All right you all seem to be good advice givers so I shall ask for help from complete strangers xD

On to seriousness now...


I dated a guy named Tom from September till this May and we broke up because well my friends convinced me he wasn't the best person for me. Now before you roll your eyes and say oh dear here we go again. We had a bit of a different situation. I lived with him during that time and well things were really stressful for us. We would see each other 24/7 and hardly got a break from each other.

During times like my birthday or something he would be there for me and he helped take care of me when I was sick, he was trying to get me into the best program that would help me fix my life and well I decided to walk out on it. All of my friends hated him and said he was just trying to control me when he told me that my best friend really wasn't my best friend. I stopped talking to her and a few other people during that time and well really didn't say anything to much of anyone.

My life was smooth sailing. However back in May; I broke up with him and I miss him like crazy. Did I do the right thing when I broke up with him? Do you think he was trying to be controlling? Or do you think he was just trying to make sure my head was on straight?

My friends would kill me right now if they found out that I was talking to him the other day, well during our conversation on the internet he told me he was in cali now which I know, and I am pretty much now five states away from him, because he is visiting his dad. We are both nineteen and about to turn twenty. He told me this...

Well, that depends on what you do with yourself over the summer. I want a relationship with someone who doesn't have to depend on another person for everything in their life. I want someone who can think for themselves, be responsible, and trustworthy. hat doesn't mean you need to live by yourself and work three jobs, that just means that you need to be more of an adult. Hold some part timer job. That's enough to pay for any costs you could incur if you were responsible


Now my question to you all is do you think I should do that? Do you agree with my friends and think that I should say that I am in love with him because I can't sleep at night, before crying my eyes out; haven't dated anyone and hardly eat because I miss him so? Or should I just give up and leave it be? I really don't know what to do; I miss him like crazy but I am not sure if he feels the same. It is a very confusing thing in all truths. I just...I don't know what to do. Someone please help me with advice? Please?

I forgot one little things, most of my friends are telling me if I go back with him; they will personally hurt me and my parents don't like him because he told them that well they weren't good parents which is true. What do I do ><;

If both your parents and your friends are telling you not to date him there must be a reason why. Ask them why you should break up with him (other than the controlling factor there must be something else about him they don't like)

Since you're nineteen you can do pretty much whatever you want to, you can always find new friends plus you don't have to live with your parents anymore. If you truly love him and he reciprocates it, then go for it. Nothing should stand in the way of your love. But, it may not be true love so don't be too hasty to decide.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you :3

You're an adult (legally), you're parents can't tell you crap anymore. If they raised you badly (and you both think it), then don't listen to them.

If you guys broke up in May and you're still that in love with him, I think breaking up with him was a mistake.

To me, Tom didn't seem like he was being controlling. I think he was trying to keep your head on straight, like you said he may have been doing.

Me personally, I think your friends are the controlling ones. They told you he was a horrible guy and it sounds like it was either him or them. Friends wouldn't put you in a situation like that, and if they knew you were that in love with Tom then they wouldn't have pressed the issue further.

Thats my input, but I can't be all that accurate because I don't know the whole story.

ok honey i think that your friends should back off cause it's your buissness not theres and your x shouln't tell you to be mor responsable and stuff and blah blah blah cause your only 19 and thats a time in ones life to have fun and not really worry but worry cause of college and stuff but the way you put it it seems that you miss him and he doesn't as much miss you i think he best thing to do is come clean and say how you feel and ask him how he feels about you. i know it's hard cause it would be emaarressing and all but thats the only way to know for sure. and i think that what he's saying is partly true cause you are being controlled by everyone and you hould learn how to be alittle more independent and stuff. so what if your parents don't like him so what if your friends don't like him what ony thing that matters is what you feel about him and thats all.

If you want to try things again with him like they were (i.e. you living with him), then yes... I do feel you need to get a job and pull your weight around. You said you're almost twenty.

If your friends REALLY said they'll hurt you/hate you for going back with him... then they aren't very supportive friends now are they? Friends need to respect each other and understand that not everyone is perfect. Sometimes you need to go into something and SEE what happens. If it doesn't work out, learn from the mistake.

