I try to keep myself happy but it's not seeming to work lately.

I found out that I have cancer in my lymph nodes now along with the skin cancer I had before coming back. I also have lupus on top of that so at this point I'm always sleeping or sitting/laying down. I just feel so weak all of the time and I'm not the type of person to just sit around doing nothing. It's to the point where even a five hour work day is exhausting to me to the point where I'll come home and sleep the rest of the day after that. I just get frustrated with the fact that I get tired so easy.

The only person I told about the lymphatic cancer is a friend of mine who I no longer talk to. I really have no support when it comes to health issues. My parents know I have lupus although I'm not too sure if they exactly what it is.

My dad drives by my house on his way home from work then calls me and tells me to stop being so lazy all of the time if there's something in my yard that's not done like mowing the lawn before it gets long or weeding. I know that those have to be done, I just can't be out in the sun for long periods of time. It's not me being lazy, it's just that I don't have the energy to do it. I also had to cut hours at work because I've been feeling more sick than normal.

So now not only do I have to pay to keep myself in the house I am in but I also have to pay for all these medical bills that I can't afford to pay. Because I don't have children or a "family" the state will not cover any of it. The doctor I go to is awesome and tries to help me out as much as possible but it's the specialists and the hospital visits that are killing me. It's where I don't know if I can even afford to get treatment any more and I'm scared that I'm just going to get sicker and sicker.

On top of allt hat medical crap going on, which really would not worry me on its own since I've been sick for a while with the lupus but what really makes it worse is that I recently broke off all contact with my best friend. He's been through a lot with me and for the past 11 years has been very close to me.

With in the past few months, he's stopped telling me things and started being more distant. When I mention something about it, he gets mad and then starts calling me names and things like that. I don't understand why all of the sudden he'd be like that. He's always been on the quiet side and kept things to himself unless I asked about it but it's never been to the point where he's resorted to name calling for no reason at all. It got so bad last night that I just told him that I can't be friends with him any more. He also tried telling me that I couldn't talk to my friends and family and started getting upset over me going out with my sister. I really don't get where that suddenly came from but it's not something that I put up with.

I also told him flat out last week that I don't feel well and don't need extra stress so if he doesn't have anything positive to say then don't talk to me. I really do not have that many close friends or anyone to talk to about things that are bothering me.

I don't want to tell my girlfriend things either since we've been only dating for about a month. I really am not that close to her although I do like her. I don't think she should be burdened with things like that anyway.

I'm starting to get really depressed and keep telling myself it'll get better but it's getting worse every time something gets a tiny bit better.

I am so sorry that you found out that your have cancer I can't even image how that must feel like I hope that you recover and no longer have cancer I will be praying for you. Just try to hang in there girl. :) hugs

This is really heartbreaking to here. I wish there were something positive and uplifting I had to say, other than stay strong, but due to the subject manner, there's no dynamic response I can give...

Did I miss something, or do your parents not know you have these issues? I find it insensitive that your father could say something like that, if he had known of these issues. Is there no way you can go back home? Even when going back home to your family seems like the worst thing in the world, I can't imagine having to pay all those bills off on top of what you are paying for the home you are living in. If it's not your state of health that will destroy you, it's the stress that's going to. I really worry for you...

Thanks to both of you.

They know that I have lupus and that I had cancer a few years ago. It was a minor patch on the skin then I was in remission for a while. They don't know it came back and that the problem with my lymph nodes is cancer. They know I've been having issues with them for a while and that it does make me sick often. I've been sick for years with the lupus.

I was thinking about going back home but I keep telling myself everything is just going to pass and be fine. I can pay my house payment and utilities just fine every month but the hospital bills and other medical bills I pay when I have money, if I have money.

I'm trying to find another job that pays a bit more but it's hard to find something when I'm sick and can't lift much.

I don't think you should be looking for a new job. You're going to work yourself too hard. You should at least try to find some help. Can you try to talk to your family about it? Let them know what you're going through. Family is supposed to help eachother, and listen to eachother. Try to ask them for help with money at least, until you can continue your treatments and slowly pay them back. You have a very large burden, and I'm sure your health is very important to your family.

I'm terrible at asking for help. I'd rather run myself into the ground, trying to work hard, then ask for help. But we're all human, and we can't do everything on our own. I'd hate to see your condition to get worse, as it's already very serious now. If your family can't help, there has to be something that will. :(

I already owe my grandpa over $1000 from when I nearly chopped my finger off in December and my parents I owe somewhere around 5K or so. I feel bad for asking for money. I don't make enough for a personal loan although I just got rid of my loan debt so I really would hate to do that anyway.

I may try talking to my parents again about without making it sound as bad. I just don't want them to freak out or anything over it.

I know you don't want to have your parents freak out but your father NEEDS to understand that this is bad enough that you simply cannot do all the things a healthier person can do. Even reading the thread I am not sure of his level of education on the subject but if I had to guess I would be willing to bet there's some stuff he doesn't understand that is leading him to make the comments.

That's not to say some completely educated people can't still be jerks, or that everybody wants to accept the education they are getting.

It can be hard. I know from experience.

When I was living at my mom's house she would wonder why I didn't do chores and I explained because of the chronic pain I was dealing with, which she understood but then she didn't understand why I would sit in a pokey chair in front of the computer. And at the time I didn't have enough of it straight in my mind to put it into words, but being in front of the computer distracted me from my pain. So I wasn't able to explain to my mom that I was not blowing off chores to go play on the computer.

I'm not saying any of this is your fault. It's not. But I am just saying with my own personal experiences, not only the above but with my sister and later on with my husband, a lot of the tension comes from not enough communication about the subject.

In the same vein, I'd encourage you to tell your girlfriend *something* - probably not the whole thing right off the bat... it could be as simple as saying "I'm struggling with some health problems" but.... I dunno, I just think if two people are spending time closely together than one person is going to notice when something's wrong, and it would probably be pretty unhappy if she assumed it was because of her.

For example, all the time I am having to tell my husband "I'm not upset with you, I'm just in a lot of pain" to explain my tone of voice and if someone didn't know anything at all about my health issues they'd assume I was annoyed at them or bored by the conversation or whatever.


I hope things become brighter for you soon.

I agree with diave's post... you need to say something to your family, and possibly to your girlfriend if this relationship becomes more serious. Your health situation serious, like I've said tons already, and not something you should be dealing with on your own.

Either way, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you find it... 'Til then, we're all here for you. <3