I don't really know how to start with this one, so please bear with me as I sort things out. A while back I had begun to question my teachings in the religion my family follows. I always have, but they were more questions about following the religion, and how to properly do so. As I grow older, I have found myself questioning a wider variety of things. My family is Catholic. My grandmother has been teaching me, she teaches CCD (the Church's school), and has homeschooled me in it for years. I used to attend church a lot, and always did my best to be a good, respectful follower.

The thing is, as I've questioned things more and more, I've found myself lacking in belief of these teachings. I have kept my questions quiet, since most of them have been met with exasperation or irritation. It's not that I try to undermine anyone's beliefs, but when I would have a question regarding a section of the Bible we were studying, I would pursue it until I got my answer, and if it was a question that could possibly oppose her teachings, she got irritated. Don't get me wrong, she's an intelligent, loving person, and she helped raise me, but I learned to hold those questions back. It didn't happen often, only once in a while, perhaps when she herself could not answer me. Most of the time she was very open to my comments or concerns. The whole point to this is, I have kept a lot of my questions to myself, any I came across, and I am still coming across more, and I want to study things further before I claim to be part of any religious sect.

I just find that at the moment I have too many disbelief's, or questions, or irritations with the religion to commit to it. I want to go explore and learn about not only Catholicism in depth, but other religions as well before I choose one to commit to, if I ever end up committing to one at all. I understand none of them will be perfect for me, but if there are only a couple of teachings I only somewhat disagree with, and the foundation and original beliefs (meaning before human law and other things after the most important events) are strong, I can deal with it and love it.

I'm afraid to confess to my family this, though. And more importantly, I am afraid to cut off my religious teachings with my grandmother. She once said she is tolerant of all other beliefs, but she is a firm Catholic, and she does believe that those who deny her faith will go to hell. I love her. I want to learn more about the religion. But I cannot continue with CCD as taught by the Church itself. All it teaches is how to follow the faith, believe in Jesus and God, and teaches you exactly what is forbidden. It gives no historical context or lesson, nor does it in the slightest touch upon issues of science and the beliefs. The closest it has gotten is telling that abortions and mercy killings are wrong. But nothing more, and no going in depth beyond 'it's murder'.

I had decided a while ago that I would, for the time being, become agnostic to keep an open mind. I DO believe there is a higher being, I just have not found one yet that I feel I can believe in yet 100%. I recently decided to ask my mother about her beliefs. I thought she would be the most open minded. She is constantly trying to learn about science, and I have heard her have debates where she herself questions the Catholic Church. I told her I wanted to ask her something serious, waited until my little sister (who is 8) was out of hearing, and asked what her thoughts on the Catholic Church were. She said she found herself to be Catholic since it's the one that closest fits her beliefs. I told her I was unsure of the religion, and wanted to stop with the CCD lessons so I could explore it and other religions on my own from different perspectives. She had a surprisingly negative response, saying that if I was smart I would finish my CCD lessons before questioning things. I responded with the fact that if I stayed I would have to have my confirmation (which I am late on), and I am just not comfortable giving my word to the Church when my beliefs are so shaky. Furthermore, as I expressed before, the Church does not teach certain things. I told her I considered myself agnostic, and asked what she thought of it and if she was okay with it. She became angry and the conversation ended soon after that.

I have spent a long time getting rid of my years of a formed habit of praying before bed. I do not mind praying with my family when I see my grandparents, as they tend to before eating, or attending church on the holidays with them. But I'm scared to tell my grandmother about this for fear of losing her love, or making her angry as I made my mother. Furthermore, I feel like a traitor since my mother's response. I want to learn more before I make a decision, and that might take years. Who knows? Perhaps one day I will make the choice to become a fully fledged Catholic. Perhaps I will never find the right religion. I can't be sure at this point.

I guess I just really need some advice and opinions on this. Maybe even some support? I don't know what to do.

I am not the most knowledgeable person you will meet on religions, but I've heard many a time that Catholicism is extremely strict, and as a regular non-denominational Christian Catholicism doesn't sit well with me. I'm not saying it's bad, or that it's wrong, but it's not my cup of tea, and the fact that you're questioning it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I am not baptized or confirmed by any religion, and I don't really believe that it's a necessary thing. You can be baptized and confirmed and still not have a single ounce of faith in Jesus, God, or Christianity. It's my belief that those things will do nothing for you if you don't have faith.

On that note, every religion in existence is about faith at its deepest roots. If you don't have faith in your religion, then you need to go out and study and find the religion that suits you, because a fake faith in any religion is worthless.

With that said, I don't know how old you are, but eventually you will not have to listen to your family--you don't even have to do that now. If you're over 18, then just tell your family that you're an adult, and according to the Bible that makes you responsible for your own saving and your own religious beliefs.

My family doesn't know it but I was agnostic for almost two years while I rejected Christianity in my depression and search for a kinder God, but I searched my soul and came to the conclusion over time that Christianity was what I believed in.

You will have to do that some day. I don't recommend doing anything that will get you kicked out of your family's house, but...you know...there are libraries, and while you're studying Catholicism you can study other religions using books from the library and the internet. By the time you're free of your parents you'll probably have a good idea what faith (or lack thereof) you want to follow if you study during the time you have to be with them.

you sound like a very levelheaded individual.
i remember when i realized that the part of the Catholic faith that takes the most faith is the 'believing' part.
following by faith, not by sight.
i think you should just let your Grandmother share her faith and wisdom with you, if you can handle it.
CDC is very important to her, she spreads God's word.
i am Catholic, there are a lot of things i disagree with,
but i try to follow by faith, believing in what i was taught.
i won't say it's easy, and i believe all who believe will ascend to heaven.
i am glad you shared it with your mother and i hope you find what you are looking for,
even if it isn't Catholicism.
i believe God loves everyone,
since we are all made in His image.
i hope you put your Catholic Religion on 'hold/pause' and don't drop it.

It's good to experiment and find something you truly believe in, whether is is a religion or not. It's always best to go for what you believe in most and have sincere feelings towards it. I used to be a Buddhist and converted to Christianity but have no denomination I can truly affiliate myself with but that's okay. I also find how Quakers work to be quite interesting. Google them :)
I think that contrary to popular modern belief, it's okay to question things. Christianity, Islam and so on once promoted questioning and attempts to understand the world.
So don't commit to anything and do some soul searching

*shrugs* nothing wrong with exploring.
don't feel bad if you have your confirmation and then decide theres something missing. I had my confirmation when I was in grade 5. Decided in grade 8 that my Catholic elementary school was doing nothing for me, so once I left elementary I turned my back on religion.

I'm 21 and still haven't found a religion to suit me. I guess I would call myself Spiritualist, but there are so many religions/'non'-religions, if you feel the need to have some set to belong to, just keep looking. You'll find something that speaks to you.

And don't let anyone decide your path for you. You are human, you have the right to the pursuit of happiness ^.^