I really absolutely despise myself sometimes. I'm not talking about a mild anger at myself. I'm talking full-on rage; if I was someone who was not myself I would stab repeatedly(and I'm not a violent person). I have always had awful self-esteem, but last year, I resolved to try to see the good in me that friends of mine insist is there. And it's helped a lot. But sometimes, I get a deep-seated hatred that I can't suppress that just makes me loathe myself.

I am horribly clumsy. Ridiculously so. I also have very bad luck, and no matter how hard I try to pay attention, I can still be a little unaware. These mixtures have led to the death of approximately 3,500$ worth of my possessions (four laptops, two cell phones, an HD pocket video camera, and an iPod Touch) within the past twelve months, most of which I bought myself, and what I didn't, my parents bought me. Furthermore, every time I break something, my stepmother gives me absolute shit for it. My stepmother is a very pissy, angry, controlling, and domineering woman. She always has been. And every time I break something, she rants about how irresponsible I am.

Well a few weeks ago, I was at my parents' house for quarter break. My dad and my stepmom both work. I made plans to go have lunch with my best friend one day, but when I told my stepmom about it, I asked what I should do in the way of locking up the house while I was gone (our house is weird, and I never stay there much anymore). She flipped her wig, and yelled at me for half an hour about how I shouldn't go because our door sticks and she couldn't trust me to close it all the way when I left. I was so hurt. I'm 19 years old, and have been on my own for two years. And my stepmother doesn't trust me one bit. Not even to close a door. That's how horribly irresponsible she regards me to be. She literally didn't let up her yelling until I consented to just not go. Then my dad intervened, told her she was acting like a bitch and that I'm nearly 20 years old, not five. He said I should go, and assured me she wouldn't give me crap or it anymore.

Well today, I lost my keys to my dorm room. We aren't given spare sets, and I can't just wait for them to turn up because you need the FOB to even get in the building. To get our keys replaced, it costs money. I feel like utter shit. I can't help but wonder that maybe she was right. Maybe I am just an irresponsible failure of a person.

You for 1: Are not a failure
2: Clumsiness is something you can't control most of the time.
3: Your step mother is bat shit nuts and mean.

To address number one, from what I can see, you are an intelligent capable woman, not a failure at all. From seeing your posts here on mene I can conclude that you are pretty smart and a good person. I get those times when you are in a rut and you hate yourself for possibly no reason, you know why I can get where you are coming from? It is because I go through it to. Usually the best of people have to go through hell and back before everything gets better. You have your whole life ahead of you, live it and persevere.

To address number two, I am clumsy. I fall up/down the steps maybe 2-5 times a week, trip over things, break things, and fall for no reason. You are just born with it. I mean, you should feel bad that you have broken what you have but sometimes you can't control it. I understand that much.

To address number three, your step mother has no right to be treating you like you are my age (15). Even then, she should not say things like that to you. I mean come on! A door? Over a door? It sounds like something my grandmother would do so, again, I understand. Try to ignore it. It may be hard, I even have trouble with it! You just have to ignore it and don't scream or yell at them because then it just makes it worse. My grandmother is like your step mother in a sense, she yells at me over little things, she gets butt hurt over everything and she is generally a mean person. My grandmother also says very hurtful things to me that would take forever to list. If your step mothers says any mean things it might just be her nature. Again, ignore it like your life depends on it.

To sum it all up,
YOU ARE HUMAN, and humans make mistakes.

If you ever need to vent, or talk to someone, or anything! Feel free to PM me or drop a visitor message on my page :)
I am always ready to help anyone if need be.

Thanks, Daisy. :D That made me feel a lot better.

Yeah, my stepmother is, as you described, bat shit insane. She has been that way since I was young. I'm the middle child, and a stepchild, sooo yeah. I love my dad, and he's a great parent, but he was always working or golfing, so he wasn't always at home. Meanwhile, she's always been verbally abusive, uptight, and just plain mean. And she only works a few hours a day, so she was ALWAYS home. I wasn't even allowed to stay home alone until I was 17, and had to go to bed every night at 9 PM, even the days after I graduated high school. She's why I moved out so quickly (within a week) of graduating.

Thanks for the offer. :] I added you, and will probably take you up on your offer. Though I rarely go back to my parents' house, I do have to from time to time. I do my best to minimize my contact with her. Haha.

Let me just say this...I worked in the housing office of my oncampus housing at college for two years and a billion people lose their keys there. I had to deal with students who lost their keys about 40 times a shift. Please don't believe that you are the only one to do so - you aren't stupid and dumb or whatever you stepmom was calling you. Shit happens. Your stepmom needs to get over it. I've lost my car key a billion and one times only to find it again and hour later....I've lost things I put into places for safe keeping, etc.

As for the clumsy - I'm clumsy too. At work people constantly say it's not a real shift until Maria burns herself on the grill! My arm is scarred with burns from that grill. One time I bent down to get some flatbread on the shelf under a table and totally nailed my head in the corner of it. The girl next to me thought I passed out I collapsed to the ground so fast. I was bleeding everywher, it was ridiculous. Another time I hit my head on a sink. Another time I put a tortilla on the grill without looking to heat it up and placed my hand on it to make it heat faster...but totally didn't notice my hand WASN"T on the tortilla but on the grill instead....burned the sensation out of that hand for a month XD I've fallen up stairs, down stairs.

It sucks but it's something I unfortunately have to deal with. You do too. But don't let anyone tell you it makes you weak and stupid. It's just part of you that people need to learn to live with.

Clumsy is okay. I'm a huge ditz myself.

You can take extra care with extra precautions and little reminders here and there. I tend to do little things that make me uncomfortable like leave my door bedroom door open when I'm cooking (since I leave the kitchen), or tie something around my finger and so on to remind me I have something to remember. With keys, I actually close the door with the key in the lock even if it's not needed, just so I know I have it with me as I exit the door.

oO That's kind of insane... why don't you start using cheaper and sturdier gadgets? I love the Nokia 3310 even if it's ancient. XD You could drive a car over it and it's fine. Then again, I'm not really into tech to really want the nicer stuff and stick to really practical things. xD

I don't particularly opt for expensive things (except the iPod Touch). One of the computers I broke was one my mom bought me, which costs 1500$+. It sort of jacked up the total cost. Neither of the phones were particularly expensive, and two of my other computers were bottom of the line (300$ each). If I didn't absolutely need a computer, I wouldn't keep buying them, though. I'd let my old ones just stay broken and that's it. But you can't function as a college student, especially not at my university, without regular, consistent internet access.

As for the precautions, thing, I do my best with that. I really do. But it's hard to help clumsiness with little reminders like that. And as for the keys, I understand that. I never leave my dorm without my keys in my hand. I didn't lose them here. I lost them somewhere on campus yesterday. D: