I am going through a time where I don't know what to do. First things first, a bit of background information. I will be 21 next month, am a full time college student going on my 5th and final year with great grades. I love my family and my boyfriend to death, but I messed up and now I'm not sure what to do.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years and we have been planning on getting married on December next year. My dad and my uncle are building us a house on my grandmother's empty lot and don't want my boyfriend to put any money into it, just work there, if he has the time because he works and studies.

The problem starts like this, kind of. In order for me to go out with my boyfriend, my brother has to chaperon all the time, everywhere. He has traits of autism, ADHD and social anxiety, which makes things... complicated. It always feels more like I'm babysitting him and my boyfriend just happens to be there... Not really a date. Note this has been going on for 2.5 YEARS. I've tried talking to my parents about it, how its not really necessary to have a chaperon at my age, and that it makes the 3 of us uncomfortable. They, however, don't listen to me and its either their way, or no way.

Here's where I mess up... In order to spend some alone time with my boyfriend (because there's no way for me to even KISS him without my brother feeling awkward and then I'd feel guilty because I'm making him uncomfortable), I started sneaking out at night. Meaning that I'd wait for my parents to go to bed and leave out through the back door and return in the morning before they woke up, like a rebellious freaking teen. I hated it, I find it stupid, but I couldn't see any other way to have ANY sort of alone time with him.

We are a very sexual couple, meaning we had sex at least 2 times in a week. My mom doesn't believe in sex before marriage, and if I talked to her about it, she would probably freak and beat me up.

Now, I don't believe sex is the base for ANY relationship, and ours is not the exception. I sneaked out to spend time with him; watch movies with popcorn and soda, goof off playing video games, go to walmart at 3am for no reason, to walgreens for a french latte... that kind of thing. Just fun. Of course, there's the sex every once in a while, but its not ALL that. I only mentioned it because being "pure" was a big deal to my MOM. NOT ME.

Last night, s**t happened. I snuck out at night to see my bf's mom (who almost died a few weeks ago) and spent some time with her and his little sister. It was fun, it was great and I loved it. Afterwards, I went to his house to spend the night, planning on being back by morning. However, just as we got comfortable all cuddled up under the covers, my phone started ringing.

It was my mom.

I went into a panic, got dressed and jumped to his car.

I called her back, she went to my room and knew I wasn't there.

It was over. I was busted.

I went home with my boyfriend, my parents had a talk with us (dad talked, mom just yelled over and over "how could you do this to me?!" and I was too freaked out to even speak, so they told my bf to leave and for me to go to my room, that we'd speak in the morning.

He offered to wait for me, to pick up my clothes and take my dog and just move out with him, but I can't. He lives in a house on top of his grandparent's, and they're planning on knocking it out soon. He told me we could go to his mom and go house hunting starting tomorrow (today), but I declined. I don't have a job, and its hard for me to find one with my school schedule. He didn't want me to stay here because we were sure my mom would hit me.

He left, I went to my room, and just as I was changing to my pjs, mom bursted in and pulled my hair, yelling, crying and screaming at me. Dad came and held her back, telling her to calm down, but it didn't work. She kicked me and slapped me repeatedly when she found out I wasn't a virgin. Dad took it calmly, asked me if I had a plan now, and I couldn't really say that my plan was to move out and depend on my bf until I got on my feet... I wanna stand on my own first and then move in with him, afterwards get married. I couldn't get it out, I just said I don't know... and he just said that he didn't care that I slept with him, that he would have personally taken me there, but that he didn't expect to go to my room and find it empty. That I ******** up, he was disappointed... but that I was an adult and if only I was honest, he'd be okay.

OK, if I'm not allowed to go to McDonalds without a chaperon, how the ******** would that even be true? I don't know. All the while, mom kept calling me a slut, a whore, a piece of s**t... things I was afraid she would call me because I love her, and I wish she wouldn't be so hurtful...

I'm not allowed to see my boyfriend again, well, just 1 hour (didn't say when), in the front porch... and that's it. No more.

