WTF! I'm mad...
 

Apparently I'm a bitch and being unreasonable because I'm mad that my boyfriend lied to me about dating a particular woman, and has visited her brother (and seen her SEVERAL times ALONE). I just found a journal entry of his (in a notebook on a desk, I was going through stuff for packing) and I KNOW its an old-ass entry, but am I wrong for being angry at him for LYING to me about her and then going to visit her? :/ I just...that seems...fucked up...I feel really twisted and used over this.

I totes get that it was YEARS before we started dating, but, why lie about it to me? Yeah, I can be jealous, but I get angry about it ONLY when someone tries to hide that shit from me (because thats...shitty!)

I know at one point I asked him point blank about her too, and he said, that they had "both been interested" but nothing had happened, but this journal entry is sortof explicit for a few lines about the things he wanted to do her (also the word "again" was used), and none of the other women he'd dated.

And it just made me reallllly uncomfortable. It was just on our desk, face up, nothing on top of it... and I opened to the first page (wondering if it was something we should keep or if it was an old DnD book or school book of mine), and it was on the 3rd page, I'd just been skimming but I saw, "I feel like I shouldn't, but I love her. I love Nichole."

[grr]

I'd be pissed too. It's not so much that he had those feelings waaaay long ago, but the fact that he can't own up to it.

I feel like when people can't own up to something it shows a lot about how they have yet to completely come to terms with it. I hope it's nothing too bad though. >_<

Did you think for a second that the reason he hid this information from you is because he knew that you'd react this way? As I understood (correct me if i'm wrong), he was involved with this woman YEARS before he met you! So what's the big deal?

Is he still in contact with this woman?

YES. HE GOES TO VISIT HER AND HER BROTHER ON A SEMI-REGULAR BASIS.

Yes, it happed years ago, but the point was, I asked him DIRECTLY about her and he lied.

Oh. So you've a good point to be mad at him. If I were you, I wouldn't have let him visit her. If he wants to visit her brother so he can visit him when she's not around, or, a better solution - he can visit him outside, or at his place!

can't help but agree with mogwai here. (with her first post that is) honestly he probably figured it wasn't worth you reacting the way you're reacting now, and you getting all suspicious and angsty every time he went to hang out with said woman and her brother.

Exactly! Especially because he and I have spoken about her before because the one time I met her, she was insanely hostile to me. I figured she just didn't like me, but now I know WHY!
And I just on some level feel betrayed. I'm not sure if he's cheated on me, but now I have questions/insecurities about it. :/ I worry that he's lied to me about other things.

And he wonders why I worry about alone time spent with an ex that he has a huuuuge journal entry about etc, and has adamantly refused (several times) that anything happened with.

I only ever asked in the first place because of her hateful behavior towards me when I went with him to visit her brother (she happens to live in the house with him and his aunt).

---------- Post added 08-17-2013 at 02:02 PM ----------

We have been together in a serious sexual relationship for 3 years, lying about past sexual relationships when asked point blank is never acceptable.

Why does he still visit her regularly? I'm not saying exes can't turn into friends (heck, one of my boyfriend's exes is now a good friend of mine) but if one denies they were ever more than friends and the other gets insanely spiteful when you come near, you know something's not right. It's entirely possible that they're just friends now, but then I don't get why she reacted that way when she met you. What did your boyfriend say about that? Has he done anything since then to ease your insecurity about this?

I totally get where you're coming from, by the way. I'm not really jealous by nature, but as soon as I discover my partner purposely keeps things secret or straight out lies about something... Hoo boy, I turn paranoid. >_o When my boyfriend and I hadn't been together for too long, we went to a bar and he saw a girl he know, so he went to say hello and I went to fetch drinks. She was all starry-eyed and giggly until I arrived. She shot me a death glare and ignored me for the rest of the evening, and when I asked him about it afterward, he said she was just an old friend. It wasn't until a friend of mine suggested she may have had feelings for him, and I brought it up with him, that he said he had had a one night stand with her about a month before we started dating. That's when he learned lying to me isn't the best way to go.

