My ex asked me to remarry him and now I'm in a complete panic over it. I really do not know what to say to him. I've never been closer to anyone else and I honestly do love him. It's just that I don't date and I don't date men. I just can't do it. I feel like a complete ass saying no just because he's a guy though. I feel like I'm discriminating against him based on his biological gender, which is something he obviously has no control over.

The whole penis thing just grosses me out and it's a big reason why we divorced in the first place. I just hate the idea of sex with men, it always grossed me out and I just can't do it. I tried with him before several times and thought it was just me not being experienced that made me think it was nasty but I realized that that wasn't the problem. It makes me physically ill just to think about it. He is very aware of that but says that it doesn't matter. Other than the fact he has a penis, we've never had much of a reason not to be together. I just kind of feel that just being in love with one another isn't enough to keep us together.

I told him for now that I would think about it but I'm not entirely sure if I could be with him without things turning out like they did in our previous marriage. I know he loves me but it's just complicated and I just don't know what to tell him.

You aren't discriminating against him because of his gender. You're honestly uncomfortable with having sex with men and that is just how you are. There is nothing wrong with it. You shouldn't be forced to be attracted to a gender if you aren't. That isn't how sexuality works and forcing yourself to could lead to a lot of emotional and mental complications down the road.

If sex is something that is important to both of you in a relationship, then I don't see it working out unless you magically aren't disgusted by a penis anymore. If sex is just important to one of you, I also don't see it working out. Sex in a lot of relationships is very important, whether we think of it that way or not. (Asexuals, you're the lovely exceptions. <3)

You left him for a reason, remember that. There are reasons people become exes. You may be on good terms, but that isn't a reason to date them. I have plenty of amazing friends I love that, if things were different (I wasn't a lesbian), I would love to date them. However, I know it wouldn't work out because I'm plain not interested in that way.

It's your choice, though.

Well asking you to remarry him sounds like a bit of a stretch, given the situation. Jumping back into marriage sounds like it's far from a good idea, especially if, physically speaking, you're a lesbian. But if you really do love each other, then there is a possibility that things could work, especially since you've had a relationship together in the past.

The physical lesbian situation is quite hampering. But that does NOT mean you are discriminating against him. Especially because, if nothing else, it is customary for married couples to have sex on at least a semi-regular basis. Though there are things you could try, depending on how you are and how he is in regards to sexual relationships. You could attempt to have a polyamorous or polysexual relationship where you bring in another girl, for example. I'm sure there are many more options than just that.

Don't beat yourself up over not being able to quickly say yes like you would want to. There are a number of factors here, and sexual orientation is what it is.

Have you considered polyamory/polysexuality? As I said, there are many solutions. This is just one possibility that comes to mind. Maybe I'm weird. >.>

Part of me is saying "don't be dumb and repeat the past" while the other part is telling me that I do love him and being with him wasn't so bad aside from that one issue.

When we were married before I had a live in girlfriend. He refused to date other people though even though I said I was okay with it as long as I knew about it. He told me that this time around he wants it to just be us. He wants a family and I want a family. We both want to settle down but I'm just not too sure about the whole thing. It makes sense but at the same time I really can't change things about myself and that to me doesn't make sense. I don't want him to feel rejected if I decide no but I also don't want to trap myself again like before. We've been divorced for 6 years but still talk to each other daily for hours and share pretty much everything with one another. He's my best friend and I'm his.

Kind of doubt I'm going to offer anything useful here, but; I read a book once where one of the couples where married, and they were both gay. Because of that there was nothing sexual at all in their relationship, and they both had sexual relationships outside of the marriage that were completely seperate to the marriage.

They had a lovely married life together and were true soul mates, there was just no sex. You need a good talk (or several) with your ex, to find out what his motivation is, I think. is he wanting a sexual relationship with you, even if he's fully aware of your sexuality. if he is, that seems really selfish, to me :ninja: because he'll surely be aware of the anguish that will cause you.

.................

You response makes what I've been saying moot :lol: I really don't know what to say. He's clearly wanting a heterosexual relationship with you and I'm not sure what to make of that. Maybe he really just doesn't understand your sexuality, or how you feel, at all.

Well. If he says that he wants it to be just you, then quite honestly, I don't see it working out, though it pains me to say it. :/ People choose to believe it's not true, but in mature relationships, sexual connection is important, and as I'm sure I don't have to tell you, if you don't click sexually, it can end relationships. The reason why I suggested polysexuality was to help alleviate this problem. What I mean is, maybe you could be allowed to have sex with whoever you want, but not date others. That might sound bad. XD It might not be a great idea, though.

I have to agree with Yaks when she says that forcing things could have unhealthy mental repercussions. If you two attempt a relationship, especially a marriage, you both need a sexual out. It is of course optimal that you are able to have sex with each other, but if you can't, then separate sexual partners COULD help. But that's far from a guarantee, and if either he or you is not even willing to try that, then I don't think marriage is an option. :/ I'm sorry.

@Jelly: I'm not too sure what to make of it since the only thing he really says after I explain things is that he loves me and he's having a really hard time being with anyone else. He's aware of how I am which is why I'm not too sure what to make of the whole thing either.

@Alice: Sex ending it is what scares me and makes me want to say no and just leave it at that but I keep going back and forth about it because I do feel as if him and I are supposed to be together in a way. It's hard to explain.

Don't let him make you feel emotionally trapped by his feelings. YOUR feelings count, too. Yes, he wants a relationship with you, but it sounds to me that you, honestly, don't and you're just thinking getting with him would make "sense" because you're close emotionally. You can still be best friends, but he wants a sexual relationship with you. If he wants a family, that involves having sex with you or adopting. I'm confused as to WHY he is bringing this up despite knowing what your sexual preference is.

You can be together as friends, but romantically it isn't going to work out. You're saying so yourself. You say you don't want to be trapped. Nothing has changed, so why would you think that feeling trapped won't happen the second time? Find someone who will make you happy as a whole. You deserve that. <3

This is coming from me, someone who was also married to a man when I was very obviously a lesbian. At the end of it all, it felt like I was being, well, raped when we had sex. It was disgusting to feel that way and I never want it to happen again.

I've got to agree with Yaks :yes:

He has a son he wants me to adopt and we were thinking of adopting before since I can't have kids. Sex was like that for me too. He felt like it was his fault even though he did nothing wrong.

I'm going to try to talk to him again tonight about it and see where it goes from there.

It isn't his fault. It isn't anyone's fault, just don't put yourself in that situation.

I hope your talk goes well, but just make sure to bring up the topic of sex, okay? If he has any thoughts of doing the deed with you, well.. Stand your ground. <3 Good luck. It's ultimately your decision. Do what your mind and heart say is the best choice for you. Not him. Just you. <3

Yaks is very wise. :yes:

It does seem to me that he just doesn't "get" the concept of a woman not being sexually attracted to men. For him to think it's something personal involving him.

Can you explain it to him by asking him to imagine how he'd feel if a man wanted to have sex with him?

He needs to be able to comprehend that there's nothing wrong with him, you're just not into men.

I don't have much to add to this conversation that hasn't already been said far better by Yak, but I do want to add in a little snippet of wisdom that's kept my heart from getting broken more than once.

If you have even the tiniest grain of doubt about whether or not you want to be in a long-term, committed, and especially, married relationship with a person, then it's wrong, and you need to move on. You shouldn't feel any doubt about the person you want to spend your life with, and it sounds like you have some serious doubt here.

I advise that you listen to yourself, because only you can make you happy. In the end, you don't want to regret trying to make a square block fit into a round hole.

Thanks everyone for the advice. :) It helped to get my thoughts straight.