I barely spend time with him because of his work, his studies and our "dates" where stupid as hell because we didn't really spend time together, we were busy babysitting... I love him, and he loves me, but what can I do? I miss him so much... I'm into tears just thinking about how much I'm gonna miss his hugs, his kisses, his random outbursts of nonsense just to see me smile... He really is the perfect boyfriend and I am NOT breaking up with him.

But this is stupid! I don't know if I'm in the wrong here, but I just wanted to spend some time with him as a couple. As it should be. And now I won't get to see him anymore because of my parents... I don't want my relationship to crumble... This guy, he's my everything. We have a very strong bond, but my parents (my mom, specially), is ******** this up.

What can I do?

If I move out, they will probably stop building our house at my grandma's lot, and that is definitely a no-no. Its had over 2k spent on it,and we can't afford to move out on our own just yet.

I don't think this is move-out worthy. I think I'm old enough to make my decisions, its my life, my body and my relationship... So why is it that my mom and dad rule over every aspect of EVERYTHING?

I feel alone. I've talked to my bf but he says that I sound different, like a different person. That I'm cold now and always sad. HELLO, I GOT BEATEN AND INSULTED 24/7.

My life is down to s**t, my mom hates me and I'm stuck here... with nothing. I don't know what to do. Someone, anyone, please... I need advice. I just wanted to have a normal relationship with the love of my life... was that so bad?

I'm going to be frank here. Your mother's behavior is abuse. No parent EVER has ANY right to call their child a slut, whore, or piece of shit (which you are not btw, don't EVER believe what someone says about you just because they're in a position of power over you) no matter what they did. That is emotional abuse no matter what the reasons behind it and it is a terrible thing to do. They have even LESS right to beat you up. Period. Full stop. It's not okay EVER. The only time they should even THINK about such a possibility is in self defense of a physical attack.

You did nothing wrong. You went behind the back of someone who was abusive and tried to escape their toxicity to live your own normal life. No matter what their relationship to you may be, this is NEVER WRONG.

I'd say call the cops on the jerkwad, but I understand the inner conflict of wanting to try and salvage a relationship because of family bonds...and money. I've been there. I know it's not a fun position to be in.

Unfortunately, she sounds a lot like a huge control freak to me. Maybe a well-intentioned control freak, but a control freak nonetheless. Unless SHE changes, there's probably very little chance of working this out. You can try to please her, but it sounds to me like that would be extremely unhealthy for you. Control freak behavior is toxic no matter what the intentions behind it.

The best option I can give you is to suggest to them family counseling. Unfortunately, because of mother-child power dynamics, it will be really hard for you to convince her yourself that she's doing anything wrong - but if you play your pitch as you want some outside assistance to help you become a better daughter, it might work (sometimes, in order to free yourself of a manipulative relationship, you have to do a little manipulating yourself). If it doesn't work? I'd say it is move-out-worthy.

Also, try talking to one of the crisis counseling hotlines mentioned in the sticky in this forum. They may be able to give you a lot more help than I can.

Also, "purity" is a myth. Sex doesn't change you as a person nor does it change your body in any way, you are not "damaged goods", you are a young woman with agency over your own body and you deserve that. Don't ever believe anyone who says otherwise. I can link you to endless hours of scientific articles on the subject that do nothing but tell you all the reasons that "purity" is just society's way of making sure women don't get to have as much fun as men and it's bullshit.

Originally Posted by Stellar Delusion

I'm going to be frank here. Your mother's behavior is abuse. No parent EVER has ANY right to call their child a slut, whore, or piece of shit (which you are not btw, don't EVER believe what someone says about you just because they're in a position of power over you) no matter what they did. That is emotional abuse no matter what the reasons behind it and it is a terrible thing to do. They have even LESS right to beat you up. Period. Full stop. It's not okay EVER. The only time they should even THINK about such a possibility is in self defense of a physical attack.

You did nothing wrong. You went behind the back of someone who was abusive and tried to escape their toxicity to live your own normal life. No matter what their relationship to you may be, this is NEVER WRONG.

I'd say call the cops on the jerkwad, but I understand the inner conflict of wanting to try and salvage a relationship because of family bonds...and money. I've been there. I know it's not a fun position to be in.