He claims he did tell me, but what he told me, and I quote was, "Nothing happened." If his version of nothing happened was they dated for a few months, fucked a lot, and he wrote about how much he loves her...Yeah, that sounds like "nothing." Who the fuck would define "nothing" like that?

And yes, she is quite bitchy towards me, which is what worried me in the first place!

But yeah, he just dismissed it in the past saying she is his best friend's sister and "nothing happened between them ever." Now he says he's really sorry that he didn't "effectively communicate" what he meant by that and I'm...still mad. He's been nice to me since and I'm not being actively hostile to him.
But I don't feel like cuddling or canoodling with him right now, not at all! [t2h]
If we had a couch he'd be sleeping on it. Hell, if we had a second room right now, he could sleep on the damn floor.
I don't like being lied to, I have serious trust issues, and being lied to, especially about other women makes me incredibly insecure. If you're honest, sure, I might be jealous, but I'm not a crazy-jealous person. A little bitchy if they give me reason to be, but otherwise I don't care. I'm actually pretty chill. You're flirting with my boyfriend? LOL, okay! Just don't touch and we won't have a problem.

I think you've got every right to be upset about this. I wasn't so sure at first so I didn't post, but after reading all your follow up comments I'm quite sure you're in the right here. I get where you're coming from--I myself don't like guys that talk about their exes at all. I don't know if that's me being jealous or if that's me thinking that if they still rant about them or hang with them then they're not done with them. It's probably a bit of a combo of both, but in the past I've never had any good come from a person who tried to keep their exes in their lives.

That doesn't negate the fact though that I want to hear who the exes are so I can keep an eye out for them, so I really don't blame you. He should've told you the truth. To me, the fact that he didn't tells me that HE knows she's no good for him to be around for some reason or another.

I don't think this is any reason to dump him over, but I definitely think it's something to have a good long chat about. Figure out what's going on, and tell him how you feel about the situation. There's some underlying issue here that he's not admitting to. Who knows? Maybe he was just too chickenshit to tell you about her, but whatever it is you deserve an explanation and respect.

Dude seriously? I'd be even more pissed if I were you. I apologize in advance, because I don't want to rile you up more, but seriously WTF?! Why is he backtracking now?
You obvious found some pretty damn incriminating shit and the most he could muster is "miscommunication?" What a cop out!

If all of this is some sort of miscommunication, and he genuinely has nothing he's in denial over, then he might as well transcribe word for word what happened in order to avoid any further misunderstandings.

Sooo, as an update. He and I spoke about some shit, and things are OK now. But I wish he would communicate better with me at times instead of just getting angry or defensive and lash out at me. Apparently, he feels threatened by me alllllll the time, or like I want to control him.

Sorry, I didn't think wanting him to treat the apartment, that I paid the security deposit on, was "controlling."

[roll]

I think he is looking for excuses to be upset by me, and then uses his negative energy when he's in a bad mood, to just take it out on me, or project onto me (so he can blame me instead of himself).
Because he always wants me to take control of things, but then gets sooo mad when I ask him to do stuff. But if I ask him what he wants to do, he argues with me for an hour because he doesn't want to make a decision.

[headdesk]

*sigh*

Ah, who understands the hearts of men who lie to try to quell a woman's fears? I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that's what he was doing. Still, it's patronizing, insensitive, and at the end of the day is still lying when he could have just been forthright. You're justified in being angry with him for his deceptions. It calls into question his honesty in general and I would be distressed by it myself.

[hug] for Mon~
If that was your first chat about this or a particularly heated or charged chat, perhaps take what was said with a grain of salt. It sounds like an airing of grievances so things might be understandably over-exaggerated. If it was more like that, another talk should definitely take place where you can both discuss improvements or changes. Remember that he is with you.