If you kept doing the same things over and over and over, all the while crying to them asking for help... then by all means I can understand their frustrations.

As for getting back with your boyfriend, I can't offer much advice because I don't know what really went on. You mention he tried to get you into a program, but you never said what for other than to help get your life on track. All I have painted in my head from what you said is that he was supporting you both financially while you were having a hard emotional time. If I'm WAY off track, please let me know... because I don't like to assume things. I'm just trying to understand from the little bit you said.

After re-reading your post though... you said that your FRIENDS convinced you he wasn't right for you. And that your FRIENDS said he was controlling. Um... if they were the ultimate reason you broke up with him, and they will be unhappy if you go back with him... who's controlling who now?

Please post more. I really hope things are okay over there. n_n I'd like to know more about you and Tom if you feel like sharing.

I think you should stop asking for advice and do what you think is best. As far as I can tell, your whole problem is that you've been doing exactly what other people have been telling you to do. That's true both when it comes to your ex-boyfriend and to your friends. You need to become more independent and learn how to make choices without the input of others.

Well I thank you all for your advice but now I have something that adds onto this problem.

I love Tom but now I found out something that was said behind my back that really just confuses me and breaks my heart at the same time.

Excuse the language in this..

Because as you know I'm his friend He is a con man and he has my mom and his mom eating any bullshit nhe wants to feed them I'm his friend he told me so much shit i did'nt wanna hear about you about things he's done things he's going ot do it's sickening and the truth is he said many many times to me "Mugsy I'm sending that bitch to job corps and I hope she is stupid enough to cheat on me that way I can just pull the hurt look and then leave and find me a hot bitch in Cali that is'nt a stupid clingy whore, Anyway I hope to god she is'nt fucking pregnant cause is she does'nt have her period soon She has to get an abortion or she will die and if she does'nt she'e going to try and fuck me over and make me pay for the rest of my life, Fuck I hate her.." This is a direct quote.

Now that broke my heart to hear and then when it did come time to decide what was going on and what to do. My best guy friend who I have known through childhood said this.

just don't let your fingers grow any..... cus i ordered your ring ........ if you don't wanna go through with true engagement because you're gonna be seperated at a completely diferent place i understand..... but i want you to a least keep it once i give it to you

Now...I am not sure what to do; now because it seems that one way or another I am going to hurt someone; and the whole thing my guy friend said is driving me insane because I never even knew he still thought of me like that. I have a love triangle that is going on and I hate it! I don't know what to do and I hate drama so much. So once more. Help? ><;


Spufflez- You have to be right, that there has to be something else that they didn't like and you are right; they didn't like the fact that he just tolerated people. So that could be a key point right there.

Stephanie- You are right, I am adult and my parents aren't really the best people on the face of the earth at all. I really a precipitate your input of this topic. Breaking up with him was a mistake and I am having so much trouble getting over it, because it hurts and breaks my heart everyday. But now that I have heard what I heard from his best friend and a guy who I have known since before I was with tom.

Phoebe- That is true but he is a bit of a snide person right away when you first hurt him and it takes him a while to get over when someone hurt him and I found this out from all of his family members who are worried about me hurting him and such. They told me they didn't want to see me in tears because if I ended up in tears that would just make things worse. To tell the truth he really is a snide person; very straight forward so now that I broke up with him I am scared to see how he would act if I went back and talked to him more then I do. I am tempted to go off and just say forget it now that I heard what I heard.

Chiairen- I planned on getting a job because if I don't then things in my life wont go up hill and will only go down hill. My friends did say that all of that, but then again; after hearing what I was told; that just really hurts me and I wonder if for some reason they were right when I didn't use to get that thought in my head. All and all I am not sure what to do, and I am very confused.

Amari- You are right, and I know what you are saying and I agree with you over it all.


The program that he was talking about having me go into is known as Job Corp, some people know what that is and others don't I am still going into this program no matter how bad it is because it will help me set my life up on track more then it is now. It will give me a trade skill to two, help me find a job and some other things. It will also help me with college.