Unfortunately, she sounds a lot like a huge control freak to me. Maybe a well-intentioned control freak, but a control freak nonetheless. Unless SHE changes, there's probably very little chance of working this out. You can try to please her, but it sounds to me like that would be extremely unhealthy for you. Control freak behavior is toxic no matter what the intentions behind it.

The best option I can give you is to suggest to them family counseling. Unfortunately, because of mother-child power dynamics, it will be really hard for you to convince her yourself that she's doing anything wrong - but if you play your pitch as you want some outside assistance to help you become a better daughter, it might work (sometimes, in order to free yourself of a manipulative relationship, you have to do a little manipulating yourself). If it doesn't work? I'd say it is move-out-worthy.

Also, try talking to one of the crisis counseling hotlines mentioned in the sticky in this forum. They may be able to give you a lot more help than I can.

Also, "purity" is a myth. Sex doesn't change you as a person nor does it change your body in any way, you are not "damaged goods", you are a young woman with agency over your own body and you deserve that. Don't ever believe anyone who says otherwise. I can link you to endless hours of scientific articles on the subject that do nothing but tell you all the reasons that "purity" is just society's way of making sure women don't get to have as much fun as men and it's bullshit.

It might be spoiled or horrible of me, but the reason I haven't really moved out yet is because my dad and uncle are building that house, and I'm scared that they'll stop if I do that. It was supposed to be a gift for me, and (their words, not mine) if my boyfriend had to live with me in it, so be it, but its for Lei.

If we get that house, we won't have to pay rent, just water bills and electric bills. We can help my grandmother with whatever she needs (both of them, actually. They're neighbors). We can save money and find an even better place afterwards. I don't know, I think it'd be dumb of me to lose the opportunity of getting all of that if I move out, but I fear that my safety and mental stability will be in trouble.

I feel trapped, and whenever I ask for help I get insulted or stepped on as a horrible spoiled brat. I want to work, I want independence, I've just been in a bubble for so long that I don't know what to do anymore...

As for the sex, I'm not a believer in "purity" or any of that stuff. Mom is. She's who's crying her eyes out because of it, and is worried that the neighbors saw me because what will they think? =__= I feel so trapped... and worthless. Even my mom hates me now... my boyfriend is probably angry or upset because I'm not "my old self" for these few days... and I don't know. Its petty, but I just wish I could hug him and have my old life back, even if it was behind their back. I just want freedom... and I had no other way of getting it. I don't know what to do... I'm so upset.

So then I would say play along with whatever they're doing until that's built - on the outside. On the inside, find some way to take care of yourself. Treat them the way you wish they'd treat you to their faces - treat them the way they DO treat you behind their backs. Piss and moan about them and disrespect them because they deserve it - you don't automatically deserve respect for having a role in someone being expelled from a vagina. You might have to continue to lie and hide, though of course find a way to do it that they won't suspect now.

Find a hobby you can do at home, while you're stuck. It may not solve any problems, but it's proven to make you feel better. Try making yourself do something productive that FEELS destructive whenever you're upset. Abstract art, perhaps - just take a piece of paper and start attacking it with paint, then add some finer details once you're calmer. Or take a pickaxe and till a flower bed. Sometimes baking can work for this - beat an egg, pound on some dough, whip some frosting. That's something that helps me when I'm in a no-win situation.

I still really strongly recommend the counseling idea because the counselor would be an unbiased mediator - that could be the way to get them to see that they're the ones in the wrong here, and with any kind of luck things will change - but don't get your hopes up, because sometimes control freaks are stubborn. Still, try to make it happen. Talk to people outside of your family, even if it's just online. Again, call one of the crisis counseling hotlines.

If you want to work, that's excellent - it will not only gain you more independence, but it will get you out of the house and away from them for a good part of the day. I recommend starting small - try someplace like Starbucks, or Target, or Costco (I name names because these particular stores have pretty good reputations for treating their employees well, especially Costco) just to get you some work experience and something to put on a resumé...and again, get you out of the house. Usually at places like that you don't need a resumé - just to submit an application and be interviewed, so they're a good place to start if you don't have any work experience yet.

