. I came into a school which had semesters instead of trimesters, and look at that! I was in the middle of the semester. One of my teachers failed me because I didn't finish a huuuge assignment in a few weeks (while being horribly sick in a shelter taking care of my mom recovering from surgery) that everyone else had most of the semester to work on it. Most of the kids were lazy, on drugs, and incredibly rebellious. They threw the biggest fits and the teachers barely taught. I explained all of this to my mom. She still insisted that I wasn't doing a good enough job taking care of her. I hoped for an ounce of relief, prayed for it, just a happiness like I had felt would come three months earlier. My mom started getting more and more stressed out, and blaming many things on me. She started yelling at me, and I started getting depressed, sleeping in more, not wanting to eat, ect. Then finally she started yelling at me to go. To live with someone else. That she didn't want me. This happened maybe 10 times before I called my dad and asked him to pick me up. She stopped talking to me for several months. I stopped talking too. She wouldn't hear a word I had to say, so I tried to give her space and just sort it out. Then when I thought enough time had passed, I tried talking to her again, trying to understand what she thought and why it all happened. Every time I tried to ask, she yelled profane things at me and sent me back to my dad's. And then whenever she said "Okay, we can talk about" after that, she brought along my brother or tons of her friends and said "wait until we're alone", even though she set it up so that we weren't. Bleh. And yeah. There's religious stuff.... she has these expectations of me that I don't agree with and judges me every step of the way. There was also a point where she tried to find something to send my fiance to jail over (because she was "sure" he had done something wrong when he hadn't), while not even bothering to do something with my dad. It's all a mess. This wall of text brings it back. And I don't want to live like that anymore.

Skim or read through it all, what do you think?

Just skimming through (sorry! :sweat:), all I have to say is: Do what makes you happy.

I'm in a situation right now where I'm not having a "wedding" at all; I'm getting married in a courthouse and my dad and his girlfriend are our witnesses. My brother, mom, and my fiance's parents might be in attendance (we didn't really invite them, but we won't say no if they ask if they're allowed to go), but NONE of the rest of the family (or friends) are invited.

Instead, we're throwing a party the day before for our friends, and we're having a reception the day after for all of the extended family.

We've made a BUNCH of people mad, in his family and in mine. His grandmother even offered to pay for a "real" wedding ceremony. The thing is, the ceremony itself doesn't mean anything to us. It's antiquated, in my opinion. Heck, I'm not even getting a white dress (which made my grandmother mad, but I told her it's not like I'm a virgin anyway so the meaning is lost for me, I'd rather have a nice cocktail dress that I'll use more than once...).

So, no matter WHAT you do, you'll upset someone. My cousin got married in October and did all the things I'm not going to do (married by a reverend, white dress, wedding party, full shebang) and people STILL complained (not to mention my aunt was a WRECK because so many things didn't go "according to plan"). Really, just do what makes you happy, because you can't please everyone else.

Thanks for the advice. It is nice to hear other people's stories sometimes. ^^ We do plan on having a courthouse wedding as well as the "real" one, albeit it is planned to be small. Now thinking about it with more clear of a head, it makes the most sense just not to worry about them until things are more settled and I've taken care of myself and my fiance.

My family was never that bad, but now that I'm almost an adult and can think for myself, they've gotten on my nerves. I'm completely happy with my mother and step-father, but I can't stand my father and grandparents. For one, their views and opinions are completely traditional and extremely religious (which I am not...). For my whole upbringing, my father only paid $150 for child support and chose never to be involved in my life until now. Both he and my grandmother say it was a mistake for me to graduate high school a year early. They say it's wrong for me to aspire for wealth and success.

I mean, I love my grandparents...They played games with me and baked me cookies when I was little...but now I'm realizing the type of people they are and how they're getting in the way of my future goals. :| I'm tired of how they criticize me about how I'm not living my life the way they want me to. And then they go and expect me to have a traditional wedding and invite them to it. Frankly, I don't want a big wedding. It's a one day affair that costs a lot of money and causes way too much stress for those about to be wed; I can't see how that could be the happiest day of someone's life. Instead, I want a small gathering of people that I care for and that won't make me feel like crap.

I know that when the day comes, they'll ostracize me. But, to be honest, I'm past the point of caring. I'm going to do what'll make me happy. I mean, it's my life to live. Not theirs. Plus, over time they'll get over it; everyone does.

Whoops! I got a little carried away with the rant...:sweat: But I agree with Keyori. Do what'll make you happy. A wedding is supposed to be a happy occasion where two people are joined together by love, not where family members criticize you on your dress, decor, cake, blah, blah, blah. Don't let other people get in the way of your happiness. ;)

If I get married anytime soon before me and my family's issues are resolved...I'm not inviting any of them but my grandpa. But I know he couldn't travel far, so I'd have it if I could in California just so my grandpa could come.

But as much as I love my sister....She is not invited. She always starts fights with me, even when we're doing something important. Like when we were at our mother memorial service. She kept starting fights with me the whole ride there and back, and got all furious at me because MY FRIENDS CAME and none of hers did. Well, I'm sorry. But my homeroom clinician made it a school trip, so my whole homeroom could come. :/ I didn't ask her to, but she offered and made it happen. You could have convinced Scott to take a friend, but you didn't. So, not my fault.
Not inviting my brother, or my other brother, or my sister in law, or my nephews, either. They're all mean and cruel.
I mean, I'm going to visit them for Christmas (the first time I've seen everyone but my brother and sister for over a year), and I fully expect to be suicidal by the time I leave.

