I am a 20 year old female with healthy sexual appetites and an irritating problem; my boyfriend can't have sex with me. Now this may seem odd, the female is pushing sex, but for some reason my boyfriend can not keep "it" up. Some facts to add, my boyfriend has an anxiety disorder, this is our only relationship problem(we've been together four years) thus far, and it only happens during actual intercourse. He is fine during any type of foreplay and during oral sex. We both are mildly overweight, which may be a factor (I'm 5'2" and 215, he is 6' and over 240 (he won't give and exact number))

So what I am asking is if anyone has some helpful hints or possible causes?
We are both getting desperate and frustrated. He feels like he is letting me down and I feel like something I am doing may be causing this.

Any ideas or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Hmm... well... are there any "fetishes" that aren't being put into play that he has? o.o I've heard that can be a factor...
(Granted some people don't know they even have one =/)

Actually, he has an ass/anal fetish. It doesn't work anymore actually... That's why I'm really concerned. We used to make use of that, but now it doesn't work completely.

Doesn't work anymore? o.o That's odd... thought fetishes were permanent...

Hmm... lets try a different approach here...

What exactly does he have anxiety about?
Also is it by chance cold out/in the room?
And weird as it sounds...... does he wear socks? (yes I have a point asking this)

Actually, he hates socks in general. And I don't know if it is the room. It's a dorm room, so it could be drafty or something. I think he is getting to the point that he is so worried about failing me, he is too worried to do well. As for the not working thing (fetish related) he says he feels guilty because I can give him what he wants but he can't give me what I want.

Well I read somewhere once that when guys don't wear socks it makes it more difficult... not really sure why... I can try to find it again, but might be something to see if it makes a difference. *runs off to research*

As for feeling guilty...maybe once he can start being more successful his confidence will go up ^^

Perhaps. I'll tell him about the sock thing. I'm up for anything. Any other thoughts? Do you think he should try viagra, or is he too young for that (20)?

Umm... I think drugs for that or anything else are best if avoided...

Also wondering if maybe trying new things might help... like... umm...

Whited out in case someone too young stumbles on this, highlight to read it:
Try sexinfo101.com and try some new positions... he may enjoy it, but his body may want variety

^^ hope this helps. Also if this gets too embarrassing to talk about publicly feel free to pm me ^^

pming might be a good idea. :) I don't remember how detailed we are allowed to get on the forums here. Perhaps tomorrow. I need to get some sleep. Thank you so much for your help.

Interesting timing... o.o I fell asleep XD

Hmm... I dunno... I've seen a lot of detail but the site is pg13... I don't think you've gone too far though, since it's for help ^^

No problem ^^ glad to be of service.

Try seeing a doctor, honestly they can tell him how to help your sex life.

Not trying to be rude, but him being mildly overweight may just play a very minor factor. Slightly limited bloodflow in... "certain areas" can be a result for example (I think that's one reason why the sock thing is brought up, not sure). I wouldn't reach for the blue pill or anything like that, but considering it might just be enough to cause problems.

6 feet tall and 240ish lbs is very unlikely to be overweight enough to cause a pathology like that. Unless he has some sort of a genetic predisposition to a cardiovascular pathology, the odds are far, far better that it's in his head.

If you are absolutely sure that the rest of the relationship is in good shape, then the two of you should definitely check out therapy of some kind. If he has anxiety about the rest of the world that keeps him from being able to have intercourse, then his coping mechanisms need to be worked on by a professional, and if it's simply a very bad case of performance anxiety stemming from one time he couldn't perform to expectations, then that needs to be addressed also.

I hate to be doom and gloom, but if he can sustain an erection for oral sex but not for anything else, there may be another factor at work here involving both of you or the relationship in general. I still think your best bet is to look into a therapy of some kind.

Going off the failing thing. Have you tried 'faking' an orgasm? If needed of course. I know some women have said they faked orgasms so that their partner could gain some confidence in themselves.

Other then that. I was pretty much going to say was Saisei said, just in a less scientific and shorter manner.

