I know, I look horrible especially since I've been so depressed. :(

No diet restrictions. They told me before to eat as many calories as I can and if I can eat to eat. Before this whole thing happened I wasn't eating very big meals. Now it's like nothing pretty much. I'm just trying not to lose any more weight at this point.

Lately, I just hate to eat which isn't like me because normally I'll eat a lot and love food.

Have you tried making smoothies?
I like those when my stomach is having an off day and doesn't want to digest solid food.
:sweat:
If you throw some malt into a banana and vanilla ice cream shake it's the best thing ever.

How are you doing besides the lost appetite?

Yeah, I tried smoothies with protein powder in them. I worry about my protein levels being too low too. Lately, I'm just having a hard time even drinking anything. That's more due to me being depressed more than anything though.

Aside from that I'm still an emotional wreck. Last night, I was talking to her and she was telling me about her "boyfriend". From what she says, the only reason she told me is because she is having a kid. I asked her if she wasn't how long would she keep lying to me. She didn't have an answer. She kind of just avoided the question. She was also telling me about times where he got mad and hit her. I told her again that having a child in that kind of situation is not good. She also told me she moved in with him and that's why she moved back home.

I'm not too sure how much to believe from her though. She was saying all this stuff about still wanting to be with me and how she still wants to get married and things like that. The whole conversation just made me more upset with the whole situation. I talked to her the other day but it wasn't for long or in detail. I don't know why I even bothered to answer the phone last night.

I get that she's stressed and doesn't know what to do at this point. She claims to love him. She goes home with him every night. She's having his kid. I mean a kid is kind of a big deal. I wanted to try to be friends with her but I don't think that's going to work out at all since she's still saying stuff about wanting to be with me and things like that. It's just not okay.

I don't understand how you tell someone you love them then go a cheat like that for so long then turn around and tell that person you love them. I wouldn't have so much of a problem with it if he knew what she was saying to me but he doesn't. The only reason he found out is because he read a text message that I sent to her a few weeks ago.

I lost not only my girlfriend but my best friend as well.

=( I really do think you need to move on from her, I know it's going to be hard, maybe impossible, but...She cheated on you and lied to you. If you did end up getting back together what would happen?
And I know that I can't be friends with someone I don't trust, not close friends, and not someone who I was close with for a very long time until they betrayed me. I am not that forgiving though. I tend to give people 3 chances, or one big one, and then fuck them, I tried. But lying about stuff like that, especially when you insisted to her that it was OK if she slept with other people she just had to tell you about it...I mean that sounds fair to me.

*hugggs.*

It's more of the lying thing that gets to me. I asked her before if she had someone else and she said no several times. She was lying. I have little tolerance for lying. Most other things I can work around but the fact I can never trust her again has me thinking that I just shouldn't even bother. I'm defiantly not getting back together with her since I would always be wondering if she's seeing someone behind my back all the time. The fact that she lives with him bugs me a lot too. It's just too much all at once and I'm just overloaded.

I asked her the same thing about getting back together when she mentioned it. I asked her what could I possibly do for her if I can't trust her. I told her that I couldn't raise a kid right now at this point in my life anyway. I also told her maybe she should focus on raising her family rather than worrying about me. I just need to get my mind off her some how and focus on taking care of myself and my own problems.

That's probably a good idea. You are what matters, she has a baby to worry about, her problems aren't yours anymore. She made this choice, and she has to live with it.
You need to focus on you. :)
I need to do some of that, too.

What have you been up to lately besides this drama? Read anything interesting?

I just worry about her still even though I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't love her but I still do a lot.

I've been trying to go back to school but I can't get a loan due to my horrible credit and can't afford to pay my way through school on the salary I make. I was thinking about trying to either finish up my Japanese classes or English classes. I think it's more practical for me to teach than to do the business thing.

I've just been writing a lot to keep myself sane enough to get through daily life. Pretty much all I do is sit here and write about things that are bothering me. I've been well enough lately to work a few short shifts but I really need to do something about the money situation since I barely squeak by with bills at the moment.

Can you afford a community school? I'm going to a community school next semester hopefully...I'm going to apply this week. :) And my grades were decent so I'll probably get in no problem. But I really wanted to go to one of the nice schools around here, but I can't afford transportation to one of them, and the other one I'm very very very much afraid is going to be too big a school to spend that much money on it if I might drop out again....So I'm putting my toe in the water with community, and hoping it works out.

I'm glad your writing though, that's a good way to help get out stress and sort out thoughts. I prefer to beat the poop out of stuff in video games though, other than a rant here or there I'm not much of a writer or diary keeper.

I hope things get better for you with all my heart...It seems like most people are having financial problems right now. :(

Even the community schools cost too much for me right now. I'm afraid of dropping out again too which is why I kept putting it off. Plus I can't drive at the moment due to medications so that doesn't help either. Community schools are great for getting back into going to school though.

Yeah, money is just a small part of it. My savings all went towards medications and i had to take time off of work because I got sick with all the drugs they had me on for a few weeks.

Writing helps so much with things. I just get mad at the fact I can't finish songs at the moment because I broke my thumb and can't use my left hand again. Playing guitar with one hand doesn't work too well.

I felt a bit better today so maybe tomorrow will be even better. I think it's because she didn't contact me at all so I've been having my mind set on other things today.