On Saturday I'm supposed to fly out to California. I have been accepted and enrolled into a university, and I have my F1 visa to live and study in the USA. But I'm not sure I want to go. First, some background:

Last year, in March, I flew out there to visit a girl I'd known over the internet for 10 years. I was there for two weeks but stayed an extra three, we started dating. She then flew to the UK to stay with me, and after that I went back to stay with her for another 3 months. During these times we lived and slept together, we ate together, we went out together virtually every single day. We had fun and we were happy. We had some arguments sometimes but everyone does, and we resolved them fairly quickly.

She has some abandonment issues and trust issues. I left my university, where I wasn't happy anyway, and said I would apply to one in her area so we would be able to be together on a permanent basis - something we both wanted. Also during my stays out there I helped her move house twice, paid her rent when she wasn't able too, and replaced her car after a crash. In short, I tried to do everything I could to assure her that I wasn't going to leave her.

In November, a few weeks after I got back from the 3 month stay, she broke up with me because I 'wasn't there'. I still got her over to stay with me for Christmas. During the Christmas period I recieved acceptance letters from both universities. But despite now knowing I would definitely be moving there, she still didn't want to get back together. She still says she loves me, but she 'isn't ready for a relationship'.


Now I'm stuck with probably the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. If I move I will be there for at least 3 years minimum, if not 4. And I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I suffer fairly heavy depression, but being with her made me happy for the first time since I was a child. I was able to do things I'd stopped doing a long time ago, or had never done at all.

Now though, I've lost my confidence. I have no confidence in myself to be able to function. I don't know if I can get up in the morning and get to class, or if I'll just hide in bed all day like I did fairly frequently at my last univeristy. We were supposed to be making a better future together; we've both had miserable lives and long held feelings for each other. If when she 'gets ready' and we get back together I'll be the happiest person on the planet. If she doesn't I'll be devestated, more than I am already, and may never fully recover.

If I stay, or defer until Autumn, I may lose her forever. If I stay, I don't know what I'll do, I have no plan whatsoever. I've had strong suicidal thoughts many times in the past 11 years and this is the same or worse. I'm completely empty and have no one to turn too. I have only one semi-regular friend left where I live now.

If I could flick a switch and instantly blink out of exsistence I would have already done it.

I've two days to make a decision, where I could cancel without loss of money.

Don't make a decision based on chasing a girl (or boy). I've seen people do it and it almost always is a bad choice. Going to college (university) is about making a career path for yourself. This will most certainly affect the rest of your life. This girl may not.

My freshman year, I lived across the hall from a lovely girl who had come to the school for the pre-med program. Our school has a terrible pre-med program, but she was dating a guy who was a year older than her and had already attended. She wanted to be near him. They had been dating for four years. After the first semester, he proposed to her. They were engaged for about a year until it was called off completely. Once she completed the semester that they called it off, she transferred to another school with a better program. She regretted the decision to come to our school because the program was terrible, even though they were even engaged at one point! So the way I see it, it's not worth chasing someone, especially one who won't flex on the issue of long-distance relationships. What's going to happen when you get out of school and both of you find jobs in different places? I'm going through that with my husband right now; we'll be living apart for at least 10 months because of my current work, but he's flexible on the issue, and we'll still be writing to each other or calling each other.

I know you have really strong feelings for her, but if you do decide to go away where you can't be together, maybe you could try to stay in contact with her like you were before and revisit the issue when you're done with school?

Thank you. I still haven't made a decision.

I may still go because I have, literally, nothing else. I've spent too many years wanting to die, I may just get around to that.

I was going to move far away for a boy once, but I didn't. His mother was too strict and tied him down at home and unless I lived with him, I'd have nowhere to live and absolutely no plans of what to do with my life.

Thankfully I didn't.

I think you should go. Not because of the girl, but because these Uni plans are plans for your future, you'll meet new people and everyone will love you because you're from somewhere different with a different accent and all.

You can pursue the girl if it comes to that, but go for the education.

It's sweet what you've done for her, and maybe if you do go, she'll see that you're in it for the long run?

But don't base your decision on her.

Originally Posted by Dame

Thank you. I still haven't made a decision.

I may still go because I have, literally, nothing else. I've spent too many years wanting to die, I may just get around to that.

this bothers me slightly.
first off NOBODY GONNA MAKE U HAPPY!
your the only person that can make yourself happy
and if you really think about it.. we are all gonna die anyways
WHY RUSH IT!?
live now and have fun in life
So what this gal dumped you? Its gonna happen!.
Either a. stay near home go to collige in a place thats faimler, or perhaps go to a college a few towns over for a fresh look but with a culter your more filmier with.
of B
Go to cali (and not for the person) but for yourself, try new things meet new people and experience life

Depression is apart of life but dont let it rule u.
AGAIN no one is going to make u happy! they can help yes but not true happeniess comes from within (instead of focusing on all the bad parts of ur day before u sleep, think of the good parts. and if there wasent any think of what fun things u can do tomorrow,)

One more thing (im kinda made that ur thinking about taking ur life)
think of the people around you .. killing yourself is the MOST SELFISH thing ive ever heard. the people left around u wounder why?
what could have i done?
feeling lost and betrayed
its the worst feeling. believe me.. ive had 2 friends.. all because of some stupid high school drama! during exams too..
Anyways, you've made it this fair, why not just keep going?

Originally Posted by disturbed66

first off NOBODY GONNA MAKE U HAPPY!

See, I don't know about this - I think some people need someone to lean on, and then after a while of feeling happy and secure, you can start being happy by yourself.
It's just finding the right person - I did, and although I still have down days he's always there to cheer me up, even if I get angry with him he knows that it's only because I'm down and takes no notice of it and just focuses on trying to make me feel better.

Like someone else said, you should still go because there, you have a future, here you don't (I say "here" because I'm in England too).
You'll meet other people.
And maybe this girl will want you back once you are there and she knows for sure you are staying, because maybe she's just worried you'll change your mind at the last second is she's as insecure as you said.

I'd still go it's a really good chance to start new and meet new people and make new friends. I'm sure you'll have fun college is supposd to be really fun and about getting a good education:)