I hate to say it, but i disagree wholeheartedly with my esteemed colleague, Mr. Bartuc. :(

Originally Posted by Saisei

I hate to say it, but i disagree wholeheartedly with my esteemed colleague, Mr. Bartuc. :(

It cheered you up didnt it ;)

I keed I keed

Being anxious about sex is the worst thing. I've been on both sides of this coin.. in a former relationship, my partner had a really hard time with sex, and for the last few months, I myself had problems with it too, starting because it started feeling a bit uncomfortable, verging on painful, and I think for the rest of the time it was simply my anxiety about it being that way again that kept me from being able to fully participate and/or enjoy it.
It's most likely it is all in his head, which doesn't really make the problem easier to solve, but as long as he is fully aware of that fact, it can help. Realising there's nothing actually wrong with him, that it's just anxiety, can help. Of course, the longer it goes on, the more anxiety will build up. The advice I would give, is try to be as relaxed as possible before having sex. Take a hot bath, light candles even, have relaxing music on, and if you can, to help, don't push him. Try not to show your own anxiety about it, or disappointment, and let him know it's okay. If he feels like he's letting you down, it will only be more difficult.
There are some natural remedies that act as aphrodisiacs you can look into if you need a bit of outside help. My friend recommended Blue Lotus to me once, I haven't tried it yet myself but he said it worked amazingly well. Just try looking up natural aphrodisiacs or something, or even just relaxants and see what you come up with. Best of luck to you!

What are his attitudes specifically about sex? The beau and I sometimes get tired through the day, and then think of sex and think "well, I don't feel like a workout today--let's just cuddle." He might see sex as a big production, something you have to work at. Especially if he has, like you said, an anxiety disorder, perhaps it's just bad thoughts that get him down or prevent him from "enjoying the moment," so to speak. How does he feel about himself or his own body? Even though people are together a while, sometimes you can get more self-conscious. You said he felt guilty about not giving you what you want--keep a positive attitude. I sometime have problems with bjs and my partner because I want it to be a short encounter, and he wouldn't mind either way, except that sometimes it goes on FOREVER (in my opinion), and I get annoyed. And when I get annoyed, the chances of him coming are less and less by the minute. But! To keep a positive attitude helps enormously, in my case. It might be so here as well.

Your weight is your own business, but I started to lose weight a couple years ago, actually--I worked out WITH my partner, and we both became really close, sharing that time together and the healthy competition. Maybe spend some time together outside of the bedroom doing something intensive--either a physical workout, or a mental workout with a puzzle or word game, or something that stimulates some part of your body that isn't sexual. The diversion away might be helpful when it comes time to go back to the bedroom!

It may be a matter though of just changing things up. Sometimes, when I feel like torturing my partner, I'll get all done up and sexy and just walk around the apartment or do purposely seductive maneuvers, but never intending for sex. He'll whisk you away to the bed in a frenzy! Sometimes abstaining from sex can be a game, like how far you can push it before it becomes unbearable.

I've never tried it, but some couples watch porn together, too. Do you guys use mirrors? I find the best times include mirrors. In fact, we've had to remove mirrors from the area sometimes because it gets him TOO excited.

I've had it happen where my partner can't keep it up. The first time was when he was really unhealthy--on a bad diet, working out too much, too skinny, always tired. The other times it doesn't work is when he'd come recently, like in the past day or couple of hours. Then, unless our time together was brief, things will start to go downhill. We've had to abandon a session once and no one was happy about it, but it made him feel terrible. So yeah, could be a variety of things!

Originally Posted by tanektoshni

I think he is getting to the point that he is so worried about failing me, he is too worried to do well.

I think you've hit the nail on the head right there.

In men of your partner's age group, anxiety is the most common cause of erectile dysfunction. And considering you know your partner already suffers from an anxiety disorder, he'd be very susceptible.


As his problem seems to occur during intercourse, and not during oral or manual stimulation, perhaps you could stick to those for a little while, just to take the pressure off.
Instead of seeing it as foreplay, you could make other forms of sexual contact "The Main Event". You can do oral, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, erotic massage, use your breasts to stimulate his penis, play with ice to produce different sensations, try vibrating penis rings and dildos etc.
Instead of making intercourse the goal, the goal becomes just enjoying each other. Try for multiple orgasms and give him lots and lots of encouraging feedback.