Good luck in the Job Corp program. Even though I am one of the people who doesn't know what it is I hope it can help you.

And Amari was right, do whatever you feel you need to do, regardless of what I or anyone else thinks.

That quote... it is from someone you can trust, correct? Keep in mind that people in this world can be truly vindictive, even if it doesn't make a lick of sense.

Ask Tom directly if he said that. Never believe anything with 100% certainty if it doesn't come straight from the person themself. You are definitely right to be skeptical, confused, and hurt right now though. I'm not saying you're not.

The job corps might not be a bad idea, but I don't think you need to get into that to get a job. Keep it in mind though. It's good you want to get yourself situated though.

With what's going on... I do think you need to step away from everything and spend a little time with yourself. You need to take some quiet time and think. Think without your friends' input, without worrying about Tom, without worrying about the triangle.

You've said you're in love with Tom, but now someone else has proposed? Don't accept it until you know you're ready to move on and forget Tom, if this is how it's to be.

But just take the time, and find out what YOU want. This shouldn't be about worrying about who gets hurt and who doesn't. (I am a hypocrite for saying that, too, but it's true. Sometimes you need to do what's right for you and not what's less painful for others.)

If you still love Tom, even though he's hurt you so badly, don't say yes to the proposal/take the ring. You're only going to end up hurting him AND you.

Amari's right, as is Spufflez. You need to do what's right for /you/.

• Here's...a few things that needs some clarification...
  
  1. Was the only reason why your friends didn't like Tom because he said your best friend wasn't your best friend? Just curious if they're either jealous that you're perhaps spending less time with them OR if it's because they sense something wrong about him OR if they really want what's best for you.
  
  2. Did Tom ever try to tell you not to speak to your friends? Why exactly did you stop talking to them?
  This is of concern because if he is cutting you off from your friends and family, then he's honestly no good. :/ I'm just unclear as to why you stopped talking to people. Did he tell you that he's the only one you should trust or something?
  
  3. The "quote" from Tom. Is this really like him? Has he ever said anything like that to you? Has he ever said that to anyone else? Is it really out of character?
  
  Really, you need to back off of both guys right now. You need to take care of you right now, like how the previous posters have said. You need the confidence, the strength, the independence to make up your own mind. What others are saying shouldn't be the deciding factor. It shouldn't be about who is hurting who. You need to protect yourself first. Think with both your heart and your head.

Spufflez- Thank you, and you and Amari are both right. I should listen to my own feelings, the only reason really why I don't is because sometimes they lead me down the wrong road. ><;

Amari- You are right, I should stop asking for advice; I did it because sometimes when I follow my head or my heart things go crazy and I choose odd choices. I am someone who acts on what is going to make other people happy more then what would make me happy; which is a foolish thing to do as well.

Chiairen- Yes that quote is from someone I can trust. I know that sometimes people lie but it made me a bit confused. I did ask tom and he just called me a dumb bitch. -.-; Which really didn't help matters right now. He told me that Jealousy was the most manipulatable emotion; which really didn't seem to fit with what I had asked him.

The job corp thing is something that believe it or not I want to do; not because he was trying to talk me into it, but because it sounds like a really good thing; not to mention it would help out with schooling like college and such. With the stepping away. That makes me happy that I get to go on vacation soon and maybe just maybe I can clear my thoughts then. Yes I am in love with tom. I never planned on accepting the persons request because that would mean I would be just winging it and I hate doing that. Being a hypocrite sometimes is a good thing; I myself am someone who doesn't always act on the right advice. Also, thank you for your advice, it really has helped out a lot.

Tori- The reason why my friends didn't like he was because they said that he was controlling and was trying to control my life. Yes he did tell me to stop speaking to them because he said that they were trying to control me and at the time and still to this day I didn't know what to do about this because these have been friends who have helped me through just about everything from death in the family to me getting my wisdom teeth pulled. So why he told me to stop talking to them I am not sure; I am just glad that some of them are still talking to me and don't hate me because personally I would hate myself for doing what I did to them; ignoring them and shunning them off like I did.