And remember this about life: either it gets better, or you get stronger - or sometimes both happen. That's the remarkable thing about people - we're adaptable like that. This one sounds like a "both" case. Parental control issues are only permanent if you die really young.

As for the purity thing, I just pointed it out because...don't want you letting her brainwash you. >_>

Originally Posted by Stellar Delusion

So then I would say play along with whatever they're doing until that's built - on the outside. On the inside, find some way to take care of yourself. Treat them the way you wish they'd treat you to their faces - treat them the way they DO treat you behind their backs. Piss and moan about them and disrespect them because they deserve it - you don't automatically deserve respect for having a role in someone being expelled from a vagina. You might have to continue to lie and hide, though of course find a way to do it that they won't suspect now.

Find a hobby you can do at home, while you're stuck. It may not solve any problems, but it's proven to make you feel better. Try making yourself do something productive that FEELS destructive whenever you're upset. Abstract art, perhaps - just take a piece of paper and start attacking it with paint, then add some finer details once you're calmer. Or take a pickaxe and till a flower bed. Sometimes baking can work for this - beat an egg, pound on some dough, whip some frosting. That's something that helps me when I'm in a no-win situation.

I still really strongly recommend the counseling idea because the counselor would be an unbiased mediator - that could be the way to get them to see that they're the ones in the wrong here, and with any kind of luck things will change - but don't get your hopes up, because sometimes control freaks are stubborn. Still, try to make it happen. Talk to people outside of your family, even if it's just online. Again, call one of the crisis counseling hotlines.

If you want to work, that's excellent - it will not only gain you more independence, but it will get you out of the house and away from them for a good part of the day. I recommend starting small - try someplace like Starbucks, or Target, or Costco (I name names because these particular stores have pretty good reputations for treating their employees well, especially Costco) just to get you some work experience and something to put on a resumé...and again, get you out of the house. Usually at places like that you don't need a resumé - just to submit an application and be interviewed, so they're a good place to start if you don't have any work experience yet.

And remember this about life: either it gets better, or you get stronger - or sometimes both happen. That's the remarkable thing about people - we're adaptable like that. This one sounds like a "both" case. Parental control issues are only permanent if you die really young.

As for the purity thing, I just pointed it out because...don't want you letting her brainwash you. >_>

I might sound... shallow and overly attached, but I'm worried about not seeing my boyfriend anymore. Dad agreed for me to see him on the weekends at my grandma's house, because he's not allowed at my place anymore. And well, that sounds better than I expected. And I'm worried, not because of sex, but because I just miss the intimacy of cuddling, watching a movie and falling asleep together. All those little things that make a relationship so wonderful. I feel like I'm being ripped apart from all of that.

I have a psychologist, but I don't think that'd work... She just tells me that I'm wrong, to relax and take a deep breath. On very rare occasions she makes me feel better... most of the time I feel like crap after talking to her, because I feel like not even professionals understand what I feel.

Urgh, I hate sounding so whinny... I'm just soooo upset right now. Plus, my boyfriend is upset now too, so I have no way of talking to him until he feels like turning on his phone.

This is putting a strain in every relationship I have... And all because I did a mistake while looking for some freedom...

Your psychologist sounds like a complete failure then. Unfortunately, since she'd be telling your parents what they want to hear, I wouldn't get my hopes up for getting a better one. So I guess that's out. Still, the hotlines are a possibility. These are not just professionals, but professionals specifically trained to deal with people in situations of abuse and being trapped under control freaks.

As far as feeling like even professionals don't understand, remember that she's just one - and just like with any job, there are good ones and bad ones. A psychologist who lumps everyone who goes against their parents' wills as wrong and too high-strung? BAD. My boyfriend's therapist did that...right before prescribing him drugs she admitted he didn't need and that turned out to screw him up possibly permanently.