So, I don't blame you for saying you don't want to invite them.

Okay. It's just. Yeah. Weird breaking away from that part of the traditional wedding idea even though we're not going traditional in the first place. I've always wanted a happy family life, but the happy family life has not felt like it includes them. I am the one in the family who tries to keep the most peace as possible but I guess I can't help it much in this place. Just gotta be tactful eh?

Family is what you make it, and if you're getting married, you'll be making a brand new family anyway. :)

You'll have in-laws (I'm extremely close to some of my future in-laws; I'm even closer to my future mother-in-law than I am with my own mum), and perhaps even kids one day. If you have really close friends, and if you're into that sort of things, you can have godparents for your children as well. So just because you don't get along with the family you're given doesn't mean you won't have a fantastic family that you have the opportunity to make. :D

Awww thanks for saying so :D what insightful words. Thanks~

I had similar issues growing up as a kid so I know from experience... I grew up thinking that I love my family because I was told that I did.. but when I think back all I really remember is that I didn't like love or trust anyone in my family. I may not like half my family nowdays but I to don't want to kick them out of my life... If I were you I would invite them to your wedding, but under the condition that they behave themselves. Tell them that if they don't you won't talk to them again... that might be a bit drastic but I think its reasonable... because you saying (In my opinion) I know we have been through rough times but I still want to be a family (of sorts) but if you are going to insist on acting like the way you do towards me I am not going to stand for it and I am not going to keep putting myself in this situation. Hope that helps....

I was through something similar. I tried so hard to build a healthy relationship with my mother, but she didn't want it. In the end, after many hurtful things were said, I disowned them.
It still hurts, and I sometimes have nightmares about them finding me and hurting me, but I haven't spoke to them in 2 years.

Do whatever will end the drama, in my opinion. If they refuse to try, then don't give them a chance to. At least, that's what i would suggest, but I'm the kind of person who will cut out anyone who I feel doesn't really want to have an equal and healthy relationship

Hmm yeah i really do appreciate a situation like this with much (much, much) less drama. xD I will take that to heart ^^ thanks...

Wow. Sorry to hear you had to endure through so much, but congratulations on the wedding!

I can't exactly say I've been in your shoes, as I've been blessed with one very amazing Mother who understands me like no other. But as for other family, I can somewhat relate.

I was physically abused by a family member when I was very young--though I've forgiven them, and we've been able to move passed it altogether; however, our relationship is a bit weaker than it probably should be. Small steps I suppose.

But I think were I can really understand you is in regards to your father. My dad did, and still does a lot of the same crap. The mental, emotional abuse, the controlling, the groundings for absolutely no reason, the trying to cut me away from certain friends, and from my mother after the divorce. He tried several times to get her thrown in jail for bogus charges, even when he's the one that left "to take care of himself and the business". (Yeah, those where his exact words). And I know how much stuff like that sucks like hell. He's your dad and you want him to love you, you know? Like actually keep a promise to you, or maybe be willing to part with a few thousand dollars to pay for my college education (which he can well afford, as he's pretty loaded). But don't you know he's so broke? Oh, by the way, he's got two cruises he's taking soon, and the BMW 7 series that's sitting in his drive way, and I won't even get into the computer tech stuff he buys himself all the time. I'll stop there, as you get the picture. There's a lot more crap I won't waste your time with.

Anyways, I too am engaged to wed; though, I won't actually tie the knot for another couple of years. (We're waiting to finish school first). But I have the same worries. Do I invite my dad to the wedding? If I do that then his wife's family will try to find a way in, but I sure as hell don't want to pay for them and honestly won't have the funds to. Part of me does want to disown his ass and never see him again, but I know what destruction that will cause for my other family that I deeply care about. Like my older brother; his wife, my sister-in-law, and her family won't understand if I do something "that drastic" and it will open up so much division. So it's like yeah, I invite him, but who to let me walk down the isle?

Well I can't complain too much. I have lots of time to figure out the details and several very supportive family and friends to lean on. All I really want to say is I understand your pain, and you'll be in my prayers. I hope things get better for you, and that your wedding is everything you dreamed it would be. I wish I had some really cure all advice, but the only thing I can say is learn how to look at those individuals as not who you need them to be, but simply as who they actually are. This way, I find, you can take their abuse/attacks just at face value, and dust it off your shoulder. It's helped me some...

Thank you for spending so much time here for me!
I appreciate the post. I do understand what you mean about the money. My dad has plenty too. The court stopped him from buying a better SUV than what he has because they wanted him to spend more of his money on us. Which, go figure, he doesn't. No college money here either. But it's okay. I'm smart enough I trust I can work up a scholarship or two. I hope you are in the same boat on that one?

I just talked to my future mother in law last night and I have to say that I am feeling considerably more at home here. I was told I am allowed to stay at their house with my fiance until after New Year's party. So I've been trying to find a job to make this all work. The food is much nicer, there is not yelling, hitting, and constant upset. I actually get hugs over here. I mean yeah, I worry about my brother being alone with my dad, and the 5 cats I raised from birth, but what can i do? I'm just trying to make a life of my own. Try to be the best person i can be. It's a lot less of worry not being in a shelter. I came over here and they said they got full sooo yeah lol they took me in :0

Nnn... soo.. tell me a bit about your experiences with that? Are you still at home? Or have you left? What have your experiences been with talking to the family about your marriage?