The quote thing? Part of me wants to believe that it isn't like him but sometimes he was just really really confusing and you could never tell what was on his mind, he would say something and it would appear that he was just acting the part that he was given and you couldn't ever even tell for once what was going on with him. When he went out in public he was all happy and cheerful though when he went in the house and what not he was more silent and sometimes he looked like he was mad and bottling everything in. So to tell the truth is that really like him; that would deepened on what side of him you have meet.

So I really can't say. To me, we argued every once in a while about how he was un caring and he said he was trying his best and how a relationship was just an experiment with him; and things like that. I stopped talking to both of them and told them that I want to get my head clear of some things before I made any decision and like I said before I am thankful that my vacation is coming up soon and maybe just maybe things will be calmed down a bit for me, Thank you for your advice as well!

• By the way, I don't think you should stop asking for advice. I think you should really think it through. This is a very complicated situation and looking at it from different perspectives can help.
  
  From a lot of readings I have done on dangerous relationships, I am just really, really bothered by the fact that Tom told you to stop talking to your friends. He says they're controlling you, but HE'S controlling you too. There's a difference between him telling you to stop talking to them and telling you you should be cautious and not believe everything people tell you. By making you stop talking to others, he made it so that you have no where to go but to him. (Would've been ten times worse if he called you constantly to see where you were) He could be meaning well by not wanting you to just follow or believe what everyone else tells you. He could have just handled it wrong by telling you to drop them when he should have understood just how important your friends are. Since I don't know everything all that well, I'll just suggest you look at it from different angles and see which one fits the reality you know.
  
  Have a nice vacation (you need it!!), and I do hope it all works out. T_T <3

I hope the vacation can get you the time to reflect that you need. If you ever need any advice, you know we're all here. <3

I am a bit worried, though... since it does seem Tom said that. Please be careful, just like the others have said. Even if you do love him, sometimes that feeling can be so overwhelmingly damaging to a person.

I hope you can get the answers you need soon. Take care of yourself, okay?

Personally, I've seen Job Corp do some good things for people who were on a bad path. I don't think your doing drugs or anything like that ones I've seen it change, but if your doing it to better yourself and learn some skills, keep with it and work because life doesn't hand you what you need, you go out, grab it and take it.

As for the guy, I think there's to much drama going on and your better off bettering yourself and finding someone that doesnt' cause so much drama in your life because if it's bad now I doubt it will get any better.

Also, I don't know your friends but if they think he's controlling you then there's probably a good reason for it. So many women don't see it because they're in it, but other people do, and it's possible that he is controlling you. The first part of isolation in an abusive relationship is getting rid of the friends first.

You need to follow your heart. If you have serious doubts, trust yourself.

I think you should maybe think over everything that has to do with the situation.
Your friends,your family,what the random people on the internet is saying, ETC.

If you truly love him,and would do almost everything for him, then before meeting him( if you want to) try to make sure that you're healthy and doing better than before.
;D

Also do what Spuffels said,ask your friends why they don't like him.

It sounds to me like you were perfectly happy before your friends intervened. They don't sound like friends at all. If they can't respect who you're with, you either block out their advice about the relationship or you don't really talk about it to them. Bad friends can ruin a relationship. I'm in a situation like yours, only not to the extreme. Even though two of my best friends really don't like my boyfriend, and they've said on occasion that I should break up with him before, I know that they've never had any real experience with serious relationships like this. (Not saying all single people do. I havea best friend who I turn to advice for willingly, and she's never been with a boy.)

So I just tune the two negative friends out when they talk about my boyfriend...If you think you may be happy with him, don't listen to them. It's not worth it. You're the one potentially going out with him, not them. They need to respect that it's your choice to make.

If you love him, go for him. Getting a job is probably a good idea anyway, since you're almost 20. And I don't mean that in a bad way.

So I hope I've helped and that you can make your friends not the issue here.<33 Good luck.