You're not shallow and overly attached. You want to have a normal relationship with someone who treats you well. That is okay. It would be shallow and overly attached if, say, you got angry at him for surviving without you. Right now you've just had a pleasant situation with another person forcibly taken away from you and you have the right to, in a sense, grieve. There are two things to remember: one, this situation is not permanent; two, it is okay if it hurts in the meantime.

This might make you feel better as well.

Originally Posted by Stellar Delusion

Your psychologist sounds like a complete failure then. Unfortunately, since she'd be telling your parents what they want to hear, I wouldn't get my hopes up for getting a better one. So I guess that's out. Still, the hotlines are a possibility. These are not just professionals, but professionals specifically trained to deal with people in situations of abuse and being trapped under control freaks.

As far as feeling like even professionals don't understand, remember that she's just one - and just like with any job, there are good ones and bad ones. A psychologist who lumps everyone who goes against their parents' wills as wrong and too high-strung? BAD. My boyfriend's therapist did that...right before prescribing him drugs she admitted he didn't need and that turned out to screw him up possibly permanently.

You're not shallow and overly attached. You want to have a normal relationship with someone who treats you well. That is okay. It would be shallow and overly attached if, say, you got angry at him for surviving without you. Right now you've just had a pleasant situation with another person forcibly taken away from you and you have the right to, in a sense, grieve. There are two things to remember: one, this situation is not permanent; two, it is okay if it hurts in the meantime.

This might make you feel better as well.

Omg I just bursted out crying... Thank you. <3

I'll see if I can find someone else to talk to, and will give the hotline a shot too if I feel like its totally out of control.

I am definitely grieving the loss... It sounds stupid, but I miss his smell, the way he randomly wrapped his arms around me and kissed the back of my ear, how he used to burst out in song and random dance to make me laugh on a bad day... We used to sneak out to stuff ourselves with pizza just because I made a passing comment on it, and when I refused because it was expensive or he'd waste gas, he'd say it was never too much for his princess. T_T

Oh, he's the sweetest guy ever... and I miss him so much. I can't... really do anything about it, and it hurts. I just want a hug and to know that everything will really be okay.

Well, if you ever want to talk to me just to talk, my Skype is linked to my profile and my tumblr is in my signature. I'll be happy to offer any help I can, even if it's just someone to talk to. Be aware, I can be an aggressively encouraging honey badger at times.

I can try and even offer you some distractions in the form of offering you a volunteer position as a beta reader for video game stories. The entire point of these projects is to help as many people as possible, so...if you think it will make you feel better, talk to me.

Originally Posted by Stellar Delusion

Well, if you ever want to talk to me just to talk, my Skype is linked to my profile and my tumblr is in my signature. I'll be happy to offer any help I can, even if it's just someone to talk to. Be aware, I can be an aggressively encouraging honey badger at times.

I can try and even offer you some distractions in the form of offering you a volunteer position as a beta reader for video game stories. The entire point of these projects is to help as many people as possible, so...if you think it will make you feel better, talk to me.

You're Zack on Skype? Its who I found :)

And sometimes we all need some aggressive encouragement, so I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for the help and the advice, I really needed that.

And that pic still makes me teary-eyed... Haha

Yep, that's me! Had to reconnect in order to see your request, but now I've got you. I really need to find myself a better Skype client - I share a computer with my boyfriend and he uses the official one and we hate logging each other out to log ourselves in every time we need to talk to someone so I use a browser client that...isn't very good.

I'm glad I was able to help a little. Like I said, feel free to talk to me any time you want.

And yeah, Calming Manatee and friends are the best, aren't they?

Originally Posted by Stellar Delusion

Yep, that's me! Had to reconnect in order to see your request, but now I've got you. I really need to find myself a better Skype client - I share a computer with my boyfriend and he uses the official one and we hate logging each other out to log ourselves in every time we need to talk to someone so I use a browser client that...isn't very good.

I'm glad I was able to help a little. Like I said, feel free to talk to me any time you want.

And yeah, Calming Manatee and friends are the best, aren't they?

Oh Skype is wonky as it is, and gah, browser switching and all sounds so... complicated haha

I'm glad I got to talk to you, I feel a lot better. Good to know there are people out here willing to listen and not judge. :)