Hopefully that might help build his confidence up, and you two can go back to having penetrative intercourse once he feels a bit less under pressure. :)

Try an adult movie, or make a game out of it. Something that'd take both your minds off of the actual idea of having to perform and just have fun with it.

I'm sure he knows about the trouble he has, but have you tried asking him directly?

Yeah, basically. Just make it more about enjoying each other than it is about having an orgasm.
My husband and I, being newlyweds, had to try out a few different brands of condoms before knowing what works for us. Thick or thin, menthol, small, normal, large, latex or non latex, ect. You may go with a well known brand or else if you go to a lover type store, you may find a section that is, ah, lol. Well they called it a buffet. Basically what it is, is you see the condoms in individual packets instead of boxes, and they are priced by the packet. And there are different types so you normally have many options to choose from. I don't know how much you have looked into this but it may be helpful.

Besides that, it doesn't really have to be planned in the sense of, Lotus now, Missionary then, ect. Just go with what you two feel is natural and enjoyable. For example, if the mood starts with a bit of laughing and kissing, caress each other, do those couple-y things XD but there is no need for it to go in any sort of pattern that it becomes a habit. For example if you sleep together at night, whether you have intercourse this night or that night is totally dependent on the both of you. Just because you do it or don't do it one night does not mean that you two aren't close, or that you are having problems. There are plenty of other ways to show your affection with each other, and plenty of ways to be intimate.

I do agree with the suggestion to try other activities together besides sex as a more regular thing. Say play chess together, cook meals together, learn a language, go on walks, whatever. Don't have much time? Leave little notes in their bag, or little "presents", even if it is something small and cute like decorating sugar cubes a certain way. The point is to make cherished memories together. To hold onto that connection and communication and be a part of each others' lives.

Personally, to feel in "the mood", I need these things:
* To feel an intimate connection with my partner
* Not have an overwhelming hunger, thirst, or need to use the restroom
* Comfort with my surroundings (Are there others around? Is something at risk of falling if we bump it? Is there something pointy? Smelly? Dirty?)
* Comfort with myself (What will be heavier on my mind?- The pounds I want to lose, hair I want to condition, nails to paint or trim? Or will it be, "Ah, this is nice"?)
--Note: It personally helps me to be slightly sleepy because I am more prone to relax, but I am not too drowsy that I don't know what is going on or how to position myself.
* A little bit of mystery (What is going to happen next?... This will be interesting.. And hopefully good! xD kind of idea)
* A little bit of knowledge (How to use birth control, make sex comfortable, what my partner is like...)
* A few other secrets that are for my hubby and I only ;P

You can probably take a few from this list, maybe all of them lol. But I think it might help to make a list such as this for both you and your partner. You can write it down or just plain talk about it. But at least being aware of these things and knowing what is on the table should help when you decide to go at it again, how you want to and what to expect. Good luck!

Originally Posted by Cherish

As his problem seems to occur during intercourse, and not during oral or manual stimulation, perhaps you could stick to those for a little while, just to take the pressure off.
Instead of seeing it as foreplay, you could make other forms of sexual contact "The Main Event". You can do oral, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, erotic massage, use your breasts to stimulate his penis, play with ice to produce different sensations, try vibrating penis rings and dildos etc.
Instead of making intercourse the goal, the goal becomes just enjoying each other. Try for multiple orgasms and give him lots and lots of encouraging feedback.

Going along with this, the two of you might want to try some other ways of focusing on you and your pleasure. Things like a backrub, or brushing your hair, or other more sexy but non-penis-involving things. Just whatever you enjoy. And that way he can feel like he is still able to make you happy.

I'm not a guy but I do struggle with anxiety and if I felt like I failed in that way, being told "hey wait, let's do something else now that will make me happy" would make me happy too. This will require you to be flexible though, you know? But that is one way you can help him with the problem as anxiety is going to make things difficult for both of you and not just him.